First draft of pharmacy essay

jazzjazz

New Member
10+ Year Member
Joined
Jul 14, 2013
Messages
10
Reaction score
1
Points
4,531
Location
Pennsylvania
  1. Non-Student
Advertisement - Members don't see this ad
I'm trying to get into pharmacy programs like USP and Wilkes University. My test scores aren't stellar (25 on ACT, 1680 SAT) but I shadowed 2 pharmacists (1 at an independent pharmacy and one at Thomas Jefferson Univ Hospital) so I'm hoping that will improve my chances. I wrote my 1st draft of the essay and I was hoping to get some feedback. Here it is:

A pharmacy has never been a strange place for me. Contact with germs is inevitable. So it is no surprise that over the years, I have gotten sick and had to pay a visit to my local Kmart or Rite-Aid to pick up a prescription. Although I have visited them many times, I’ve always wondered how pharmacies looked on the inside. This summer, I had the chance to venture into uncharted territory: the other side of the pharmacy counter.
My first experience behind the pharmacy counter was at my grandmother’s long-time pharmacy. At first, I watched the pharmacist do a lot of filling and checking prescriptions. But, I soon learned that working in a community retail pharmacy is much more that counting by fives. I learned that this type of career takes a lot of patience. That there will be customers, many customers that will interrupt your work to ask questions about their prescriptions or need assistance in finding over-the-counter drugs. Above all, I learned that at the end of the day, all the questions and consultations were worth it because each and every day, the pharmacist was helping a person improve their quality of life.
My shadowing experience at Thompson’s Pharmacy was an amazing opportunity that solidified my decision to become a pharmacist. I cannot see myself doing anything else. I want to be that person who has the knowledge and capability of granting people the most valuable gift of all in life: health.

what do you think? Is it a good start? Should I throw it out and start all over again? How can I improve it? Thanks for all the help.
 
I'm trying to get into pharmacy programs like USP and Wilkes University. My test scores aren't stellar (25 on ACT, 1680 SAT) but I shadowed 2 pharmacists (1 at an independent pharmacy and one at Thomas Jefferson Univ Hospital) so I'm hoping that will improve my chances. I wrote my 1st draft of the essay and I was hoping to get some feedback. Here it is:

A pharmacy has never been a strange place for me. Contact with germs is inevitable. So it is no surprise that over the years, I have gotten sick and had to pay a visit to my local Kmart or Rite-Aid to pick up a prescription. Although I have visited them many times, I’ve always wondered how pharmacies looked on the inside. This summer, I had the chance to venture into uncharted territory: the other side of the pharmacy counter.
My first experience behind the pharmacy counter was at my grandmother’s long-time pharmacy. At first, I watched the pharmacist do a lot of filling and checking prescriptions. But, I soon learned that working in a community retail pharmacy is much more that counting by fives. I learned that this type of career takes a lot of patience. That there will be customers, many customers that will interrupt your work to ask questions about their prescriptions or need assistance in finding over-the-counter drugs. Above all, I learned that at the end of the day, all the questions and consultations were worth it because each and every day, the pharmacist was helping a person improve their quality of life.
My shadowing experience at Thompson’s Pharmacy was an amazing opportunity that solidified my decision to become a pharmacist. I cannot see myself doing anything else. I want to be that person who has the knowledge and capability of granting people the most valuable gift of all in life: health.

what do you think? Is it a good start? Should I throw it out and start all over again? How can I improve it? Thanks for all the help.

For a beginning, yes. Where are you taking it?
 
I think you have something good going for you with this draft. It needs some grammatical corrections, but those can come later. It would help if you post the prompt for the essay, and I agree with the poster above me. You might want to go into more detail about the health aspect of pharmacy.
 
For a beginning, yes. Where are you taking it?

Thanks and I can use 250 words so I'm not sure where to do with it.

I think you have something good going for you with this draft. It needs some grammatical corrections, but those can come later. It would help if you post the prompt for the essay, and I agree with the poster above me. You might want to go into more detail about the health aspect of pharmacy.

Thank you and there is no prompt. On the Usciences website it says: "Applicants should submit either a previously graded essay of 250 words or a 250 word essay on a topic of your choosing."
 
A pharmacy has never been a strange place for me. Contact with germs is inevitable. So it is no surprise that over the years, I have gotten sick and had to pay a visit to my local Kmart or Rite-Aid pharmacist to pick up a prescription. Although I have visited them many times, I’ve always wondered how pharmacies looked on the inside. This summer, I had the chance to venture into uncharted territory: the other side of the pharmacy counter.
My first experience behind the pharmacy counter was at my grandmother’s long-time pharmacy. At first, I watched the pharmacist do a lot of filling and checking prescriptions. But, Soon, however, I soon learned that working in a community retail pharmacy is much more that than counting by fives. I learned that this type of career takes a lot of patience. There will be customers, many customers that will interrupt your work to ask questions about their prescriptions or need assistance in finding over-the-counter drugs. Above all, I learned that at the end of the day, all the questions and consultations were worth it because each and every day, the pharmacist was helping a person improve their quality of life.
My shadowing experience at Thompson’s Pharmacy was an amazing opportunity that solidified my decision to become a pharmacist. I cannot see myself doing anything else. I want to be that person who has the knowledge and capability of granting people the most valuable gift of all in life: health.
.


you were at 248. the red is parts that i would take out. bolded are additions. i underlined the part about interrupting because i think that word carries too much of a negative connotation. try changing it to something more amicable
 
i didn't read (ngl), but just a bit of advice: don't be scared to reduce the essay. If you're at 210+ words, you should be fine imo
 
I would personally start out with a short narrative/anecdote that (like a specific example of how you saw the pharmacist help improve someone's quality of life. you kind of started with a narrative but it was very, very general) and then show how that specific conversation or incident helped you know you wanted to become a pharmacist and what qualities you have that are beneficial in a pharmacist. Right now your essay doesn't say very much about you or about specific things you learned about the profession.
 
I would personally start out with a short narrative/anecdote that (like a specific example of how you saw the pharmacist help improve someone's quality of life. you kind of started with a narrative but it was very, very general) and then show how that specific conversation or incident helped you know you wanted to become a pharmacist and what qualities you have that are beneficial in a pharmacist. Right now your essay doesn't say very much about you or about specific things you learned about the profession.

Thank you... I revised it a bit What do you think?

A pharmacy has never been a strange place for me. Over the years, I have gotten sick and had to pay a visit to my local pharmacist to pick up a prescription. Although I have visited many times, I’ve always wondered how pharmacies looked on the inside. This summer, I had the chance to venture into uncharted territory: the other side of the pharmacy counter.
My first experience behind the pharmacy counter was at my grandmother’s long-time pharmacy. At first, I watched the pharmacist do a lot of filling and checking prescriptions. Soon, however, I learned that working in a community retail pharmacy is much more that counting by five. On this particular day, a teenage boy and his parents came to the counter to pick up a prescription. I watched the pharmacist speak with family at the counter about things other than the boy’s medication, such as his upcoming soccer game. He later mentioned to me that they have been coming to the pharmacy for years trying to find a medication to ease the symptoms of his chronic condition.
Overall, I learned that working in this type of environment, the pharmacist has the ability to form relationships with his customers and that they trust him to provide them with medications to improve their quality of life. My shadowing experience at Thompson’s Pharmacy was an amazing opportunity that solidified my decision to become a pharmacist. I cannot see myself doing anything else. I want to be that person who has the knowledge and capability of granting people the most valuable gift of all in life: health.​
 
Top Bottom