Leaving a significant other :-(

I don't have any words of wisdom, but I can relate. My fiance just got a really really nice package from Penn, but I haven't heard from them yet. I got accepted to Michigan (very tempted by this), and I have interviews at Illinois, Minnesota, and Va-Md. I'm hoping that I will get an interview and be able to get into Penn, but I feel like my chances are getting slimmer and slimmer as time goes on.
I really don't think the relationship will last four years apart, though... It's a really tough place to be.

I will have to do the same thing.....got into overseas school and it would be immensely hard for my fiance to transfer there with his job. He is completely understanding and does not want me to give up my dreams, but we are still hoping for a school in the states! I can't even imagine the day where I have to say goodbye to him and get on a plane to only see him once or twice a year....

We had a thread going on this last year, too, that you may wish to check out.

http://forums.studentdoctor.net/showthread.php?t=402276&highlight=spouses

They say vet school ends all relationships...to be honest, it's true a lot of the time. We even had a professor tell us that. I know a lot of people who came here with significant others and have since broken up. The outlook is even dimmer long distance...just something to consider when choosing a school. Sorry to be negative, but I'm just being honest. Of course, there are people who have stayed together (i.e. the married ones), but just be prepared for it to be difficult.

Boo, Hoo, Hoo, Me Too! Leaving husband and 3 kids behind in states to go to caribbean. Husband and I did this before for tech school, but leaving my children terrifies me. Not because theyre dad cant handle it ,but just the thought of being 1000 of miles away and something happens. Lots of hugs for everyone, I feel for ya. Looking forward to breaks and thanking god I only have to be away for 2 years and then back to the states- Yeah!

Have a serious talk with your significant other before going away. Make sure you are on the same page with regards to devotion to the relationship, willingness to work through issues. etc. That, I think, is key--not only for the confidence you get from such a conversation, but also for both of you to establish parameters/priorities.

Many people in my class are still together with their long-distance SOs and are doing well. As for myself, I went through a two-month long breakup, and was emotionally reamed six ways from Sunday trying desperately to make it work with someone who just really couldn't handle the distance. And because I was so hell-bent on making my relationship work, and devoting so much time and energy to it, I ended up (inadvertantly) isolating myself from my classmates. Now I have no boyfriend, no social network, no friends here, and still cry just about every day and feel like there's nobody here I can talk to. (I don't want to burden people I don't know very well with my not-insignificant problems.) On top of vet school stress.

Not fun--you do NOT want to go through what I have gone through. TALK TO YOUR SO before leaving. And make sure to build your OWN LIFE at vet school.

At least I can say that I tried everything I could. However, there were warning signs beforehand--he was always more scared of the distance than was--so be prepared if your SO has a wishy-washy state before you even leave.

I think the difference between the couples that work and the couples that don't is the willingness on BOTH sides to work through the problems that come with distance. On the good side of things, in the early days of vet school (when things were going well with myself and my BF), I felt so supported and happy and lucky. It was hard, sure, but it was AWESOME. So if you can keep that up, it'll be great--as others have said, enough time for studying, but also fulfillment in your personal life. "Vet school stress" didn't really exist for me back then, because I had a rock to lean on. Hopefully, you will be the same way--only for much longer!

At the end of the day, though, no matterwhat you WILL be a veterinarian. Those who say that if a guy/girl can't handle the distance, then they don't deserve you are correct. Those who say, too, that you should follow your dreams first and a relationshp second are also right.

Sorry to be such a downer. One of my best friends goes to vet school at Murdoch, and she and her husband just got divorced. Again, because there was a difference in the levels of commitment/desire to work through problems. I cannot emphasize enough how important this is!

Good luck to all of you in school and your relationships. It really is a wonderful thing if/when it works!!

If I am lucky enough to get in to any school, I will go and my husband will stay here (unless I got in at RVC or Penn or some place it would be worthwhile to move to). Things happen how they are supposed to and though it may be hard, the outcome will be what it is meant to be. I'm sure it would suck. If I go without my husband it would be very difficult but it would give me more time to just focus on my schooling. At least that's what I'm saying now before I know the outcome of if I get in somewhere...

BigGreenVet said:

I don't have any words of wisdom, but I can relate. My fiance just got a really really nice package from Penn, but I haven't heard from them yet. I got accepted to Michigan (very tempted by this), and I have interviews at Illinois, Minnesota, and Va-Md. I'm hoping that I will get an interview and be able to get into Penn, but I feel like my chances are getting slimmer and slimmer as time goes on.
I really don't think the relationship will last four years apart, though... It's a really tough place to be.

Click to expand...

Remember, here's me talking as a 25 year old married gal, not a 21 year old in the last year of college. Here's the thing...I think there's a big difference between a boyfriend/girlfriend and a fiance/spouse. But since you're talking fiances...

