Spouse asks: What is it going to be like for me

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MrsLongshanks

MrsLongshanks

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I'm EdLongshanks wife. My husband has been throwing himself into this pre-med stuff, and that's alright with me. That's what he does.

I've heard horror stories of what life is going to be like if and when he gets into medical school and later starts a residency. Are the horror stories accurate or exaggerated? I'd like to have some idea of what to prepare for.

When Ed and I were young, I understood what it was like to stay home with toddlers while Ed worked long hours pounding the keyboard at work. He'd come home after working 2 or even 3 days straight and I had nothing to talk to him about except how many diapers I had changed.

Life is better for us now. In fact, I would say life is really good right now and I am not looking forward to change. But that doesn't mean that I am opposed to him going to school; I understand his desire to expand.

I just want to know what to expect.
 
I think a lot of it will depend on what sort of student your husband is. Will he spend most of his time studying at school in groups, at school alone, or at home? Does he need huge uninterrupted blocks of study time or will he be willing to take a break and spend time with you?

Something else to consider is the money issue. If he was the main breadwinner, how are you both going to be economically? Do you work also or are you going to cut way back and just live on loans for the coming years?

What my husband and I plan on doing for next fall is work out expectations for chores and other responsibilities, and then periodically reassess if I can take on more household things or if I need to do less in order to succeed at medical school. In theory he will be working full-time while I am in school. If I do not get into school anywhere else, he might end up working in a different state or at the minimum three hours away for my first year of school, which presents an entirely different set of issues.

As for residency, yes it is going to be time-consuming and not well-paid. The length and severity of this period is going to depend on his specialty. Family practice will be shorter and less brutal than a concentration in neurosurgery (as in 2-3 years versus 9 years). These will probably also be 60-80 hour work weeks unless he is in an area like pathology which would have minimal call and straight-days sorts of hours.

The important thing is to communicate expectations beforehand instead of being "surprised" when things happen.

Hope that helps a little bit....
 
There were some posts purportedly from Panda Bear's wife a while back. It wasn't pretty, to put it mildly. He switched from an engineering career to med school.
 
sindadel said:
IMSN (International Medical Spouse Network) http://medicalspouse.com/index/
may be a good resource for you.
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The posted link is very insightful. Thanks.

Ed is very excited about his decision, I can't say I share in his joy. However I will support him. But the word "support" is so vague because I'm not sure what it entails.

I can, however, look upon the future as an adventure of two people working together for a common goal.
 
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One thing my husband and I did before I started med school is that we met with an excellent couples counsellor just to establish a relationship before we needed any help. This way, if things start going south, we already have someone we can work with and all the barriers towards deciding to use counselling, finding a counsellor we click with etc. have already been overcome.

I think the whole thing sucks a lot for the spouse, to be honest, and I wish it wasn't such an important thing to me (to become a physician). On the other hand, there does seem to be plenty of time to spend together as long as the med student/resident/physician spouse is firm with his/her limits and makes the time. 🙂
 
What to expect is somewhat variable and you need to be ready to be flexible as things may not go as planned.

A medical student will have long hours of studying the first 2 years. There is some flexibility during this time, but the sheer time commitment is overwhelming at times.

The 3rd and 4th years are going to vary from month-to-month with changes in rotations. Some rotations are office based and have nice hours. Others are early morning to evening with nights of call when you're at the hospital all day, all night, and the next morning.

Throughout med school and residency, something has to give. There's not enough time to give full attention to both family and training. Sometimes one suffers more than the other, hopefully there can be a reasonable balance. Because of the time commitment your husband is looking to take on, he won't routinely be available to take care of things around the house: dealing with kids, paying bills, honey-dos, yardwork, cleaning, etc. Those will fall on to you more than they do now. On top of all of this, your family will take on the financial burden of student loans and losing an income.

I hope that if he gets his goal of a med school admission you can feel more pleased about it than you do now. This is tough enough with an extremely supportive spouse...I can certainly see how a spouse who wasn't keen on the idea in the first place could become very resentful throughout this process.

I don't mean to make this all seem negative, I just want people to have a realistic set of expectations. It isn't all fun, but hopefully the endpoint is worth it. As someone who is now a few months from finishing residency, I can say that my family feels the sacrifices were worth the end result.
 
