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It does not sound like you got very much out of the relationship other than "not being alone". Thi also sounds like the sort of person who might do your career harm. Stay away. You should have broken off the friendship once they badgered you then stopped reciprocating.

find some friends outside school.
 
enter_and_escape said:
"They/Them/Their" is used so that privacy can be maintained but it's actually just one person.

So I recently got out of an abusive friendship. My therapist advised me to do so and labeled the friendship as such. That person, while not 100% bad, would often make me believe that I am inferior to them and that spending time with/ running errands for them is more important than anything, even more so than studying for shelf or board exams - like they would ask me to pick up food for them while I am at home and then would use the excuse "I thought we are friends" when I refuse. Then, being the weak person that I am, I obliged. There were many other examples where I was called names and was mocked for trying to get honors on some rotations (they would bring up rotations where I did not perform so well or where the attending gave me a hard time and would rock my confidence).

But it reached a breaking point. We are both MS4s and are both applying for the same specialty. A few months ago, while we were applying for sub-I's, they forced me to share the places that I was applying and where I got accepted. I gave it to them, no questions asked (dumb on my part). But when I asked about their places, they would only say that they got 3-4 places and that some of them were quite good, never revealed where they were applying or where they got accepted. Fine by me. It's their life after all. Then I happened to get accepted to the same place as them. I initially wasn't going to apply to that place because I thought my Step 1 score wasn't good enough but I noticed several of my classmates were getting accepted there so I tried my luck. Anyway, so my friend found out and exploded in anger, called me a "villain" who tried to ruin them. I told them I wasn't coming after them and I just applied there whimsically and I got lucky. I just shrugged it off, even thought it hurt. 🙁

A few days after, I figured out how to get in contact with one of the hospitals that is not so easy to reach. That hospital didn't have a page for students so a lot of people didn't know how to apply. So I applied, updated my list on google sheets, and my friend saw it. They wanted to know how to apply to that hospital. By then, they already had four sub-I's lined up and their schedule was all full. I had only two sub-I's at that point. So I refused to give that information to them, not because out of jealousy; but I felt like I shouldn't be helping a person who just labeled me a villain and called me names out of spite just a few days ago, completely disregarding everything I did for them in the past. They got so angry that they were literally screaming at me on the phone and told me they wish I fail my board exams and butcher my sub-I's. I was very sad afterwards, and was having ideations to hurt myself so I set up an appointment with my therapist, who said I needed to get out of that friendship, which I did.

All of this happened several months ago. I am no longer in touch with that person. I have a history of mental health issues and came from a dysfunctional family. So, I really appreciate my friends in general, and especially that person, since we got really close over 3 years of medical school. I am doing much better now mentally. And I know that the friendship wasn't helping me feel safe or grow as a person but occasionally I feel sad, and sometimes wondered if I did the right thing, and what could have happened if I just gave them the information that they wanted.
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Get down on your knees and thank God for your therapist and for the strength to say goodbye to that awful person. Also, never call yourself weak. We are who we are because of the life we've lived. You said you came from a dysfunctional family. It could be that you need help in redefining healthy relationships, which is something your therapist can help with. Usually, when we get into these types of friendships/relationships, it's because of the experiences we've already had, not because we're weak.
 
Thank you for being so supportive, everyone. Yes, while I feel sad time to time, I know and keep telling myself that it's for the best as this person has been taking advantage of me. While I wasn't the perfect friend and while I also made some mistakes, I know for a fact that I am not the first friend that they lost (a similar event happened with another classmate but that classmate was smart enough to call it quits at the first incident) nor will it be last. I am going to take this as a life lesson, move on, and grow.
 
Sterling_Archer said:
I'm sorry that you went through all of that. Losing a friend is hard, but it sounds like it is for the best in this case. Good luck on your Sub-I's, you'll rock it!

Also, 4 away rotations seems like a bit much.

And I'll just leave this here. Narcissistic personality disorder - Wikipedia
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My therapist said the same thing - that this person is narcissistic.

I actually find a lot of medical students tend to be more narcissistic. It was actually an eye opener when I started third year rotations. In the first two years, everyone was collaborative but third year was totally different. it doesn't help that there were also students from other schools. But there are also nice, helpful, and understanding students who just keep my hope alive that medicine is not a cold, dark world.

But all of this was a good life lesson for me. I used to believe that medical students have made a lot of sacrifices and therefore they must be really compassionate and empathetic to other people, especially to each other. Boy, I was wrong.
 
enter_and_escape said:
My therapist said the same thing - that this person is narcissistic.

I actually find a lot of medical students tend to be more narcissistic. It was actually an eye opener when I started third year rotations. In the first two years, everyone was collaborative but third year was totally different. it doesn't help that there were also students from other schools. But there are also nice, helpful, and understanding students who just keep my hope alive that medicine is not a cold, dark world.

But all of this was a good life lesson for me. I used to believe that medical students have made a lot of sacrifices and therefore they must be really compassionate and empathetic to other people, especially to each other. Boy, I was wrong.
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I am so sorry for what you've been through. I also come from a dysfunctional family and I have had toxic friends. PM me if you wanna chat! I would PM you but your settings are private!
 
