Warning. 18 year old with relationship troubles.

[RuralPhysician8]

OK, so I have known this girl since last year. We were both juniors and she just all of a sudden asked for my number. I am slightly below average on the attractive scale; however, she is without a doubt the most attractive female in my life. So at first I thought it was the usual "hot girl convinces class nerd to give answers and write papers", I was wrong. She genuinely wanted to be friends and it was just a matter of days before we were together at least 3/4 of the day. It was a great friendship and I realized that I was at least somewhat "in love" with this girl, but she went through some major stuff right before I was about to confess (this incident involved a court hearing) and I realized she needed a friend more than a lover for the time being so I pushed my emotions to the side to support her 100%. All that is over now, we have both been accepted to great schools and are currently enjoying the summer (though we do not see as much of each other now that high school is over); in addition to, I confessed my emotions and she is giving it a chance. The only issue is, the relationship is being obstructed and not going anywhere. I offer to take her out every week, I buy her items she wants, I always have time for her, etc... yet her work and family schedule constantly get in the way of us spending time together. For example, yesterday she needed to borrow $25 for gas and we were able to talk for 15 minutes before her dad bombarded her phone with "where are you" texts; this was the first face to face conversation we have had in 2 weeks. And I honestly do not help matters all the time because I tried to make a lame joke to ease some stress she was having and somehow it ended with her eyes staring at me as I said, "...you see a seizure is a disruption of the normal electrical activity in the brain...", she is far from dumb, just not a biology nerd (like me). We are both packing our weekdays with school and work related activities for college so we can have our weekends free and hopefully see each other every week; however, I understand this will not be happening if I do not get past the "Friend zone" by late August. Are these the signs of something that is bound to fail? Or is there a way to show her my commitment without putting too much pressure on her to move further?

Thanks, and sorry if this thread wreaks of Pre-Med immaturity, but I really need the advice of like minded people here.

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[J ROD]

Dude, she is not that into you. If she was, you would already be in her.

You are a convenient guy friend of a pretty girl.

She will use you when she wants. String you along. And do it with a smile.


You can still play her game or learn.

It took me until about 23 to get this. A beautiful woman is hard to resist.

Just remember you are going to be the friend here and she is going to be plucking the bad boy who treats her like crap. Dont ask me why. But this is how it works a large majority of the time.

 

[V3NOM]

Forget her. This is not going anywhere. Girls like this like bad boys.

I remember when I fell in love with a girl. We both kissed and all that stuff then all of the sudden she saw me as a friend. I was in love and did not want to lose her so I offered her to be best friends. Things did great like 2 years but then I fell in love again. We ended our friendship. She knows I'm the perfect guy for her, but she still prefers bad boys. I just move on and get to know others girls (best decision). College is full of beautiful girls. Pre-meds sexy girls are looking for smarts premeds boys. Move on and forget that b...

 

[RuralPhysician8]

Thanks. She was a bad boy fan, but I thought she had out grown it; I am probably just kidding myself there. I am going to see her next week and I will just say I am no longer interested in trying for romance. From your guys advice, it sounds better to do that now rather than later. I do kind of feel like a jerk telling her since it was my idea to start this sorry excuse for a relationship in the first place. Should I just be blunt with this or possibly put it in a letter? I used to write her poetry but have not for awhile.

 

[WhtsThFrequency]

Dude, she put you in the friend-zone because she does not want a relationship. She wants a friend.

Don't fall into the "nice guy" trap of thinking this girl owes you a relationship because you are nice to her. Don't try to guilt her into a relationship by doing all this stuff for her. Do it for her because you are a friend, but please God, not because you're trying to get with her.

She absolutely has the right to have a relationship which whomever she wishes, and she can also choose to be friends with whomever she wishes. She's not a bitch. She's not a bad person. She just doesn't want to be with you in a romantic sense. You can show her all the commitment you want, but if she is not into you, she is not into you. And that is neither her fault nor yours.

I'm perhaps biased because I had a long term (6+ years) male friend who did what I describe above. He was very into me, and I was not although I treated him as a good friend for many years. So many awkward conversations of him expressing his feelings to me. Eventually he became very bitter, accused me of only liking certain types of people, would bother me constantly as to why I couldn't see what a good find he was and how committed he was....please, OP, don't fall into that trap.

As an aside...who gives a flying **** if she likes "bad boys?" That's a type like anything else. Guys have types just as much - the nerdy girl, the bombshell, the pretty nurses, etc. If she likes guys with tats or guys who rides motorcycles, whatever - there's nothing wrong with that. It's only a problem (for her, not you) if these "bad boys" are treating her poorly, something that "good guys" are just as capable of doing.

In closing, OP (as a girl who has been in a similar position to the girl you are describing), she probably initially wanted to get to know you better or at least be your friend. Then afterwards, she decided that although she no longer thought you were relationship material (which is totally within her right - that is what meeting people is all about), she wanted to stay friends. And your confession of feelings put her in a very awkward position and she likely agreed to "give it a chance" because she was afraid of hurting you (yes, immaturity on her part, but she's also ~18). She's likely pulling away on purpose so YOU will be the one to call it off, and therefore not feel as hurt.

