31, Family of 5, Dreaming of Becoming a Physician

[CodeMonkey]

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Hi everyone,

I’m 31 year old man, turning 32 soon, married, and have two young kids with a third on the way. I’ve had a career in software engineering for nearly a decade, but have been disillusioned with my career for quite a while now. Since my first child was born via C-section 3 years ago, I’ve felt increasingly drawn toward medicine as a career, and specifically becoming a physician.

For all intents and purposes my current career is dead. I make around $170K, but I've lost all interest or curiosity in the field, so a career change of some sort is a necessity.

Here’s my current situation:

• I have a non-science background; so I'd have to take all the prerequisites. I've been looking at doing a DIY post-bacc at community colleges.
• I’m the sole breadwinner right now, and my wife is understandably concerned about the risks, especially with another child on the way. She would have to go back to work eventually if I went down this path.
• I’m self-studying for the MCAT to get my feet wet, and I've been trying to find clinical volunteering opportunities but so far have been rejected from 2 hospitals. I'm doing non-clinical volunteering with the Red Cross.
• I also have some concerns about ageism in medicine. Will I be seen as too old by adcoms, or by the time I reach residency?
• Financially, I’d be relying heavily on loans if I pursued this path, and that feels like a huge risk.

Despite all that, I still feel drawn to this path. But, I’m afraid I’ll chase this dream and drag my family through financial instability only to end up burned out or rejected. I know many people on SDN have walked unconventional paths or know those who have. I’d really appreciate any wisdom, encouragement, or hard truths.

• Has anyone else here made this leap in their 30s, with a family?
• How did you make it work?
• What regrets or rewards have you seen from similar transitions?
• Am I completely delusional?

Thanks in advance for reading. I really appreciate any insights you’re willing to share.

 

[Mr.Smile12]

How many doctors have you shadowed so far?

 

[CodeMonkey]

How many doctors have you shadowed so far?

Zero. I have no connections currently. Trying to figure out how to approach that.

 

[Mr.Smile12]

Zero. I have no connections currently. Trying to figure out how to approach that.

Obviously, I think it's critical that you have conversations with physicians (even those you and your wife are friends with) about how to approach your interest in medicine and whether your thoughts would be feasible given your family situation. You may get a lot of insight from them about how much financial pressure it would put on you and your family. You might get a lot of support. Hopefully you'll get chances to know what a life of a doctor is like in today's day and age (post-COVID) and how it might evolve over the next few years.

 

[Crayola227]

So, the key is to make sure you're more running TO medicine, not from a career you're bored in.

Avoiding boredom in a well paying career with a spouse that can stay at home, to take on the burdens and difficulties of medicine...

If this doesn't call you to it like a priest, like, you don't have a passion for science where you can't shut up about it, and a passion for working with people on the worst day of their lives, you're not hugely fulfilled by caring for people as an applied scientist, obviously people will point out plenty of docs don't fit that mold, but it does make it harder for me to recommend the pathway to most.

That said about a calling, as well at some point medicine is a job and comes with a huge amount of tedium and administrative burden. The passion I mentioned is what makes it worth it, docs without it are often made miserable by those things without the counterbalance.

No offense, but I often find it telling in these posts, generally when people give their "why" they're giving their top reasons. You mentioned boredom in a current career. That's not enough as it stands.

That said, you can start the pathway, and one of the benefits is discovering more for yourself.

You have the added issue of spouse. Given what this pathway entails for your family, I can't recommend it if your wife isn't willing to be 100% supportive, so supportive it's like she herself is going to school with you. Don't listen to anyone who acts like there is separation here like if you just went back to college for a degree or changed jobs to be an accountant or something. If you go you are dragging her along for a ride only slightly less difficult than yours. Long hours, almost single parenting for a lot of the time, eating dinner alone, putting kids to bed alone, going back to work on top of becoming almost a single parent, the lion's share of all household chores, paying bills, emotional labor like buying and wrapping birthday presents alone, you missing holidays and games, limited vacations and trips, going to weddings alone, the list goes on and on, for the better part of a decade. You will not be a peach - you will be tired, stressed, and often not fully able to support your spouse emotionally. Your sex life will likely suffer. Not to mention post-residency attending life. A lot of marriages don't survive. So you have to at least go in with 100% buy in on her end, and no rosy glasses for the best chance for you both. It will be worse if you sell her a bill of a better picture and the reality doesn't match, she could feel lied to and resentful. The resentment for all I mentioned is a challenge no matter what anyway, don't make it worse with less than realistic expectations. Some couples will feel the sacrifices are worth it and willing to do it happily for the other person and the family, and it's not a problem that way. So the issue is the sacrifices are what they are, no doubt, just people react differently to them.

