Stay at Home Moms/Dads

[Auriel619]

Hey SDN Forums,

What are your thoughts/experiences with or being a stay at home parent?

I've been seriously dating a girl for about two years now and am seriously considering marriage, but she is very adamant on being a stay at home Mom. Although she has had a previous job in finance, she strongly dislikes the work. It also has to do with the fact that her father was a physician and was able to provide for her and two other sisters on one salary while her Mom stayed at home, and that her older sister also married a physician and is also staying at home with their two kids. Naturally she feels that a SAHM is her calling.

I see a lot of cons with being a SAHM:
What if I get laid off? It's a LOT of pressure being the sole breadwinner.

Retirement- I feel like to will be difficult, if not impossible, to raise a family and still save for retirement and college all on one salary. My parents were very lucky and I was able to graduate from pharmacy school with minimal debt, and I'd like to pass that along to my kids

What happens after the kids are old in enough for pre-school? It'll be difficult to find another similar job after you've been off the market for 2-3 years.

To be honest, I don't think I can support a whole family on one pharmacist salary in this day & age and it's definitely something we need to talk about before we move forward with anything more serious. She has stated that she'd be ok to work part-time while raising kids, but again difficult to find part-time jobs in her field.

I wanted to get your opinion or if you had any experiences with or being a stay at home parent.

---

Members don't see this ad.

 

[Topcat15]

My mom was a stay-at-home mom until the youngest of us was in school (I'm the oldest of four kids), after which time she got a job. I think a lot of it depends on your partner's education and the industry they work in. In some career fields, it's near impossible to get back into the field if you've not been working while in others it might not matter as much. Alternatively, I know some SAHMs who went back to school for something new once their kids were older, giving them the option for a brand new career.

I wasn't really privy to our family's finances, but I never felt like we were hurting for anything. There were certainly things I wanted and was told we couldn't afford, but that's probably true for almost all families, stay-at-home parent or not. We were all well-fed and clothed, we all got (used, inexpensive) cars when we turned 16, we went on family vacations on a regular basis, we had all our medical and dental needs taken care of, and we all got money from our parents to pay for college. Of course there were sacrifices - for example, some of us had to share bedrooms until my mom went back to work and my parents had enough money to remodel the house. My parents would always act like certain things were too expensive and tell us we need to stop asking them to buy us things, which at the time made me feel like our family was "poor" compared to other kids at school, but looking back on it now, we definitely were not poor.

I'm fairly certain my dad didn't make as much as a pharmacist does, but my parents do budget very carefully and don't buy a lot of material things. I believe the median income for a family in the U.S. is around $50,000 annually, so I am fairly certain you could support a family on a pharmacists' salary if you budgeted appropriately, were willing to make sacrifices about some material goods, and lived somewhere with a reasonable cost of living. I think the last part is really important - my parents live somewhere that's pretty inexpensive as far as housing goes, so I'm sure that helped a lot.

I think if it's something that's really important to your partner, you could find a way to make it work.

 

[PumpkinSmasher]

My pharmacist friends who have stay at home spouses are doing alright. Although they live in rural areas with cheap housing and do not save as much for retirement as they would like. They have come to conclusion that they will likely have to work until 70 and unlikely be able to cover cost of college for kids but will be able to help some.

 

[BMBiology]

Is it possible? Yes but it will come at a price.

Don't expect to live in a nice house in a good school district. No fancy vacation. Minimum retirement saving. Limit to one kid.

120 k is not as much as some people think. I think you need at least 200 k per year nowadays to live comfortably.


Sent from my iPhone using SDN mobile app

 

[trailerpark]

I would tell your girlfriend that you will stay at home with the kids and she can support the whole family on her own merits/education or whatever and see how well she does and then reevaluate in a year or two. I guarantee she will sing a different tune. I don't support Stay on the couch, I mean stay at home moms because I was raised by a single parent who worked full time and supported kids, yet your girlfriend will have you as well and still not enough time to work 32 hours per week? Honestly, her sister sounds like a gold digger and your girlfriend sounds jealous of her. Dump her for sure. They have a breakup app if you feel uncomfortable doing it in person.


Sent from my iPhone using SDN mobile app

 

[BMBiology]

It also depends on her financial situation. I would be fine with it if she doesn't have any debt and if her dad is going to leave her a nice inheritance.