 

[RuralPhysician8]

Dude, she put you in the friend-zone because she does not want a relationship. She wants a friend.

Don't fall into the "nice guy" trap of thinking this girl owes you a relationship because you are nice to her. Don't try to guilt her into a relationship by doing all this stuff for her. Do it for her because you are a friend, but please God, not because you're trying to get with her.

She absolutely has the right to have a relationship which whomever she wishes, and she can also choose to be friends with whomever she wishes. She's not a bitch. She's not a bad person. She just doesn't want to be with you in a romantic sense. You can show her all the commitment you want, but if she is not into you, she is not into you. And that is neither her fault nor yours.

I'm perhaps biased because I had a long term (6+ years) male friend who did what I describe above. He was very into me, and I was not although I treated him as a good friend for many years. So many awkward conversations of him expressing his feelings to me. Eventually he became very bitter, accused me of only liking certain types of people, would bother me constantly as to why I couldn't see what a good find he was and how committed he was....please, OP, don't fall into that trap.

As an aside...who gives a flying **** if she likes "bad boys?" That's a type like anything else. Guys have types just as much - the nerdy girl, the bombshell, the pretty nurses, etc. If she likes guys with tats or guys who rides motorcycles, whatever - there's nothing wrong with that. It's only a problem (for her, not you) if these "bad boys" are treating her poorly, something that "good guys" are just as capable of doing.

In closing, OP (as a girl who has been in a similar position to the girl you are describing), she probably initially wanted to get to know you better or at least be your friend. Then afterwards, she decided that although she no longer thought you were relationship material (which is totally within her right - that is what meeting people is all about), she wanted to stay friends. And your confession of feelings put her in a very awkward position and she likely agreed to "give it a chance" because she was afraid of hurting you (yes, immaturity on her part, but she's also ~18). She's likely pulling away on purpose so YOU will be the one to call it off, and therefore not feel as hurt.

This is exactly what I am trying to avoid. I do not think she is wrong for her tastes...I am a weirdo myself. I doubt she is deliberately trying to distance from me...I have seen her work schedule and her family is demanding; however, who knows? I have to agree with you on why she agreed to try though, makes perfect sense. Point being, how do I close this without coming off as a jerk?

P.S. I really appreciate your input, a lot of girls pass guys like me up until they need a tutor (lol). Thanks for taking the time.

 

[WhtsThFrequency]

This is exactly what I am trying to avoid. I do not think she is wrong for her tastes...I am a weirdo myself. I doubt she is deliberately trying to distance from me...I have seen her work schedule and her family is demanding; however, who knows? I have to agree with you on why she agreed to try though, makes perfect sense. Point being, how do I close this without coming off as a jerk?

P.S. I really appreciate your input, a lot of girls pass guys like me up until they need a tutor (lol). Thanks for taking the time.

Hah, no problem. It doesn't sounds like either one of you are bad people in the least, just that there is an imbalance of affection.

The reason I put in my caveats is that I could see the stupid circlejerk of "Pretty girls never like nice guys, they always like bad boys, blah blah" starting, and that never gets anyone anywhere. It only results in demonizing people that don't deserve to be demonized and making people feel bad about themselves and/or resentful.

I don't think you will come off as a jerk at all as long as you are honest. I would say something like this "Hey, I know I mentioned my feelings a while ago, and wanted to ask you how you see our relationship progressing. I feel like we had a very strong connection as friends, and am worried that this new dynamic (which admittedly began at my request) has caused us to drift apart. Like it has added more stress and I feel like we aren't as close as we used to be. I wanted to know where you stand on the matter and what you think would be the best way for us to remain friendly but without this cloud of possible affection imbalance over our heads. I like you a great deal, as you know, but I also wonder if pursuing a relationship is the best course of action for us."

Something like that. Now, the question is - do you think you could stay friends with her and not let your affections get in the way? If you don't think you can, it might be better to just cut all ties, which will obviously be a little messier but better for you in the long run.

And by the way, OP - don't put yourself down like that. That only leads to the nasty hate-spiral I mentioned above. Girls don't like bad boys because they are "bad" - it is because they are confident. Unfortunately, confidence can also associate closely with assholism, and a lot of girls get sucked into it while being blamed at the same time for ignoring the "nice guys". They don't ignore they "nice guys" because they don't like them, they ignore them because they put themselves down too often. A REAL "nice guy" is a gentleman with confidence - not a self-obsessed bro, not a PUA - a gentleman with confidence. The "nice guy" complex that a lot of guys have is not that - they are resentful, clingy, have low self-esteem, etc.

There is nothing worse than a guy who makes it obvious that he feels like you are too good for him. It's unattractive and makes us feel uncomfortable. Now, this doesn't mean to go out and be an slimy pick-up artist jerk - that may get you tail, but it won't get you quality tail. Just basic self-worth and self-satisfaction.

Chin up, and take it as a compliment that she liked you enough to get to know you! Don't let your feelings for any woman make you lose your sense of worth. Don't put anyone on a pedestal they don't deserve. There are so many women out there, you have lots of time

Girls can be immature for a long time (I'll be the first to admit it!), so it may take a while to find someone who has a clear idea of what they want out of life and a relationship. But when you find that person, it'll be a breath of fresh air.

