abusive advisor

[VntAct]

---

Members do not see this ad.

Longtime member being anonymous for this thread
My advisor has escalated from being difficult to psychologically abusive. I'm in my fourth year, so I'm close to done, but it's having a severe effect on my wellbeing. My situation with this professor is not unique, just extreme. I've attempted to discuss what's going on multiple times (diplomatically and carefully) over the years with only short-term improvements. Switching advisors is not an option and an official complaint would be very unwise. I've done what I can to try and change the situation. I'm in therapy about it. I'm wondering if anybody has any suggestions on internal coping strategies for advisor abuse or experience on how long it takes to recover once you're graduated.

 

[AcronymAllergy]

A friend of mine going through a similar situation basically just ended up finding an "ally" in another professor on campus with whom they had a positive relationship so that they felt at least somewhat supported their last year. The recovery seemed to be fairly immediate as soon as this person left campus for internship. Beyond that, unfortunately, I don't know if I have much else to offer, other than to say that this seems to happen far too often in all fields of doctoral study.

 

[LisaLisa86]

Longtime member being anonymous for this thread
My advisor has escalated from being difficult to psychologically abusive. I'm in my fourth year, so I'm close to done, but it's having a severe effect on my wellbeing. My situation with this professor is not unique, just extreme. I've attempted to discuss what's going on multiple times (diplomatically and carefully) over the years with only short-term improvements. Switching advisors is not an option and an official complaint would be very unwise. I've done what I can to try and change the situation. I'm in therapy about it. I'm wondering if anybody has any suggestions on internal coping strategies for advisor abuse or experience on how long it takes to recover once you're graduated.

Do you have anyone else in your lab who you can trust? (Past or current). If so, it might be helpful to talk to them about it. They may have had very similar situations/reactions with this advisor, and may have come up with some ideas for dealing with it or coping strategies. Even if not, it might help to know it's not just you and that other people are dealing with the same thing. Without too much information, it's hard to give you specific advice.

 

[CheetahGirl]

My advisor has escalated from being difficult to psychologically abusive. I'm in my fourth year, so I'm close to done, but it's having a severe effect on my wellbeing.

I'm wondering if anybody has any suggestions on internal coping strategies for advisor abuse or experience on how long it takes to recover once you're graduated.

Since you are a 4th year (with much more experience working w/ clients than say a 'first year'), could you possibly begin to weigh-in this person by his/her specific symptomatology, i.e. anxiety, depression, narcissist, borderline, or any other personality-disorder, etc.? If so, it may be helpful to start treating this advisor as a problematic, symptomatic patient, like you would view an abusive patient that you are determined to treat and not refer out. Here is a perfect example of developing some CBT techniques w/ your therapist to ambush your intrusive thoughts about the situation to differentiate between the scholarly advice given by this advisor's expertise and the abuse that has very little to do with you but makes you a 'victim or survivor,' (depending on your viewpoint) out of the situation. I hate to be crude, but this is also how you develop thick skin.

I had an abusive supervisor once (during employment, not doctoral training) and I just viewed him as my disgruntled sibling. He came from a large family and so did I, so it was fitting. I even calmly stood up for myself (and our fellow employees) and he developed respect for me after the first confrontation. (He came into our clinic threatening to fire all of us if we didn't get all the patients out of the office on time. Later, when things had quieted down, I went to him and told him he can't threaten his employees' livelihoods like that b/c it was disrespectful and upsetting. He actually changed the tone of his tirades after that.) And remember for this type of situation, you hit when the iron is cool (not when it is HOT).

Like LisaLisa86, I can't say more unless I have specific details. But this is how I would approach it if I felt I HAD TO endure the abuse in order to fulfill my goals. Horrible state to be in, but you must make sure this ass doesn't beat you down and you come out on top.

I wish you luck!

 

[chman]

It is really too bad that there people like this in the profession (and there seems to not be a shortage of them, which is quite frightening). It really is a helpless feeling to rely on someone for advancement who is abusive, or even just unwilling to give you a helping hand when you need it. Sometimes all you can do is bide your time and find allies where you can. You also could keep a record of specific interactions just in case..