Remember kids are expensive especially when both parents are working. Eating out is also expensive. You got to be realistic and break down the number.


Sent from my iPhone using SDN mobile app

 

[bp2313]

Can you tell us about her spending habit? Does she spend like a doctor's daughter? If so, would she be able to cut it down after marriage? Does she expect her father to help out? Does she have a saving of her own?

I'm not a mother so I can't say from experience, but I'm sure a parent's care of a kid is better than daycare's. If/when I have kids, I'd love to stay home to look after them until they're old enough for school.

But on the hand, I like to treat myself to nice things sometimes and I'd feel guilty buying them if we're on a tight budget. So these are all the things that you need to think about.

 

[ldiot]

I couldn't think of a bigger red flag. I could understand if she wanted to stop working for 5-10 years with kids but she literally plans on never working a day in her life?

I'd personally dump her and run. Otherwise she will milk you for all your worth and then get the house when you split up.

If you made 20k a year would she be dating you? Hell no. I don't care if she works at McDonalds part time but she should be contributing something for as long as kids aren't in the picture.

 

[confettiflyer]

Is work-at-home/consult-at-home on the table? Kids take a lot of time and I'm a fan of parents taking real time off (not this inadequate 12 week FMLA crap), but what do you do when they're in school?

How many kids are we talking here? The calculus shifts if you have 3+ kids (FT SAHM/SAHP can make sense).

If this is a true SAHM/SAHP with no home business/consulting going on, is she/are you both prepared to take a financial hit and forego accoutrements that one/both of you are used to?

My short answer is: it's doable, but be prepared to face more financial challenges that are more prevalent in true middle class families vs. the upper middle class that you + nominal spousal income could provide.

If both spouses aren't clear and comfortable with these roles, consider the marital strain unequal incomes can introduce.

 

[sakigt]

Depends on the partners spending habits. Two incomes dissappear quick when you both are spendy. Add in some student loans and daycare ($358/week for two for us...) and you feel behind the 8 ball. I have a lot of girlfriends with husbands whose incomes are in the $70k and up range and they do fine. But they dont do fancy vacations, drive their cars for 5+ years and chose reasonable homes. They are also mostly IT grads and therefore little to no student loan debt to deal with.

I think a lot of it will do with her financial expectations and your ability to manage that debt.

 

[Momus]

When they bring up SAHM, I don't walk away, I run for my life. Sugar daddy relationship is not in my vocabulary.

If you live in sh1tty town where cost of housing is <$1k/mo, that's fine, but if you live in metro areas, 130k/year is not enough to live comfortably.

Also, I hate the fact that if I marry a girl who wants to be SAHM, does that, and I still marry her. I know I will resent her forever. Resentment is not a good start for a marriage. “He who knows others is wise; he who knows himself is enlightened.” ― Lao Tzu. Know Thyself.

One more, if divorce ever happens later in life, you are the one on the hook with unequal income. You are the one taken to the cleaner. I just don't think I can accept that proposition ever. Smart people marry their equal to protect themselves. Or, if you insist doing this, prenup should be considered.

 

[SouthernRetailRPH]

I agree it's a little bit of a red flag but it is not the worst option if you have 2+ kids. When I pay $1000/month for a childcare which could be significantly more when I have more kids you have to look at the cost/benefit of a spouse working when a good chunk of her take home goes towards that. Ex: if her take home is 3k/month and your childcare costs 1500/month you only net 1500/month salary. I would definitely think they should work again once the kids are all in school, at least part time

 

[sakigt]

Depends on if you can float in and out of the workforce effectively....

People assume once the kids are in school stay at home moms have a bunch of free time. Running the household, meal planning and after school activites still need to get done. Its tough to find a good paying gig that will allow you to work between 8-230 and have evenings free for acitivies. Then the little bastards get sick and you get the call from school.....Personally Im hitting the extra hours while theyre young ( 2 under the age of 4) so I can be more available when theyre in school. 4 more years.....

 

[Old Timer]

What if I get laid off? It's a LOT of pressure being the sole breadwinner.

What if you both work and assume debts and a life style of two incomes and one of you gets laid off? What is this pressure to about being the sole bread winner? Make sure you have disability insurance and no matter what your income level, do not live above your means.