 

[mercaptovizadeh]

This is classic friend zone. Cut your losses and ignore her. She is just not that into you.

 

[RuralPhysician8]

Hah, no problem. It doesn't sounds like either one of you are bad people in the least, just that there is an imbalance of affection.

The reason I put in my caveats is that I could see the stupid circlejerk of "Pretty girls never like nice guys, they always like bad boys, blah blah" starting, and that never gets anyone anywhere. It only results in demonizing people that don't deserve to be demonized and making people feel bad about themselves and/or resentful.

I don't think you will come off as a jerk at all as long as you are honest. I would say something like this "Hey, I know I mentioned my feelings a while ago, and wanted to ask you how you see our relationship progressing. I feel like we had a very strong connection as friends, and am worried that this new dynamic (which admittedly began at my request) has caused us to drift apart. Like it has added more stress and I feel like we aren't as close as we used to be. I wanted to know where you stand on the matter and what you think would be the best way for us to remain friendly but without this cloud of possible affection imbalance over our heads. I like you a great deal, as you know, but I also wonder if pursuing a relationship is the best course of action for us."

Something like that. Now, the question is - do you think you could stay friends with her and not let your affections get in the way? If you don't think you can, it might be better to just cut all ties, which will obviously be a little messier but better for you in the long run.

And by the way, OP - don't put yourself down like that. That only leads to the nasty hate-spiral I mentioned above. Girls don't like bad boys because they are "bad" - it is because they are confident. Unfortunately, confidence can also associate closely with assholism, and a lot of girls get sucked into it while being blamed at the same time for ignoring the "nice guys". They don't ignore they "nice guys" because they don't like them, they ignore them because they put themselves down too often. A REAL "nice guy" is a gentleman with confidence - not a self-obsessed bro, not a PUA - a gentleman with confidence. The "nice guy" complex that a lot of guys have is not that - they are resentful, clingy, have low self-esteem, etc.

There is nothing worse than a guy who makes it obvious that he feels like you are too good for him. It's unattractive and makes us feel uncomfortable. Now, this doesn't mean to go out and be an slimy pick-up artist jerk - that may get you tail, but it won't get you quality tail. Just basic self-worth and self-satisfaction.

Chin up, and take it as a compliment that she liked you enough to get to know you! Don't let your feelings for any woman make you lose your sense of worth. Don't put anyone on a pedestal they don't deserve. There are so many women out there, you have lots of time

Girls can be immature for a long time (I'll be the first to admit it!), so it may take a while to find someone who has a clear idea of what they want out of life and a relationship. But when you find that person, it'll be a breath of fresh air.

Thanks, I kind of worked out an approach like that earlier when I was studying. My lack of confidence is the main thing keeping me out of relationships, my body language mostly and lack of eye contact (Disorder on Autism spectrum); I am slowly getting better at reminding myself and staying comfortable at the latter activity. I am confident in my academics and hobbies just not the social scene as much. I do not hold anger, I had a lot of it before I started my rehabilitation years ago and I am not going back.

Thanks everybody.

 

[GUH]

Thanks, I kind of worked out an approach like that earlier when I was studying. My lack of confidence is the main thing keeping me out of relationships, my body language mostly and lack of eye contact (Disorder on Autism spectrum); I am slowly getting better at reminding myself and staying comfortable at the latter activity. I am confident in my academics and hobbies just not the social scene as much. I do not hold anger, I had a lot of it before I started my rehabilitation years ago and I am not going back.

Thanks everybody.

If you choose to break up with her, break of all communication immediately after explaining your feelings to her. I learned this the hard way.

 

[J ROD]

yeah, best thing for you is to just cut her lose. You cant try and be friends because you will want more. Sooner the better. Rip her off like a bandaid and keep moving.

 

[Gpan]

whoa whoa now, do not do anything stupid before you think hard about this. You said you and her both agreed to give this a try, but not going anywhere that you want. What do YOU want? She's busy, and so are you. Get together every other weekend is not that bad for college kids with busy schedule. Friend zone happens only when you let it happen. Let me ask you this. Have you slept with her yet? And WHY THE **** NOT? Just ****ing do it. If she's hesitant then walk out the ****ing door. Be a man. If she wanted to give this a try then it involves sex. If not, deal's off. Go find another girl on campus.
And what's the hell is wrong with you? Buying her stuffs? What are you, her fiancee? I don't buy **** for girls I'm dating. I only buy whatever I and the girls can enjoy together. So you blame her for liking "bad guys", but you never realize that "good guys" act like ******* and lack common sense. "Bad guys" get what they want because they have self esteem and stand up for themselves, not trying to please other people or buying other people's love. Have u ever thought of that?