DrMom said:
I hope that if he gets his goal of a med school admission you can feel more pleased about it than you do now. This is tough enough with an extremely supportive spouse...I can certainly see how a spouse who wasn't keen on the idea in the first place could become very resentful throughout this process.
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I know exactly what you mean. Several years ago I became heavily involved in state and city politics. As a city councilman, some of my time was owned by my constituents - and they used it. My family suffered from my emotional absence. My attempt to download a stepford wife program suffered from hardware failure and my adoring wife never perfected the adoring wife's worshipful look. When I finally resigned, I realized that when politicians who are in trouble resign "in order to spend more time with their family" they are telling the truth. They should have spent more time with the family several years ago, now circumstances force them to take the right step.

There are a couple of differences in medical school and political life that I hope will keep from this happening again. Firstly, my children are grown. She's not changing diapers while I'm hobnobbing with the Governor. Secondly, there are eventual benefits to my family that will accrue because of my medical education. Politics rarely benefit the politician ( and when it does, they usually end up in prison ).

Fortunately, my wife already mows the lawn and takes care of household stuff. The money is going to be the biggest issue and we all deal with that.
 
MrsLongshanks said:
I'm EdLongshanks wife. My husband has been throwing himself into this pre-med stuff, and that's alright with me. That's what he does.
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I want to make sure and clarify if my wife's post makes someone wonder about our relationship. She and I typify the perfect "Mars-Venus" pair. I'm the bull in the china shop and she spends much of her time sweeping up crockery. She has a justifiable and historical fear of my goal seeking. The only one that she ever shared with me was raising perfect children. For the rest of them - the homeless work, the political work, and the career work - she just sighed and followed along behind, cleaning up. She has wiped up the grease from hundreds of briskets that I cooked for the homeless, attended dozens of boring political meetings ( I will never eat chicken thighs again ) cooked for the cities firemen and suffered through many a sleepless night during which I was paged every 30 minutes.

This is what she does. It's just part of the marriage thing. She considers it her duty. But she does not consider it her duty to not complain about it occasionally.
 
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It's fine for the first two years. If he does what he should do, you will see him every night 6-10 just like he works a 8-5 job.

Third and fourth year is going to suck though.

Disclaimer: My school lectures 8-12 M-F.. So we have 5 hours of solid studying that we can do each day before we go home...
 
DrMom said:
my lectures and labs were significantly longer than that. I was not home in the evenings or most weekends during MS 1 & 2.
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Dr. Mom is a resident at the hospital attached to my preferred school, so she is probably closer to my future experience (insert sucking sound).
 
Ed, have you considered schools with a large non-trad population? They might have a built-in support system for Mrs. L. Or, if staying close to home base is a major consideration, maybe you could investigate whether or not the school has a support group for spouses. Mrs. L. could get a heads up about what the situation will most likely be for her should you matriculate at that school--straight from folks who are in the same boat.
 
MS 3 and 4 are the same for everybody. MS3 is mostly busy, and you'll be gone lots of weekends and nights during probably at least half of the year. In MS4, you'll be gone interviewing, but you won't be that busy with school, so you can hang a lot when not out of town, which is really only 3 months of MS4 year anyway. In residency, it depends on what you do. In psych, you're pretty busy first and sometimes second year, but you work closer to 40 hours/week 3rd and 4th year, leaving time for family.

MS1 and 2 are school and study-dependent. My school generally just had lectures in the morning, and our only required lab was gross anatomy, which ended after first semester. We did have occasional group pbl style sessions in the afternoon, but it would still be possible to be home every day by 5. And if you skipped lectures like me, you could conceivably be done studying by 5 if you were organized. We also had block exams, so I was free every weekend except the weekend before exams. It all depends on your school's schedule and how willing (and able) you are to take time off.
 
I hope you have a strong marriage. It's going to be tested for at least seven years, if not longer, in the medical pursuit. This is when people get divorced.
 
1) it all depends on what school you go to. Some schools have a long day, and have the philosophy more is better. Some schools go 8-12 the 1st year, and 8-3 the second.

2) What type of student is he? Is he a Type A, nit-picky, worry over everything student? Yes? Then he is going to be away a long time. If not, then he may realize that school is school, and studying hour after hour after hour can actually diminish your learning capacity.

I took a Med school class for my Ph.D. core curriculum, and compared to Graduate classes, it was one of the easiest I ever took. The classes are not that difficult. I feel like it is more about how a person handles it that makes it hard or easy.
 
What is so hard about the classes? Sure, I will concede there is a ton of information.

I felt like alot of it was like Calculus 2 in practice. Once you knew what integrated to what (memorization), then all you had to do was apply that knowledge to the problem at hand (critical thinking).

I was one of 6 total grad students over the years that took that class, and we all considered it a nice easy go through.

The lectures I teach now are nowhere near complicated at all, and just actually scratch the surface.