I would tell your girlfriend that you will stay at home with the kids and she can support the whole family on her own merits/education or whatever and see how well she does and then reevaluate in a year or two. I guarantee she will sing a different tune. I don't support Stay on the couch, I mean stay at home moms because I was raised by a single parent who worked full time and supported kids, yet your girlfriend will have you as well and still not enough time to work 32 hours per week? Honestly, her sister sounds like a gold digger and your girlfriend sounds jealous of her. Dump her for sure. They have a breakup app if you feel uncomfortable doing it in person.

This is the biggest pile of garbage I have heard in a long time. First, stay at home Mom's work, they just don't work outside the home. My wife and I recently spent a weekend taking care of my 15 month old granddaughter. After that weekend, I was glad to get back to my 600 script Monday. It's hard work to be alone with young child 40 hours per week. I was also raised by SAHM until I was 13 when Dad died of heart attack and my Mom went to work. I can tell you that the SAHM is way better for the children.

What happens after the kids are old in enough for pre-school? It'll be difficult to find another similar job after you've been off the market for 2-3 years.

Unless it will be impossible to get a job, then the point is moot.

To be honest, I don't think I can support a whole family on one pharmacist salary in this day & age and it's definitely something we need to talk about before we move forward with anything more serious.

Is it possible? Yes but it will come at a price.

Don't expect to live in a nice house in a good school district. No fancy vacation. Minimum retirement saving. Limit to one kid.

120 k is not as much as some people think. I think you need at least 200 k per year nowadays to live comfortably.

Are you people all taking acid. These are just about the most unbelievable statements I have heard in a long time.

I graduated in 1982 with a salary of $29,200.00 per year. According to the BLS calculator that salary in 2016 dollars is $72,522.12. I have a nice house, I live in a nice neighborhood with nice schools. I was able to raise two children. We were not rich. We did not take lavish vacations. We had a good life. It was solidly middle class. Now, I am making over $175,000.00 year. I am saving money and living a great life. It is an upper middle class lifestyle. You can definitely support you family of four on a salary of $120,000.00 per year and anyone who says you can't seriously needs some mental health assistance.

What it all boils down to is this. If you love this woman and she loves you, you can be happy whatever your income level as long as you live within your means. It will be way better for your children if one of you stays home with your children until they a ready for school. You and your bride should have a full and frank discussion about these issues so you are both walking into this marriage with a full understanding of what your financial situation will be. You can live well and be happy on $120,000.00 per year. Money does not equal happiness......

 

[Ladyg228]

This really boils down to if you either of you have debt / is anyone going to have an inheritance later / how many kids do you plan on having / how stable is your current job / do you have other family obligations / what is your current financial situation / what is the lifestyle you both expect to have in the future / are you BOTH willing to make sacrifices in order for her to be a stay at home mom / Do you already own a home? and if not, will you buy one in the future? and MOST importantly where do you live? Near the coast? in the middle america? Where you live will dictate the lifestyle you can have with an one person income.

I know for myself, in san francisco, you hardly live well with 120k for one person, let alone a family.

 

[MrBonita]

you have plenty of options.
1. Try secretly dating other women that want to work and see if it is worth it to keep your current girlfriend. Go to a cougar dating website and that should be a good start for you.
2. Knock her up but don't get married, she can apply for government assistance and that means you have 2 incomes.
3. Remember that you get a huge tax break from her being at home. Something in the lines of 10k a year off your taxes. So just limit her to that tax break if she wants to spend.

 

[BMBiology]

Remember that you get a huge tax break from her being at home. Something in the lines of 10k a year off your taxes. So just limit her to that tax break if she wants to spend.

Mr. Bonita, you are a classic! She is going to be his wife, not his puppy!





Sent from my iPhone using SDN mobile app

 

[awval999]

It's a loaded question.

Depends on metro area and spendiness of the couple.

My wife will be a SAHM. But we live in Ohio. And all our loans will be paid off. We can live like kings.

In NYC; probably not.

 

[Auriel619]

What it all boils down to is this. If you love this woman and she loves you, you can be happy whatever your income level as long as you live within your means. It will be way better for your children if one of you stays home with your children until they a ready for school. You and your bride should have a full and frank discussion about these issues so you are both walking into this marriage with a full understanding of what your financial situation will be. You can live well and be happy on $120,000.00 per year. Money does not equal happiness......

Hey Everyone, I appreciate all your input!