As to the rest of your questions, none of that stuff matters nearly as much as, can you cut it grade/numbers-wise, have you done the homework, explored being in a caretaker role, is this really for you, and can you put your family through it and is it fair. Only you guys know and can figure it out.

I know I seem negative. But I want to challenge you, I want you to ask the right questions. That's the only way to come to a correct conclusion, be it yay or nay.

 

[CodeMonkey]

So, the key is to make sure you're more running TO medicine, not from a career you're bored in.

Avoiding boredom in a well paying career with a spouse that can stay at home, to take on the burdens and difficulties of medicine...

If this doesn't call you to it like a priest, like, you don't have a passion for science where you can't shut up about it, and a passion for working with people on the worst day of their lives, you're not hugely fulfilled by caring for people as an applied scientist, obviously people will point out plenty of docs don't fit that mold, but it does make it harder for me to recommend the pathway to most.

That said about a calling, as well at some point medicine is a job and comes with a huge amount of tedium and administrative burden. The passion I mentioned is what makes it worth it, docs without it are often made miserable by those things without the counterbalance.

No offense, but I often find it telling in these posts, generally when people give their "why" they're giving their top reasons. You mentioned boredom in a current career. That's not enough as it stands.

That said, you can start the pathway, and one of the benefits is discovering more for yourself.

You have the added issue of spouse. Given what this pathway entails for your family, I can't recommend it if your wife isn't willing to be 100% supportive, so supportive it's like she herself is going to school with you. Don't listen to anyone who acts like there is separation here like if you just went back to college for a degree or changed jobs to be an accountant or something. If you go you are dragging her along for a ride only slightly less difficult than yours. Long hours, almost single parenting for a lot of the time, eating dinner alone, putting kids to bed alone, going back to work on top of becoming almost a single parent, the lion's share of all household chores, paying bills, emotional labor like buying and wrapping birthday presents alone, you missing holidays and games, limited vacations and trips, going to weddings alone, the list goes on and on, for the better part of a decade. You will not be a peach - you will be tired, stressed, and often not fully able to support your spouse emotionally. Your sex life will likely suffer. Not to mention post-residency attending life. A lot of marriages don't survive. So you have to at least go in with 100% buy in on her end, and no rosy glasses for the best chance for you both. It will be worse if you sell her a bill of a better picture and the reality doesn't match, she could feel lied to and resentful. The resentment for all I mentioned is a challenge no matter what anyway, don't make it worse with less than realistic expectations. Some couples will feel the sacrifices are worth it and willing to do it happily for the other person and the family, and it's not a problem that way. So the issue is the sacrifices are what they are, no doubt, just people react differently to them.

As to the rest of your questions, none of that stuff matters nearly as much as, can you cut it grade/numbers-wise, have you done the homework, explored being in a caretaker role, is this really for you, and can you put your family through it and is it fair. Only you guys know and can figure it out.

I know I seem negative. But I want to challenge you, I want you to ask the right questions. That's the only way to come to a correct conclusion, be it yay or nay.

Thank you for taking the time to write such a detailed and thoughtful response. I appreciate the challenge.

You're right in that my initial post didn't explain much as to why I want to pursue medicine, instead of simply running from my current career. You're right to call that out, and to be honest, I'm still trying to figure that out. But a career change of some sort is needed, since my current one is at a dead-end. The genesis of my fascination with medicine began with the birth of my first child. I was in the OR for the C-section and I had the realization that one hour in a doctor's life is more meaningful than everything I've done in that past decade of my career.

Right now, it’s not that I feel some divine calling to medicine in the way you described. It’s more that medicine is the only career I can see ahead of me that feels both deeply meaningful and high-impact enough to justify the sacrifices it would take to pursue it. I've had some decent success in tech, but I'm not proud of it. The idea of spending the rest of my life optimizing advertising click-through rates or building software in general makes me feel like I’m wasting my life.

Truthfully, I don't currently have some overwhelming passion for biochemistry or the human body. I do enjoy science. My favorite courses in high school were chemistry, biology, and anatomy. What draws me to medicine fundamentally is the ability to reach into people's lives at some of their most vulnerable moments, and make a positive impact that could change the course of their lives. I don't yet know if medicine is the right fit or feasible for me, but that's why I'm here asking questions.

Regarding family, I completely agree with you. My wife and I have had many conversations about what this path could mean, and we would not be going into this blindly. She's cautious but supportive if we both believe it's the right move. I will not be dragging my family into this until I've put in the work and confirmed for myself that I'm running to something real and not just trying to escape my current situation. That's why I'm particularly frustrated at the moment at my inability to find a clinical volunteer position or shadowing opportunity.

