I do think the long-term effects of BZDs (and all addictive substances) are poorly exposed. The evidence is pretty robust at this point that long-term use of BZDs in high enough amounts WILL cause brain damage and there is a question of how reversible it is. Cognitive delay, memory issues, increase in depression. All pretty strong effects of chronic tx wih BZDs.
Ceke, I do hope you're seeing a musculoskeletal specialist (a PMR doc would be ideal) about the muscle spasms. There may be some workable options out there for you.
Thank you very much. It's nice to hear someone just say that it's poorly exposed. There are still all these myths surrounding people who have taken benzos for a long time: what effects they would have and why a person would do it.
It's difficult to hear about the brain damage but not as difficult as it used to be (hopefully that blunting of being upset over brain damage isn't itself a result of brain damage). I've been on benzodiazepines longer than I've not (started at 14, I'm almost 32 now, they've been taken exactly as prescribed the entire time—I have severe OCD, and that applies to medication dosing, as well). Given that, it's hard to know what life off benzos would be like. I do know there are obvious issues. On the benzodiazepines, my OCD worsened tremendously as I lost more sense of time and memory and it made me feel like I had to record things more in an OCD way. And I started off with very strong OCD. It was my most present problem when I was prescribed Ativan. So, the OCD started focusing on my ability/inability to remember things and losing track of moments, ie, why didn't I remember that? And on the longer track, I don't have a great memory of much of my life post-benzo. On the other hand, my higher level thinking seems to be quite intact. Developmentally I think I am somewhat like an alcoholic who gets stuck in the time they started alcohol. Fortunately I was fairly mature at age 14. But I have lived as a disabled person at home with my parents, and I don't have a great sense of individualization. And I have had forms of anxiety post-benzo that I never did pre-benzo. So there are obvious problems caused by the benzos. For one thing, my anxiety never got better. And I got less and less functional. More and more autonomic problems. Ativan probably worked at most about 6 months in high school, but looking back on it, I don't think it really was ever helping more than hurting after that.
I've finally found a psychiatrist who knows enough to help me get off, and for the first time I trust a psychiatrist. I never thought I would say that. It's quite wonderful. She really, really gets it. I think it's because she has so many benzo patients that she's had a lot of hands-on learning. She takes the Ashton approach but then tweaks it to what works. I got to a point where I made enough changes and had success in other areas of my life that I was willing to try this. I had been to terrified to for so many years. And that's a huge problem. Both the fear of changing and not having someone who could really help you change.
For me, I know I would have gotten off sooner if I had had more knowledgable doctors on benzodiazepines who were more reassuring. I had done my research and read the horror stories of withdrawal. I wanted to go the Ashton route. The doctors I saw did not encourage me to withdraw but said if I wanted to I would just have to chip my pills. Some suggested doing a cold-turkey phenobarbital-assisted withdrawal, which is almost universally panned as a really bad idea. I knew that; they didn't.
Active encouragement and knowledge-based support would have saved me from waiting so long to to this. The psychiatrists I saw before 1) didn't care 2) didn't associate my plethora of symptoms with tolerance withdrawal and 3) didn't have the knowledge to help me.
I still feel tenuous about it, as it's early days. And I truly am not angry anymore. I almost feel liberated--hopefully not getting ahead of myself--knock on wood. But I can actually see myself doing this.
Anyhow, sorry for going on so long. But maybe it will help someone. Never underestimate the value of encouragement when it comes to this.