I think much of the "hardness" stems from the fact that today's undergrad classes simply do not prepare the med students for an actual real class. The ones that come from Masters programs, or overseas, usually take it all in stride. That's just a general observation and opinion though.
 
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tkim said:
I hope you have a strong marriage. It's going to be tested for at least seven years, if not longer, in the medical pursuit. This is when people get divorced.
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After 22 years, we seem to get along alright. I got my trophy wife on the first round.
 
7starmantis said:
I dont know that I would judge all medical courses in all med schools based on one class you took. however I do agree the volume of material is probably the biggest factor.

That being said, we can disagree 🙂
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My understanding is that schools differ on the in-class time but they are very similar in information volume. I expect a deluge.

I've worked from home now for several years and my wife has gotten used to my constant presence. She doesn't look forward to my absence. You would think that she would be ushering me out the door and suggesting that I eat out and take in a movie afterwards 🙂
 
I'm not married and I am only a pre-med so take my post with a grain of salt.

I would venture to say that since you have been married for 22 years that over that time you know each other very well and have worked out your type of communication pattern. You know how important it is to compromise and how each other respond to stressful situations. Hence you can plan accordingly to the situation now vs. later. This will be crucial to your marriage so it can continue to thrive in med school.

Will you spend less time together? Yes
Does it mean you'll never have a date night or spend some time together? No, you need to schedule in couples time as much as you need to schedule your study schedule.
 
EdLongshanks said:
My understanding is that schools differ on the in-class time but they are very similar in information volume. I expect a deluge.

I've worked from home now for several years and my wife has gotten used to my constant presence. She doesn't look forward to my absence. You would think that she would be ushering me out the door and suggesting that I eat out and take in a movie afterwards 🙂
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Yeah, you're correct lots of schools still go with the 8-5 lecture schedule and some go with shorter. Mine is half days which leaves a lot of self study time, but I like that. I do expect a deluge as well.

I'm really blessed to have such an amazingly supportive wife. She is even working full time right now and I don't have a job 😱 We just moved so people don't want to hire someone for 7 months. But she is so all about the med school idea and is almost more excited than I am. She loves these BBC drama movies so she has filled up her netflix queue with them because I hate them. She says she can watch them all while I'm in med school. :laugh:

Seriously its going to be hard, but its about balance and communication.

beckhunter116 said:
Will you spend less time together? Yes
Does it mean you'll never have a date night or spend some time together? No, you need to schedule in couples time as much as you need to schedule your study schedule.
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This is true, you both just have to agree about it all. The small things could be issues (doing laundry, dishes, "doing the laundry" :idea:, etc). I honestly think a married med student has some advantages (not no disadvantages, just some advantages) to unmarried. Now I guess this depends on the person, but instead of studying till 2am and then having to sit up and wash my scrubs for a rotation, my wife would have been helping and already washed clothes, etc. As long as both people are communicating and making a real effort to help each other (not just a take mentality from the student) I think things will work out ok. I guess we'll see. 🙂
 
7starmantis said:
I honestly think a married med student has some advantages (not no disadvantages, just some advantages) to unmarried. Now I guess this depends on the person, but instead of studying till 2am and then having to sit up and wash my scrubs for a rotation, my wife would have been helping and already washed clothes, etc. As long as both people are communicating and making a real effort to help each other (not just a take mentality from the student) I think things will work out ok. I guess we'll see. 🙂
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I am wonderfully blessed to have one of those traditional wives who don't think that Laundry is a shared responsibility (Please don't murder me, ladies, I didn't say YOU had to be that way, I said that is the way SHE is). So my house duties are nil. I do have to put my own clothes away, but only because I want my underclothes rolled military style and she can't get the knack.

Otherwise, my duties are to make money, study, and talk to/guide the children. I'm reasonably good at this and she is incredibly good at making sure that nothing else comes to my attention.

She does make one reasonable demand. She wants my attention on a regular basis. That is what she is not willing to give away, and, I believe that is the fear she is probably expressing. She may post more about that.
 
EdLongshanks said:
After 22 years, we seem to get along alright. I got my trophy wife on the first round.
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AWWW! How sweet! 😍

It sounds like the two of you met and married when traditional male/female roles were more defined, so if it works for the two of you, who cares if any of the feminist ladies get all uppity about the fact that the Mrs. does the housework. I think that as long as both parties are fine with an arrangement between the two of them, then that's their business. It only gets messy when one party is secretly not okay with it but doesn't speak up, and then resentment starts to fester.

