The S.O. Conundrum

[epsilonprodigy]

Anyone have to significantly compromise on residency program choice due to their significant other's geographic restrictions? (relative or set in stone.)How did it work out, and are you happy with your choice? For those who put their foot down and insisted on moving to be at a better program despite their partner's misgivings...was it worth it?

I ask because my spouse is *relatively* restricted (works for himself in a widely marketable field, but has built up his clientele and network of contractors.) We also own a home, are near his family, and have a small child in school. All great reasons to stay, in addition to the fact that I love my home program (mid-tier.) I applied somewhat broadly, just to be sure, and sometimes when those big name interview invites roll in, I get stars in my eyes....sigh. My husband wants me to exclusively prioritize my rank list based on location, but this would mean a huge compromise on program quality (or so it seems.) This obviously has to be decided on a individual basis, but would love to hear from others in the same situation.

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[organdonor]

My wife was integral to making my rank order list. There is no way that I could have been happy working at a place if she was miserable without a support network.

Her happiness was one of many factors going in to my decision making process. Some have SO's that would be fine adjusting to a new city and making new friends. I knew mine would have a hard time adjusting to that.

I think you would have to get input from your SO but to be honest there is just no way they could fathom the ramifications that a poor training program or worse a year unmatched would have on your relationship. For instance my wife initially said "only apply to these three programs I would rather you not match anywhere than to be somewhere else" thank god I was able to talk some sense in to her because I think the strain of a year unmatched would far outweigh a city 3 hours away.

The final choice is going to be yours and I hate to say it but there is no way they would know your rank list unless you told him or her.

Luckily I had many choices in cities where we already had friends or family nearby.

I do recall one program in particular that was a great residency with amazing faculty and I'll bet I would have matched there had I not ranked them lower due to my wife's input.

Don't worry after X years you can live wherever you want!

 

[clausewitz2]

My partner had to put up with moving to a place they were distinctly unenthusiastic about for my med school. The deal was that come residency time, no programs would be ranked in places they did not want to live and they would have final say over rank order. This seemed like the only fair compromise, really.

Note I am not going into a tiny surgical subspecialty or trying to win a Nobel Prize.

 

[gutonc]

I got to choose the programs on the list and pick my #1. She got to order the next 3 as she wanted. I matched #1.

 

[inmyslumber]

I got to choose the programs on the list and pick my #1. She got to order the next 3 as she wanted. I matched #1.

In contrast, I will share this although it has been a while since I matched. I asked my SO to choose my #1 where my SO would be happiest and then I took over the list from there. Figured I would feel less guilty that way. Matched at #2.

 

[gutonc]

In contrast, I will share this although it has been a while since I matched. I asked my SO to choose my #1 where my SO would be happiest and then I took over the list from there. Figured I would feel less guilty that way. Matched at #2.

I don't think it really matters what method a couple uses to get there, as long as they both agree on it. It's when one person (applicant or SO) completely takes over without regard to the other's needs.

Glad it worked out for you.

 

[inmyslumber]

I don't think it really matters what method a couple uses to get there, as long as they both agree on it. It's when one person (applicant or SO) completely takes over without regard to the other's needs.

Glad it worked out for you.

Wise words. Applicable to the Match and life in general.

As an addendum, I did not have a clear #1 in mind. I would have been happy at any of my top 5.

 

[Lefty Doodle]

Can anyone comment on restrictions placed by a non spouse? My boyfriend, who lives where I go to medical school, is a full time dad to several teenagers. Most of my interviews are at places essentially equivalent to my home institution but I did have one in the top five which is a three hour drive from my medical school. And I loved it. So I am feeling torn about choosing to stay for him versus moving and having our relationship fall apart (the burden would be on me to visit). We get along really well and I think we would get married if I stayed. But there are some religious differences that we haven't completely gotten past, so I am not completely sure I'd be giving up this potentially great opportunity for a sure thing. And as you can imagine, im not sure I even have a shot at this top five place if all of the other interviews were at lesser institutions (several in the top 20 though).

