a sticky situation re: LOR

[riemannzeta]

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Let me start by saying that I am a frequent poster who is embarrassed by this situation and *hiding* so don't flame me please---

So there is this professor in a department that I take many classes in. I was first in his class a couple of years ago. He's a very young Ph.D, maybe 30-ish, and I'm a non-trad- I was 23 when I first met him. I loved the class, went to office hours often and ended up talking to him all the time. That semester, I asked him to write me an LOR when the time came and he agreed.

OK, now here's the sticky part: I always thought he seemed really awkward around me but figured he was just a typical math/physics nerd. I didn't assign any importance to it until one day I made some comment about something, and he sort of turned red and started babbling a mile a minute and then said, "I'm so sorry... I always seem to say the stupidest things around you!" The worst part is, my response was "awww, what a cutie." Yep, that's when it hit me: we are both CRUSHING. I could tell a bunch more anecdotes about catching each other doing the dopey gaze and smile + quickly look away thing, etc. etc.... but you get the idea.

Earlier on, he had revealed that he is married but his wife is currently away because she is in grad school. Her school is in a nearby city but requires them to be apart all week and some weekends. So it's kind of the perfect storm.

Let me be clear: no one (me nor him) was ever inappropriate or overtly suggestive, and of course I have enough sense not to pursue anything with a married man, let alone a professor. But now that it's time to gather my LOR's, I'm wondering if it's a good idea to use his?

 

[Caffeine Junkie]

Let me start by saying that I am a frequent poster who is embarrassed by this situation and *hiding* so don't flame me please---

So there is this professor in a department that I take many classes in. I was first in his class a couple of years ago. He's a very young Ph.D, maybe 30-ish, and I'm a non-trad- I was 23 when I first met him. I loved the class, went to office hours often and ended up talking to him all the time. That semester, I asked him to write me an LOR when the time came and he agreed.

OK, now here's the sticky part: I always thought he seemed really awkward around me but figured he was just a typical math/physics nerd. I didn't assign any importance to it until one day I made some comment about something, and he sort of turned red and started babbling a mile a minute and then said, "I'm so sorry... I always seem to say the stupidest things around you!" The worst part is, my response was "awww, what a cutie." Yep, that's when it hit me: we are both CRUSHING. I could tell a bunch more anecdotes about catching each other doing the dopey gaze and smile + quickly look away thing, etc. etc.... but you get the idea.

Earlier on, he had revealed that he is married but his wife is currently away because she is in grad school. Her school is in a nearby city but requires them to be apart all week and some weekends. So it's kind of the perfect storm.

Let me be clear: no one (me nor him) was ever inappropriate or overtly suggestive, and of course I have enough sense not to pursue anything with a married man, let alone a professor. But now that it's time to gather my LOR's, I'm wondering if it's a good idea to use his?

Did you let things become akward? 🙄

 

[RingTailedDoc]

Let me start by saying that I am a frequent poster who is embarrassed by this situation and *hiding* so don't flame me please---

So there is this professor in a department that I take many classes in. I was first in his class a couple of years ago. He's a very young Ph.D, maybe 30-ish, and I'm a non-trad- I was 23 when I first met him. I loved the class, went to office hours often and ended up talking to him all the time. That semester, I asked him to write me an LOR when the time came and he agreed.

OK, now here's the sticky part: I always thought he seemed really awkward around me but figured he was just a typical math/physics nerd. I didn't assign any importance to it until one day I made some comment about something, and he sort of turned red and started babbling a mile a minute and then said, "I'm so sorry... I always seem to say the stupidest things around you!" The worst part is, my response was "awww, what a cutie." Yep, that's when it hit me: we are both CRUSHING. I could tell a bunch more anecdotes about catching each other doing the dopey gaze and smile + quickly look away thing, etc. etc.... but you get the idea.

Earlier on, he had revealed that he is married but his wife is currently away because she is in grad school. Her school is in a nearby city but requires them to be apart all week and some weekends. So it's kind of the perfect storm.

Let me be clear: no one (me nor him) was ever inappropriate or overtly suggestive, and of course I have enough sense not to pursue anything with a married man, let alone a professor. But now that it's time to gather my LOR's, I'm wondering if it's a good idea to use his?

It's a difficult situation. While your relationship may have become somewhat awkward personally, you would hope he would remain professional when writing you the LOR. It will come down to whether you trust that he can. Furthermore, I think it depends on what the basis for you asking him for a LOR is - were you an excellent student and he can comment on your intellectual abilities? Or were your chats mostly about your personal lives and not the information presented in class? If it's the latter, I would advise against using his letter.

 

[riemannzeta]

Maybe a little. I really like him as a person and a professor as well, so I still love when we get a chance to chat. But I know that when we do, I occasionally catch myself with a big goofy grin. He's a little less subtle in the way that he does stuff like stapling his finger (ouch!) and accidentally knocking stuff over, blushing, etc. But it is to the point that other students kind of nudge each other and laugh about it or good naturedly joke with me about his crush on me... I've never heard anyone suggest to my face that I have a corresponding crush. I don't know if I'm better at hiding it or if people are just too polite to say such a thing in front of me.

 

[mountainhare]

OP, I honestly don't see how your story is at all relevant to the question of whether you should request a LOR from him. I mean, it's a cool story, bro, but... If you think he will write you a glowingly positive letter, ask for the letter. Otherwise, don't. The only caveat is: if you do end up asking for a letter, make sure the letter is in the mail fast before the precarious dynamic between you two has time to go downhill. At this point, things don't seem to have gone downhill yet (i.e., he hasn't made any moves on you or tried to blackmail you or anything, and you haven't done anything to embarrass yourself), so asking for a letter now shouldn't hurt.

 

[Caffeine Junkie]

Maybe a little. I really like him as a person and a professor as well, so I still love when we get a chance to chat. But I know that when we do, I occasionally catch myself with a big goofy grin. He's a little less subtle in the way that he does stuff like stapling his finger (ouch!) and accidentally knocking stuff over, blushing, etc. But it is to the point that other students kind of nudge each other and laugh about it or good naturedly joke with me about his crush on me... I've never heard anyone suggest to my face that I have a corresponding crush. I don't know if I'm better at hiding it or if people are just too polite to say such a thing in front of me.

You're clearly not a gunner or you would exploit this into the best LOR anyone has ever recieved. Anyways, you should just ask while you still have a good rapport with him.

 

[riemannzeta]

Didn't mean to go off on a tangent, just trying to get some objective advice on something I can hardly be objective about, myself.

I don't doubt he'll write me a positive letter. I just worry that it will be tinged with cutesiness. I don't know him well enough to vouch that he will be able to detach himself completely.

hehehe, yup, for gunners, this is the stuff dreams are made of!

 

[Torr]

You're clearly not a gunner or you would exploit this into the best LOR anyone has ever recieved.

Lol.

You read my mind

 

[soundnin]

please explicitly define "sticky" in all its details

 

[Sesom]

I would use his letter for sure. You are just being awkward.

 

[riemannzeta]

🤣Soundnd, I WISH!!!! Oh, sorry... *resumes professional and conservative pre-med exterior*

 

[StudyShy]

please explicitly define "sticky" in all its details

Like hag fish slimy? j/k 😉

I wouldn't use it if he liked me in that way because I would feel like I was using him even if I really wasn't. It is a tricky situation.