 

[PHD12]

I don't think the default should be "develop coping skills to deal with it," especially if it is pretty abusive. You can argue that this response will continue to encourage the "bullying" more.. At the very least, you should be keeping a record of interactions (especially emails from him). When you need to graduate/defend your dissertation, he may stand in your way even more so you may want to document interactions. In addition to finding a faculty ally (like others suggested), I would consider speaking to the department chair/director of training about this in confidence. I know several people who spoke to the DOT about advisor situations and found it helpful in the end. This will obviously depend on your department and whether the DOT is reasonable and will advocate for students. I know for a fact that some faculty members have advocated for students in the past when their advisors were unreasonable and abusive.

I also have had the experience (like cheetah girl) that when i'm honest and assertive, the unreasonable person often respects me more and reduces his/her maladaptive behavior. It works pretty much all the time for me.

 

[CheetahGirl]

You also could keep a record of specific interactions just in case..

I agree.

I don't think the default should be "develop coping skills to deal with it," especially if it is pretty abusive. You can argue that this response will continue to encourage the "bullying" more.. At the very least, you should be keeping a record of interactions (especially emails from him). When you need to graduate/defend your dissertation, he may stand in your way even more so you may want to document interactions. In addition to finding a faculty ally (like others suggested), I would consider speaking to the department chair/director of training about this in confidence. I know several people who spoke to the DOT about advisor situations and found it helpful in the end. This will obviously depend on your department and whether the DOT is reasonable and will advocate for students. I know for a fact that some faculty members have advocated for students in the past when their advisors were unreasonable and abusive.

This should have been my first response as well, in hindsight. But as you're working up the courage to tell your DOT, you could entertain a new coping strategy. I wholeheartedly agree to actively putting a STOP to bullying. It's problematic for everyone involved, and can serve no purpose other than to intimidate and harm. No one needs that kind of motivation. Abuse is never OK. ~Speaking from past childhood experience of being bullied by older siblings and elementary school kids. I turned out okay, in response to the OP's question about how long it will last. This is part of the process of graduate school. You'll keep what experiences you want and shed those that stifle your "ego-strength," in dynamic terms.

To the OP, how long the distress of the aftermath lasts is up to you.

 

[erg923]

and an official complaint would be very unwise.

You are in therapy because of your adviser's abusive behavior and you think its unwise to use the due process given to all students at a university? For goodness sake man, stand up for yourself.

 

[VntAct]

Thanks for the encouragement! 👍 Hearing that other people have had the same situation and made it out is encouraging. Remembering and utilizing the positive supportive relationships I have with other professors and supervisors is something I should and will do more. Other students have absolutely had similar problems with this advisor and we've done a full case conceptualization. 🙄 I did stand up for myself and talk about it. That's why my situation is extreme. I'm generally all about proactive and discussion which has worked great in the rest of my life. This professor doesn't have the esteem to hear anything and doesn't do discussion. Just lots of nasty barbs and put downs. And slowing down progress. Good researcher though. And an excellent manipulator! You'd think that students could go to the DCT or other authority figures in the program when there's problems right? Students have been going to ours for years and years about different things and he just dismisses us. There's no official complaint ladder and students who stick to trying to change things usually regret it. It's ugly. But all very subtle stuff. We do have good career stepping stones and training though! Maybe if lots of students got together something could change, but everyone's pretty beaten down. I'm not going to try and lead the revolution. Not worth it. There's a price to pay for trying to change things and my wallet's a little thin. Submitting is the choice I'm making now. I'm paying for that too, but it's cheaper. Not ideal and it's embarrassing, but embarrassed is better than the alternatives

 

[Therapist4Chnge]

APA acred. requires programs to have a defined system to hear grievances. I know it sounds very David & Goliath w your program, but you need to be heard. Your program, your university (or APA) if not.