 

[Frederica]

Can anyone comment on restrictions placed by a non spouse? My boyfriend, who lives where I go to medical school, is a full time dad to several teenagers. Most of my interviews are at places essentially equivalent to my home institution but I did have one in the top five which is a three hour drive from my medical school. And I loved it. So I am feeling torn about choosing to stay for him versus moving and having our relationship fall apart (the burden would be on me to visit). We get along really well and I think we would get married if I stayed. But there are some religious differences that we haven't completely gotten past, so I am not completely sure I'd be giving up this potentially great opportunity for a sure thing. And as you can imagine, im not sure I even have a shot at this top five place if all of the other interviews were at lesser institutions (several in the top 20 though).

This is probably easy for me to say as I'm married. But, you need to do what is best for you. You aren't even engaged and your post reads like you are not convinced about the relationship leading to marriage.

I have made decisions in the past thinking they were the right ones because I "might" be married to the man I was dating at the time and things didn't pan out. Which I'm glad about as the man I am married to is 100 times better than anyone I dated before him.

Have you talked to your boyfriend about your wanting to match at the location 3 hours away?

 

[Lefty Doodle]

We have talked about what if I don't match at my home institution (or if I decide to go far away) and he's willing to try. But it wouldn't work his kids all do sports, he coaches them. Their mom died so he is the only parent. He can't even manage his own life let alone leave his kids for a weekend to come visit me. And I'm an non traditional student, so over 30, so I've had a lot of boyfriends and he's definitely the greatest one. I think doubt about marriage more comes from having already had a lot of boyfriends I never married. Plus the religious things. And he's republican with some of the intolerance you can imagine comes with it, which can get annoying for me.

 

[mcl]

My question is how much would you grow to resent your bf if you end up at a residency that you consider "lesser" if you don't rank the program you love first? It's one thing to not get your top-ranked program and commit to making the best of wherever you end up--it's another to make a sacrifice and settle for a program without really knowing if you are sacrificing/settling. If you end up not being happy in your residency, the what-ifs and could-have-beens can lead to frustration and anger at the heart of the relationship. Also, does he understand the time constraints and pressures you'll be under as an intern/resident? If you make the effort to stay proximate to him, will he be the support person you'll need?

 

[Frederica]

My question is how much would you grow to resent your bf if you end up at a residency that you consider "lesser" if you don't rank the program you love first? It's one thing to not get your top-ranked program and commit to making the best of wherever you end up--it's another to make a sacrifice and settle for a program without really knowing if you are sacrificing/settling. If you end up not being happy in your residency, the what-ifs and could-have-beens can lead to frustration and anger at the heart of the relationship. Also, does he understand the time constraints and pressures you'll be under as an intern/resident? If you make the effort to stay proximate to him, will he be the support person you'll need?

Could not have said it better!

 

[Lefty Doodle]

Thanks for your input and that is valid. I've mostly come to peace with the fact that my home program will help me reach my end goals. I don't want to be a famous rockstar (but I do want to do a fellowship!!) and the fact that I only have a couple of top places to interview at is reflective of my personality/med school record. People on the interview trail have stopped me when they saw what med school I come from to tell me how much they loved their interview there. It is not a bad program. The other one is just...shinier. Tons more resources.

The other thing is, the reason I am 30+ and not married is I have done this before...like three times. Left a guy and moved away because of what *I* wanted to do. So I'm thinking if I ever want to get married I have to stop putting myself ahead of everything. Even if it doesn't come with a ring right away (his wife just died 2 years ago...he is not ready for that). I may feel differently if he starts talking about Ben Carson more as February approaches. .

 

[J ROD]

IF your SO is your wife etc and not just a boyfriend, then I would say they deserve input since you are changing their life as well. I know my #1 is not her #1 but it offers me more opportunities than others down the road. She understands that and agrees.

