Significant Others--how to deal?

I need help/advice/feedback/anecdotal experiences from ANYONE on this one.

Has anyone found a way to explain to their significant other why this whole thing takes so much time between attending lecture, having labs in addition to those lectures, having to commit time to things like study groups, reviews, extracurriculars (right now for me, my only extracurricular is working in a neuroscience research lab)?? I'm constantly having to turn down social events because of school (and it really feels like every single concert and party is on the weekend before a huge test).

The specifics of my situation:
I actually live with my significant other (we've been together 4 years, he works as a graphic designer), and you think that would somehow ease the situation BUT not so much. There's consistent discord over the hours I invest in school and anything school related. Admittedly, he can be pretty needy, and he tends to take the fact that school has to be a priority right now pretty personally. I've made steps like keeping a ginormous dry erase calendar in our kitchen with all my class times, appointments, lab hours, and deadlines so he's at least aware of when I might or might not have free time and my other hope was to literally show him my workload so it could help set his expectations.
I try to spend the free time I do have with him and I'll do things like stay up later than I should to spend time with him and I've even blown off crucial study time for the same reason. I also try to leave him little notes and send him texts to let him know I love him and I'm thinking of him. I definitely thank him for doing things like cooking dinner for me. Yet, when I can't go to a concert on a Monday night because I have lab it turns into a huge ordeal about how he feels like he's single and that I don't really value him etc etc.
He does say that he understands, but obviously there's a disconnect and it would appear that he only understands my situation intellectually. He still gets upset if I'm home late (as in what he considers late, probably starting at 8:30pm). He's been known to call me while I'm studying at school and lecture me about not coming home "on time". He gets upset when I'm at home studying and I'm up past 11:30pm-12am. It gets really frustrating. There's a lot of pouting and guiIt tripping which often bloom into full on fights. All of this consumes time that could spent much more productively whether I'm using it to study or we're spending quality time together.
I 'm 32 years old (as is he) and I finally have the opportunity to finish my undergrad and pursue this ginormous dream that I have, and I love him and we've talked about marriage more than once but this **** is killing me and my GPA.

Any suggestions, feedback, advice, ridicule???

I work full time as an engineer and have been chasing two classes a semester for the last 2 years. I am married with 3 kids. My advice to you is to study early in the morning, and use the time between your classes to study. Try to leave nothing for the evening except around the exam times, which he should understand. I suggest that you forget the study groups. I think for people in our situation they are waste of time. Doing these things not only will make him happier, his happiness will have a huge impact on your grades and motivation. We do not know how much time we waste until we seriously go after them and see the benefits of doing so. Good luck.

Try telling him it is just going to get worse in medical school with a whole lot more pressure and then even worse in residency - he might as well get used to it now. Hmm, I guess that's probably not going to help. Maybe try finding him websites or books or blogs that detail the life of a significant other of a med student. While you're not in med school yet, maybe it'll help him get the idea.
I also agree about the study groups - they are not always the most efficient method of studying as too much time gets wasted.

alethiologist said:

I need help/advice/feedback/anecdotal experiences from ANYONE on this one.

Has anyone found a way to explain to their significant other why this whole thing takes so much time between attending lecture, having labs in addition to those lectures, having to commit time to things like study groups, reviews, extracurriculars (right now for me, my only extracurricular is working in a neuroscience research lab)?? I'm constantly having to turn down social events because of school (and it really feels like every single concert and party is on the weekend before a huge test).

The specifics of my situation:
I actually live with my significant other (we've been together 4 years, he works as a graphic designer), and you think that would somehow ease the situation BUT not so much. There's consistent discord over the hours I invest in school and anything school related. Admittedly, he can be pretty needy, and he tends to take the fact that school has to be a priority right now pretty personally. I've made steps like keeping a ginormous dry erase calendar in our kitchen with all my class times, appointments, lab hours, and deadlines so he's at least aware of when I might or might not have free time and my other hope was to literally show him my workload so it could help set his expectations.
I try to spend the free time I do have with him and I'll do things like stay up later than I should to spend time with him and I've even blown off crucial study time for the same reason. I also try to leave him little notes and send him texts to let him know I love him and I'm thinking of him. I definitely thank him for doing things like cooking dinner for me. Yet, when I can't go to a concert on a Monday night because I have lab it turns into a huge ordeal about how he feels like he's single and that I don't really value him etc etc.
He does say that he understands, but obviously there's a disconnect and it would appear that he only understands my situation intellectually. He still gets upset if I'm home late (as in what he considers late, probably starting at 8:30pm). He's been known to call me while I'm studying at school and lecture me about not coming home "on time". He gets upset when I'm at home studying and I'm up past 11:30pm-12am. It gets really frustrating. There's a lot of pouting and guiIt tripping which often bloom into full on fights. All of this consumes time that could spent much more productively whether I'm using it to study or we're spending quality time together.
I 'm 32 years old (as is he) and I finally have the opportunity to finish my undergrad and pursue this ginormous dream that I have, and I love him and we've talked about marriage more than once but this **** is killing me and my GPA.