Did your fiance only get into Penn? I'm a pretty practical person and it is not worthwhile (to me!) to go into a massive amount of debt to go somewhere out of state away from your fiance just because some other school has some special program that you really want. The first few years will be pretty much the same at most schools and if you're really interested in another school's special program (like another school has an awesome exotics program and yours doesn't), take an externship/preceptorship there 3rd or 4th year or during a summer. And get a job there after you graduate. It's ONLY four years (I keep telling myself this all the time!). All the special programs in the world won't make you any happier if you are miserable from your personal life.

Part of maturity is the delay of instant gratification. Thinking big picture is critical. I would have LOVED to go to Colorado State, but it would have been waaaaaay too much money and DH didn't want to find another job. So I'm sucking it up at Mizzou (not that I hate it, cause I don't, but I would have preferred CSU) and saving that extra 100K for a nice place and practice out in Colorado in the future.

So back to your post, if he only got into Penn but you got into multiple places but not Penn, I'd go where he was, apply again for Penn next year and maybe even get in state residency for tuition if they do that and all that jazz. Plus if he's in second year and you're in first, he can help you out. Now, if you were just dating him, I'd say consider letting him go. But once you are to the married/engaged (like set a general date), the game plan changes dramatically and you need to work as a compromising team if you want your future marriage to work. I did a long distance relationship for over 2 years as an undergrad and I would NOT do that as a marriage.

Hmmm..Electrophile, I've been married nearly as long as you've been alive...Scary!

So here's the rambling thoughts of someone who's been married for 20 years.

I think getting into veterinary school is too difficult, random, and unpredictable to turn down an offer of admission in the hopes of getting another offer at your preferred school a year later. So, BigGreenVet, If you have an offer from Michigan, and nothing else comes through for you, then I say go to Michigan. And why shouldn't your fiance be the one to turn down the offer from Penn and join YOU? Just sayin'....

Cornish, my advice to you is slightly different. If you think you can get into a school stateside in the near future, you might consider waiting, but that's more because going overseas will just be harder all the way around. If you think this is your one big chance, though, then go!

My husband has not yet relocated to be with me and my girls in Knoxville. Is it difficult? Hell yes! Trying to single parent while attending vet school has been more than a challenge. And like Alliecat, I've felt isolated from my classmates. But my husband wouldn't dream of even letting me turn down an offer to go to veterinary school, just so we could live together. We KNOW this is temporary. I say if your relationship is going to last a lifetime, it had better be able to withstand a few years of separation, if that's what it takes for you BOTH to be able to pursue your respective dreams.

So, BGV, if you have the luxury of staying in the same location, then by all means, go to Penn. But if that offer doesn't come through, I urge you not to blow off Michigan. You might never get another chance. I doubt your fiance wants you to make that kind of sacrifice just so he can see you every day. To both of you: if your relationship doesn't last, then I'd venture a guess it wouldn't have anyway. And wouldn't you regret turning down vet school to stay with someone who ends up leaving anyway?

This is just sort of a general post on the topic..for lurkers etc

My boyfriend of 4.5 years (that's a lot when you're only 21 at the time) told me that he didn't want me going to vet school because 1) I would be staying downstate andf he would be moving upstate and 2) "my debt would be come his debt"

I told him to get lost, and went anyway. And we broke up. And yeah, it hurt. That was someone who had been the center of my life for (what was to me) a very large majority of my life. But if I hadn't gone, I would have been miserable and resented him for it, plus I woul d have cheated myself out of my dream.

Obviously, I would hope most guys are more mature than this. But seriously - put yourself first. You shouldn't feel guilty or ashamed for doing so, there is nothing wrong with it when you are talking about your education and future. I'm not saying ignore your SOs wishes or needs, but give your more weight - after all it's your life, and your dream.

WhtsThFrequency said:

This is just sort of a general post on the topic..for lurkers etc

My boyfriend of 4.5 years (that's a lot when you're only 21 at the time) told me that he didn't want me going to vet school because 1) I would be staying downstate andf he would be moving upstate and 2) "my debt would be come his debt"

I told him to get lost, and went anyway. And we broke up. And yeah, it hurt. That was someone who had been the center of my life for (what was to me) a very large majority of my life. But if I hadn't gone, I would have been miserable and resented him for it, plus I woul d have cheated myself out of my dream.

Obviously, I would hope most guys are more mature than this. But seriously - put yourself first. You shouldn't feel guilty or ashamed for doing so, there is nothing wrong with it when you are talking about your education and future. I'm not saying ignore your SOs wishes or needs, but give your more weight - after all it's your life, and your dream.

Click to expand...

I really hope this doesn't come across the wrong way. I do agree with you in large part. But if you're a little bit older and at a different commitment level (married), then you do have to factor in the other person's happiness, too. Otherwise there is no way you can expect them to factor your happiness into their decisions. But if two people truly care about each other, it shouldn't be hard to want the other person to be happy, so you try to find that middle ground. Living with the middle ground...that may be hard. But if the two people are truly open with each other about their wants, needs, and what they're capable of giving up and not giving up, then it can work.