Biggest area we disagreed on was 4 and 5. One is where I liked more than where we are now but had less opportunities for her and I would have to train at multiple sites not within driving distance. I put my list down since I think I would not be picked by one but will be at the other. So, since I had less chance to me at home, she was fine with me listing the other one first since I would not probably be ranked at the other one.

 

[epsilonprodigy]

Update: after careful consideration, I'm ranking based mostly on geography. My family has/will put up with quite enough already. So, I have my local list filling the top spots, and am ranking the far-flung programs mostly according to my own preference. I offered to rank another program 1 hour away within the "local" group with the understanding that we'd have to move a bit closer, allowing him to keep his job. Our current living situation is pretty stellar, so he refused and said I'd just have to commute if I match there. Thus, said program is functionally "out of the area," and lower on the list. No way am I putting in that kind of commuting time as a resident.

With that said, does anyone else feel that their non-medical spouse JUST. DOESN'T. GET IT?! We just had a small disagreement about my last interview, which is far-flung. I tried ti to explain that it's a backup, that by suicide matching, you ultimately relinquish even more control over where you land, and that doing so thwarts the ability to even geographically restrict to a certain region of the country. I also try to explain that unmatched applicants are "damaged goods" at risk for having to undertake this expensive exercise again in a year. He continues to insist that this doesn't make sense. Maybe it doesn't, but we all know it's the truth. We'll see where this all takes us...

 

[22031 Alum]

You could always see if he'd be willing to create an account and post his thoughts/questions, so he can hear what people other than you have to say. Just a thought, as he may be more inclined to believe someone who has no stake in your situation.

 

[akwho]

Epsilon - I 100% feel for you. I'm going through the same thing this year with my significant other who has a strongly preferred city. Its like talking to a patient, you just have to explain the matching concept over and over again in different ways until it clicks. Be sensitive to their needs and concerns. I'm probably overranking programs in a certain major city for her benefit, but at the same time I'm not going to underrank my dream programs. Its a negotiating process and you have to do it in a way where both people will be on board with the result whatever it is. I think the transition to residency will be a lot smoother if you show you value their input and it affected your decision making process. However, I think giving up on dream programs (especially in surgical specialties where 1 on 1 mentorship and acquisition of technical skills is so important) could be a mistake that you really regret.

 

[CopaceticOne]

OP - Look at Tables 18 & 19 as it pertains to your SO's statement about suicide match and SOAP. Real #s about how few spots there are.
http://www.nrmp.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/Main-Match-Results-and-Data-2015_final.pdf

 

[epsilonprodigy]

Akwho, you said it. To be honest, the fact that my SO can even consider saying "well if you don't match around here, then just don't be a doctor," after all this work, time, money, and agreeing to be on board initially makes me ask some fairly big questions. His failure to understand the financial and emotional ramifications of such a thing just blows my mind. He's also intermittently threatening not to move, regardless of where I match. For now, all I can do is rank geographically and cross that bridge when/if we come to it. I have a child to think about, so I'm not about to rashly declare my independence and march off into the sunset, but I also won't consider ending my career before it's begun for his convenience.

 

[deleted480308]

My wife is killing it at her current job and there are somewhat limited options within driving distance. I will pick a specialty as though geography had nothing to do with it, apply/interview broadly while including the closest options, she will get to "rank" them. That said, she's in it for the long haul and we're ok with moving if we have to, just don't want to

most important thing is that you both agree and no one is lying about agreeing

 

[J ROD]

I think you need to show him who wears the pants and has the biggest sack. Or reconsider your spouse options and not residency options. lol

 

[epsilonprodigy]

Scary statements, indeed. I hope I'm not being unreasonable, but I know that if I catered to all his whims on this, the regret would eat me, and our relationship, alive.

 

[deleted480308]

Scary statements, indeed. I hope I'm not being unreasonable, but I know that if I catered to all his whims on this, the regret would eat me, and our relationship, alive.