 

[RuralPhysician8]

whoa whoa now, do not do anything stupid before you think hard about this. You said you and her both agreed to give this a try, but not going anywhere that you want. What do YOU want? She's busy, and so are you. Get together every other weekend is not that bad for college kids with busy schedule. Friend zone happens only when you let it happen. Let me ask you this. Have you slept with her yet? And WHY THE **** NOT? Just ****ing do it. If she's hesitant then walk out the ****ing door. Be a man. If she wanted to give this a try then it involves sex. If not, deal's off. Go find another girl on campus.
And what's the hell is wrong with you? Buying her stuffs? What are you, her fiancee? I don't buy **** for girls I'm dating. I only buy whatever I and the girls can enjoy together. So you blame her for liking "bad guys", but you never realize that "good guys" act like ******* and lack common sense. "Bad guys" get what they want because they have self esteem and stand up for themselves, not trying to please other people or buying other people's love. Have u ever thought of that?

OK even I am not dumb enough to say "sex or bust". We have never slept together or kissed (yes, I know pathetic). I do not attempt to "buy love", if she mentions something about three times and it is under $60 I usually buy it. As I said before, I do not blame her for any "tastes" she may have. I have self-esteem, I just do not present as much confidence. I will see her a few days from now so I will be reflecting based on this thread and my own independent thoughts until then. As far as what I want from her, just the understanding that while she will finish with a Masters and I will have 5-6 years of school left (finish med school plus 3 year residency), she has hinted on preferring me to pursue surgery over primary care, but my choice and all. I appreciate your blunt honesty, thanks.

 

[GUH]

I do not attempt to "buy love", if she mentions something about three times and it is under $60 I usually buy it...

red flag

 

[IlDestriero]

Ignore her for a few weeks, imply you met a cool girl at work. Miss at least 50% of her texts and calls (you were busy and then forgot to call). Maybe she'll get jealous (you'd be surprised) you are HER friend after all. WTF is going on???. Make a big plan to meet her at a party, talk up how great it still be to spend some time with her again. Be late, very late. Blow it off like it's nothing (you got tied up helping "a friend" with "something". "It was no big deal". Don't drink, eyeball other hot girls, then drive her home.
Hit it it, then quit it. Just drop it like it's hot.
Repeat.
Welcome to college.
In a couple years you'll be banging the homecoming queen.
You're welcome.

 

[RuralPhysician8]

red flag

Explain, if you do not mind?

 

[WhtsThFrequency]

red flag

Agreed...my opinion of her just dropped if she keeps hinting at gifts from a relatively new boyfriend. Hell, I don't even ask my fiancé for gifts unless it's a special occasion and I'm getting him something too.

Does she just mention things she likes and you buy it because you want to, or does she hint that you should get things for her? If it's the latter, that's a little self centered of her for a new relationship.

 

[DrYoda]

Ignore her for a few weeks, imply you met a cool girl at work. Miss at least 50% of her texts and calls (you were busy and then forgot to call). Maybe she'll get jealous (you'd be surprised) you are HER friend after all. WTF is going on???. Make a big plan to meet her at a party, talk up how great it still be to spend some time with her again. Be late, very late. Blow it off like it's nothing (you got tied up helping "a friend" with "something". "It was no big deal". Don't drink, eyeball other hot girls, then drive her home.
Hit it it, then quit it. Just drop it like it's hot.
Repeat.
Welcome to college.
In a couple years you'll be banging the homecoming queen.
You're welcome.

+1

This guy knows what he's talking about.

 

[RuralPhysician8]

Agreed...my opinion of her just dropped if she keeps hinting at gifts from a relatively new boyfriend. Hell, I don't even ask my fiancé for gifts unless it's a special occasion and I'm getting him something too.

Does she just mention things she likes and you buy it because you want to, or does she hint that you should get things for her? If it's the latter, that's a little self centered of her for a new relationship.

I would not necessarily call myself a boyfriend, never kissed. In the last three months I have bought her ~3 gifts. The last one was a not too expensive necklace, she had worked all week and baby sat her nephew every evening so I just wanted to get her something to lift her spirits that weekend; she does hint occasionally but never anything drastic. I am starting to see the main idea that I really need to get my **** together...I am really glad I sought counsel here...thanks.

 

[that redhead]

It just doesn't sound like a good relationship. You don't need to let her down gently, but you don't need to be an ass about it. Just tell her that things aren't panning out the way you'd hoped and you'd like to move on.

 

[Hillo]

Hah, no problem. It doesn't sounds like either one of you are bad people in the least, just that there is an imbalance of affection.

The reason I put in my caveats is that I could see the stupid circlejerk of "Pretty girls never like nice guys, they always like bad boys, blah blah" starting, and that never gets anyone anywhere. It only results in demonizing people that don't deserve to be demonized and making people feel bad about themselves and/or resentful.

I don't think you will come off as a jerk at all as long as you are honest. I would say something like this "Hey, I know I mentioned my feelings a while ago, and wanted to ask you how you see our relationship progressing. I feel like we had a very strong connection as friends, and am worried that this new dynamic (which admittedly began at my request) has caused us to drift apart. Like it has added more stress and I feel like we aren't as close as we used to be. I wanted to know where you stand on the matter and what you think would be the best way for us to remain friendly but without this cloud of possible affection imbalance over our heads. I like you a great deal, as you know, but I also wonder if pursuing a relationship is the best course of action for us."