Currently, she is doing a part time finance/accounting position doing a similar job where she can work from home one or two days a week and she is loving it. She’s currently making ~45k per year and is very open to doing the same type of work from home with kids.

I’ve always envisioned myself marrying another pharmacist or healthcare provider, especially since two pharmacy incomes would really mean that you'd be able to live comfortably, save up for your retirement and help pay for your kids college (in a public university, I'm not made of money here =)

but I think we might be able to stretch it & provide for a solid 4 person family with a combined income of ~160k or 120k after taxes as we’ll most likely be living in a higher COL area, probably northeast or west coast. Ideally if she can keep one toe in the workforce while still raising kids and go back to work after the kids are in kindergarten, that would be great.

Frankly, I am having some doubts about SAHM this as neither of my parents were stay at home parents and worked hard as a family unit to provide for me. I have to give this some more thought and see if I’m OK with a stay at home parent arrangement.

It's great to hear input from y'all, definitely reading all your responses.

 

[sosoo]

if her entire DNA is stay at home mom, then you will be inheriting and fostering stay at home daughters. is this the type of culture you like to embrace? i rather marry a minimum wage gal from chik-fil-a or McDonalds. at least i know they're also trying their best.

 

[Topcat15]

if her entire DNA is stay at home mom, then you will be inheriting and fostering stay at home daughters. is this the type of culture you like to embrace? i rather marry a minimum wage gal from chik-fil-a or McDonalds. at least i know they're also trying their best.

This is a little nonsensical. The income your partner would bring in from McDonalds probably would barely cover the cost of daycare for your kids. That is why many people choose to stay at home. My sister pays for daycare for her child, and pays about $12,000 per year. If she had a job making $20,000, I doubt she would think the extra stress of work, commuting, and having to drop a kid off at daycare, not to mention the time spent away from her kid, would be worth a few thousand extra dollars a year.

 

[Eichhoernchen]

I think we should advocate for better (actually, let's say normal for other countries) maternity/paternity leave rather than encouraging leaving a career and being stay home mom or dad..

 

[confettiflyer]

Hey Everyone, I appreciate all your input!

Currently, she is doing a part time finance/accounting position doing a similar job where she can work from home one or two days a week and she is loving it. She’s currently making ~45k per year and is very open to doing the same type of work from home with kids.

See this isn't really a SAHM situation that everyone here is going off about. Making $45k/yr on 2 days a week is perfect...she gets to run the household, save you both on child care, and bring in enough cash to functionally live on/meet basic needs.

Best of all she can run her operations as a small business and open up a whole slew of financial and tax benefits to both of you.

This is a slam dunk, don't be afraid...she's not a mooch, she's highly efficient. Put a ring on it and pop out some babies!


Sent from my iPhone using SDN mobile app

 

[awval999]

Sorry, have to comment here on some of the comments acting like a SAHM is "mooching".

She is raising your children and taking care of the household. Add up the huge marginal tax rate on income when added to a pharmacist income. And expensive childcare. Making a median ~$50k/income it's nearly a wash when accounting for commute time, auto, clothes, eating out, etc.

Anyway, different strokes for different folks. A lot of this is cause I live in a LCOL area.

 

[WVUPharm2007]

Sorry, have to comment here on some of the comments acting like a SAHM is "mooching".

No. It's mooching. Thank god I'm not stupid enough to have kids, though.

 

[MrBonita]

I am glad to be your sifu. Hopefully your marriage will not fall apart due to financial reasons. If it does, return for some more wisdom.

 

[rph3664]

She may have that baby, and return to work before the end of her scheduled maternity leave because she realized almost immediately that the whole SAHM thing was not for her. And what if you can't have children?

 

[ChalupaBatman86]

Hey SDN Forums,

What are your thoughts/experiences with or being a stay at home parent?

I've been seriously dating a girl for about two years now and am seriously considering marriage, but she is very adamant on being a stay at home Mom. Although she has had a previous job in finance, she strongly dislikes the work. It also has to do with the fact that her father was a physician and was able to provide for her and two other sisters on one salary while her Mom stayed at home, and that her older sister also married a physician and is also staying at home with their two kids. Naturally she feels that a SAHM is her calling.

I see a lot of cons with being a SAHM:
What if I get laid off? It's a LOT of pressure being the sole breadwinner.