I'm going to offer that if you are ready to throw a marriage under the bus over perceived residency quality (not something bigger like a drastic specialty change) that maybe you need to look inward

 

[epsilonprodigy]

I'm going to offer that if you are ready to throw a marriage under the bus over perceived residency quality (not something bigger like a drastic specialty change) that maybe you need to look inward

You misunderstood. At first, I was questioning ranking based on location, but ultimately decided that I'm okay with this. It's being given the ultimatum of "stay local or forget it" that I have a problem with, because TRYING to stay local is the best I can do.

 

[mvenus929]

I'm going to offer that if you are ready to throw a marriage under the bus over perceived residency quality (not something bigger like a drastic specialty change) that maybe you need to look inward

And I'd argue that if the SO doesn't want what is best for everyone involved (himself, OP, and kids) given the circumstances, then there should be concerns about the marriage itself. Saying 'if you don't match where we currently live, you just shouldn't be a doctor' completely undermines the last 8+ years of work the OP has put in to becoming a doctor.

 

[curiousneuro]

And I'd argue that if the SO doesn't want what is best for everyone involved (himself, OP, and kids) given the circumstances, then there should be concerns about the marriage itself. Saying 'if you don't match where we currently live, you just shouldn't be a doctor' completely undermines the last 8+ years of work the OP has put in to becoming a doctor.

Absolutely. My wife, who has put up with me for the last X years, would never, ever say those lines to me. We're definitely having some disagreements about my number 1 (she really is not so happy with moving to that area), but marriage is a compromise - my rank list is, at the end of the day, going to have to take both her and I into account, and if she truly ends up not wanting to move there at all, I wouldn't even rank it. Period. Although that won't stop me from trying to convince her

But at the end of the day, she's been incredibly supportive of me, and I can't imagine her telling me "if you don't match where we currently live, you just shouldn't be a doctor", even though residency is going to completely uproot our lives we've made in this area. The fact that your spouse would say something like that is very disturbing. OP, I think you both should sit down and clarify exactly what each other's life-goals are and make sure you're both on board. Residency's going to be horrible to your family if you don't do this now.

 

[epsilonprodigy]

This is great, in theory. Obviously, in practice, getting an angry person who cannot achieve a degree of control that feels acceptable to him to sit down and have a discussion is easier said than done.I have always been more of the easygoing one, saying "eh, we'll make do," when things don't go as planned. This works well in complement to his intense type A personality, but sadly with the match, no matter how easygoing and flexible you are, there is an amount of built-in rigidity. I'm not super stressed (strangely), because the whole discussion is hopefully borrowing trouble, and if it's not...well, I've already said where I stand when it comes to moving if necessary. There's also the strong possibility that refusing to move is nothing but an empty threat. Still, it's certainly nice to be able to plan.

Ironically, this whole thing reminds me of how he fits the he stereotype of my chosen specialty orders of magnitude better than I do (extremely intelligent, but brooding and intense, with a hair-trigger temper.) And he's not even in medicine, hence the problem...how's that for irony?

 

[22031 Alum]

I'm going to offer that if you are ready to throw a marriage under the bus over perceived residency quality (not something bigger like a drastic specialty change) that maybe you need to look inward

Where are you getting that from? OP did mention prestige earlier but seems to have moved on from that particular detail. More recently the idea of only ranking the SO's one desired program has been floated (and I will never stop saying that's a bad idea). Do you disagree that a partner making a "suicide rank or don't be a doctor at all" ultimatum is concerning? It sounds like they discussed things before and the partner was more flexible, but is becoming more demanding as the reality of the Match is dawning on him.

 

[deleted480308]

Where are you getting that from? OP did mention prestige earlier but seems to have moved on from that particular detail. More recently the idea of only ranking the SO's one desired program has been floated (and I will never stop saying that's a bad idea). Do you disagree that a partner making a "suicide rank or don't be a doctor at all" ultimatum is concerning? It sounds like they discussed things before and the partner was more flexible, but is becoming more demanding as the reality of the Match is dawning on him.

