4 years apart??

[labellefille]

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I'm a non-trad (27), and I only got into one med school far away from where my fiance is living. I'm kind of bummed, and have thought about re-applying to try to be closer, but I've gotten all kinds of negative feedback about this. It looks like re-applying after an acceptance looks terrible.

Originally it looked like he would be able to move with me, but now he's stuck in NYC because his son has just started treatment for a medical problem and understandably, he doesn't want to leave. He supports me going to school, and I understand why he can't follow me, but it is hard.

I really don't want to go so far away, but it looks like I may be risking any chance I have of a medical career if I don't.

Any ideas how to make this work. Has anyone spent this kind of time (4 years) apart? I feel bad because I've already been away for several months for my Master's degree research, and it has been difficult. 4 years seems like forever. I also want to think about having a family at some point, and don't want to put it off indefinitely.

Any advice or help would be greatly appreciated. I want to be excited about starting med school, but at the same time I'm not looking forward to 4 years apart.

 

[ucsfstudents]

There is no good solution here. Many relationships don't survive medical school, so even if you do reapply, there are no guarantees. Trust your instinct and make the decision based on what is most important to you. Good luck!

 

[ShyRem]

Being apart sucks. been there, under different circumstances and not for med school. It will either strengthen your relationship or show its weaknesses.

Go to med school and apply for transfer after first or second year.

 

[morning]

This is obviously a tough situation and I don't want to be dismissive, but I really think you should matriculate. You have no idea how circumstances might arrange to allow you and your fiance to live together again after you get into medical school, but you DO know that if you don't go to medical school you probably aren't going to get back in.

 

[MiniMoo]

Go to med school and apply for transfer after first or second year.

I think it's somewhat difficult to secure a transfer, but not impossible. Another option to look into.

 

[hippocraticoath]

I'm a non-trad (27), and I only got into one med school far away from where my fiance is living. I'm kind of bummed, and have thought about re-applying to try to be closer, but I've gotten all kinds of negative feedback about this. It looks like re-applying after an acceptance looks terrible.

Originally it looked like he would be able to move with me, but now he's stuck in NYC because his son has just started treatment for a medical problem and understandably, he doesn't want to leave. He supports me going to school, and I understand why he can't follow me, but it is hard.

I really don't want to go so far away, but it looks like I may be risking any chance I have of a medical career if I don't.

Any ideas how to make this work. Has anyone spent this kind of time (4 years) apart? I feel bad because I've already been away for several months for my Master's degree research, and it has been difficult. 4 years seems like forever. I also want to think about having a family at some point, and don't want to put it off indefinitely.

Any advice or help would be greatly appreciated. I want to be excited about starting med school, but at the same time I'm not looking forward to 4 years apart.

Don't go to medical school then. It's 4 years apart and residency is even worse. If you're not willing to live apart for that long, then withdrawl and do go to medical schol.

 

[ShyRem]

Can be difficult, but not impossible. If they get married, then it would be her son with a serious illness. I don't know how they would look upon fiance's son. But it's worth asking.

 

[lovemesomeTJ]

Don't go to medical school then. It's 4 years apart and residency is even worse. If you're not willing to live apart for that long, then withdrawl and do go to medical schol.

Residency may be more grueling in some respects, but I think it would be easier to get a residency in NY than to re-apply to a limited number of schools in New York that will question your desire given that you were given ample opportunity and gave it up because it wasn't to your exact liking.

OP, say your hubby-to-be is in Manhattan, and you get into Syracuse. Won't it still be a long distance relationship? Not as bad, but you'll still be apart.

You've got to determine the sacrifices you're willing to make. No matter what you do, whether you go to Tulane or you re-apply and by chance get into a NY school, there will always be challenges because medical school is demanding, and draining, and trying on any relationship, be it friendship or marriage.

 

[Velocity]

Any ideas how to make this work. Has anyone spent this kind of time (4 years) apart? I feel bad because I've already been away for several months for my Master's degree research, and it has been difficult. 4 years seems like forever. I also want to think about having a family at some point, and don't want to put it off indefinitely.

Any advice or help would be greatly appreciated. I want to be excited about starting med school, but at the same time I'm not looking forward to 4 years apart.

First off, congratulations on your acceptance! I'm sorry that two joyous things in your life (medical school acceptance and being engaged) only serve to create stress on you.

Some relationships can survive separations seemingly with ease. It depends on the people. A labmate of mine has been separated from her husband and daughter for almost a year now; it's hard on her, but even before this she did her PhD in a foreign country (her daughter was with her, I believe, but her husband was not). I don't know what their family situation is like, but they're still together and I don't hear any complaints. If I were separated from my wife I think we'd both be miserable...