In the case of two people who are both applying to very competitive schools, that's so much harder because you're both at the whim of adcoms, essentially. Good luck to all, though, and hang in there! I think life has a funny way of working out.

Out of curiosity, do you think more people leave SOs behind or bring 'em along?

Hi Cornish,
Congratulations on your acceptance!! What school did you get into? I was one of the people avidly following the tread last year about this very topic. I am at Murdoch University in Perth, AU and left my boyfriend in the states for the first semester. He just joined me in Australia in January. There were quite a few people in my class who followed the same path. Depending on what country your school is in it is very possible for your boyfriend to join you. If he is willing to look into coming with you I urge you to do so. In most fields 4-5 years in another country won't make or break a career and he may very well find good work and experience with will serve him in good stead once your schooling is done.

My boyfriend and I have been together for over 5 years now and spent 4 years of it apart. So, from experience I can honestly tell you that should you go and he stay it is possible to work through the long distance and come out the other side with a healthy happy relationship. However, it was very very hard and I would not encourage anyone who has other options to do so without taking a hard look at weather or not they thought the relationship was worth the time and effort.

I mean no disrespect to anyone. In my opinion if distance and/or hardship makes or breaks a relationship be it "just" boyfriend/girlfriend or a marriage then the relationship was fatally flawed anyhow. There are plenty of things in life that are harder than vet school, harder than long distance; if a relationship cannot survive vet school how will it survive the really horrible things that can and do happen?

If you love him, he loves you, and the two of you are BOTH willing to put effort into your relationship there is no reason you cannot remain together through vet school, apart or together. Though, if at all possible, I vote for together.

Good luck to everyone!

I'm currently finishing up my masters in biology... Why I'm writing this instead of the next chapter in my thesis I'll never know... Anyway, here's my situation...

My husband recently got a new job doing computer software consulting stuff (that I don't even attempt to understand). His company has offices throughout the US and in several countries. What happens is that he has to travel (just about every week) to the client site. He does have to relocate near one of the offices for times when he's not on a project and can work in the office. He's only been at this job for about a month and hasn't been put on a project yet. He spent 2 1/2 weeks in India training... Anyway, he has about 3 months left until he has to move. He's planning on moving to Chicago for now. He can float among offices in US easily, but if he goes overseas (for more than 6 wks) there has to be a spot open.

In order to make things work, I've decided to only apply to schools where he could live. That cuts my choices down A LOT!! Davis and Illinois here in the states and I will also be applying to Melbourne and Sydney. Too bad the company doesn't have an office in Perth (would give me another option for wildlife). If I get into an Aussie school then he wouldn't have to travel near as much since people in AU are pretty much concentrated in few areas.

He supports my dreams and is willing to do anything to help me make my goals. It was my choice to limit the schools I apply to. If it was just him and I, things might be different (since I wouldn't see him that often anyway if we stay in the US) but we have a son (who will be 9 this Friday) and I want them to spend as much time together as possible. It's also a little scary to think about trying to manage two households (we'll see how that goes when he moves to Chicago).

I know it's going to be hard, but if it was going to be easy it wouldn't be too much fun, right?

Oh, to remember the days when I only had to worry about me... "sniff"

Now we have to balance his dreams (which he is now at his dream job), my dreams, and still be the wonderful parents we are...

If you go into situations like these with your eyes and mind open, it will be a lot easier for the both of you. As stated in previous posts, your age and the level of relationship make a difference.

There was one time when I was soooooo in love that I was going to go to a college that didn't fit me to be with "him". We had dated for 3 1/2 years. I was accepted to several schools, but before I packed my bags for NSU we decided to split, I went to TAMU (where I eventually met my husband). I'm so glad that I didn't rearrange my life for him. But now that I'm married it's different. He and I both compromise (though it doesn't feel like making sacrifices) so that both of us can be happy.

Ok, I guess I actually put in 73 cents worth... I better get to the thesis or I'll never graduate...

-Snakegal

Many of you are talking about how hard it would be to leave your SO behind, but I challenge you to think how hard it would be to bring him/her with you! Especially if he/she is not in your field. Of course there are bad things with both sides (and IMO leaving behind is worse), but it is just something to think about.

My husband had a hard time adjusting and finding a job. And there are about 5 juniors in my school that have gotten divorced. I don't worry about that with me and my husband, but there were times when he was just unhappy here... and that breaks my heart.

Good luck to everyone out there. Everything happens for a reason so hang in there!

VAgirl - yes , I totally agree marriage is on a different plane - that makes it a whole other ballgame -, I was more just adding a random thought.

There's only one school (Western) that will put me near my boyfriend, as he goes to USC. I had an interview there and also will have one at OSU and WSU. We've lived an hour away from each other for over a year, and we've been truly long-distance (I in Portland, OR, him in LA) for half a year now, and we're doing fairly well with it. We both certainly don't want to give up now! We've been dating for 3 years and while I would LOVE to go to Western, whether or not he was there or not, there's the possibility I won't get in and will go to one of the other schools.

