White Lies

[Yah-E]

Wanted to know how you feel about "white lies"? I recently found out some relationship history of my current GF and when I asked her about it on numerous occasions, she continued to lie about it. I, then, finally told her that I knew everything, then she proceeded to say that she didn't wanted me to know because she didn't want me to know. She didn't cheat on me or anything like that, it was simply information about her exs.

So my question is:

Is it OK to tell "white lies" when it is for the benefit of the relationship OR it's none of my business?

I've lied before because I wanted to avoid relationship fights and/or potentially hurt my GFs feelings. Do you do the same? I know we've all done this!

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[shala]

So my question is:

Is it OK to tell "white lies" when it is for the benefit of the relationship OR it's none of my business?

I've lied before because I wanted to avoid relationship fights and/or potentially hurt my GFs feelings. Do you do the same? I know we've all done this!

Mmmm...I myself don't lie actually....You got to lie more to keep your first lie, right? That sucks. If i feel not in answering mood, I will say not ready..

 

[tlew12778]

Hm... you know, if I don't want him to know something I just say "I'm not telling you bc it's not that important"... you know... stuff like "what's your number?" or something else that doesn't really matter that much. I agree with the last poster about having to make up more lies to keep up... gets too confusing after a while.

I don't really consider questions and answers like that white lies though. Something like saying "yes" when a kid asks if their dead dog is in heaven now is a white lie... but flatout lieing about your past is just that... a lie. Better to just withhold the information IMO.

 

[Yah-E]

So both of you ladies would simply withhold information. What if your SO finds out the information that you're withholding somehow someway and confronts you about it? What are you going to say?

"Still not talking"
"None of your business"
"Don't know what you're talking about"

My point is that my current GF and I got into this huge argument of I already know something, but she tried to cover it up. The topic of info is irrelevant, but the fact that she's not talking and/or trying to distort the truth is what I was pissed about.

I mean, we're all lovey dovey again because it was a stupid fight, but I'm start to think that we all lie about something at times to avoid conflict(s), don't we?

 

[tlew12778]

Hm, well we don't lie in our relationship (going on 7 years now)... but then again we seem to have an unspoken don't ask, don't tell policy about the past. So it's not like intentionally withholding info, ya'know? It's just not ever talking about it bc it never comes up.

I would never, ever clear out lie about my past. If I were inclined to not answer a question, I would say "why do you want to know? I'll tell if you tell."

In your situation, I think it was kind of wrong to lead her along and not tell her you knew immediately. I am all for directly addressing the issues at hand. By doing it the way you did, you are immediately setting her up on the defensive which can't be good -- leads to arguments and whatnot. Also, not to pick on you, but why are you not getting the info from the source (ie. your GF)? Second hand info is never reliable IMO.

Don't ask about exes... no point really. What are you gaining from the knowledge?

I think a lot of people lie to avoid conflicts but I don't really know how healthy their relationships are.

 

[samenewme]

Yeah, probably we all do lie sometimes to avoid conflict. But it's clear from your other postings that integrity and trust are very important to you. So you just have to be asking yourself why she didn't say, "None of your beeswax" when you asked about her past, and why you felt you had to play the entrapment game with her about it. Were you testing her? If so, did she pass? No judgment on you intended here. Just think about whether you have, or can create, the trust level you clearly want and need in a relationship with this person.

 

[Yah-E]

In your situation, I think it was kind of wrong to lead her along and not tell her you knew immediately. I am all for directly addressing the issues at hand. By doing it the way you did, you are immediately setting her up on the defensive which can't be good -- leads to arguments and whatnot. Also, not to pick on you, but why are you not getting the info from the source (ie. your GF)? Second hand info is never reliable IMO.

Don't ask about exes... no point really. What are you gaining from the knowledge?

I think a lot of people lie to avoid conflicts but I don't really know how healthy their relationships are.

You're right, it wasn't right for me to set my GF up like the way I did. BTW, my GF and I have great communication and I did get the info from the source (ie my GF). I simply like to know what others think? Isn't that what public forums are for? Not get advice, but to see what others are experiencing.

The whole ex thing, I don't mind talking about it. Sure it suck to know the details, but I'm more of a "better know than not know". Of course as long as knowing will not affect the relationship, right? I strongly believe there are gains from knowing about your current SO's past relationships. You would learn why their previous relationships didn't work out therefore to avoid similar scenarios and circumstances. The list can go on and on!

It's really nice to view other women's perspectives. Mucha gracious!

 

[Lab Diva]

These past relationships really have nothing to do with "your" relationship.

Enjoy and focus on what you have now. You have a great GF and the bringing up the past is only going to guarantee an argument!

 

[shala]

Of course as long as knowing will not affect the relationship, right? It's really nice to view other women's perspectives. Mucha gracious!

"Of course as long as knowing will not affect the relationship, right?"--I highly doubt it.

Trying to dig into the past of both side will affect the relationship, at least from my experience. life is short and the relationship always is not that strong as we expected.. esp in the first stage of relationship..SO I wouldn't risk it by means which I can avoid in the first sense.

 

[TeeLee]

I've lied before because I wanted to avoid relationship fights and/or potentially hurt my GFs feelings. Do you do the same? I know we've all done this![/QUOTE]


I think that you have answered your own question.
You have set your own rules for you and you should follow them for her.
I have learned in the last 13 years of marriage that I can't expect something from my husband that I am not willing to give in return.

 

[GeneGoddess]

I have learned in the last 13 years of marriage that I can't expect something from my husband that I am not willing to give in return.

Another old married lady chiming in: TeeLee is right.