Something like that. Now, the question is - do you think you could stay friends with her and not let your affections get in the way? If you don't think you can, it might be better to just cut all ties, which will obviously be a little messier but better for you in the long run.

And by the way, OP - don't put yourself down like that. That only leads to the nasty hate-spiral I mentioned above. Girls don't like bad boys because they are "bad" - it is because they are confident. Unfortunately, confidence can also associate closely with assholism, and a lot of girls get sucked into it while being blamed at the same time for ignoring the "nice guys". They don't ignore they "nice guys" because they don't like them, they ignore them because they put themselves down too often. A REAL "nice guy" is a gentleman with confidence - not a self-obsessed bro, not a PUA - a gentleman with confidence. The "nice guy" complex that a lot of guys have is not that - they are resentful, clingy, have low self-esteem, etc.

There is nothing worse than a guy who makes it obvious that he feels like you are too good for him. It's unattractive and makes us feel uncomfortable. Now, this doesn't mean to go out and be an slimy pick-up artist jerk - that may get you tail, but it won't get you quality tail. Just basic self-worth and self-satisfaction.

Chin up, and take it as a compliment that she liked you enough to get to know you! Don't let your feelings for any woman make you lose your sense of worth. Don't put anyone on a pedestal they don't deserve. There are so many women out there, you have lots of time

Girls can be immature for a long time (I'll be the first to admit it!), so it may take a while to find someone who has a clear idea of what they want out of life and a relationship. But when you find that person, it'll be a breath of fresh air.

Wow, great post! Very well-written.

Rural, I think you should focus on someone who'll be more long-term (since you guys may go to different colleges or med school/residency will separate you guys).
Btw, I admire you for confessing You're better than millions of guys out there.

 

[xXIDaShizIXx]

Wow, great post! Very well-written.

Rural, I think you should focus on someone who'll be more long-term (since you guys may go to different colleges or med school/residency will separate you guys).
Btw, I admire you for confessing You're better than millions of guys out there.

Dump her and run.

 

[Gpan]

+1, but blow her off for a while before going in for the kill, just doing it out of the blue at this point will not work, trust me on this one.

work for me on multiple occasions

 

[RuralPhysician8]

OK, update. I called her one night in a five minute conversation just said "I am sorry for putting you on a pedestal for the last year, it was not cool for me to ask you into a relationship, yadds yada". After that we went out a few times as friends and I gradually let text messages go unanswered, I figured we had just faded away from each other. Two weeks later though she drove up to the house one afternoon when I was doing yard work. I just kind of said, "text me later" and started the mower up again, but she sat on the porch until I was done. When I sat down with her she just started irrelevant talking like "how was your day, what are you having for dinner", I shrugged the answered off and waited for her real reason for coming over (she never does anything without purpose)...then she said, "I lost my insurance, my family is now having to keep my grandparents up, my school is making me purchase all my supplies, and I cannot get a shift at work". I asked for proof and she showed me the bills as well as her wallet and bank account and text messages from her mom. She had been a great friend to me and my feelings told me to give her money until she was on her feet then cut. So for the last few weeks I have been buying whatever school supplies she could not get with her paycheck. I am kind of broke over this as I had to buy all my stuff too...luckily I get refunded from scholarships soon and I have a steady part time job. Any way now that she is pretty much set...I will be distancing myself once again and if she does show up then I will be too busy or already have plans...something. I do not want any romance right now, having to hold my feelings in has made me sick and I am going to be "antisocial" for a year and just focus on college. I am also getting more serious about my workouts (started 5x5 strong lifts) and have made plans to train in martial arts (professor is a black belt) as well perform all the necessary pre-med volunteering. I took a long look at myself and I feel I need a year to just get my act together. I would thank you guys, but I really hate the friend zone.

 

[IlDestriero]

OK, update. I called her one night in a five minute conversation just said "I am sorry for putting you on a pedestal for the last year, it was not cool for me to ask you into a relationship, yadds yada". After that we went out a few times as friends and I gradually let text messages go unanswered, I figured we had just faded away from each other. Two weeks later though she drove up to the house one afternoon when I was doing yard work. I just kind of said, "text me later" and started the mower up again, but she sat on the porch until I was done. When I sat down with her she just started irrelevant talking like "how was your day, what are you having for dinner", I shrugged the answered off and waited for her real reason for coming over (she never does anything without purpose)...then she said, "I lost my insurance, my family is now having to keep my grandparents up, my school is making me purchase all my supplies, and I cannot get a shift at work". I asked for proof and she showed me the bills as well as her wallet and bank account and text messages from her mom. She had been a great friend to me and my feelings told me to give her money until she was on her feet then cut. So for the last few weeks I have been buying whatever school supplies she could not get with her paycheck. I am kind of broke over this as I had to buy all my stuff too...luckily I get refunded from scholarships soon and I have a steady part time job. Any way now that she is pretty much set...I will be distancing myself once again and if she does show up then I will be too busy or already have plans...something. I do not want any romance right now, having to hold my feelings in has made me sick and I am going to be "antisocial" for a year and just focus on college. I am also getting more serious about my workouts (started 5x5 strong lifts) and have made plans to train in martial arts (professor is a black belt) as well perform all the necessary pre-med volunteering. I took a long look at myself and I feel I need a year to just get my act together. I would thank you guys, but I really hate the friend zone.

