parents and residency apps: an unholy alliance

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BlondeDocteur

BlondeDocteur

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There are loads of stories about over-involved or clueless parents interfering in the med school application process-- does the insanity stop with residency? I think not. I'll go first.

Me: Hey, dad, just letting you know, I've decided to take that year of research and I'm dropping out of fourth year.

Dad: What?! Why? Are you worried about residency? You know you'll get in. You'll get in everywhere you apply.

*smacks forehead*

Me: Dad, it's this Match thing, remember? [my dad is an anesthesiologist]. You don't 'get in' anywhere.... anyway, no, it's not that.

Dad: ... because they'll take you.

Me: NO dad, I want to do the research, and besides I've decided to go for a super-competitive specialty and I think my application could use the boost.

Dad: What? Plastic surgery is competitive? Seriously? Well, if it's so competitive, how on earth could taking a fifth year help you? It'll look like you needed a remedial year.

:: horror dawns in his voice ::

Wait, do you need a remedial year?

Me: No... argh... thanks for your support... just trust me, this is in no way anomalous, and the lab I'll be in is awesome.

Dad: I have a fantastic idea! I know the chairman of plastic surgery at [Southern State U, my undergrad]! I'll call him up and ask about this research business.

Me: Noooooooooooooooo

::Click::

Sure enough, he called. And he didn't know the guy *at all*, he looked him up on the division website. So now this particular PD, if he remembers my name at all, will think I'm the sort of person who has her dad do her groundwork for her and I'm sure rank me accordingly.
 
Its amusing to see that even children of physicians have to deal with their poor fund of knowledge about this whole thing. As the only even remotely medical person in my family (immediate and extended), I rather tired of:

"So what is this residency thing again"

"Fellowship? What's that?"

"How long will it take before you get a real job?"

"Its nice that July 1 is on the weekend, so you really don't have to start until Monday, right? And July 4th is right after, so you'll have plenty of time to get settled."

"So you can write prescriptions now, right? (this was when I was pre-med)

"Do you think I should go off my beta blockers" (elderly grandmother who doesn't like the side effects and figured I knew as much as her cardiologist. Sadly she is now so demented that she doesn't remember me, that she paid for my medical school, or that I am a doctor.)

"My daughter is an on-a-cologist" (not only can my mother not remember what it is exactly I do, she cannot pronounce it right either.)

"Wow. That's exactly what his surgeon said. How did you know that?" (my mother, suprised that I actually knew how they were going to manage her husband's colon cancer.)
 
Winged Scapula said:
Its amusing to see that even children of physicians have to deal with their poor fund of knowledge about this whole thing. As the only even remotely medical person in my family (immediate and extended), I rather tired of:

"So what is this residency thing again"

"Fellowship? What's that?"

"How long will it take before you get a real job?"

"Its nice that July 1 is on the weekend, so you really don't have to start until Monday, right? And July 4th is right after, so you'll have plenty of time to get settled."

"So you can write prescriptions now, right? (this was when I was pre-med)

"Do you think I should go off my beta blockers" (elderly grandmother who doesn't like the side effects and figured I knew as much as her cardiologist. Sadly she is now so demented that she doesn't remember me, that she paid for my medical school, or that I am a doctor.)

"My daughter is an on-a-cologist" (not only can my mother not remember what it is exactly I do, she cannot pronounce it right either.)

"Wow. That's exactly what his surgeon said. How did you know that?" (my mother, suprised that I actually knew how they were going to manage her husband's colon cancer.)
Click to expand...
I get to live with "So when you're done with your training in the ER you will open an office right?"
 
My most recent one is:

"When you are done with Psychiatry residency you are going to go to another specialty right?"
 
My father in law calls my fellowship an "advanced course" because he didn't know what fellowship meant.

I too got tired of the "of course they'll take you!" kinds of things. You all do realize I am not the smartest person in the world, right?
 
Your dad sounds like my MOM...except your dad is WORSE. LOL. He CALLED the program director?! Most folks just don't understand research, or the residency selection process. I think what you are doing is likely to help you in the Match. He just doesn't get it. And you WILL laugh about this later. Trust me on this one. I am SO glad I am done with all the Match stuff. LOL though!!!! Give your dad a hug next time you see him. He's just doing his daddy job (i.e. being your biggest cheerleader). He definitely stepped over the line, though...
 
I think 95% of the population dont have a freaking clue of what it takes to become a doctor specialize in x or y in terms of test we have to take, about teh med school then residency then fellowship thing.

And i include our parents in that 95%!!!
 
Yeah. Bringing parents into this residency apps mix can be a really awful idea.