Any suggestions, feedback, advice, ridicule???

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I met my wife when I was finishing up my post bac pre reqs. When things started to get serious, I independently decided not to apply because I didn't think I could enter med school and have a family. She had never asked me to do that or hinted that she didn't want me to be a doctor, that it wouldn't work, or anything like that.

When our son was born, and both he and my wife ended up in the hospital, the entire ordeal convinced me that I couldn't just walk away from wanting to enter medicine, and talking to residents in the hospital convinced my wife to encourage me to apply and go for it. I retook the MCAT while my son was still in the NICU, applied last cycle, and started med school in August. My wife was concerned about how much time I would need for studying, etc., but it has not been bad so far (obviously year three will be another story) as I end up spending only a few hours more now on school per week than I spent outside the home when I was working full time. Right now, my wife is more frustrated with her job's demands on her time (she is a teacher) than any of the demands on my time.

The point is, if you are having these types of fights already, over UNDERGRAD time commitments, there is a problem, especially since it doesn't sound like you are working full time right now in addition to your school. If you have tried over and over to explain what you need to do to succeed, and he keeps reacting the same way, you are probably down to a few choices.

First, you could abandon everything related to schooling for yourself to keep him happy.

Second, you could choose to give him an ultimatum if he doesn't stop it, and leave him if things don't change.

Third, you could just accept that he will be a **** about how much time everything will take, and let it go, standing firm about what you need to do but simply not fighting with him when he complains.

Fourth, if you can't just let it go, and you are not willing to walk away from either him or medicine, your only real choice is to insist things need to change and go to counseling when they don't.

Being an actual med student is going to be a LOT more demanding on your time than undergrad. Sounds like you need to get things fixed now, especially if your GPA is being impacted. You need to decide whether your relationship or your goal of being a doctor is more important, as dealing with this during med school is a quick path to burning, or failing, out. Good luck, no one can tell you what the right choice or path is but you.

The thoughts below were essentially my thoughts. The undergrad pre-med commitments are nothing in the face of how much time you'll spend in medical school, doing clinical rotations, INTERN YEAR (my gf is currently doing her internship in general surgery... haven't seen her in weeks and when I do she's normally completely and utterly exhausted) and residency in general.

It's ALL hell if you don't have an understanding partner by your side (although, my gf had way more free time in med school than she does now as an intern). I knew what I was getting into when my gf and I started dating (she was in the process of applying to med school). I had a lot of friends that went to med school so knew how tough it would be have a normal relationship, but figured somethings are worth it.

I'd say that if you are starting to have problems with your relationship while taking undergrad classes and ECs than re-assess your relationship (it's not going to get easier). Make sure your partner is supportive and understanding. I think that's the reason my relationship has lasted as long as it did (with even a distance component thrown in).

theseeker4 said:

The point is, if you are having these types of fights already, over UNDERGRAD time commitments, there is a problem, especially since it doesn't sound like you are working full time right now in addition to your school.

Being an actual med student is going to be a LOT more demanding on your time than undergrad. Sounds like you need to get things fixed now, especially if your GPA is being impacted. You need to decide whether your relationship or your goal of being a doctor is more important, as dealing with this during med school is a quick path to burning, or failing, out. Good luck, no one can tell you what the right choice or path is but you.

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Reading your post gives me flashbacks of my own life ten years ago. I went through all the same song and dance with my ex-husband, and I wouldn't have ever dreamt of trying to go to medical school while we were still together. It's not that he didn't want to be supportive per se. It's just that he wanted to come first all the time. That's not a realistic expectation of a graduate student, and it definitely would not have been a realistic expectation of a medical student, where my time was much less flexible than it was in grad school. We won't even get into the lack of flexibility for resident schedules.