That being said, maybe if you could get a curruculum map or schedule from your dream school and sit down with Mrs. L, you guys could work on a tentative daily and weekly schedule to make sure she has enough couple time. You might have to cut back a little on study time, though.

However, one thing that one of the med students who interviewed me said when I asked him what the hardest thing he had to adjust to in med school was, was this: he was so used to studying a concept with as much detail as is known to man, and in med school you just don't have the time for that level of detail. You just have enough time to memorize the important details and move on. He actually said that he thinks that non-trads may have a slight advantage in this respect b/c we are more apt to recognize the border between "great" and "good enough" and move on because we have other things to do.

So it sounds like the Mrs' requirement for a certain amount of attention might just be your saving grace, if only to make sure you stay sane and balanced throughout the rollercoaster ride.
 
jinx520 said:
So it sounds like the Mrs' requirement for a certain amount of attention might just be your saving grace, if only to make sure you stay sane and balanced throughout the rollercoaster ride.
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I've been saving Ed from himself for several years now. I suppose I will just have to continue doing it.

So, if I understand you. Depending upon which school he goes to, he will be away from home for a good amount of time and be studying for even more hours.

My schedule will have to be the flexible one, but that is no change. I work around him now.

I feel like I did when I was pregnant - desiring and dreading the birth. I know that I will be glad when all of this is over, but I'm not looking forward to the next few years.
 
MrsLongshanks said:
So, if I understand you. Depending upon which school he goes to, he will be away from home for a good amount of time and be studying for even more hours.
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I can't answer directly about med school, but vet school is similar.

I am in class as long as my husband is at work; we both leave around 6am and get home around 6:30pm. I will have the occasionaly short day (lab that doesn't go as long, day where the critters are particularly agreeable, etc.) I personally do not spend my evenings at the school; I found that I study better on my own, with oldies cranked on the radio. Weekends are a bit different; I generally spend 4-6 hours in the anatomy lab at school, and I may have a wetlab (another 4 hours.) I also often have service obligations (wellness clinic duties, trauma team, pathology for environmental issues) or conferences that may consume an entire weekend.

I would say the hardest thing for us has been altering our normal communication style (very relaxed, not so precise/to the point, more intuitive, etc.) to adjust for the time we have available. I know there are moments when I say 'I am so sorry, but I need you to say exactly what you want so I can do it so I can get back to studying.' We spend time together when he is here (not living in another city for work) but we are often both in the same room doing our own thing. He has had to step up to the plate more; I only do my own laundry, I won't pick up after him, I expect him to handle more of the household chores. I also don't bother about all this stuff; I take care of what I need done in my fashion (scheduled, organized) and let him do what he needs for himself. I have learned to be very clear when I need something specific from him, and I send requests via email instead of calling where I convey stress that he could interpret and annoyance. IE if I need him to book the flights to deal with a family member in the hospital, I send that to him in a message.

We also changed how we set priorities. On the last or second to last weekend of the month, we each talk about what are our highest priorities for the next month. If he has an engagement where it means a lot to him for me to attend, if I can do it at all (no clinic requirements) it goes on my schedule. Doesn't matter if it is the night before an exam; I have to plan around it. In exchange, if there is something I need, we get it down then and there. IE I need him deeply occupied the week of finals, we get that info out there and schedule it in. So we are much more organized in that fashion. I do not know how that will change for residency or full clinicals.

As for 'changes' from our former routine...I have always been pretty restless so I never sat around much and hung out. I have given up other things I love like my garden, my business, some friends, some hobbies, and I am still busier than previously, but we still eat together several nights a week, talk daily, and get along. He thinks it is great that he now has time for some of his favorite hobbies, but we do 'miss' each other at times...or miss the 'convenience' of life before school.

Best wishes!
 
It doesn't seem to me given the traditional marriage set-up you have that a medical career will present you with any new challenges. You know about the no/low money for 7-10 years. You know they'll be times when his training will dictate his schedule no matter what's going on in your lives. You know Ed at times will be gone A LOT and barely present mentally/emotionally when he is home. They'll be stretches when it'll be really really lonely, but also stretches when it isn't that bad and you'll have your Ed back. You know that like any relationship communication is key and things shouldn't fester. Given what I gather from the description of the course of your and Ed's marriage I don't think there's anything you haven't seen before.

Honestly, my suggestion is since your kids are out of the house to find your own thing (hobby, career, volunteer/service, whatever) to do. Single med students have to pick up after themselves (laundry, dishes, food) and still excel. Ed's a big boy. He can do it too.
 