My parents are extremely family oriented people. So, I know that it's been hard for them to have me in one place, and my sister working in a city that's pretty far away. My parents see the Match as a perfect opportunity for me to relocate somewhere close to where my sister is. That way, they can move out to be near us, and the "whole family will be together again!" [Yay. :lame:]

My father's idea was for me to apply to every residency program in the city where my sister lives....regardless of specialty. When I pointed out that I have absolutely zero interest in doing an IM residency, and that a peds residency might drive me to alcoholism, he answered, "Family closeness is more important than your personal happiness! All specialties are the same, anyway - all that matters is that you finish A residency, right?"

<sigh> Thanks, Dad. I'll keep this conversation filed away for the next time you remind me that "good Asian daughters" don't put their parents away in retirement homes..... :laugh:
 
My friends and family are more practical about the residency: "But... are you paid or do you pay to be a resident?" "So... if I go to your hospital, would I be seen by a real doctor or a resident?"
 
haha here are mine:

"why are you doing for peds? i think you should do dermatology or something else" (um, obviously have considered all the possibilities before applying, thanks)

"if you want to do peds heme/onc, can you apply to both peds and heme/onc programs at the same time?" (um...no)

"you better go into private practice ASAP so you can pay me back for all the tuition i paid for" (um...i want to do academics!)

"why dont they pay for your interview flights/hotels like real jobs?" (sorry mom)
 
Last edited:
sandraf said:
My friends and family are more practical about the residency: "But... are you paid or do you pay to be a resident?" "So... if I go to your hospital, would I be seen by a real doctor or a resident?"
Click to expand...

My family thought I was going to be making "the big bucks" right out of medical school and would be operating on my own.

Sore surprise when they realized I still needed some training and to borrow money from time to time.
 
There was a story on one of those news magazine shows (like 60 minutes or 48 hours) a few months ago about "helicopter mothers" i.e. those parents of Millenial students who were basically interfering with their kids' college and job interviews, etc. It was very funny and eye-opening. My parents would have NEVER done the stuff these folks did...like try to accompany their child to job interview, etc. Blond Docteur, maybe you need to tell your dad to stop being a "helicopter father". LOL!

p.s. to the poster above...my parents also asked if I'd be getting paid to be a resident...or would I have to pay them. I felt like saying, "Mom, I think I'd go jump off a building if they weren't going to pay me to do residency!".
 
I'm trying to keep my parents as much out of the loop as possible as to where I'm applying, because I really don't trust my dad not to call places without my permission to ask about where I should stay while interviewing, etc (even though I will be making all my own arrangements). Now of course he will find out where I ultimately match, meaning that I'll have to put my foot down around that time, or I can guarantee you that he will immediately call the school without my permission to chat and find out the "safest neighborhoods for his daughter to be living". My plan is to remind him residency is not an extension of school, it is a job, so it would be really out of line for him to interfere and would make me look inept before I even start (I'll leave it to myself to look inept after I start😛).
 
For all the complaints about helicopter parents or those that are overly enmeshed, its not so great on the other side - ie, having parents that are so detached, so self-involved that they cannot remember what you tell them or what you are doing because it just isn't that important to them.🙁
 
Winged Scapula said:
For all the complaints about helicopter parents or those that are overly enmeshed, its not so great on the other side - ie, having parents that are so detached, so self-involved that they cannot remember what you tell them or what you are doing because it just isn't that important to them.🙁
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I'd rather have the latter than the former. Helicopter parents is one type of insanity I just couldn't handle!

My parents have zilch education, so anything to do with education is Martian to them, and I think its great. Yeah, it would have been nice having some guidance early on in my college education, but there are benefits 😀 I.e. when they bug me about what's going with school/applications/etc they're truly clueless and they can't interfere.
 
My parents are generally awesome. They're very laid-back (and Southern... it just ain't our thing to get all hot and bothered about business). I guess they thought I was plunging off the cliff of career suicide and had to intervene.

New York, on the other hand, is the Native Habitat of the helicopter parent, and it has been my great misfortune to observe the species up close throughout my training.
 
i'm an anesthesiology resident. on the phone with my mom today--

"so who actually evaluates you? the surgeons?"
 
Back when I was applying to med schools, my dad told me to apply to Harvard, so I could reject them after I got in, and he could brag to all of his friends that I had the cojones to do such a thing.

It was actually fun picking a specialty (PM&R) that he knew nothing about.
 
I love this stuff. Keep it coming.
 
pillowhead said:
i'm an anesthesiology resident. on the phone with my mom today--

"so who actually evaluates you? the surgeons?"
Click to expand...

Oh no! Could she have been more off base and insulting? :laugh:

Hope you set her straight...I have no interest in evaluating anesthesia residents.
 