But he's extremely supportive of me. When I told him I thought I sounded like a total dork in my Western interview and worried I wouldn't get in, he just hugged me and told me that wherever I went we'd make it work, and that he'd be happy to see me doing what I truly want to do, even if it was far from him. I'm the one who struggles more with distance but we've kept it up this long, and I think we can keep on going as long as we need to. But, again, we've spent half our time as a couple not living in the same city, so we already have some experience at this. If I can survive 4 months without seeing him as I did last semester, I think I can survive going to vet school somewhere different with a visit every month or two. But it all depends on how the two of you work with distance -- and how far that distance is. A flight to CA from OR or WA is far more doable for a 3-day weekend than is a flight overseas, and being in the same time zone helps a lot too.

athenaparthenos said:

When I told him I thought I sounded like a total dork in my Western interview and worried I wouldn't get in,

Click to expand...

Ha. I sounded like a total dork for my Western interview............
Alright, actually I am a total dork

That didn't stop them from accepting me

Anyways it is tuff in any relationship in vet school, if you are together physically or not. Many, many relationships (and marriages) end. If you survive with your relationship intact that only makes you stronger. My husband was my rock while I was in vet school.

chris03333 said:

Ha. I sounded like a total dork for my Western interview............
Alright, actually I am a total dork

That didn't stop them from accepting me

Click to expand...

That's promising! I just totally blanked on one question and came up with a really *****ic answer and then kept rambling about it even while I was thinking "This is a completely lame answer! Stop talking!" The other ones I think I did all right in, but that one... Hopefully it won't hurt me too much though. *crosses fingers*

Electrophile said:

Here's the thing...I think there's a big difference between a boyfriend/girlfriend and a fiance/spouse. .

Click to expand...

Not trying to be overly PC here (and not trying to jump on Electrophile in particular) but I would like to put in a plea here for people discussing committed, mature relationships (as opposed to more fleeting, "college" relationships) to perhaps open their vocabulary to use terms other than "married" vs "nonmarried".

My partner and I have been living together for 3.5 years, share all finances, and share all life plans - I applied all over the country, but only to places where she could go to a fabulous graduate progam. I cannot get married to her even if I wanted to. My sister, who, due to tax benefits eventually did decide to get married after 8 years of living together, would not have gotten married if there were other options that made financial sense, because she personally doesn't enjoy the religious symbolism and opulence of wedding ceremonies.

While I agree that there are different tiers of relationships and often "married" is a convenient grouping, I also want to remind each other that relationships come in all stripes, and one married couple might have a weaker relaionship than another civil partnership.

ok, off my soapbox now.

hoodle said:

Not trying to be overly PC here (and not trying to jump on Electrophile in particular) but I would like to put in a plea here for people discussing committed, mature relationships (as opposed to more fleeting, "college" relationships) to perhaps open their vocabulary to use terms other than "married" vs "nonmarried".

My partner and I have been living together for 3.5 years, share all finances, and share all life plans - I applied all over the country, but only to places where she could go to a fabulous graduate progam. I cannot get married to her even if I wanted to. My sister, who, due to tax benefits eventually did decide to get married after 8 years of living together, would not have gotten married if there were other options that made financial sense, because she personally doesn't enjoy the religious symbolism and opulence of wedding ceremonies.

While I agree that there are different tiers of relationships and often "married" is a convenient grouping, I also want to remind each other that relationships come in all stripes, and one married couple might have a weaker relaionship than another civil partnership.

ok, off my soapbox now.

Click to expand...

I want to agree with you on that... I mean, if it wasn't for the uncertainty in my schooling, and my boyfriend finishing his own schooling, we'd be engaged and living together right now. But I don't see a point in getting engaged before we're able to live together, or at least in the same state as each other. There's just other stuff we have to get done first and focus on for the time being... but that doesn't mean we aren't in it for the long haul with each other, just because we aren't calling each other fiance yet. Just because "boyfriend" can mean "guy I've been dating just a few months" doesn't mean that's all it can be.

I think talking about "committed" relationships -- as in exclusive, devoted relationships where long-term plans are being made together -- vs. "casual" relationships where love may be a factor but the partners' futures are as of yet being planned separately, would make more sense and be more inclusive.

sofficat said:

Many of you are talking about how hard it would be to leave your SO behind, but I challenge you to think how hard it would be to bring him/her with you! Especially if he/she is not in your field. Of course there are bad things with both sides (and IMO leaving behind is worse), but it is just something to think about.

My husband had a hard time adjusting and finding a job. And there are about 5 juniors in my school that have gotten divorced. I don't worry about that with me and my husband, but there were times when he was just unhappy here... and that breaks my heart.

Good luck to everyone out there. Everything happens for a reason so hang in there!