I've got to agree with the others that the way things are going right now is a short road to disaster, either for your schooling, your relationship, or both. Seems to me that you're looking for a way to have your cake and eat it too in a scenario where this is unlikely to be possible. I guess the question I'd ask you is, are you going to marry this guy or not? You've been together for four years now, and you've discussed marriage already. So, what's the final decision? If you aren't going to marry him, I'd seriously consider cutting him loose so that he can find a girl who will put him first, and you can find a guy who will be more self-sufficient. If you do want to marry him, then I'd seriously consider giving up medical school to do something that requires less investment of time so that you can be there for him.

Like theseeker said, no one can figure out the right answer but you. It's easy for strangers like us to tell you, "go for your dream, even if it means losing your relationship of four years," or, "forget med school so that it doesn't tear apart your relationship." Either way, this is going to be a painful and difficult decision. I wish you the best of luck.

There seems like there should be a way for you to have your cake and eat it too (but it seems almost impossible in this case... maybe a very, very tiny bit of hope that involves a long talk to explain what you're in for). I'm sure you've already talked and in all likelihood this isn't going to get better, but here is alternate suggestion. I'd suggest watching Doctor's Diaries with your significant other and talking about some of the challenges (It's a Nova documentary... spoiler alter: a lot of the relationships fall apart). Again, this isn't really an ideal long-term solution, but at least it'll make the process of setting priorities easier (and demonstrate what a relationship in medicine is like).

The road is not going to get any easier, but your partner may just not understand the extent of the commitment you need to make. If he says he's not willing to put up with that, you have the choices below by Q

I have parents that didn't live their dreams career-wise (neither attended college) so I'd never have asked my gf to give up hers. She has been supportive of my pre-med process (I wasn't pre-med when we starting dating). But we both know and understand the process (her intern year has been very challenging still). I figure your partner may not be quite as familiar with it (if he is and he's acting this way and it's your dream then cut your loses and move on when you feel it's the right time for you to do so).

QofQuimica said:

Like theseeker said, no one can figure out the right answer but you. It's easy for strangers like us to tell you, "go for your dream, even if it means losing your relationship of four years," or, "forget med school so that it doesn't tear apart your relationship." Either way, this is going to be a painful and difficult decision. I wish you the best of luck.

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QofQuimica said:

Reading your post gives me flashbacks of my own life ten years ago. I went through all the same song and dance with my ex-husband, and I wouldn't have ever dreamt of trying to go to medical school while we were still together. It's not that he didn't want to be supportive per se. It's just that he wanted to come first all the time. That's not a realistic expectation of a graduate student, and it definitely would not have been a realistic expectation of a medical student, where my time was much less flexible than it was in grad school. We won't even get into the lack of flexibility for resident schedules.

I've got to agree with the others that the way things are going right now is a short road to disaster, either for your schooling, your relationship, or both. Seems to me that you're looking for a way to have your cake and eat it too in a scenario where this is unlikely to be possible. I guess the question I'd ask you is, are you going to marry this guy or not? You've been together for four years now, and you've discussed marriage already. So, what's the final decision? If you aren't going to marry him, I'd seriously consider cutting him loose so that he can find a girl who will put him first, and you can find a guy who will be more self-sufficient. If you do want to marry him, then I'd seriously consider giving up medical school to do something that requires less investment of time so that you can be there for him.

Like theseeker said, no one can figure out the right answer but you. It's easy for strangers like us to tell you, "go for your dream, even if it means losing your relationship of four years," or, "forget med school so that it doesn't tear apart your relationship." Either way, this is going to be a painful and difficult decision. I wish you the best of luck.

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This. All of this.. except 6 years ago, ex-bf, and I'm just a wee lil first year. 😛

Good luck to you, OP.

QofQuimica said:

Reading your post gives me flashbacks of my own life ten years ago. I went through all the same song and dance with my ex-husband, and I wouldn't have ever dreamt of trying to go to medical school while we were still together. It's not that he didn't want to be supportive per se. It's just that he wanted to come first all the time. That's not a realistic expectation of a graduate student, and it definitely would not have been a realistic expectation of a medical student, where my time was much less flexible than it was in grad school. We won't even get into the lack of flexibility for resident schedules.