There are two potential "saving graces." The first is that medical school will keep you very busy. You'll probably be busy enough that you won't have much time to dwell on the separation, and before you know it medical school will be over and you'll be back together. The second thing is that at some schools, for your third and/or fourth year rotations you can go somewhere physically distant from the school. At that point you could choose somewhere close to your fiance.

But as I mentioned above, it all depends on the people involved and the dynamics of the relationship. People like to say that relationships in general don't survive medical school, but don't let that get you nervous. As long as both people understand that they need to be extra accommodating of each other (which they'd ideally be doing normally, anyway) and still show the other that they love and care for them, things are likely to be fine. My wife is finishing up her second year of medical school, and while she's been more stressed and less free than she was in undergrad, the relationship hasn't felt strained. I understand that it's temporary and that she needs to focus most of her time on her studies; she understands that because of my research I often don't get home until an hour or two before she's ready to go to bed. We speak openly about things, and try to tackle various chores and such together. We're arguably lower-maintenance than some couples, but if both people really care to keep things going and keep their partner happy, what can really stand in their way? (For my part, I'm a believer of the 'happy wife, happy life' philosophy She's my #1 priority!)


What it all boils down to: if I were in your position, I'd take the acceptance and matriculate. See about transferring. If you can't transfer, then see about doing as many third/fourth year rotations near your fiance as you can. If you can't, then definitely try to get a residency position near him. At the same time, I'd imagine that once his son's medical condition clears up (which could be shorter than four years) he'll try to move closer to you, too.

Finding (and keeping) "the one" arguably requires more luck and work than getting into medical school. If I had to choose between my wife and a career, I'd choose my wife. However, in a relationship things can be pretty flexible - unfortunately, medical schools aren't nearly as flexible. So try to flex the relationship as much as you can, knowing that it's temporary. If the relationship really starts to suffer, it'll be time to make a decision: is the relationship really strong enough to last for life? If you still think it is, then you could take a year off to mend it. Not an ideal situation, but this doesn't have to be a "have your cake and eat it too" scenario (which is to say, this is not a case where you're wishing for two things that can't happen simultaneously). It'll be hard on you and your fiance, but it's do-able.

Best of luck.

 

[riverjib]

Velocity said it best, but I'll put in my $.02 anyway. Congrats on your acceptance. Now ask yourself this: however much you love your fiance, would you regret it if you didn't get a local acceptance next year? Or the year after that?

You're only 27, so time is on your side, but what if this is your best shot? Medical school may experience a downturn eventually, but at the moment, it's highly competitive, and getting more competitive each year. My lab mate has published a first-author paper, earned a 3.93, and got a 34 on his MCAT. He didn't apply until August, and so far has two interviews: one US MD, and a DO school he applied to literally two weeks ago. His top choice school actually told him he was top on the list of would-be interviewees (I saw the email) but he applied a minute too late. Granted, he probably would have his choice of med schools if he applied even a month earlier, but I think it says a lot that an excellent applicant is tempted to take whatever he can get right now, because even if he applies this June, the stakes might be that much higher.

I intentionally timed my application cycle for this year so that wherever I get in, my fiance can come with me next year. He graduates in May 2011, and he will be in a position to work wherever we go. If he was graduating any later, I would have applied for the 2010 cycle and just hoped it would work out. I love him with all my heart, but I don't want to resent him for a choice he didn't force me to make.

Best of luck to you. I'm really sorry that one of your greatest accomplishments is tempered by such a tough decision. I don't know what I'd do, but I'd look into my options. It sounds like you're a fantastic applicant with compelling reasons for deferring your admission, so maybe that's a possibility? Maybe you can defer for a year, apply next cycle, and see where the cards land.

 

[Savage Henry]

Any ideas how to make this work. Has anyone spent this kind of time (4 years) apart?

I had a five year relationship that was mostly long distance due to me being in the military.

Here are some lessons you can learn the easy way, straight from a guy who learned 'em the hard way*:

You can definitely do it as long as both of you work at it. It's a gamble you'll probably regret no matter what you do, so you might as well give it a shot. In my opinion, the two things that help the most are regular communication and a definite end date to The Distance**.

If you don't communicate, jealousy will creep in. Jealousy breeds emotional neediness, and from that cheating (emotional or otherwise) stems. Make an effort to communicate - set aside time every day to talk on the phone, send a text when you're busy but miss your SO, etc. If you go out with friends, call when you get home and are going to bed. Set some ground rules about communication and stick to them.