 

[Rivi]

Thanks for the encouragement! 👍 Hearing that other people have had the same situation and made it out is encouraging. Remembering and utilizing the positive supportive relationships I have with other professors and supervisors is something I should and will do more. Other students have absolutely had similar problems with this advisor and we've done a full case conceptualization. 🙄 I did stand up for myself and talk about it. That's why my situation is extreme. I'm generally all about proactive and discussion which has worked great in the rest of my life. This professor doesn't have the esteem to hear anything and doesn't do discussion. Just lots of nasty barbs and put downs. And slowing down progress. Good researcher though. And an excellent manipulator! You'd think that students could go to the DCT or other authority figures in the program when there's problems right? Students have been going to ours for years and years about different things and he just dismisses us. There's no official complaint ladder and students who stick to trying to change things usually regret it. It's ugly. But all very subtle stuff. We do have good career stepping stones and training though! Maybe if lots of students got together something could change, but everyone's pretty beaten down. I'm not going to try and lead the revolution. Not worth it. There's a price to pay for trying to change things and my wallet's a little thin. Submitting is the choice I'm making now. I'm paying for that too, but it's cheaper. Not ideal and it's embarrassing, but embarrassed is better than the alternatives

I know that feel (*e-hug*). I had a Ph.D. research advisor with a longstanding history of manipulative, and abusive behavior. This individual would initially act very kind, laid back, etc. to gain your trust and learn about your self-doubts and insecurities. Later down the line, this individual would then put an insane workload on you and bring up your self-doubts and insecurities to try to manipulate you into doing the workload. It was very "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde."

I believe that this advisor selected to work with me because I come across as passive and didn't seem that I would put up a fight (this certainly does wonders for my self-confidence). Fortunately, this individual was fired before it got bad for me, after a student reported this individual for an unethical act that couldn't be disputed. A lot of students had to suffer through this, and it was really appalling how little insight this individual had into their behavior.

As others have suggested, I would advise you to keep records of everything. You can always file a complaint or seek legal action after you graduate if you do decide to follow-up with that.

 

[Doctor Eliza]

I had the misfortune of being tangled up with two severely disturbed advisors in grad school. I made it out, but not without some scars. I was the primary reason I opted not to go into academia. But now I have my degree and that's what mattered.

I wonder about how impossible it is to switch advisors to someone more...sane. Are you using this prof's data or project for your dis? What are your career goals? Since I changed my mind on academia and was collecting my own data, I ended up switching to a smart, good hearted prof who knew little about my topic but wanted me to get my degree.

PM me if you want to talk more openly.

Best,
Dr. E

 

[CheetahGirl]

Not ideal and it's embarrassing, but embarrassed is better than the alternatives

Don't be embarrassed. Be applauded for your resourcefulness, get that degree, and get the Hell out of Dodge.

Last thing: It's sly, but sometimes necessary...you can anonymously report things to APA. It may jeopardize the APA-standing of your program should they decide to stand behind this professor, but you can keep that idea in your toolbox.

 

[LivingOffLoans]

Lots of great advice above. I hope you take it. Just be careful how you advocate for yourself!

Please know you are not alone, and many of us have gone through similar things. I still deal with issues leftover from the psychological abuse I endured from a supervisor.

Stay in therapy,speak to a lawyer (just in case), distract yourself with your studies, and take good care of your health (sleep, diet, no drugs/alcohol), and document everything (there may come a day when you need it).

 

[Phipps]

I know that feel (*e-hug*). I had a Ph.D. research advisor with a longstanding history of manipulative, and abusive behavior. This individual would initially act very kind, laid back, etc. to gain your trust and learn about your self-doubts and insecurities. Later down the line, this individual would then put an insane workload on you and bring up your self-doubts and insecurities to try to manipulate you into doing the workload. It was very "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde."

I believe that this advisor selected to work with me because I come across as passive and didn't seem that I would put up a fight (this certainly does wonders for my self-confidence). Fortunately, this individual was fired before it got bad for me, after a student reported this individual for an unethical act that couldn't be disputed. A lot of students had to suffer through this, and it was really appalling how little insight this individual had into their behavior.