I've got to agree with the others that the way things are going right now is a short road to disaster, either for your schooling, your relationship, or both. Seems to me that you're looking for a way to have your cake and eat it too in a scenario where this is unlikely to be possible. I guess the question I'd ask you is, are you going to marry this guy or not? You've been together for four years now, and you've discussed marriage already. So, what's the final decision? If you aren't going to marry him, I'd seriously consider cutting him loose so that he can find a girl who will put him first, and you can find a guy who will be more self-sufficient. If you do want to marry him, then I'd seriously consider giving up medical school to do something that requires less investment of time so that you can be there for him.

Like theseeker said, no one can figure out the right answer but you. It's easy for strangers like us to tell you, "go for your dream, even if it means losing your relationship of four years," or, "forget med school so that it doesn't tear apart your relationship." Either way, this is going to be a painful and difficult decision. I wish you the best of luck.

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I agree with all of this too. OP, I know how you feel. While I didn't live with my (ex) SO of three years when were dating in undergrad, he acted this way and always gave me a hard time for working so hard to do well. Now that I look back, he was completely out of line, he was not understanding of my situation, and I should have let him go a long time beforehand. It would have made me a lot happier, and when I look back, I have a lot of regret. However, it's also helped me to know what I expect in an SO in the future.

That being said, no one but yourself can decide what's best for you. You and your boyfriend might be able to work it out, or you might not be able to. Regardless, I agree with everyone above that you need to figure that out sooner or later so that you don't continue to sacrifice your happiness and sanity.

I am going to have to disagree with everyone. Sorry guys. I am a father of 3, a husband, a med student, very active in clubs, student government, volunteering, etc. and I still have plenty of time to be a great father and husband. Granted, my wife understands that she isn't ALWAYS my first priority, but sometimes she is. I eat dinner with my family every night (minus a random day before a test) and play around on the weekends.

It is easy to get consumed with your studying because you have this all important goal, but sometimes you need to shut the books. Generally, it doesn't matter what huge test I have coming up, 5-8pm is my family time. I don't see if you said whether or not you are working, but if not, you should have PLENTY of time. I worked 70 hours per week while taking 21 credits and still hung out with my wife and kids.

Sorry to go against the grain but it is really easy to say "sorry, I have to study all night at the library" and that is complete crap. And if you are actually studying that much while taking 16ish hours and you are just keeping up, find something else to do because you will never be able to keep up in med school.

Figure out a way to study more efficiently and you will have plenty of time.

FrkyBgStok said:

I am going to have to disagree with everyone. Sorry guys. I am a father of 3, a husband, a med student, very active in clubs, student government, volunteering, etc. and I still have plenty of time to be a great father and husband. Granted, my wife understands that she isn't ALWAYS my first priority, but sometimes she is. I eat dinner with my family every night (minus a random day before a test) and play around on the weekends.

It is easy to get consumed with your studying because you have this all important goal, but sometimes you need to shut the books. Generally, it doesn't matter what huge test I have coming up, 5-8pm is my family time. I don't see if you said whether or not you are working, but if not, you should have PLENTY of time. I worked 70 hours per week while taking 21 credits and still hung out with my wife and kids.

Sorry to go against the grain but it is really easy to say "sorry, I have to study all night at the library" and that is complete crap. And if you are actually studying that much while taking 16ish hours and you are just keeping up, find something else to do because you will never be able to keep up in med school.

Figure out a way to study more efficiently and you will have plenty of time.

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Everyone learns differently.

FrkyBgStok said:

I am going to have to disagree with everyone. Sorry guys. I am a father of 3, a husband, a med student, very active in clubs, student government, volunteering, etc. and I still have plenty of time to be a great father and husband. Granted, my wife understands that she isn't ALWAYS my first priority, but sometimes she is. I eat dinner with my family every night (minus a random day before a test) and play around on the weekends.

It is easy to get consumed with your studying because you have this all important goal, but sometimes you need to shut the books. Generally, it doesn't matter what huge test I have coming up, 5-8pm is my family time. I don't see if you said whether or not you are working, but if not, you should have PLENTY of time. I worked 70 hours per week while taking 21 credits and still hung out with my wife and kids.