OP changed the story quite a bit since the beginning of the thread.....deep breaths

I'm not justifying the partner giving a, "if you move, you're single" ultimatum. I was referencing the original concept of all the hand wringing over maybe ending up somewhere less prestigious. OP is in a crappy situation now and there may not be a win-win. But I will stick to the idea that if the OP is willing to dump a marriage over medicine (even given that the ultimatum existing is not their fault) that they might want to evaluate where their priorities lie. Is this really a "death do us part thing" or is it a "until they get in the way of my career". It's not cool, but that may be their situation.

 

[22031 Alum]

OP changed the story quite a bit since the beginning of the thread.....deep breaths

I'm not justifying the partner giving a, "if you move, you're single" ultimatum. I was referencing the original concept of all the hand wringing over maybe ending up somewhere less prestigious. OP is in a crappy situation now and there may not be a win-win. But I will stick to the idea that if the OP is willing to dump a marriage over medicine (even given that the ultimatum existing is not their fault) that they might want to evaluate where their priorities lie. Is this really a "death do us part thing" or is it a "until they get in the way of my career". It's not cool, but that may be their situation.

Ah, I see your point. OP has posted several other threads since starting this one, describing the evolution of her application process. We've moved on from "hand wringing" over ending up at a less prestigious place, to multiple requests for ways to guarantee a match at said less prestigious place. So the specifics of the first post of this thread from back in October, haven't been on my mind when responding to her.

 

[Goro]

Have you thought about marriage counseling?

I do not see anything good coming out of this. Your SO is willing to wreck your medical career over his needs, and if you give into him, how much resentment will there be for you to your own professional goals?

Marriage is a two-way street, not a suicide pact.

This is great, in theory. Obviously, in practice, getting an angry person who cannot achieve a degree of control that feels acceptable to him to sit down and have a discussion is easier said than done.I have always been more of the easygoing one, saying "eh, we'll make do," when things don't go as planned. This works well in complement to his intense type A personality, but sadly with the match, no matter how easygoing and flexible you are, there is an amount of built-in rigidity. I'm not super stressed (strangely), because the whole discussion is hopefully borrowing trouble, and if it's not...well, I've already said where I stand when it comes to moving if necessary. There's also the strong possibility that refusing to move is nothing but an empty threat. Still, it's certainly nice to be able to plan.

Ironically, this whole thing reminds me of how he fits the he stereotype of my chosen specialty orders of magnitude better than I do (extremely intelligent, but brooding and intense, with a hair-trigger temper.) And he's not even in medicine, hence the problem...how's that for irony?

 

[gutonc]

Have you thought about marriage counseling?

I do not see anything good coming out of this. Your SO is willing to wreck your medical career over his needs, and if you give into him, how much resentment will there be for you to your own professional goals?

Marriage is a two-way street, not a suicide pact.

As someone recently in marriage counseling (completely unrelated to the Match process) that has ended in a (mutual) decision for divorce, I will say that if the OP is telling the whole truth, and it's gotten to the point that it is in this story, the time for counseling having a significant benefit has probably passed.

That said, I'd still recommend it.

 

[epsilonprodigy]

To be clear, it's not that I don't love my husband. I do think that we all deserve relationships where we feel valued and respected, however- and if he tried to force me to just forget the whole thing after literally working toward this for my entire life, I would feel neither, and could not continue in the relationship as such. There's also the issue of showing children that it's okay for one partner to steamroll the other. I'm not trying to plow down anyone who stands in my way of being the MGH chair- that kind of thing is "putting career before marriage." However, I do want to be in a marriage where my partner can demonstrate acknowledgement of my goals and rights as an individual. After all, it's not like he's in the military- he COULD move. Everyone has their "thresholds" in a marriage, and it's tough to be honest with oneself about what those are until you're faced with them. Some obviously disagree with my "threshold," and that's fine. For him, I compromised on where I went to med school, where we currently live (my commute sucks), will compromise on residency location if possible. I'm not complaining, simply illustrating that none of these were deal-breakers. He feels he's compromising by not putting his foot down about my non-lifestyle specialty- for him, this is not a deal-breaker. I think it's totally reasonable to assess these things in an ongoing basis and ask if the relationship is serving all parties, even after saying "I do."