Click to expand...

I'm in a situation where I think about how difficult it will for my boyfriend to follow me to whichever vet school I go to... I'm in Southern California right now where my bf graduated from USC's Physical Therapy program. We're living together here and we both work nearby.

So far I've gotten into Kansas, have interviewed at Western, am going to interview at Minnesota and am waiting to hear back from UCDavis. He says he'll go where I want to, but I can tell he's iffy about going to Kansas with me (only school I am accepted for sure for now).. since it's more of a "college town" and not really much of a city life... he's worried about finding a job and about the social factor of living in Manhattan, KS. He prefers Western and Minnesota since Western is 10 minutes from where we live now.. wouldn't be much of a difference.. and Minnesota is in the city...

But if Kansas is the only school I get into.. then that's where I'm going! And I worry about his happiness in Kansas.. Your significant other being happy is important.. and I also worry that I'll be worried about spending time with him.. which would stress me out in terms of making my education #1 in my life.. sometimes it just seems easier if I just went alone!

But I guess we'll just see how it turns out.

Along the same topic of to leave a SO or to stay, how important does everyone think the rank of a veterinary school is?

I have not been with my SO that long, but we have definitely discussed marriage and the only reason we are not married yet is because there is no rush since we are still just 23 (and I would prefer to figure out the living situations of the future before getting married)

We currently live in Chicago, and he is in his first year of medical school here. I have just been accepted to Col. state U, Oregon State U., Wash.state u, and have interview at U illinois (which is 2 hours away) and Purdue (2 hours away). Of course CSU is the ideal choice for vet school, and there is the chance that he could transfer to Denver health science (1 hr from fort collins) but it would be very difficult. Is it worth it? I know illinois isn't the best ranked school, purdue is decent, but how much does it all matter?

What do you want to do with your DVM?

Small animal medicine

greenie53 said:

Small animal medicine

Click to expand...

Then I'd say it doesn't matter which school you attend. All of the accredited veterinary colleges have comparable programs in small animal med. "Ranking" of schools is something that just doesn't matter that much in veterinary medicine the way it seems to in human medicine.

When was the last time you decided on your dog's doctor based on where he or she received a veterinary degree? And for the record, the surgical team at U of I who performed my husky's very complicated parathyroid surgery was excellent. I'd say you'd receive top notch training in Illinois. I'm not sure why you think otherwise.

critterfixer said:

Then I'd say it doesn't matter which school you attend. All of the accredited veterinary colleges have comparable programs in small animal med. "Ranking" of schools is something that just doesn't matter that much in veterinary medicine the way it seems to in human medicine.

When was the last time you decided on your dog's doctor based on where he or she received a veterinary degree? And for the record, the surgical team at U of I who performed my husky's very complicated parathyroid surgery was excellent. I'd say you'd receive top notch training in Illinois. I'm not sure why you think otherwise.

Click to expand...

When was the last time you decided your doctor based on where he/she received their medical degree? Regardless of where someone went to school, they had to do a residency and doing well on USMLE Step I/rotations (other stuff as well) is more important to obtaining a good residency than the difference between a #30 or #60 school (although I'm sure this can be debated). Also, the 'accuracy' of US News ranking system is debatable.

As for vet schools, there are 30. You'll always be in the top 30. Personally, I would rather spend my time with my significant other, even if that means giving up a few things for the time being, because that's what's important to me.

Cornish said:

Thank you everyone for all your advice and personal stories. I was accepted in the UK and I do believe this is my one big chance, otherwise I would wait to apply in the U.S. I have a non-traditional background, which is why I wouldn't even be able to apply to U.S. schools for 1 or 2 more years (and who can predict my grades in all the pre-reqs I would have to do?). Europe takes people strait from high school, so the pre-req list is MUCH shorter. Plus, I'm out of state everywhere (stupid CT)! I have a decent but not stellar GRE, good but not very diverse work experience, so I'm realistic in my chances of getting into a U.S. school. I think I am making the right choice, but it so very hard to leave my boyfriend. However, he is going to law school anyway (doesn't know where yet) so he might be far away regardless!

I'm afraid of breaking up, but also I'm just afraid about being sad overseas. The end of any relationship is hard, whether it be from distance or a fight. But I'm going to try to stick it out with him and if it was meant to be it will, as corny as it sounds.

Click to expand...

Cornish, not that I want to make your decision any more difficult, but...

Iowa *just* partnered with CT as a contract state, this year (class of 2012) is the first class with that opportunity, and it's so new that it wasn't even on the application back in september/october. Just wanted to tell you - I don't think it's widely known knowledge yet, I found out entirely by accident when I interviewed there last weekend.

Good luck!

critterfixer said:

I think getting into veterinary school is too difficult, random, and unpredictable to turn down an offer of admission in the hopes of getting another offer at your preferred school a year later. So, BigGreenVet, If you have an offer from Michigan, and nothing else comes through for you, then I say go to Michigan. And why shouldn't your fiance be the one to turn down the offer from Penn and join YOU? Just sayin'....