Sorry to go against the grain but it is really easy to say "sorry, I have to study all night at the library" and that is complete crap. And if you are actually studying that much while taking 16ish hours and you are just keeping up, find something else to do because you will never be able to keep up in med school.

Figure out a way to study more efficiently and you will have plenty of time.

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Plus you had time to post about 4K messages and probably reading thousands of posts 😉 I have three children as well. I tried saying similar stuff above without bashing the lady 😎

gyngyn said:

Everyone learns differently.

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True. I always thought group study slowed me down. I did it couple times when I was in college and gave up on it. People tend to waste lots of time in between classes and in the morning. If one has commitments such as husband, children etc. I think the individual has to master time management to the fullest extent possible to protect his/her commitments. After all, nothing is more important than my children and family other than God (from a believer perspective)

I'm mostly on the same page with FrkyBgStok, but I can only speak from an undergrad perspective since I'm not in med school yet. There's always time for family, you just need to change up how you're currently doing things.

I read a book once that talked about how love is expressed in five different ways (Quality Time, Acts of Service, Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, and Receiving Gifts. We tend to express love in the ways we want it, and not always in the ways others need it. You're trying to express love in ways that make sense to you, but that may not click for him. My wife and I fall under different groups. I'm Acts of Service and she's Quality Time. Things were bumpy until I figured this out. If he's a Quality Time type person, then you go out with him on occasion, because that's what he needs. And when you're with him, be with him. It's not your time to gripe or just rest; it's your time focus on him (and him on you).

Admittedly, he can be pretty needy, and he tends to take the fact that school has to be a priority right now pretty personally.

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I think going to med school in this relationship would be setting yourself up for failure -- more than likely one will give when it comes right down to it. I think you'd be better off choosing one (either med school or this relationship).

Honestly, having been a frequent member of the dysfunctional relationship club I can say that no matter what you pursue there are going to be problems. He is always going to have an excuse as to why you don't live up to his standards as a girlfriend, because trust me school is something ANY Loving, Supportive PARTNER would encourage. So if he has issues with this, just think of all the other things he will take issues with once you make the mistake of quitting school for him. Because goodness then you have all this free time, and where were you, and with whom....it will only get worse. I say this, from seeing and being party to these type of destructive relationships you aren't going to win here. Go with your passion and find someone who loves you for being a hard-working strong, independent person! I know it's hard, but I wouldn't be giving such controvrersial advice if I hadn't seen it more times than is reasonable or necessary for 10 lifetimes, nevermind just one. Good luck to you!

unfortunately, i think this is why many in the medical field end up marrying those in the medical field or end up divorced (not saying that something like this will happen to you!)

i know too many docs whose significant others don't understand the time commitment for med school, residency and even being an attending.. and they have gotten divorced/separated/broke up, etc. For example a friend of mine is a PA-C and she worked in the ED, working the overnight shift 11p-7a and he was in business so had no clue what her job was like and really made no effort to understand. it was always that she did not have enough time for him and he was always so needy, they ended up breaking it off since it was also long distance.

i think it is very difficult to have someone who is not in medicine to understand the time commitment. medicine is your husband/wife and the significant other must come second and that is hard for some people to grasp.

luckily i am a pre-med, applying for this round (interview coming up next month) with a boyfriend who is a surgical resident in his 5th year so he completely understands what i might be going through in the next several years and because i also currently work in the same hospital in the ED as a scribe, we understand each others hours and try to plan out time ahead of time when we will both have off and can spend the entire day together at least once a month.

like someone said above, i think you have different love languages as well.. he is likely quality time which will be hard to fulfill with your studying requirements. perhaps counseling could help if you both want this to work out? someone who can see both sides and maybe bridge that gap between each side of the story and try to create a plan for both of you to spend time together so that it works out in the future.

lots of luck.

My relationship w/ my GF has gone thru significant stresses in every facet of the med school journey. She actually pushed me to keep pursuing this dream of mine, even after I felt depressively defeated after not getting of LECOM's waitlist a couple years ago. She was instrumental to me being an MS3 now. Cuz w/o her, I would have just sulked back to my previous career.

Fast forward. Our relationship took on a new form of ME = busy MS1, her applicant to med school. It was fairly good. I couldn't commit any major time to her while studying, however I always "banked" my time. So we could go out for a whole weekend after a major exam. And that worked. I was a "ghost" during the week, and every once in awhile we'd have a lovefest/quality time. Intermittently. She understands the importance of what I do and what it means to me.