OMG.
I have plenty money, always flush, and I still wouldn't have bought her more than dinner and some drinks. You're allowing yourself to get worked over like a $10 ***** on pay day.
I never lent any of my friends any money at all, ever. But, I bought a lot of rounds and took people out to dinner.
Stop buying people things, no matter how much you have. Some people will struggle, that's their path to walk.

 

[RuralPhysician8]

OMG.
I have plenty money, always flush, and I still wouldn't have bought her more than dinner and some drinks. You're allowing yourself to get worked over like a $10 ***** on pay day.
I never lent any of my friends any money at all, ever. But, I bought a lot of rounds and took people out to dinner.
Stop buying people things, no matter how much you have. Some people will struggle, that's their path to walk.

It is true, I had plans for the money that ended up going to her; however I was not just going to let her get a credit card and drown in debt before freshman year. What kind of person would I be if I did not help her out? (A smart one). Lending is not typical of me, but I do help out when I can. Why? My parents grew up dirt poor (no running water poor) and now that they have a bit in their pocket, they often spend it on the community or give it to someone in a bind, I follow their example but I always make sure my needs are covered first. Point being, I am done with this mess now and just want distance to do its thing.

 

[SunsFun]

It is true, I had plans for the money that ended up going to her; however I was not just going to let her get a credit card and drown in debt before freshman year. What kind of person would I be if I did not help her out? (A smart one). Lending is not typical of me, but I do help out when I can. Why? My parents grew up dirt poor (no running water poor) and now that they have a bit in their pocket, they often spend it on the community or give it to someone in a bind, I follow their example but I always make sure my needs are covered first. Point being, I am done with this mess now and just want distance to do its thing.

I am with you, OP. I help out friends as much as I can and will fight over a check when we go out. It depends on your upbringing. I wasn't brought up in United States and it is pretty normal where I am from. As long as you're not doing it with hopes of eventually having a relationship - you're good. (I am assuming she is honestly a close friend of yours and is not just using you)

 

[SunsFun]

Ignore her for a few weeks, imply you met a cool girl at work. Miss at least 50% of her texts and calls (you were busy and then forgot to call). Maybe she'll get jealous (you'd be surprised) you are HER friend after all. WTF is going on???. Make a big plan to meet her at a party, talk up how great it still be to spend some time with her again. Be late, very late. Blow it off like it's nothing (you got tied up helping "a friend" with "something". "It was no big deal". Don't drink, eyeball other hot girls, then drive her home.
Hit it it, then quit it. Just drop it like it's hot.
Repeat.
Welcome to college.
In a couple years you'll be banging the homecoming queen.
You're welcome.

Is this a movie reference? Sound familiar.

 

[TheWeeIceMan]

Dude, she is playing you. I.....I can't even believe this is not a troll thread anymore. It is just that ridiculous. Ask yourself, if I didn't wan't to smang this girl, would I be giving her money? Be honest. You sound like a good guy, but you are young, probably a bit naive, and there are red flags all over this situation.

 

[RuralPhysician8]

I only posted an update because the thread was still getting replies and as I stated in said update, the situation is resolved. I learned my lesson...trust me. Having to scrounge just to buy some used textbooks was enough to get me to realize that the next time I truly want to help someone out I will break my back and not my Wallet. As far as me being played, to an extent, yes more than likely; however, being a naive brat that likes to make make decisions based on looking back got me into the situation so I may as well just throw it all in my pile of mistakes and move on so I can feed my success pile. I am taking a year off from all unnecessary social contact and reaffirming my place in unprofessional society so this issue does not reoccur. With all that said, further input is, I suppose, appreciated but no longer needed.

 

[kami333]

All teenage guys should be given a lesson on The Ladder Theory

 

[GUH]

OK, update. I called her one night in a five minute conversation just said "I am sorry for putting you on a pedestal for the last year, it was not cool for me to ask you into a relationship, yadds yada". After that we went out a few times as friends and I gradually let text messages go unanswered, I figured we had just faded away from each other. Two weeks later though she drove up to the house one afternoon when I was doing yard work. I just kind of said, "text me later" and started the mower up again, but she sat on the porch until I was done. When I sat down with her she just started irrelevant talking like "how was your day, what are you having for dinner", I shrugged the answered off and waited for her real reason for coming over (she never does anything without purpose)...then she said, "I lost my insurance, my family is now having to keep my grandparents up, my school is making me purchase all my supplies, and I cannot get a shift at work". I asked for proof and she showed me the bills as well as her wallet and bank account and text messages from her mom. She had been a great friend to me and my feelings told me to give her money until she was on her feet then cut. So for the last few weeks I have been buying whatever school supplies she could not get with her paycheck. I am kind of broke over this as I had to buy all my stuff too...luckily I get refunded from scholarships soon and I have a steady part time job. Any way now that she is pretty much set...I will be distancing myself once again and if she does show up then I will be too busy or already have plans...something. I do not want any romance right now, having to hold my feelings in has made me sick and I am going to be "antisocial" for a year and just focus on college. I am also getting more serious about my workouts (started 5x5 strong lifts) and have made plans to train in martial arts (professor is a black belt) as well perform all the necessary pre-med volunteering. I took a long look at myself and I feel I need a year to just get my act together. I would thank you guys, but I really hate the friend zone.

why am I not surprised?