Click to expand...

Agreed. I also wanted to point out that, at least with medical school, turning down ANY acceptance is a big no-no. Ad coms apparently really frown upon that, and you will almost definitely not be accepted anywhere the following year.

I couldn't tell you for sure if it's the same for vet school, but it's something to consider.

VAgirl said:

Out of curiosity, do you think more people leave SOs behind or bring 'em along?

Click to expand...

A lot of people stay in the relationship long-distance, but some do bring them along. Whether or not they brought their SO along, the great majority broke up in the first semester. The rest got engaged over winter break.

greenie53 said:

Along the same topic of to leave a SO or to stay, how important does everyone think the rank of a veterinary school is?

I have not been with my SO that long, but we have definitely discussed marriage and the only reason we are not married yet is because there is no rush since we are still just 23 (and I would prefer to figure out the living situations of the future before getting married)

We currently live in Chicago, and he is in his first year of medical school here. I have just been accepted to Col. state U, Oregon State U., Wash.state u, and have interview at U illinois (which is 2 hours away) and Purdue (2 hours away). Of course CSU is the ideal choice for vet school, and there is the chance that he could transfer to Denver health science (1 hr from fort collins) but it would be very difficult. Is it worth it? I know illinois isn't the best ranked school, purdue is decent, but how much does it all matter?

Click to expand...

Illinois is a great school, but if you haven't been together that long, I'm not sure I would go there just for your SO. Additionally, 2 hours doesn't seem like much compared to CSU, but it'll seem like forever really quickly - you'll have to be a superhero if you want to have time to drive 2 hours back and forth a couple times a week (or even just every weekend when exams get crazy). If you were married I would say have him transfer to Denver, although that's still an hour away...

Just like everyone else said, make sure this is for real before you make major life decisions based around the relationship.

Here's my experience with long distance relationships...they CAN work.

I have been dating my SO for almost 8 years. SO has been working overseas for the last 5 years on a roughly 6mo on/4 mo off schedule.

Pros: I am so busy with school, it just works, especially when SO is working during the semester and off during the summer or winter breaks. It doesn't always work out like that, though, especially when SO comes home right before a test and I have to study. But I am able to work and go to school uninterrupted or without distraction most of the time. Also, I think our relationship has taken on so many interesting facets given that we are truly individuals, living different lives to a point. That diversity adds something.

Cons: Being apart, obviously. It is HARD. Especially over holidays, and when we are hitting the 5-6 month mark of separation. I really envy people who can drive a few hours and be together, even if it's just for the weekend.

We are in a committed relationship and I know this schedule and distance are temporary. We have to remind ourselves constantly how the hard work will pay off (and already has in some ways). It has been the greatest test I have ever been through. If you are both committed equally it can work. But you are the only ones who can decide that. Oh, and don't let anyone tell you that your relationship is any less serious because you aren't together 24/7...I have had to defend mine several times from people who have been dating for a month or even less!

On another note...I have a 4th year friend who is married, and the couple lives about 2 hours away from each other during the week. They visit on weekends. My friend has mentioned benefits like studying without distraction and having to maintain their relationship on a daily basis.

So I thought I would bring this thread back with some venting

So, I will be semi-leaving my husband behind when I go to WI in the fall. It saddens me and it has taken some time for me to adjust to the idea. I've finally accepted the idea with the following things. First of all my husband, who is in real estate, plans on spending a week every month in WI with me and working from there. Also, if you look at the school schedule, its about two months then there's Thanksgiving, then winter break, spring break and then summer. So, its not like I won't see him for four straight years. Also, my husband has been nothing but 110% supportive, so I know he's really behind me in doing this. In fact, if it weren't for him pushing me to do this, I probably wouldn't have applied at all.

However (and this is where the venting comes in) I have had several people become upset and distressed to hear that I will be doing this. One of their first questions is...What is your husband going to do? Then when I tell them, they look upset - like oh no their marriage is doomed. One woman even told me straight up - "You know that will never work"

I just hate having to try to convince other people that they should be happy for me and not sad that my marriage is doomed.

Rebeki, my friend had the exact opposite problem with people telling her she should apply to grad programs in places where her husband might not be able to find work. They kept telling her that the two of them could just live apart, that they know lots of couples who have done that. For my friend, living apart wasn't the right choice.

So I think what's really going on here is that people like to think they know what will and won't work for others. But in reality, they're just being nosy and rude. Honestly, these are the kinds of people that you ignore. Unless they're close friends or family in which case you tell them to kindly keep their obnoxiousness to themselves. The only people who need to be on board are you and your husband. Don't worry about them. If you want to make it work, you guys will do what is necessary. Good luck!