As others have suggested, I would advise you to keep records of everything. You can always file a complaint or seek legal action after you graduate if you do decide to follow-up with that.

I too wonder about changing advisors...having an advisor who is, most of the time, not available, not responding to emails, etc. - a procrastinator, if you will; so far, I reached out to other faculty but, lately, thought about addressing this issue with faculty in order to see how feasible it might be to switch advisors.

 

[fresnel]

"you can anonymously report things to APA" Sadly I don't think this is correct. APA won't act on anonymous complaints. And honestly, APA does very little but protect itself first and the program second-even in the face of egregious conduct. I heard of one situation where the conduct that drove a complaint was evident to most people (although never acknowledged as purposeful) and where there was significant support and a long history-with the same complaint reported over several accreditation reviews. The program's response is to further punish the person filing the complaint even though there is no question in anyone's mind that the complaint was truthful. And while APA did indicate the program had problems it did not acknowledge that the complaint expressed was one of them. I heard of a program where something like 6 students left the lab of a faculty member-all the same week. He was known to be abusive to colleagues and students although known and acknowledged are different. I think the PR for the reason for the exodus of the 6 or so women is "change of interest." Hush Hush. And that a reason to be very careful about your choice of programs!

 

[CheetahGirl]

"you can anonymously report things to APA"

Ok. An APA representative in the legal department lied to me then (about a completely unrelated issue). 🙁 They did discuss how it would jeopardize the standing of the program if a compliant went further. Not that I was complaining...I was calling for a friend. 😉

Thanks for setting this straight.

 

[fresnel]

Cheetah Girl, I think I'm correct. Not 100% but 99.9999...pretty sure. Also, APA doesn't want to deal with complaints. It is a dinosaur of a organization and has allowed egregious conduct to persist in situations where people have filed formal complaints using their full information. No, a complaint won't impact on accrediation. I imagine they said that to discourage you from filing. Most grievance mechanisms are really designed to protect the institution-you give them evidence, they tweak their abuse/egregious conduct enough to ensure they have little liability in the event of a law suit, knowing you can't afford to protect yourself anyway so little change is needed-then they punish you for complaining. What a system! That is certainly true for the grievance systems in the university I work-one I'd recommend to everyone to avoid if I could do so anonymously-to avoid further punishment. I'd be grateful if I were an applicant if I were warned and I'd be pretty annoyed to be encouraged to go to the university by faculty members unwilling to be truthful. But the closest I can come is to advise students to look at certain factors in the programs that they are considering. It isn't just the program I know best that suffers from certain things that have potential to make student life miserable. So, general advice may be more helpful than program specific advice. Anyway, I've seen no evidence that those working for APA have any motivation to correct egregious conduct within programs. Sad but true.

 

[CheetahGirl]

Cheetah Girl, I think I'm correct. Not 100% but 99.9999...pretty sure. Also, APA doesn't want to deal with complaints. It is a dinosaur of a organization and has allowed egregious conduct to persist in situations where people have filed formal complaints using their full information. No, a complaint won't impact on accrediation. I imagine they said that to discourage you from filing. Most grievance mechanisms are really designed to protect the institution-you give them evidence, they tweak their abuse/egregious conduct enough to ensure they have little liability in the event of a law suit, knowing you can't afford to protect yourself anyway so little change is needed-then they punish you for complaining. What a system! That is certainly true for the grievance systems in the university I work-one I'd recommend to everyone to avoid if I could do so anonymously-to avoid further punishment. I'd be grateful if I were an applicant if I were warned and I'd be pretty annoyed to be encouraged to go to the university by faculty members unwilling to be truthful. But the closest I can come is to advise students to look at certain factors in the programs that they are considering. It isn't just the program I know best that suffers from certain things that have potential to make student life miserable. So, general advice may be more helpful than program specific advice. Anyway, I've seen no evidence that those working for APA have any motivation to correct egregious conduct within programs. Sad but true.