LOL. The worst is having to explain " Residency".
Resident of what? lol
 
pillowhead said:
i'm an anesthesiology resident. on the phone with my mom today--

"so who actually evaluates you? the surgeons?"
Click to expand...

oh my god this is so funny.

My mom quoting an MD friend "He thinks it would be great if you went and got your MD after you became a DO".

Oh yeah. I totally want to do medical school ALL OVER AGAIN.
 
Winged Scapula said:
"How long will it take before you get a real job?"
Click to expand...

My favorite, along with:

"When will you be getting paid for all of this?"

I've abandoned the terms "residency" and "resident". People understand "specialty training" better. Not always, but it seems to be less ambiguous.
 
My husband is a non-medical person, and his colleagues' favorite cocktail-party small talk sounds eerily similar to what patients seem to want to know: "So, when will you be a doctor?" Uh, several years ago.
 
Winged Scapula said:
Oh no! Could she have been more off base and insulting? :laugh:

Hope you set her straight...I have no interest in evaluating anesthesia residents.
Click to expand...

pillowhead said:
i'm an anesthesiology resident. on the phone with my mom today--

"so who actually evaluates you? the surgeons?"
Click to expand...

I hate to say this, but in the New World Order of ACGME Competencies and their push for 360 evaluations, I fully expect that anesthesia will evaluate surgery residents and vice versa. Not on medical knowledge or surgical skill, but on professionalism and interpersonal skills. I can't wait!
 
MSHell said:
My favorite, along with:

"When will you be getting paid for all of this?"

I've abandoned the terms "residency" and "resident". People understand "specialty training" better. Not always, but it seems to be less ambiguous.
Click to expand...

I do the same with my acquaintances outside the medical world.
 
I think most peoples have trouble grasping the idea of the match, as BD stated.

My parents and family understood medical school interviews because it's like job interviewing, you do the interview, they give you an offer or not, you compare your offers and pick one.

So I get a lot of "Well, if you get in at both A and B, which would you go to?" type stuff which I have to explain it doesn't work that way.

My parents are pretty hands off otherwise, but they like to keep up on what I'm doing, but some of their questions (as above) aren't answerable because they don't understand teh system.
 
aProgDirector said:
I hate to say this, but in the New World Order of ACGME Competencies and their push for 360 evaluations, I fully expect that anesthesia will evaluate surgery residents and vice versa. Not on medical knowledge or surgical skill, but on professionalism and interpersonal skills. I can't wait!
Click to expand...

The-Simpsons-Mr-Burns-Excel.jpg
 
aProgDirector said:
I fully expect that anesthesia will evaluate surgery residents and vice versa. Not on medical knowledge or surgical skill, but on professionalism and interpersonal skills. I can't wait!
Click to expand...

Our residents may be abrasive at times, but at least we speak English. Regarding the day your interns learn the language of the land aProgDirector: I can't wait!

🙂














For the slow-on-the-draw, I'm just kidding.
For the easily offended, I don't care.
 
this thread is great! i thought i was the only one lol..
my sweet grandma, bless her heart:

she went in to see her IM doc who has followed my prgoress over the years..

IM doc: so how is your grandson doing with everything?

grandma: oh we are so proud he just got board certfied and is going to be a practice resident.

IM doc: just smiles.

so i hear, oh dr gxxx was so proud of you he just smiled and smiled when i told him how you were.

didnt have the heart to tell her why he was really smiling.
oh, btw i am in the match currently. lol..

or the one that really gets me:
why would you do family practice? why not dermatology or plastic surgery?

um..
why are you a nurse? why didnt you just run for president?
 
What kind of doctor are you studying to be?
-An internist.

What's that?
-We specialize in preventative care and diseases of the adult.

Oh, so you're going to be a general doctor.
-Something like that.

Why don't you want to go into a specialty?
-Internal medicine is a specialty. If I want, I can do a fellowship in a subspecialty of Internal Medicine.

Why don't you do a fellowship in Ob/gyn or Pediatrics? Those are nice fields for a woman doctor.
-Those are not subspecialties of Internal Medicine.

Will you get to work a lot in the Emergency room when you are finished. That looks like it would be fun.
-No. Emergency physicians work in the emergency room.

I could keep typing like this for dayss. It seems like the questions never end.
 
You know, helicopter parents can be annoying but ultimately it is up to the child to put a stop to it. Even the most annoying helicopter parent will quit helping you with your life if you just tell them to. They honestly think they are just trying to help. Thus, to me a person applying for residency who has a helicopter parent is more a reflection on the child than the parent. For college aps, it's a different story, the kids are too young to really know the difference.
 