If your sig other can't see that, HONESTLY, dump him. It's going to be SO BAD in med school!!! You can't fathom how bad it is until you get there. And any type of "negative energy" is draining. And to anyone reading this, if you are an MS1, just wait til MS2! Our relationship didn't make it. And so many other of my peers too. MS2 is the "bachelor(ette) maker" by far.

We are trying to work it out now that I am an MS3, but it's not shaping up that well at this moment.

The previous post is also right. The reason why so many of my classmates end up in relationships w/ fellow classmates is because ONLY med students understand what all of this means. Time commitment wise. Stress-wise. I know some people who were dating nurses. And the nurses always minimized our study habits. "I was in nursing school, I know what studying is like. And it doesn't take up that much time" was a typical retort. It does! And the patronizing was the end of all of those relationships.

Good luck w/ whatever you do tho.

Be very careful how you take the advice on this forum. I think everyone who has posted will agree that only YOU know what the real situation is. If this is a serious relationship its not something you should take lightly. This could end up really bad if you make a decision based on the opinions of people who dont really know what is going on.

That being said let me tell you about my situation and let you take from it what you will. I am married with one little girl, and a boy on the way. I am not a smart person. I have to work my butt off in every class or I simply wont cut my grades. It sounds like you have a similar personality. Every A is never "easy " for us unless the teacher gives out excessive amounts of extra credit. I have had many nights of staying up till 12 or 1 am studying for tests because I came home and my wife wanted me to have dinner, wash the dishes because she has been home doing them all day, take care of our baby for at least 30 mins and go on dates on the weekend. We have had so many arguments about my time organization and priorities (or lack thereof I am not the best at planning) that I cant count them. We have yelled, been silent for hours but we have never rethought our commitment to each other AND THIS IS WHY:

Both of us know I would drop med school in a heartbeat if our relationship was truly in danger.
The reason we can keep making up and loving each other is because we are totally committed to each other. I know it seems counter-intuitive but the reason we can keep going on my path as a premed to medical school is because we both know I would readily give it up if our relationship was in danger. Let me say that again the reason we can make it too med school and through med school is because both of us know I would give up med school for my family... period.

You have to decide whether you are truly committed in the same way. When I say that I mean it in terms of your relationship, and for medical school itself. The truth is relationships are hard. They are supposed to be, you are taking two completely separate individuals who have different thoughts, different feelings, and different needs and mashing them together. No matter how much people tell you you need to find that "one person" that is perfect for you they dont exist. Relationships are most meaningful when we work together as partners to learn to understand another individual completely. That means we have to sacrifice. For me that sacrifice is not being a straight "A" student. Its not the end of the world for your grades to suffer a little for love. In fact it is a much better investment than med school will ever be, no matter how big your dream of becoming a doctor is.

Medical school will be hard. But if this guy's only fault is that he loves you so much that he wants to be with you more than you are able to be with him than you owe it to him and yourself to stick this relationship out as best as you can. Work together to determine how much time you are able to spend together. Dont be afraid to give in more than you feel you can now and again, and be reassured that every relationship has bumps like this. Dont give up on a relationship unless there is obvious and unresolvable incompatibility issues (I say unresolvable because every relationship and marriage has some incompatibility). If that is the case with this guy than yes, end the relationship now before you move to a more serious commitment of marriage. Once you are married be fiercely loyal to each other and never end marriage unless there is true emotional or physical abuse. Its just not worth it.
Best of luck, I am rooting for you!

My $0.02

sterlingh87 said:

You have to decide whether you are truly committed in the same way. When I say that I mean it in terms of your relationship, and for medical school itself. The truth is relationships are hard. They are supposed to be, you are taking two completely separate individuals who have different thoughts, different feelings, and different needs and mashing them together. No matter how much people tell you you need to find that "one person" that is perfect for you they dont exist. Relationships are most meaningful when we work together as partners to learn to understand another individual completely. That means we have to sacrifice. For me that sacrifice is not being a straight "A" student. Its not the end of the world for your grades to suffer a little for love. In fact it is a much better investment than med school will ever be, no matter how big your dream of becoming a doctor is.