Retirement- I feel like to will be difficult, if not impossible, to raise a family and still save for retirement and college all on one salary. My parents were very lucky and I was able to graduate from pharmacy school with minimal debt, and I'd like to pass that along to my kids

What happens after the kids are old in enough for pre-school? It'll be difficult to find another similar job after you've been off the market for 2-3 years.

To be honest, I don't think I can support a whole family on one pharmacist salary in this day & age and it's definitely something we need to talk about before we move forward with anything more serious. She has stated that she'd be ok to work part-time while raising kids, but again difficult to find part-time jobs in her field.

I wanted to get your opinion or if you had any experiences with or being a stay at home parent.

I read this whole thing in the voice of Charlie Brown talking to himself.

 

[Old Timer]

Frankly, I am having some doubts about SAHM this as neither of my parents were stay at home parents and worked hard as a family unit to provide for me. I have to give this some more thought and see if I’m OK with a stay at home parent arrangement.

It's great to hear input from y'all, definitely reading all your responses.

If you think all parents provide is money, then save this girl the heartache and dump her now. You such a materialistic a-hole, she would be better off without you. Money can always be replaced, time lost can never be replaced. Every minute you spend earning money and not with your kid is a waste of time. Does that mean stay home and collect welfare? No, it means this. Being a SAHM is not an easy job, it is work. Do it for a while and you will see how easy it is. Earn enough money to live the way you want and spend as much time with your kids as you can. When you croak, they won't say how much money you made. They will talk about the time you spent with them.

 

[Momus]

If you think all parents provide is money, then save this girl the heartache and dump her now. You such a materialistic a-hole, she would be better off without you. Money can always be replaced, time lost can never be replaced. Every minute you spend earning money and not with your kid is a waste of time. Does that mean stay home and collect welfare? No, it means this. Being a SAHM is not an easy job, it is work. Do it for a while and you will see how easy it is. Earn enough money to live the way you want and spend as much time with your kids as you can. When you croak, they won't say how much money you made. They will talk about the time you spent with them.

I'd rather be the SAHD, and have the wife makes 200k/yr+ Please trade position. Anyone out there willing to trade duties forever? I am sure as a mom I do 8h straight work every damn day with no downtime doing chores and taking care of kids. Sure, it is difficult, but not as bad to actually work work 8 hours straight. I'd kill to be SAHD, any sugar mom out there? LOL...

Family/Raising kids is not the end all and be all. Work/Making money is not the end all and be all. "Every minute you spend earning money and not with your kid is a waste of time" LMAO statement right there...

 

[confettiflyer]

Surprised by how people think about someone they "love".

Taking care of the house is not "mooching"

Worrying about inheritance? Seriously?

This whole thread has devolved into something else. I'm pretty supportive of SAHM/SAHD status...households require work, all the SAHM's in my area are shuttling like 2-4 kids around, doing yard work/house work, and coordinating with other outside staff to keep things humming.

My two-income household friends (as in both are outside the house/traditional jobs) are usually outsourcing everything, spend like mofos (I don't think they ever cook), even my DINK friends do the same (minus outsourcing of the child care, of course).

The only time I'm ever not supportive is when there are no kids and household work is minimal...and said spouse (husband or wife) makes no effort to do anything, but that isn't a SAHM/SAHD issue....that's a, "your spouse is a lazy sloth" issue.

 

[sakigt]

Currently, she is doing a part time finance/accounting position doing a similar job where she can work from home one or two days a week and she is loving it.
.

Hey SDN Forums,

Although she has had a previous job in finance, she strongly dislikes the work.

Wat?

Does she work 5 days a week and work 2 of those days from home? Or work two days a week, both from home.

I ve got two kids under the age of 4 and I can barely get one task like laundry/dishes accomplished in a resonable amount of time, let alone actual work with them in the house unless theyre napping. Kiddos are emotionally exhausting. God forbid you have to do something like wash the floors. Yikes.

 

[ChackieJan]

I'd rather be the SAHD, and have the wife makes 200k/yr+ Please trade position. Anyone out there willing to trade duties forever?...I'd kill to be SAHD, any sugar mom out there? LOL...

Says every guy before they have kids.

Sent from my Nexus 6 using SDN mobile

 

[sakigt]

Says every guy before they have kids.