 

[curiousneuro]

This is great, in theory. Obviously, in practice, getting an angry person who cannot achieve a degree of control that feels acceptable to him to sit down and have a discussion is easier said than done.I have always been more of the easygoing one, saying "eh, we'll make do," when things don't go as planned. This works well in complement to his intense type A personality, but sadly with the match, no matter how easygoing and flexible you are, there is an amount of built-in rigidity. I'm not super stressed (strangely), because the whole discussion is hopefully borrowing trouble, and if it's not...well, I've already said where I stand when it comes to moving if necessary. There's also the strong possibility that refusing to move is nothing but an empty threat. Still, it's certainly nice to be able to plan.

Ironically, this whole thing reminds me of how he fits the he stereotype of my chosen specialty orders of magnitude better than I do (extremely intelligent, but brooding and intense, with a hair-trigger temper.) And he's not even in medicine, hence the problem...how's that for irony?

I'm of the opinion that it's not just "nice" to be able to plan, it's a necessity in this process that we're going through. I don't know whether or not your spouse was aware of what exactly the match is when you first started medical school, but I think it's vitally important to make sure that your spouse is on the same page as you, both professionally and personally. I have gone through nearly every permutation of my rank list in order to make sure my spouse understands and is willing to go where I need to go. Otherwise, I would imagine Match day would have the potential of being one horrible experience...

+1 with the marriage counseling.

 

[Doctor4Life1769]

I agree with gutonc

 

[epsilonprodigy]

I know it might be hard to believe from what I've described, but we generally have a very good relationship. I do see everyone's collective point about the writing on the wall, but neither of us is going to throw in the towel unless we actually hit the problem that we can't seem to resolve. He is used to having to pick up the slack as "Mr. Mom" at this point ( med school+ previous career with a tough schedule, plus like I said...the commute.) So, I don't see that evolving into more of an issue. (I actually wouldn't be surprised if he comes around- he can say some pretty extreme things when angry.) Unfortunately, he refuses to attend counseling.

 

[epsilonprodigy]

Ah, the plot thickens, and the saga continues… thanks to all who have tolerated my venting without telling me to go find my big-kid pants ;-)

So, some really positive things have happened recently. I've had some very good signs from my home program, and my husband has made references to "if we have to move…" although while still refusing to actually discuss it. Oh well. I'll take it over flat-out refusal.

There's a bit of a twist, however: a huge part of our motivation to stay put is the fact that we got such an excellent deal on our house, as well as the school system for my son. Both of these obviously mean staying in our current house, so moving locally isn't a feasible option. Unfortunately, we live in an area that is literally devastated by traffic problems, with very poor public transportation. Like I said, my commute to my home institution kinda sucks but is do-able. As a resident, I'd have multiple rotations at offsite institutions that are in the same city. I hadn't really spent much time at any of these places, and knowing the distance, thought, "oh, they're all about 15 min away from campus." Uh, yeah… maybe at 3 am. In traffic, try 1 hour… this is a non-issue in the morning, but would mean up to a 2-hour drive home. Some years this would only be for a month, but other years, it would be 4-6 months out of the year total. I don't think this is anywhere close to safe or responsible when I think of the possibility of fatigue-related car accidents, patient care errors, study time… the list goes on. My husband absolutely 100% refuses to move closer, insisting that the commute is do-able and that I just have to suck it up. I mentioned that I will probably have to just get a crash pad or figure out some way to sleep in town 2-3 nights per week in order to squeeze in studying and not be dangerously sleep-deprived. He got pissed and all but forbade this, saying it will be way too expensive. (I beg to differ- I'm happy crashing on a couch or having roommates, given how little I'd be there. Still, it's just enough time that I wouldn't want to horn in on my co-residents that frequently, plus I'd prefer to have ONE place instead of bouncing around like a gypsy.)