You did the right thing. You went into medicine to help others, and if your peer(s) are abusive, they need to be cut out because they won't be helpful to you, the team, or any patients. It can seem hard especially if you have time invested, but sometimes people don't really reveal who they are until years into the friendship or relationship. These are the hardest relationships to cut, but the ones that have to severed the most.

If it continues to bother you or keep you up at night, you should get some professional help with it. Remember that the stigma of getting help with mental health is reduced every time a medical student, resident, or physician actually goes to get help.
 
forumname1 said:
You did the right thing. You went into medicine to help others, and if your peer(s) are abusive, they need to be cut out because they won't be helpful to you, the team, or any patients. It can seem hard especially if you have time invested, but sometimes people don't really reveal who they are until years into the friendship or relationship. These are the hardest relationships to cut, but the ones that have to severed the most.

If it continues to bother you or keep you up at night, you should get some professional help with it. Remember that the stigma of getting help with mental health is reduced every time a medical student, resident, or physician actually goes to get help.
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I've been meeting with my therapist every 2 weeks or so; I used to have to meet every week but I got better and now just meeting every other week. I was fortunate and was able to find someone who's willing to meet virtually and at odd hours like evenings/nights or weekends. I am grateful that she is able to accommodate my sub-I schedule because my school therapist works only 9-5 M-F.
 
Agree with everyone else. That person was not a friend. Narcissistic people don’t view people as friends, just tools to get what they want. You were a thing and when you stopped behaving, they got angry. You are MUCH better off without them.

Thank God for that therapist. I’m so sorry you had to go through that and I hope you can just move forward and be stronger because of it.
 
enter_and_escape said:
"They/Them/Their" is used so that privacy can be maintained but it's actually just one person.

So I recently got out of an abusive friendship. My therapist advised me to do so and labeled the friendship as such. That person, while not 100% bad, would often make me believe that I am inferior to them and that spending time with/ running errands for them is more important than anything, even more so than studying for shelf or board exams - like they would ask me to pick up food for them while I am at home and then would use the excuse "I thought we are friends" when I refuse. Then, being the weak person that I am, I obliged. There were many other examples where I was called names and was mocked for trying to get honors on some rotations (they would bring up rotations where I did not perform so well or where the attending gave me a hard time and would rock my confidence).

But it reached a breaking point. We are both MS4s and are both applying for the same specialty. A few months ago, while we were applying for sub-I's, they forced me to share the places that I was applying and where I got accepted. I gave it to them, no questions asked (dumb on my part). But when I asked about their places, they would only say that they got 3-4 places and that some of them were quite good, never revealed where they were applying or where they got accepted. Fine by me. It's their life after all. Then I happened to get accepted to the same place as them. I initially wasn't going to apply to that place because I thought my Step 1 score wasn't good enough but I noticed several of my classmates were getting accepted there so I tried my luck. Anyway, so my friend found out and exploded in anger, called me a "villain" who tried to ruin them. I told them I wasn't coming after them and I just applied there whimsically and I got lucky. I just shrugged it off, even thought it hurt. 🙁

A few days after, I figured out how to get in contact with one of the hospitals that is not so easy to reach. That hospital didn't have a page for students so a lot of people didn't know how to apply. So I applied, updated my list on google sheets, and my friend saw it. They wanted to know how to apply to that hospital. By then, they already had four sub-I's lined up and their schedule was all full. I had only two sub-I's at that point. So I refused to give that information to them, not because out of jealousy; but I felt like I shouldn't be helping a person who just labeled me a villain and called me names out of spite just a few days ago, completely disregarding everything I did for them in the past. They got so angry that they were literally screaming at me on the phone and told me they wish I fail my board exams and butcher my sub-I's. I was very sad afterwards, and was having ideations to hurt myself so I set up an appointment with my therapist, who said I needed to get out of that friendship, which I did.

All of this happened several months ago. I am no longer in touch with that person. I have a history of mental health issues and came from a dysfunctional family. So, I really appreciate my friends in general, and especially that person, since we got really close over 3 years of medical school. I am doing much better now mentally. And I know that the friendship wasn't helping me feel safe or grow as a person but occasionally I feel sad, and sometimes wondered if I did the right thing, and what could have happened if I just gave them the information that they wanted.
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I am so sorry to hear you went through this! Sounds like a lot!
I had an abusive friendship in medical school too. When I came as a m1 I knew no one-and met this guy who had local (non-med school) friends he'd want me to hang out with. It turned out this guy and his friends were creepy, tried to assault me, constantly made creepy comments about me... the guy even once admitted his goal was to "get me laid"...and when I tried to break away from this group, the guy did not take no for an answer...tried to instigate me against my real friends... and when I still refused, began to falsely accuse me of things, spread rumors about me, etc. I still broke away-it took strength esp with all the retaliation going on but today I'm happier for it.
4 years sounds like so long to go through what you went through, and I'm really sorry. You are doing a good thing breaking away from them-this is not a friendship IMO-not at all. Friends might, without wanting to, hurt each other but this is clearly intentional.
 
I had to deal with a friend exactly like this. Cut her out of my life this year, and could not be happier!
 
As everyone else said. There was never a friendship. Don’t waste your time even reading any more comments, talking or thinking about this person. I would even suggest you lock this thread to keep from being tempted to talk about them again— like a breakup that you keep talking about over and over and chewing on cud— rumination can be just as destructive as the breakup. Cut it out like a tumor and go enjoy your life.
 
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