Your parents say these things because they love you, and naturally, even when they know nothing about what you are doing, they know what is best for you. 😀

My dad did this when I went to film school. (he's an orthopod)
He didn't do it when I went to med school or residency. When I mentioned fellowsip/masters, he scratched his head, giggled a manly giggled and just said: okay honey
 
aProgDirector said:
I hate to say this, but in the New World Order of ACGME Competencies and their push for 360 evaluations, I fully expect that anesthesia will evaluate surgery residents and vice versa. Not on medical knowledge or surgical skill, but on professionalism and interpersonal skills. I can't wait!
Click to expand...


Me either. Mostly because I maintain a VERY hefty degree of skepticism about the utility of this! You can't even get the vast majority of attendings to appropriately evaluate their own residents. Most residency programs have to do extensive, continuous faculty training to get useful evaluations back. To simply ask everyone who a resident comes in contact with to do an evaluation has VERY low yield. It sounds great in theory, but the reality? I will maintain my fear.
 
PeepshowJohnny said:
I think most peoples have trouble grasping the idea of the match, as BD stated.

My parents and family understood medical school interviews because it's like job interviewing, you do the interview, they give you an offer or not, you compare your offers and pick one.

So I get a lot of "Well, if you get in at both A and B, which would you go to?" type stuff which I have to explain it doesn't work that way.

My parents are pretty hands off otherwise, but they like to keep up on what I'm doing, but some of their questions (as above) aren't answerable because they don't understand teh system.
Click to expand...

I always just told people, "the match is like computer dating, except you have to marry whoever the computer matches you up with."
 
It doesn't help when your parents are emotionally invested in your getting into a good program. I will soon have to start preparing them for the eventual letdown when their son does not not get into the program of THEIR dreams.
 
Family, non-medical friends: "Why are you so worried about the match? You're brilliant! Of course you'll match!"

Med school buddies: "You're applying to what? ... yeah, you're screwed. Have a beer."
 
I have the opposite of helicopter parents. It's not that they don't care, because they do. Intensely. But they've pretty much been making me deal with my own educational issues since elementary school. Which really wasn't appropriate then, but makes it much easier now to keep them from interfering.
 
One of my favorites...


My BF's mom: So, are you going to do any surgery or pediatric months as a resident?

Me: No. I'm an internal medicine resident. Part of the reason why I chose this specialty was so I would never have to set foot in an OR again. And IM is considered to be "adult medicine", so I won't be treating any kids when I'm done with training.

My BF's mom: Oh, that's too bad. I wanted to hear some cool surgery stories. Why don't you ask to do a surgery month during your residency? And I have a friend who is a pediatrician who will be happy to let you shadow her...

Me: :boom:


We've had this conversation THREE times, and I still don't think she gets it!
 
As I am the only person in the field of medicine in my family - no one had a clue what is going on. They are all big automotive people.

I got them to accept 3/4 year by saying that I needed to see "a little bit of everything" to get in my requirements to graduate. Then I told them that I needed more "OTJ" (on the job training) to be able to be a surgeon.

Of course that prompted: "Why don't you just do your OTJ during medical school so you don't have to do any more afterwards?"

It is so frustrating, I still get "how long is medical school exactly?" from my Dad! And every time I repeat 4 years - he gets confused over what residency is and why I have to do it if I am already going to be a Dr. at the end of Med school. And then he asks why I just can't be a dentist because he likes the dentist he goes to. And he really doesn't understand why Dentists go to Dental school and Dr.'s go to Medical school. "Aren't you all dr's????" grr.
 
"You should become a dermatologist. They have a good lifestyle."

"Go into something which has fee-for-service." -a woman who works in medical billing at my doctor's office

"You should become a plastic surgeon so that you can do my face lift someday." -my mother

"What's a neurologist. Is that like a brain surgeon?"

"After you do neurology, can you do more training to become a neurosurgeon?"

"You shouldn't apply to those East coast programs because you'll end up matching there." (I'm applying to East coast progams as backups and will rank them low. The the old system favored the needs of the programs).

"When you're interviewing at XXX, you should meet with YYY so that he can help you get in." (YYY is my mother's old high school classmate who happens to teach pharmacology in the same city)

"You should ask your uncle to help you get into XXX progam." (my uncle is an assistant clinical professor at XXX program in a different specialty. He has no connection with anyone in my specialty whatsoever and works in a private office 50 miles from the program).

"So you're going to write me scripts for narcotics when you graduate, right?" (a drug-abusing friend with no medical need for narcotics whatsoever. He was shocked and appalled when I refused.)

"What disease can I make up so that I can get medical marajuana" (the same friend-I joked that he should use sciatica...which he used successfully. I cannot believe I unintentionally conspired to help my ridiculous friend).
 
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