So, even the best case scenario isn't simple. I can say that this is one time I'm putting my foot down: I recently had to go to one of these offsite institutions for a couple of weeks and saw just how non-commutable it really is. I have compromised about my program choice, but will not do so regarding my mental health/safety/patient safety.

 

[22031 Alum]

As a surgery resident, I imagine traffic will be a non-issue more than you think, even in the evenings. Remember, there's no rule that you have to leave the hospital the moment you're done with work. If it's reading time you're worried about, just grab a table in the cafeteria after you sign out and study until the peak traffic period is over. If it's sleep, grab a call room (or the backseat of your car) and take a nap. I did all of the above at times during my residency. You'll likely get home at the same time, or only a little later, that you would have if you'd gotten in the car and sat in traffic.

I don't entirely understand why you're bringing patient care issues into this. You're not going to be making fatigue-related issues because of your commute.

 

[epsilonprodigy]

As a surgery resident, I imagine traffic will be a non-issue more than you think, even in the evenings. Remember, there's no rule that you have to leave the hospital the moment you're done with work. If it's reading time you're worried about, just grab a table in the cafeteria after you sign out and study until the peak traffic period is over. If it's sleep, grab a call room (or the backseat of your car) and take a nap. I did all of the above at times during my residency. You'll likely get home at the same time, or only a little later, that you would have if you'd gotten in the car and sat in traffic.

I don't entirely understand why you're bringing patient care issues into this. You're not going to be making fatigue-related issues because of your commute.

All true, which is why I'm playing it by ear. Heck, I haven't even matched yet.

As for the patient safety thing, I would think the impact of the commute depends on the person. I certainly hope I'm able to spot out-of-control exhaustion long before it leads to something bad. Even so, I don't think that kind of commute time is reasonable/healthy, even for hardcore people like us!

 

[mvenus929]

All true, which is why I'm playing it by ear. Heck, I haven't even matched yet.

As for the patient safety thing, I would think the impact of the commute depends on the person. I certainly hope I'm able to spot out-of-control exhaustion long before it leads to something bad. Even so, I don't think that kind of commute time is reasonable/healthy, even for hardcore people like us!

Recognizing that I am in Peds and not surgery... One of my chiefs lives an hour commute away, each way. Most residents live within 30 minutes in bad traffic of the hospital. She has lived there for at least the last 2.5 years, which means she has made the commute even in the worst possible schedule we could have. It was a priority for her and she made it work. I agree with 22031 above... If you're worried about leaving during peak traffic time, grab a nap or study for an hour,until the traffic dies down. It shouldn't be an issue in the morning unless for some reason you don't have to get there til 8 one day (in which case, I'd recommend coming in early and sleeping or studying beforehand).

 

[22031 Alum]

Remember that as a surgery resident you will be taking a lot of home call especially as you get more senior. Exactly how long of a commute are you talking about?

As an OB who will probably never have home call as an option, I forgot about this. Do some residencies have requirements that you live within a certain "drive time"?

 

[Mad Jack]

Akwho, you said it. To be honest, the fact that my SO can even consider saying "well if you don't match around here, then just don't be a doctor," after all this work, time, money, and agreeing to be on board initially makes me ask some fairly big questions. His failure to understand the financial and emotional ramifications of such a thing just blows my mind. He's also intermittently threatening not to move, regardless of where I match. For now, all I can do is rank geographically and cross that bridge when/if we come to it. I have a child to think about, so I'm not about to rashly declare my independence and march off into the sunset, but I also won't consider ending my career before it's begun for his convenience.

Wow, those are some very irrational thoughts on his part, wtf.