Have a plan for when The Distance will end. Also, plan out times when you will be together and stick with that plan. A long distance relationship feels okay as long as you can think to yourself "This sucks right now and I miss my GF/BF, but at least it's only 161.7 days until we're together forever" etc. It's the nebulous, undefined, maybe someday we'll be together crap that will kill your relationship.

*Hard Way - I came back from a 12 month deployment and she was 6-7 months pregnant with Sumdood's baby. So maybe you shouldn't be listening to me after all.

** The Distance is capitalized on purpose. After awhile, you will come to regard The Distance as a skilled adversary, like some metaphorical ninja waiting to bloodily eviscerate your relationship and leave it dying alone in the gutter. Treat The Distance with respect, or you will regret it for a long, long time.

 

[riverjib]

Excellent writing, Savage. Ouch. But you illustrate a great point: nobody can tell anybody what distance will actually do to any relationship. You can only hope (once you make the decision) to learn from those who made it work, and equally from those who didn't make it work.

 

[FrkyBgStok]

the beginning will be incredibly hard, but it will get easier as time goes. however, understand that saying you can do it, and actually doing it are much much different, and you need to tread lightly. take it from savage. look what he came home to. not to rub it in savage just trying to make a point.

i am a truck driver for a freight company. my position takes me over the road throughout the week. i leave monday and get home sat or sun. it is hard on my wife and 3 kids but we make do. she trusts me and i trust her. my situation is not exactly like yours however this is the industry i am in, and i see it all the time. literally, ALL THE TIME. people completely dedicated to each other don't last. and these are good people.

I know over the road trucking and medical school are not the same, however it is still being gone. And frankly, I have watched it ruin far too many families than i wish to see. all i can hope for is to be into another position before the damage is irreversible. But make no mistake, there will be damage.

I really hope you the best and while it ruins a lot of families, it doesn't ruin all. so it is very possible to make it work. i hope you and your fiance can get on the same page 100% and make it work, because i would definitely take the acceptance.

 

[sumstorm]

My husband and I are currently living 3.5 hours apart. Everyone talks about how hard this must be, but really, it works, and it isn't as bad as our previous careers. At first, when we started living together, I was working out to sea 3-6 weeks at a time. When I did get home, after that many weeks working 20 hours on, 4 hours off, I slept most of the week before I went back out to sea. While at sea, no communication, lots of danger. He will say that was far worse than now. When I finally changed jobs (started my own business, in NYC) he was working for a 3-letter company that owned him. On a moment's notice, they would send him across the world to consult. And he could be gone that day, with unknown return dates (3 days, 3 months, who knows?) I found this incredibly stressful. I couldn't even consider making plans. He was sent out the day after we wed, I was left with canceling our honeymoon. Stress!
So now, he is working a regular job for the same money. I am at school. We don't live together, but at least we each have an idea of where the other will be each evening! For us, this distance isn't easy, but it is doable. We talk briefly every day, with longer conversations over the weekend. We plan time for each other on vacations. Actually, for me, it works well, because I have time to focus on school without neglecting him and the vagaries of his career aren't affecting me (he is in a data security in finance) and I am insulated from much of his career stress while still able to lend a sympathetic ear. For him, it means he doesn't lose sleep or bear the brunt of any of my stress and frustration of returning to school (challenging) with youths that are clueless and entitled (not all youths, but enough.)
Here are some questions: was the child coming with you all? If so, then it can be worked into the plans over time as you become familiar with the medical systems and opportunities. If not, the change is the medical care. What will be the end date? That might direct some decisions. One thing to ask yourself is how much does this really change your and his plans? As much as it may be painful, if the child wasn't/isn't coming with, there was always a chance that the father will want to remain with his child (it is probably just as difficult to live apart from one's child as one's fiancé.) I am sure from your post you understand this. If this is the case, you applied to this school understanding that there was a risk of moving off on your own.
I wouldn't turn down the opportunity, because I believe in your mind you knew there was a possibility of going there, alone or with a partner, and you were ok with that. I think you need to find the space where you applied to that school with that potential risk, and use that to move forward, while working with your fiancé to develop a plan that will work for both of you and his child. 4 years sounds long, but it isn't impossible, and there is potential for holidays and such together, on a known schedule.

 

[DrSmooth]

I agree with what EVERYONE has said. You got only one acceptance. You really have to take it if becoming a doctor is important to you. Also, realize that both you and your fiancee are making choices here. You could choose to stay in NYC and pursue another health-related career. He could choose to move with you to Tulane and commute home to support his son (assuming his son does not live with him). But you are both making choices based on what is most important to you, and that's okay. If your future choices and values align with each other, then your relationship could work out. If they continue on different trajectories, then in reality it will not.