Sent from my Nexus 6 using SDN mobile

My husband stayed home for 12 weeks while I went back for rotations after 4 weeks....I was VERY happy to go back to work. And hes a great involved dad. It is just a tough job caring for a newborn

 

[ChackieJan]

My husband stayed home for 12 weeks while I went back for rotations after 4 weeks....I was VERY happy to go back to work. And hes a great involved dad. It is just a tough job caring for a newborn

Absolutely. I just don't like the notion that being a SAHM/SAHD is objectively easy. It depends on the individual but I would have a hard time being SAH and I think a lot of people underestimate how difficult it is.

Sent from my Nexus 6 using SDN mobile

 

[mentos]

OP, this doesn't sound like a good relationship. If she's adamant that she won't work before you're even married, then things will only get worse later. Like you said it's risky nowadays to have one income when both people are capable of working. What if you lose your job or get injured? Rph hours and jobs are being cut left and right.

My fiance makes more than me and she told me that I should be the stay at home parent since that would benefit the family the most. I would still work per diem or part time because I choose to. Relationships are about giving and receiving, it sounds like your gf just wants to receive.

Edit - nevermind i didnt see the part where she will work part time. The original post made it sound like she would never work again. If she works psrt time then that sounds like the best situation!

 

[Auriel619]

See this isn't really a SAHM situation that everyone here is going off about. Making $45k/yr on 2 days a week is perfect...she gets to run the household, save you both on child care, and bring in enough cash to functionally live on/meet basic needs.

Best of all she can run her operations as a small business and open up a whole slew of financial and tax benefits to both of you.

This is a slam dunk, don't be afraid...she's not a mooch, she's highly efficient. Put a ring on it and pop out some babies!


Sent from my iPhone using SDN mobile app

Cool, thanks for the advice Confetti. We talked about it and I think she's definitely good with the idea.

If you think all parents provide is money, then save this girl the heartache and dump her now. You such a materialistic a-hole, she would be better off without you. Money can always be replaced, time lost can never be replaced. Every minute you spend earning money and not with your kid is a waste of time. Does that mean stay home and collect welfare? No, it means this. Being a SAHM is not an easy job, it is work. Do it for a while and you will see how easy it is. Earn enough money to live the way you want and spend as much time with your kids as you can. When you croak, they won't say how much money you made. They will talk about the time you spent with them.

Oldtimer, calm down. I'm asking for people's thoughts & discussions, nowhere did I say anything about parents only providing money, of course parents provide love & time for their kids too. Relax buddy.

I have a feeling this thread is about to devolve into name calling. Gonna reach out to a Mod to lock the thread if possible.

 

[mentos]

By the way, what do people in finance do? I'm not trolling, I seriously have no idea and want to know. Every time someone tells me they work in finance, I ask them what they do and they give some vague answer like "I work in finance", "I'm not an accountant", "Don't ask me for help with your taxes or which stocks to pick", or "I manage projects".

If someone asks what we do, we say that we fill prescriptions, look for drug interactions, collaborate with physicians, counsel patients, etc.

 

[xiphoid2010]

Not talking about OP's situation, but I'm generally unsupportive of stay at home spouse. The only compelling reason I see where that's justified is when the spouse's income is so low that it's more cost-effective to stay home than pay for daycare.

I know love is blind and personally been down that path, while those days were hot and fully of passion, but the knight in Indiana Jones would say I "chose poorly". So while I understand I wouldn't make those same choices again. I met my wife just before the classes even started the first year. We have 3 kids now and our marriage is working great. She's working, taking MBA classes and was pregnant all at the same time. She is only taking a 6 week maternity leave instead of staying home for 12. Others might criticize her for living by the female gender role, but since we all know men and women are equals, than these qualities in a woman is not less praise-worthy than in a man. To encourage a woman to be a stay at home spouse makes no more sense than would encourage a man to be at home.

The argument that staying at home mom raise better kids also have lots of holes. Moms don't necessarily make the best care providers, just like a loving wife doesn't mean she can provide care like a good nurse can, cook like a professional chef, or teach like an experienced teacher could. So being able to hire the best can be equally, or maybe better, than doing it yourself. Also children learn things socially. Keeping kids at home usually limits the opportunities for them to learn the group/social aspect of learning. Meanwhile, leaving the work-force means the spouse's skills will typically retrograde, and may even become un-hirable in a competitive market.