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I can tell you my perspective on this, I am NOT in medical school but my girlfriend of almost 10 years is, and is a thrid year now. My situation didn't allow me to move with her either, and yes, I should be married to her, but my situation didn't allow that either🙁 I was invloved in a start-up manufacturing corporation, myself and two family members. We would see each other about every 6 weeks, lucky for me I had no one to tell me when I could leave to see her. We had a 4 hour flight inbetween us. It was difficult during those 2 years, but things worked because we both wanted them to and we both were busy. During the breaks she would study, when I was visiting she would study, Christmas, yeah she would study, but would always make time at night or on the weekends to go out for a couple of hours. I think it will depend on how your husband takes to the course work, it's very difficult and very time consuming. He may get down at times too, because med students freak each other out, everyone wants to know how much everyone else is studying, I personally think some people lie, but that's my take on it, everyone wants to be on the top, all type As. I now live with my girlfriend, and I am jobless since my company took a turn for the worst after people got greedy(don't start a business with family members), that business is still going on, but I am not part of it. She's always been supportive of me and I feel I have been too. I had some really bad times and she was always there for me. Now that I am jobless and living with her I do as much as I can to make her life easier, make dinner, drive her to her rotations when I can, wash clothes, do dishes, shop, clean, I am like the ultimate Mr. Mom without the kids. Her days are different for each rotation, a usual day for her goes like this: up at 4:30am, she studies, eats breakfast, and then gets to her rotation at 6:30am, each one is different, but the trend is she works about 10 to 12 hours a day. Then she gets home, I cook dinner, she studies, she takes a break to eat and we watch TV for 30mins and then she starts studying again until around 10pm and then the cycle repeats, the weekend comes and we spend about 4 hours doing something fun, or going out to eat or get some shopping done together.

The crazy thing is I am now seriously debating going into the field of medicine. I am thinking of Podiatry, or PA school, possibly allopathic medicine, but I wasn't nearly as good of a student as her, and all I can say is she is supportive of me with whatever path I go down, Medicine or McDonalds, it wouldn't matter.

Feel free to ask me any questions if I didn't answer any concerns you have.
 
nontradfogie said:
Single med students have to pick up after themselves (laundry, dishes, food) and still excel. Ed's a big boy. He can do it too.
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What? What? What? Pick up my own clothes? Horrors! I'm hyperventilating just thinking about it. Help! Help! I need some valium. I'm having a panic attack. Mooooooommmmmmmyyyyyyy
 
MrsLongshanks said:
I'm EdLongshanks wife. My husband has been throwing himself into this pre-med stuff, and that's alright with me. That's what he does.

I've heard horror stories of what life is going to be like if and when he gets into medical school and later starts a residency. Are the horror stories accurate or exaggerated? I'd like to have some idea of what to prepare for.

When Ed and I were young, I understood what it was like to stay home with toddlers while Ed worked long hours pounding the keyboard at work. He'd come home after working 2 or even 3 days straight and I had nothing to talk to him about except how many diapers I had changed.

Life is better for us now. In fact, I would say life is really good right now and I am not looking forward to change. But that doesn't mean that I am opposed to him going to school; I understand his desire to expand.

I just want to know what to expect.
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Hello,

Married over 15 yrs w/2 kind of young kids; started school this past fall.

So far it's been OK for spouse & I; living an hour from school + putting high priority on family has meant I'm passing everything, but not with "honors" which is different from all previous schooling. I've got a separate place in the house to study when needed; it works best for me to study for, say 1/2 hr, take a few minute break, then back to studying, so I do see spouse + kids a lot. At my school, 3rd yr. is supposed to be really tough, 4th yr much less so.

There are a group of us oldsters that don't talk grades and have non-school related important things, there are also a group of "school is everything" students which is cool. The material is so massive that it's not enough to be smart, it also requires lots and lots of hours to synthesize everything.

My typical hours during the week are 4 hrs in class, around 3 hrs reviewing what was covered in class, and around 3 hrs previewing what will be covered the next day. Weekends are slower/available for catchup.

One aspect that's important to my spouse is that after I'm done with this path, spouse can retire if she choses, or work at something she enjoys that may not pay much, and our kids' college and our retirement will be well funded. I'm not looking at neuro or some other hyper-time intensive field where people regularly work until 9-10pm and don't see their family much; my likely specialty will be dictated in part by how reasonable the post-residency hours will be. Just learned that some hospitalists (internal med) work seven 12 hour days and then have seven days off; there are a number of fields that allow reasonably short hours after residency training. So much of this does not have to be as horrible, after training, as one might suspect.
 
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