 

[RuralPhysician8]

+1, and if it's not a troll thread, which I just can't imagine, but if it's not, she blew the book money you gave her on her actual boyfriend. No offense man, it happened to me once when I was 17. I bought a girl I liked a necklace-I had zero game and thought that's how it worked-and a few months later I see it on a guy she started dating. I don't know if I can even blame women for this, what are they supposed to do, but at least my example didn't effing ask me for the necklace... and as far as this chick being your friend... NO SHE IS NOT! You think she's your friend, you think if you pretend that long enough some day she will be more than that, but she's not, she never will be that or anything more, and she will always have problems your money will somehow solve... again, if this isn't a troll job, but if so, bravo, damn good one.

Sorry, not a troll thread. As I already stated, yes I got played, that is why I am now out of the situation. Did I think that the stars would eventually align and we would be "happy ever after"? Yes, but not anymore. I have ceased contact with her, I doubt I will see her around town either...I try to keep myself busy. Also, I am not going to let this reoccur with some other girl. This whole thread has taught me that I need to sit down with my sociology textbooks and do a complete makeover on my behavior toward the opposite sex. For the record, I have a diagnosed disorder that causes me to lack most of the social skills that I should have had or developed before puberty. Also, I am not angry at her, I am at myself for having such pathetic and undisciplined behaviour.

This thread gave me a lot of insight and I appreciate everything; however, things are getting rather hackneyed.

 

[Escape_Goat]

/\/\ It's called Nice Guy Syndrome /\/\

words

Dude. This chick did not want a relationship with you. She friend-zoned you because she didn't want a relationship with you. You proceeded to buy her stuff and spend money on her hoping she will see how devoted you are to her and she would come around once you've spent enough money on her.

Did she take advantage of that? Maybe. Having said that, your behavior was worse.

Your behavior was classic "Nice Guy". You became friends with her under the pretense that it would eventually turn into what you wanted--and you tried to speed that along by dropping money on her. You finally realized that it was never going to happen and you whip out the victim card, seek sympathy from the interweb, and lament about how she took your money and gave you nothing in return.

 

[RuralPhysician8]

Would you mind sharing what that disorder is? I'm no psychologist, but I'm not sure of a disorder that could do that to you and then leave you capable of becoming a doctor. Even to succeed in academia and certainly as a medical professional you will need some semblance of social ability.

I phrased that rather awkwardly, it is a disorder on the autism spectrum, I do not disclosed the exact syndrome to anyone but my parents and professionals. I am not directly incapable of developing those skills, it just takes longer. The basic stuff is there...emotions, facial expressions, direct communication, and I am pretty good at body language. Obviously, understanding the opposite sex is still lacking obviously. I just did not develop those traits at the same time and in the same way as a normal individual; however, my psych evaluations are showing that I am catching up very well. I really do not want to get into some "sociologic traits medical professionals need" debate. I think you are just curious though and I have no issue with that.

 

[RuralPhysician8]

/\/\ It's called Nice Guy Syndrome /\/\



Dude. This chick did not want a relationship with you. She friend-zoned you because she didn't want a relationship with you. You proceeded to buy her stuff and spend money on her hoping she will see how devoted you are to her and she would come around once you've spent enough money on her.

Did she take advantage of that? Maybe. Having said that, your behavior was worse.

Your behavior was classic "Nice Guy". You became friends with her under the pretense that it would eventually turn into what you wanted--and you tried to speed that along by dropping money on her. You finally realized that it was never going to happen and you whip out the victim card, seek sympathy from the interweb, and lament about how she took your money and gave you nothing in return.

I apologize if my posts came off as "whiny", that is not what they were intended to reflect.

 

[Kahreek]

go like this: "Hey girl i love you and all, i dont know if this is mutual, i think we should depart, for us my love will do nothing but harm!"

 

[yggdrasila]

Yoo....you bought her **** and you aren't her boyfriend??? Stop that unless you've had a long and meaningful friendship of mutual giving that's a sucker move.

I think you can be a nice guy to girls and still get girls. Just don't be an overly nice guy as in easy to step over and not assertive. Asserting yourself doesn't have to be *******ry. Like a girl, talk to her, test the waters as soon as you're comfortable, if it doesn't work out friendzone her or move on.

Anyway from now on just remember if you like a girl you don't owe her anything more than dinner, hell I pay for my own dinner most the time but a lot of girls expect that I guess whatever. Anyway don't be a Nice Guy just be ...yourself...but more assertive. Anyway you sound like a bit of a nerd, I'm not being mean we're on SDN after all, but don't just put all your time and effort into school, live a little, if you don't go to a commuter school where the average age is like 40 there should be plenty of girls to talk to. Chat up some girls in the biochem major or something, find someone that'll understand your jokes it's not that hard.