Family with kids needs additional security, financial security. My wife and I each make enough to support the family on our own income. That adds to security. I could hit a semitruck tomorrow going to work, but I know with certainty that my kids would be alright because my wife got it handled. Also, retirement income. We all know the math: the money you put in your 401k in the first 10 years of your career beats the money you put in for the next 30 years. Since we all will grow old, and many of us want to retire, maybe even early enough to help out with grand kids, then not forgetting those most valuable investment years is a big part of it.

So in my opinion, marrying another pharmacist or another high income professional, stay in the workforce, use that extra 6 figure income to hire the best care and education possible, is that path that makes the best sense. Of course, I understand that love is blind, so if you choose to go with your heart, and the spouse makes less than child care cost, then that's a rational reason for staying at home.

 

[xiphoid2010]

Oh, and one more concern with staying at home spouse that nobody likes to talk about: divorce.

(1) Risk for divorce decrease as education level increases, so marrying another pharmacist lowers your risk in the first place.
(2) Money is probably the number one reason sited for divorce. So dual high income family probably has lower risk.

And in the event of divorce, a stay at home spouse would not only get child-support (which is fair), but also alimony on top. Higher the income discrepancy, the greater the alimony. Ouch.

 

[ChackieJan]

Oldtimer, calm down...I have a feeling this thread is about to devolve into name calling.

Lol

Sent from my Nexus 6 using SDN mobile

 

[ChackieJan]

I agree with you, btw. I just thought that was funny.

Sent from my Nexus 6 using SDN mobile

 

[Old Timer]

Cool, thanks for the advice Confetti. We talked about it and I think she's definitely good with the idea.




Oldtimer, calm down. I'm asking for people's thoughts & discussions, nowhere did I say anything about parents only providing money, of course parents provide love & time for their kids too. Relax buddy.

I have a feeling this thread is about to devolve into name calling. Gonna reach out to a Mod to lock the thread if possible.

Yes you did. Your entire concern in the original post was about having enough money. The idea that it's a struggle to raise a family on 120K per year is laughable. Not one mention in your original post had anything to do with anything except money. I could care less what you do. If you think day care is the same as mom care, you are deceiving yourself. You undervalue what a difficult JOB itis to be a primary care giver of an infant or toddler. Time once lost can never be reclaimed.
It is factually and morally incorrect to say a SAHM OR SAHD does not work. The correct statement is they do not work outside the home.

 

[BMBiology]

Yes you did. Your entire concern in the original post was about having enough money. The idea that it's a struggle to raise a family on 120K per year is laughable. Not one mention in your original post had anything to do with anything except money. I could care less what you do. If you think day care is the same as mom care, you are deceiving yourself. You undervalue what a difficult JOB itis to be a primary care giver of an infant or toddler. Time once lost can never be reclaimed.
It is factually and morally incorrect to say a SAHM OR SAHD does not work. The correct statement is they do not work outside the home.

You graduated way before the Internet was invented. Your basic needs were different back then. You have the opportunity to work for 30 years as a pharmacist. Today's graduates are not going to that opportunity.

Don't assume every stay at home spouse is working his/her butt off. Many don't. The different? You are not going to get fire for not doing the laundry.

If you have two income earners and something happened to you then you still have your spouse's income. If your spouse is a stay at home mom or dad then your spouse better get back in the workforce fast or your family is going to go thru financial hell. This is exactly what happened in 2009 when the economy collapsed. I personally know several pharmacists who tried to work again but since they have not worked in a pharmacy for the last 10 years and since employers have many candidates, no one would hire them


Sent from my iPhone using SDN mobile app

 

[confettiflyer]

I agree and think $120k a year to raise a family (let's assume 2 parents & 1 child) isn't exactly a struggle, per se. Your day to day operations would be easy to manage.

But the economic uncertainty is a big factor in what @BMBiology and others are arguing here, even if we assume someone is debt free (which is extremely generous and not the norm).

Most people who are in their 20's and 30's today (aka those pesky entitled millennials) are under the operating assumption that Social Security will not even exist in 30-40 years, with a best case scenario of partial benefits. We don't even know what pensions look like anymore, those are like 8-track tapes to us. All we know is they don't exist for private sector anymore and the public sector can just discharge/modify terms in bankruptcy court under chapter 9.