Thanks again for the honesty.

 

[Crayola227]

Thank you for taking the time to write such a detailed and thoughtful response. I appreciate the challenge.

You're right in that my initial post didn't explain much as to why I want to pursue medicine, instead of simply running from my current career. You're right to call that out, and to be honest, I'm still trying to figure that out. But a career change of some sort is needed, since my current one is at a dead-end. The genesis of my fascination with medicine began with the birth of my first child. I was in the OR for the C-section and I had the realization that one hour in a doctor's life is more meaningful than everything I've done in that past decade of my career.

Right now, it’s not that I feel some divine calling to medicine in the way you described. It’s more that medicine is the only career I can see ahead of me that feels both deeply meaningful and high-impact enough to justify the sacrifices it would take to pursue it. I've had some decent success in tech, but I'm not proud of it. The idea of spending the rest of my life optimizing advertising click-through rates or building software in general makes me feel like I’m wasting my life.

Truthfully, I don't currently have some overwhelming passion for biochemistry or the human body. I do enjoy science. My favorite courses in high school were chemistry, biology, and anatomy. What draws me to medicine fundamentally is the ability to reach into people's lives at some of their most vulnerable moments, and make a positive impact that could change the course of their lives. I don't yet know if medicine is the right fit or feasible for me, but that's why I'm here asking questions.

Regarding family, I completely agree with you. My wife and I have had many conversations about what this path could mean, and we would not be going into this blindly. She's cautious but supportive if we both believe it's the right move. I will not be dragging my family into this until I've put in the work and confirmed for myself that I'm running to something real and not just trying to escape my current situation. That's why I'm particularly frustrated at the moment at my inability to find a clinical volunteer position or shadowing opportunity.

Thanks again for the honesty.

If it gives you hope, I know for similar reasons (not feeling like what they did mattered) someone who went from an extremely successful and lucrative position as 3rd in line to being CEO of a huge corporation (you'd know it) to med school at 40. They are very happy they made the switch. They didn't have a family at the time but started one in training. The issue with age has more to do with being tired and mentally slowing a bit. But tempered by having greater maturity, experience, and workplace experience. So age isn't the big hurdle.

I hope if you get more experience with the subject matter your interest science will grow. Have to always keep perspective we are applied scientists and science is not just how we get there, it's what we do. Continuing education.

It's important to shadow to see what a doctor's day is actually like, but of equal value is the "sniff test" where you do memory care, elder caregiving, work with homeless, substance users, mentally ill. Wipe butts and rub shoulders with the dregs of humanity, get to smell them. Most doctors end up with folks like that a lot in their career.

SDN has strategies for getting inroads with shadowing doctors. It can help if you have a resume and can list some things on it that shows you're serious.

 

[esob]

It is possible, certainly. I know many non-trads who did it just fine. But, as previously noted, it has to be something you can't live without. A common adage on SDN is that "if you can't do something else, you should." There was a time when I thought that was just jaded old doctors, but I quickly realized that the process and even the destination are things that, without proper motivation, are unlikely to be successful. I've bought lottery tickets for most of my life whenever the jackpot gets big. It used to be fun thinking about how grand life would be if I had egregious amounts of money. I realized the other day that I haven't bought a ticket in years, and I think that's because I wouldn't do anything different. I doubt I will ever retire unless someone forces me to. If you feel that way about becoming a physician, the journey will not be an obstacle; it will simply be scenery to navigate.

 

[HuskyMD Emeritus]

My opinion is based on the limited information you provided....... If your inspiration to become a doctor is based observations made during an emotional event (such as birth of your child) of just one hour, then you really need to spend much more time in a clinical setting observing what doctors do on a daily and even hourly basis. It is often very mundane and tedious. Even high stakes neurosurgical procedures, those lasting over 10 hours, can be extremely boring. For excitement, such as in the trauma bay or in the ICU, it's usually because something awful is happening and the patient, more likely than not, dies (ER, Greys Anatomy, The Pitt and all the other shows are for entertainment).
For people making adequate money, but find their career dead ends, you can always keep working and use the money you make to fund your passions.
I don't mean to discourage you from pursuing medicine as a career, just want you to look closely and make the right decision for you and your family.
I have been a doctor longer than most of you have been alive. My daughter is a doctor. I have absolutely no regrets and would chose this path again without any hesitation.
Good luck.

 

[Goro]

Before anything else, you need to:
1) shadow doctors to see what a doctor's day is like, and how different doctors approach the practice of medicine.
2) do some volunteering with patients. You need to know what you're getting into, and also understand that you're going to be dealing with people like this for the next 30 to 40 years. A number of them will not be nice people either.