I know a relationship like this involves a lot of emotions and cannot be looked at so objectively, it's hard. But statistically speaking, your chances of successfully completing med school are significantly higher (95+%) than having a successful marriage (40% if at least one of you has been married previously).

To give your relationship the best shot possible, stay connected. You need to try to bring him into (and he needs to want to be a part of) your med school experience and he needs to bring you into his son's treatment and the other parts of his life. Strong relationships are built on shared meaning and experience. If you stay connected and make it through the next couple years, your relationship will be stronger as a result. Come up with a plan ahead of time of how you will stay connected. Use skype, frequent trips to see each other (and he better as he77 come to your white coat ceremony), t/sexting etc. And take care of yourself. Exercise, sleep, eat well, find a good group of friends, etc. But again, you are both making a choice and you need to be ready to charge ahead if things don't work out. Good luck and hang in there!

 

[kristieb1]

You don't have a ring on your finger. If the man hasn't even proposed then your best interest is to matriculate to that med school that accepted you and hope for the best with the relationship. But don't let him influence you when he hasn't even proposed.

If you two were engaged then I'd say see if he'd be willing to move to the location of your med school after a year or two, or after his son is doing better.

I still say either way, GO TO MED SCHOOL. You worked so hard to get that acceptance. If your relationship is strong enough you guys will stay together.

 

[Velocity]

You don't have a ring on your finger. If the man hasn't even proposed then your best interest is to matriculate to that med school that accepted you and hope for the best with the relationship. But don't let him influence you when he hasn't even proposed.

If you two were engaged then I'd say see if he'd be willing to move to the location of your med school after a year or two, or after his son is doing better.

I still say either way, GO TO MED SCHOOL. You worked so hard to get that acceptance. If your relationship is strong enough you guys will stay together.

Just a note, she referred to him as her "fiance" which implies that they are engaged 🙂 Boyfriend --> Fiance --> Husband

 

[ShyRem]

And lots of engagements break up. If you're not married, there's no real commitment there.

 

[DrSmooth]

And lots of engagements break up. If you're not married, there's no real commitment there.

By that logic, there's no real commitment in marriage either, since a lot (60% in the case of 1st remarriages) break up. Dating is a step of committment, as is engagement, as is marriage.

 

[lovemesomeTJ]

Just a note, she referred to him as her "fiance" which implies that they are engaged 🙂 Boyfriend --> Fiance --> Husband

In her other thread, she said she was "thinking about getting engaged." So really, I'm still confused on this one.

 

[Bernoull]

I'm a non-trad (27), and I only got into one med school far away from where my fiance is living. I'm kind of bummed, and have thought about re-applying to try to be closer, but I've gotten all kinds of negative feedback about this. It looks like re-applying after an acceptance looks terrible.

Originally it looked like he would be able to move with me, but now he's stuck in NYC because his son has just started treatment for a medical problem and understandably, he doesn't want to leave. He supports me going to school, and I understand why he can't follow me, but it is hard.

I really don't want to go so far away, but it looks like I may be risking any chance I have of a medical career if I don't.

Any ideas how to make this work. Has anyone spent this kind of time (4 years) apart? I feel bad because I've already been away for several months for my Master's degree research, and it has been difficult. 4 years seems like forever. I also want to think about having a family at some point, and don't want to put it off indefinitely.

Any advice or help would be greatly appreciated. I want to be excited about starting med school, but at the same time I'm not looking forward to 4 years apart.

Long distance relationships are very tough but not impossible to maintain. I had an INTERNATIONAL relationship for about 3 yrs and the key, for us, was frequent, open communication and 1-3 visits/yr. We also tried not to lose perspective (this separation is tough, temporary but it's the best option at this point etc).

This is a tough call because ur education is important but then again u want to be with him through his son's condition. Personally, I would go to school except if the son's condition is, god-forbid terminal; in which case I'll look into 1yr deferral. If the son's prognosis is good, I'll enroll and try to visit as much as possible...

Tough situation, but talk it through and decide what's best and most sensible.

Best of luck!!

 

[dotdash]

I agree with the others -- you should go to school. Your fiance(?)'s first responsibility it to his son. But for you, it's too much to for-sure give up your med school slot for a not-entirely-sure-thing with a man who (legitimately) has bigger priorities elsewhere. Even if you postponed a year, something else might come up. Or you could break up. Making big sacrifices is for the married-and-totally-committed, not for the maybe-engaged-to-a-man-with-other-priorities.

(And I'm not saying you should force him to give up his commitment to his son, not at all -- just act in a way that accepts that commitment.)