We're also under the operating assumption that a 30 year career may not be feasible to count on anymore. This isn't even a generational thing, look at current baby boomers who got laid off in their 50's from high functioning jobs try to break back into an ageist job market.

From what we observe in the real world, prudence requires taking into account these risks, and so we have to save more/spend less, which in turn curtails cash flow.

Most of us also went to school for 8 years (undergrad + pharmacy school), which wasn't the norm some decades ago. I'm not even going to count PGY-1 or other post graduate training, which wasn't exactly the norm decades ago either.

tl;dr
So when you put it all together.... we're spending more for education, social/financial security, while earning less -- our working lives are compressed on both ends by increased education/training requirements in the front and an age biased economy on the back end. Our salaries don't tell the whole story.

 

[Shazzy1228]

OP, any updates on your decision? I really wouldn't advise SAHM or SAHD in this economy. There is simply too much uncertainty, especially pharmacy. I'm surprised few people have mentioned the emotional burden on the breadwinner. I grew up in a SAHM household and felt it wasn't good. My dad didn't really enjoy his work, but stuck with it to support us. Unfortunately, I recall my dad being stressed most of the time. It was as if he felt trapped in his job. If my mom worked even part-time, the burden would be lifted. Your partner may feel obligated to stay with a overwhelming job in order to support your family. That's a lot to carry and it can bring out the worst in people.
I wouldn't go forward with this.

 

[M0df]

Although she has had a previous job in finance, she strongly dislikes the work.

That would be a concern for me. Like or dislike shouldn't be part of this decision.

If she can maintain her current part time schedule, that would be a nice middle ground for me. Once she is out of the workforce completely, she will be hard pressed to get a serious job in her old field. Even if she tries to get back in at that point, it might not be worth it.

 

[Carboxide]

I wouldn't want to support a SAHP myself. OldTimer and confettiflyer, you are talking about all the work they do, but who do you think does that work in families without a SAHP? No one? No, it is still done. And when the working parent gets home, do you think they just rest and relax? No, it is now their turn to take care of the kid because Mom has "had them all day and I need a break." So not only are you working full time but you will still be doing just as much childcare when you get home.

If you decide to go ahead with it, get an ironclad prenup that specifically addresses alimony. If you don't and get divorced, you will be paying out the a** for the rest of your life because she 'gave up her career to take care of your children.' Include in it that you would prefer she work but she wants to be a SAHM.

 

[namormckenzie]

I'm currently a SAHM, but I'm going back to school in August. I hate it. I know a lot of women love staying at home and keeping the house and spending all day with their littles, but it's not for everyone. I'm counting the days until I start school again.
My mom was a SAHM until my father passed away two years ago. My dad was a family med doc, and we had a great lifestyle until he died. After he died, our house was foreclosed on and my mom is working at a call center because it's the only job she could find after almost 30 years of being a house spouse.
Now this is definitely my dad's fault. He didn't have life insurance (surprise!) and he hid a lot of money problems from my mom. He also bailed out my alcoholic brother from a tough spot and lent him about 80K. My mom has said that she doesn't regret staying home with us and she truly loved being home all the time.
If you are honest with your partner and save appropriately, it shouldn't be an issue.
Being a SAHM is really isolating and lonely. Before I had my child, I was working in the hospitality industry and making great money. Going from two incomes to one is a huge adjustment. If your partner truly wants to stay at home, you will have the means to do it as a pharmacist. Your lifestyle won't be the same as your coworkers, but that's a sacrifice you both need to be comfortable with.

Sent from my HTC6535LVW using Tapatalk

 

[rph3664]

I wouldn't want to support a SAHP myself. OldTimer and confettiflyer, you are talking about all the work they do, but who do you think does that work in families without a SAHP? No one? No, it is still done. And when the working parent gets home, do you think they just rest and relax? No, it is now their turn to take care of the kid because Mom has "had them all day and I need a break." So not only are you working full time but you will still be doing just as much childcare when you get home.

If you decide to go ahead with it, get an ironclad prenup that specifically addresses alimony. If you don't and get divorced, you will be paying out the a** for the rest of your life because she 'gave up her career to take care of your children.' Include in it that you would prefer she work but she wants to be a SAHM.

And who's going to be doing childcare if mom's working full time? Pawning it all off on her will go over about as well as having a SAHP wife and viewing her as a live-in babysitter, which happens more than some people think.