Rebeki said:

However (and this is where the venting comes in) I have had several people become upset and distressed to hear that I will be doing this. One of their first questions is...What is your husband going to do? Then when I tell them, they look upset - like oh no their marriage is doomed. One woman even told me straight up - "You know that will never work"

I just hate having to try to convince other people that they should be happy for me and not sad that my marriage is doomed.

Click to expand...

I live too far from Mich. State to commute so I am going to living near campus during the week and coming home on the weekends and on breaks. Unfortunately, our economy in Michigan is not conducive to selling our current house and moving closer to campus. My husband and I (while not happy with the idea) agree that me living near campus during the week is the best solution for now and we'll look at it again next year. When I told my mother that this was what we were doing, she got upset and said "why would you do THAT?!?!?! You know your marriage won't survive being apart like that!!!!" GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR - thanks for the vote of confidence mom!

VAgirl said:

So I think what's really going on here is that people like to think they know what will and won't work for others. But in reality, they're just being nosy and rude. Honestly, these are the kinds of people that you ignore. Unless they're close friends or family in which case you tell them to kindly keep their obnoxiousness to themselves. The only people who need to be on board are you and your husband. Don't worry about them. If you want to make it work, you guys will do what is necessary. Good luck!

Click to expand...

Excellent advice, VAgirl... I finally got so fed up with my mom's obnoxiousness that I told her that while I appreciated her concern, this was something that my husband and I worked out for ourselves and while I was at it, I also politely asked her to please keep all non-supportive comments to herself.

So far so good - no more non-supportive/obnoxious/nosy/rude/etc... comments from my mom!

Thanks for the support! Its just so frustrating when I tell them my exciting news and they look saddened by it and then I have to try to convince them its good news. Luckily for me, my family and close friends have been supportive.

Poop on those obnoxious people

Rebeki said:

Poop on those obnoxious people

Click to expand...

Well, Miss Manners might frown on that particular course of action, but at least it would make those people zip it!

Actually, Miss Manners often advocates an icy stare when confronted with extreme rudeness. Or even a startled, "Excuse me?" as if you cannot believe that what you thought you heard them say is what they actually could have said. If you get the tone right, maybe you'll get them to realize they're being clods.

Also, I'd like to add in one more thing...stop defending your choice!! You owe these people nothing in the way of an explanation. By explaining, you're essentially telling them that their concern is valid and you will attempt to convince them. Unnecessary!

(Sorry, my years of reading advice columnists is apparently coming out. )

This thread makes it seem like everyone here is either married or engaged... am I the only old maid here?

Anyway, if I had an SO, there's no way I would choose him over going to vet school. Even if I had been with him since I was 16 (I think that's the earliest I was allowed to date...), I've wanted to be a vet since I was 10, so I guess you could say my relationship with vet med has been longer. Also, while I suppose it could happen, I'd like to think I wouldn't be with someone who would want me to choose staying here with him over leaving to go to vet school. If he isn't supportive of me fulfilling my dreams, he's not worth my time. Not that I'm saying that this is any of your situations, I'm just posing a hypothetical.

There is someone I've been dating a bit, but if I end up leaving for vet school in the fall, I think we'd just break it off, if in fact there is anything to break off. I'm definitely in no rush to get married or be in a similar relationship, so my love life will be on hold until I get this becoming a vet thing figured out.

There's my $0.02; everyone has different needs and priorities, and these are mine. Perhaps I'm not in the best position to give advice on the subject. Obviously, I would feel a bit different if I were married, but I don't think it would keep me from vet school. Okay, end of long babbling session.

zpinkpanther said:

This thread makes it seem like everyone here is either married or engaged... am I the only old maid here?

Anyway, if I had an SO, there's no way I would choose him over going to vet school. Even if I had been with him since I was 16 (I think that's the earliest I was allowed to date...), I've wanted to be a vet since I was 10, so I guess you could say my relationship with vet med has been longer. Also, while I suppose it could happen, I'd like to think I wouldn't be with someone who would want me to choose staying here with him over leaving to go to vet school. If he isn't supportive of me fulfilling my dreams, he's not worth my time. Not that I'm saying that this is any of your situations, I'm just posing a hypothetical.

There is someone I've been dating a bit, but if I end up leaving for vet school in the fall, I think we'd just break it off, if in fact there is anything to break off. I'm definitely in no rush to get married or be in a similar relationship, so my love life will be on hold until I get this becoming a vet thing figured out.

There's my $0.02; everyone has different needs and priorities, and these are mine. Perhaps I'm not in the best position to give advice on the subject. Obviously, I would feel a bit different if I were married, but I don't think it would keep me from vet school. Okay, end of long babbling session.

Click to expand...

You're not the only one zpinkpanther. I broke off my engagement (basically for vet school) so now I'm an old maid too!

VAgirl said:

Well, Miss Manners might frown on that particular course of action, but at least it would make those people zip it!

Actually, Miss Manners often advocates an icy stare when confronted with extreme rudeness. Or even a startled, "Excuse me?" as if you cannot believe that what you thought you heard them say is what they actually could have said. If you get the tone right, maybe you'll get them to realize they're being clods.