Fresnel, you're busting my nuts (so to speak), and I don't have the time to call the APA (anonymously) right now. Everything I knew and trusted about the APA could be wrong. Oh well. It could be good armamentarium to just "believe" you can do something...like report anonymously...so you don't have to feel like you have to put up with anyone's crap in the moment.

 

[fresnel]

Cheetah Girl, I could be wrong.

 

[LisaLisa86]

Every school should have an internal process for dealing with complaints and issues, and it should be a process that protects you for coming forward, as well as one that handles it confidentially. If it isn't laid out in a handbook or the director of your program isn't aware of one, the students should push for your school to develop one ASAP. You don't have to say exactly what the issues are at this point.

If there is a process in place, follow it. While it will be tough, in the long run you will help yourself, other students, and the program as a whole.

 

[paramour]

Every school should have an internal process for dealing with complaints and issues, and it should be a process that protects you for coming forward, as well as one that handles it confidentially. If it isn't laid out in a handbook or the director of your program isn't aware of one, the students should push for your school to develop one ASAP. You don't have to say exactly what the issues are at this point.

If there is a process in place, follow it. While it will be tough, in the long run you will help yourself, other students, and the program as a whole.

There may be a process "on paper" to cover their arses. Doesn't mean they'll listen, give a ****, or do a damned thing about it. Some people just don't give a flying flip.

 

[MCParent]

Cheetah Girl, I could be wrong.

I've tried to help people work through the process of filing complaints with APA and it certainly seems to me that the APA process is designed to discourage anyone actually completing the complaint process. They throw up a huge number of roadblocks.

 

[CheetahGirl]

Okay. I agree with others that advisor abuse should be handled by the Department first and all programs should have Doctoral Student Handbooks that detail the course of action. Then, the Department may need to take the problem to the University.

The OP didn't want to report anything and needed some tips on how to handle this abusive advisor without reporting. Again, it's a horrible situation to be in and sounds too common (especially in our field), but it also sounds like others have made it out of similar situations without too much harm done to one's sense of self and professional growth.

I was just trying to be helpful by saying APA may take a complaint but it doesn't seem like the proper path to consider in lieu of everyone's comments of late.

I hate being powerless and I can commiserate with the OP in those regards.😡

 

[MCParent]

I was just trying to be helpful by saying APA may take a complaint but it doesn't seem like the proper path to consider in lieu of everyone's comments of late.

I think it's reasonable to assume that one SHOULD be able to take this sort of thing up with one's professional association. It's just a shame that ours appears to not function correctly.

I hate being powerless

Run for APAGS/APA/state association positions and make them change. 😀

 

[fresnel]

In a program I know, a relatively large group of students just left the lab of a professor who has conducted himself in an egregious manner. Wonder if one was the OP. The university could care less about his conduct. The students are mostly women but the program is run by a bunch of men, many of whom have been in the program from its start. Women faculty in the clinical program have been treated horribly. They've had one or two at a time and usually they have left. I'd tried to seek assistance to deal with the same professor who just had a mass exodus from his lab.I tried the so called grievance processes with no success. I reported his malicious behavior to the administration but they could care less. Now it's a matter of just hoping prospective students can make better choices. There are plenty of great programs out there. Hopefully future students looking at the program will ask a lot of questions. If you are interviewing at clinical programs, ask about their accreditation. If it is 5 years or less, ask why and listen carefully. I suppose there could be perfectly reasonable reasons for a program to have an accreditation renewal less than 7...less than 6...less than 5...less than 4???? I'm not sure what that would be. This particular program has loads of problems and the site visitors were generous. The professors won't necessarily tell the truth but you can look out for irregularities in programs. Look for evidence that women or individuals of color aren't represented in the clinical area. Be wary if you hear excuses like saying that the rest of the department has the diversity or there are adjuncts. This warning is intended simply to encourage students to avoid the program I know well. It is intended to encourage students to ask a lot of questions of all programs and avoid those where there are hints of problems. Not worth it!