 

[RuralPhysician8]

Yoo....you bought her **** and you aren't her boyfriend??? Stop that unless you've had a long and meaningful friendship of mutual giving that's a sucker move.

I think you can be a nice guy to girls and still get girls. Just don't be an overly nice guy as in easy to step over and not assertive. Asserting yourself doesn't have to be *******ry. Like a girl, talk to her, test the waters as soon as you're comfortable, if it doesn't work out friendzone her or move on.

Anyway from now on just remember if you like a girl you don't owe her anything more than dinner, hell I pay for my own dinner most the time but a lot of girls expect that I guess whatever. Anyway don't be a Nice Guy just be ...yourself...but more assertive. Anyway you sound like a bit of a nerd, I'm not being mean we're on SDN after all, but don't just put all your time and effort into school, live a little, if you don't go to a commuter school where the average age is like 40 there should be plenty of girls to talk to. Chat up some girls in the biochem major or something, find someone that'll understand your jokes it's not that hard.

The assertiveness was probably a key issue, the only times I have been aggressive was when I worked in a "rough" neighborhood. I am just neutral about a lot of things. I talk to girls at college, some have started to flirt with me a bit (no I am not buying anyone lunch); however, I am still pretty heart sick and I am not even considering dating...so far she was the only girl I actually had a genuine desire for. It is cool though, it was my fault due to my inadequacy and I have to learn that by putting on a fake smile and getting on with my business.

 

[GUH]

... I have to learn that by putting on a fake smile and getting on with my business.

welcome to the world, dude

 

[TeddyBoomBoom]

All teenage guys should be given a lesson on The Ladder Theory

That is *hilarious* !!!

 

[TeddyBoomBoom]

double post

 

[JoBreeze]

Would you mind sharing what that disorder is? I'm no psychologist, but I'm not sure of a disorder that could do that to you and then leave you capable of becoming a doctor. Even to succeed in academia and certainly as a medical professional you will need some semblance of social ability.

Based on the diagnosis the OP is describing (pretty obvious), the only sound advice in this thread was probably that of the first girl that kept responding.

I'd guess that many posters' assumptions about his motives are incorrect for the same reason.

Hang in there OP, this is called growing up.

 

[VenusinFurs]

I wish self esteem was just an easy thing to cultivate

 

[SouthernSurgeon]

Dude, she put you in the friend-zone because she does not want a relationship. She wants a friend.

Don't fall into the "nice guy" trap of thinking this girl owes you a relationship because you are nice to her. Don't try to guilt her into a relationship by doing all this stuff for her. Do it for her because you are a friend, but please God, not because you're trying to get with her.

She absolutely has the right to have a relationship which whomever she wishes, and she can also choose to be friends with whomever she wishes. She's not a bitch. She's not a bad person. She just doesn't want to be with you in a romantic sense. You can show her all the commitment you want, but if she is not into you, she is not into you. And that is neither her fault nor yours.

I'm perhaps biased because I had a long term (6+ years) male friend who did what I describe above. He was very into me, and I was not although I treated him as a good friend for many years. So many awkward conversations of him expressing his feelings to me. Eventually he became very bitter, accused me of only liking certain types of people, would bother me constantly as to why I couldn't see what a good find he was and how committed he was....please, OP, don't fall into that trap.

As an aside...who gives a flying **** if she likes "bad boys?" That's a type like anything else. Guys have types just as much - the nerdy girl, the bombshell, the pretty nurses, etc. If she likes guys with tats or guys who rides motorcycles, whatever - there's nothing wrong with that. It's only a problem (for her, not you) if these "bad boys" are treating her poorly, something that "good guys" are just as capable of doing.

In closing, OP (as a girl who has been in a similar position to the girl you are describing), she probably initially wanted to get to know you better or at least be your friend. Then afterwards, she decided that although she no longer thought you were relationship material (which is totally within her right - that is what meeting people is all about), she wanted to stay friends. And your confession of feelings put her in a very awkward position and she likely agreed to "give it a chance" because she was afraid of hurting you (yes, immaturity on her part, but she's also ~18). She's likely pulling away on purpose so YOU will be the one to call it off, and therefore not feel as hurt.

Not to necro-bump...but you have some excellent points here.

My fiancee actually went through something very similar. A close friend of hers basically blew up and ended the friendship when she started dating me - because he felt she "owed" him a shot at a relationship when she had no interest in such.

She had, to her credit, and similar to your situation recognized his romantic interest and taken steps to set up appropriate boundaries in their friendship. Which is, I think, a key difference between your scenario and the OP's. It sounds like the object of the OP's desire is fully aware of his interest and is more than willing to take advantage of it. All the more reason I hope that he ran for the hills.

 

[that redhead]

My fiancee actually went through something very similar. A close friend of hers basically blew up and ended the friendship when she started dating me - because he felt she "owed" him a shot at a relationship when she had no interest in such.

Isn't it called something like "nice guy syndrome" where men feel as though they're entitled to at least some dates just because they're nice and don't treat a woman like crap?