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I think that, whatever you choose, that you pick one, stick with it, and have no regrets about it. I've seen people already get incredibly frustrated, anxious, and frazzled trying to aim high, grades-wise AND maintain a solid amount of SO/social time.

Alethiologist-
We have multiple parallels. My husband is a graphic designer, I'm a 4th yr med student, and we're in our mid-30s. He is at a breaking point with my schedule. I have tried the big kitchen calendar trick. Texting throughout the day to show him I'm there and not making time promises that I cannot keep.
The first years of med school are an adjustment, but easier because you can control your schedule mostly. I was also one of those people who chose family over high marks. Clinical years are tough because you loose control of your schedule and you are at the bottom of the chain-- picking up schedules that nobody wants. You work nights, then weekends, followed by holidays. Time goes faster for me because I feel fulfilled by clinical work, but it is really rough on the family and the arguments over my schedule are only multiplying. I came home the other night after back to back 15 hr days to someone angry at me. Its rough. I understand it is all because he just wants his wife with him and is concerned about his children not seeing their mother, but I'm too deep in this career to change it. I love medicine and I love my husband, but something has got to give and medicine is not forgiving (at least through residency). Maybe your boyfriend can confide in others that find themselves in the same circumstances? That is my next step towards possible resolve with my husband at least. The other is to invite him to the library/workplace for a coffee break. Another tip I plan on trying myself.

You need 100% support from your SO. He needs to understand you can't be there 24/7 and you have a dream. It sounds like you need to have a serious talk about things because even if he says he understand, his actions don't say it (to me at least). Im not going to tell you to break up with him but if he can't become supportive and understanding it might lead to that because you will probably get tired of the endless whining and bitching.

Zelia said:

Maybe it would help to have a really frank discussion about your time commitments and what him being a supportive partner would actually look like - for example, the two of you deciding to hang out at specific times, and him needing to be flexible about the other times.

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I agree with the above. You need to sit down and have a conversation with him about how much of a commitment your ambitions require, and ask yourself how important this is to you.

Honestly, it sounds like his issues are a burden on your psyche, and that type of baggage could compromise your entire goal set. So it may come down to whats more important to you, your career goals, or your relationship. I think it's possible to keep both, but that really depends on how your significant other will react, and whether he's willing to make necessary sacrifices on your behalf.

If it's your dream to pursue a career in medicine, do you want anything that can potentially stand in your way? If you decide not to pursue medicine and make your relationship a priority, will you regret it 10 years from now? And if so, what kind of emotional baggage is that going to put on your relationship?

You both need to be realistic about what you expect from a relationship. There's nothing wrong with pulling the plug on it if you have different needs, as you aren't married yet. But if you are discussing marriage, this needs to be addressed before then.

Help this helps.

Wow! Its such a relief to know that I'm not the only one going through relationship problems and trying to pursue a dream where the cards are stacked against me.

I was a C student in my undergrad work so I decided to go to grad school to boost my GPA and get a handle on my ADD so that I could apply to pharmacy school (my dream). The hubby and I got married two weeks into my MS program in biochemistry which we probably shouldn't have done looking back. Anyway my hubby has just recently told me that he really doesn't understand how stressful my life is and this was during my last semester taking classes (after two yrs of this). Its not that he isn't smart or can't figure out that what I'm doing now will benefit our family later or that he's not loving or that he doesn't want me to succeed. The hubby is an engineer (EE) so he knows that it takes a lot of time and effort to do well in class, but its just that he can't relate because he hasn't been doing the same things that I have. He also doesn't know what its like to pursue a dream this hard.

I personally think that I do have the best hubby in the world b/c he has tutored me in calculus, cooks food all the time b/c he knows that I don't have time to eat much less cook, and he even helps with the cleaning around the apt (although I can still clean better than him). But with all that said, that still might not be enough to save our relationship.

My advice to you now is to go get help from someone (a counselor or a pastor). I wish that my hubby and I would have sought counselling when we were dating and having problems. Now that we are married and having these same problem it makes it sooooo much harder. We have been seeing a counselor for like a year now but with counselling its a slow process. What has help the hubby relate a little bit is seeing a counselor on his own. He has told me that going to talk to someone about his frustrations about us has helped. This way I don't hear about it and don't get offended about his feelings and he still gets to release them and not feel guilty about it.

I feel for ya girl & just know that you're not the only one going through this. I hope that everything works out for the best and I'll be praying for you!