Also, I'd like to add in one more thing...stop defending your choice!! You owe these people nothing in the way of an explanation. By explaining, you're essentially telling them that their concern is valid and you will attempt to convince them. Unnecessary!

(Sorry, my years of reading advice columnists is apparently coming out. )

Click to expand...

Funny, because I was going to suggest a Miss Manners response, too! I believe she would say the proper response, in addition to the icy stare, would be to say, "I can't imagine why you would ask that."

As usual, VAgirl is giving you excellent advice. You do not owe these people an explanation, so don't feel the need to defend your choice.

FTR, my husband has just recently joined my daughters and I in Knoxville. For the last 8 months, he has lived in Nashville. Our marriage hasn't suffered. In fact, if I may speak frankly, I appreciate not having to wonder how I will fit in "couple time" while trying to study.

critterfixer said:

I believe she would say the proper response, in addition to the icy stare, would be to say, "I can't imagine why you would ask that."

Click to expand...

Ooh, ooh, I like that one even better! It leaves less to tone.

critterfixer said:

In fact, if I may speak frankly, I appreciate not having to wonder how I will fit in "couple time" while trying to study.

Click to expand...

...And so true, I'm sure. (I'm sorry, that guy doesn't look "cool" to me. He looks slightly concerned and contemplative to me. So I will use him as such!)

it already seems like i am married to my so of 4 yrs & i feel like if we werent both in school, we would be. i had a year off between undergrad & vet school, so i moved with him to atl for his masters program. he still has another year here, so we already knew we would be apart for at least a year once i started vet school. i feel like it is probably for the best since the 1st year is going to be so hard--just adjusting to things, etc on top of all the school work. i will start at glasgow this sept. & it is funny b/c family, friends, etc seemed more concerned about our relationship than we are. they keep asking what he is going to do when i leave....why they arent worried about me is shocking, but whatever!

i tried to apply to vet schools that were in areas that would have something to offer him when he gets finished....so that meant none in middle of nowhere oklahoma (not that osu isnt a great school) & it just so happened that i ended up with glasgow. i am not sure how difficult it would be for him to live with me once he graduates, but that is a bridge we will cross when we get there. our best friend is also starting school in the uk this fall, so it is even more reason for him to come. i certainly dont want to leave him behind, but he knew from the get go what my path was & that he could either roll with it or move on. i really feel like things are going to work out, mostly b/c we are on the same page with it all. we are both prepared for the separation & have already talked about what we are going to try to do during that year we wont see each other. i have no doubt that he will do everything he can to come to scotland once he is finished with his schooling, whether that be next year or further down the road. i think it also helps that we have already spent some time apart---i went to new zealand last summer for about a month. that was the farthest i could possibly be away distance wise, but we handled it. it also helped that i knew i was coming back....but that time went by so fast b/c i was so busy. 1 year will go by fast--my year off is already half way over.

you can only do so much to make a relationship work & you never truly know what is going to do down. you can have every intention to stay with that person, but different circumstances can arise that make that change. i am just taking it day by day, hoping that things will work but knowing that if they dont then it was meant to be that way.

basically, my advice to anyone in the same situation is to start preparing for it....start packing some things away, start getting rid of things that you cant take with you....instead of overwhelming yourself all at once...it will also help your so b/c they will see that you are seriously leaving & they better get prepared. long distance relationships can work---example: my best friend that is going to the uk as well----she has been dating a british guy online for almost 6 years before they met last summer. now she is moving to england to be with him/go to grad school....and like everyone else has said so far, both sides have to communicate & be on the same page.

rustysmom said:

I live too far from Mich. State to commute so I am going to living near campus during the week and coming home on the weekends and on breaks. Unfortunately, our economy in Michigan is not conducive to selling our current house and moving closer to campus. My husband and I (while not happy with the idea) agree that me living near campus during the week is the best solution for now and we'll look at it again next year. When I told my mother that this was what we were doing, she got upset and said "why would you do THAT?!?!?! You know your marriage won't survive being apart like that!!!!" GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR - thanks for the vote of confidence mom!

Click to expand...

If I get into MSU we would make good roommates...we're going to keep our house as well, and my husband plans on visiting on weekends about once a month. Of course, this is all depends on me getting off the waitlist...

So I have to join the crowd...The SO decided that he won't be going with me when I leave, that 4 years of me in school and him in school was too uncertain, blah blah blah. It is for the best in the sense that if we were totally committed we would have planned on working it out no matter what...

But it still sucks ***.

fargeese said:

So I have to join the crowd...The SO decided that he won't be going with me when I leave, that 4 years of me in school and him in school was too uncertain, blah blah blah. It is for the best in the sense that if we were totally committed we would have planned on working it out no matter what...

But it still sucks ***.

Click to expand...

::hugs::
It gets lots better, I promise.