advice: MD, marriage, and babies

[rubisco88]

Just started my 2nd year of medical school in Texas and I'm going to be 26 a few months from now. I'll finish my MD when I'm 28 and probably finish residency at the youngest when I'm 32 ( 4 yrs). I'm currently engaged, but the wedding has taken a backseat for now. Currently, I'm feeling a lot of anxiety over the uncertainty of whether I'll be able to accomplish all the things I want family/personal-wise due to the demands of medicine. I would like have at least 2-3 kids (leaning more towards 3) by the age of 35.

Making it even more difficult is that my fiancé is in California working on an Econ Phd. He has 2-3 years left of his program and he plans to try to finish when I finish so that he can get a job wherever I do my residency. He considering a job in the private sector since landing a professorship in a specific location will probably be difficult. Planning a wedding is stressful and we don't really have the money since both of us our grad students. I am now considering destination wedding in Hawaii with just our immediate families as a cheaper and less stressful option. MS1 summer would have been ideal but we missed that opportunity so it seems like the only option for marriage might be around 4th year...however I'm going to be 28 then and it also seems like a good time to have our first child. Is taking a year off a viable option before heading into an internship?

Will I be able to have kids in residency and when exactly? Are you allowed to have more than one pregnancy in residency (at least 2)? How much longer will it take to finish if you do have kids? I am considering PM&R, pediatrics, and psychiatry right now since they are of interest to me, less competitive (I'm an average student), and shorter relative to other residencies. Is it possible to take any time off after residency before practicing? I would like to do residency in Southern California as both our families will be in that area so they could help with child care, but it's very possible that we end up in Texas and have to hire help on a residency salary and he'll probably be making 90-120k.

Any advice would be great. Please help a stressed med student out .

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[DokterMom]

There's no such thing as a perfect time to get married and have babies. For a woman, there's opportunity cost at every stage.

However, I would suggest you wait to get married and have babies until you will both be in the same city for a few years. Two parents mean approximately half the workload of a single-parent household. And having family nearby can be a wonderful help, so your So. Cal. plans make a lot of sense, as do your residency and specialty choices. You'll be exhausted and stretched thin post-baby, no matter what your arrangements are, yet somehow, both you and the baby are highly likely to survive intact.

As far as getting married goes, you can have a lovely wedding with just a few hours spent planning if you refuse to drink the bridal industry Koolaid. Call a lovely restaurant or hotel and arrange for a judge and private dining room. Limit your guest list to close family only and pre-select a choice of menu items, champagne and wine, and the restaurant's most beautiful whole-cake dessert. Elegant, lovely and low stress -- done for a very few thousand dollars and under 4 hours to plan. You'll need 2-3 weeks lead time, of course...

Bottom line - there is no perfect. And you've good lots of options for really good. Go for really good and be happy.

 

[Cracker.Jack.]

As far as getting married goes, you can have a lovely wedding with just a few hours spent planning if you refuse to drink the bridal industry Koolaid. Call a lovely restaurant or hotel and arrange for a judge and private dining room. Limit your guest list to close family only and pre-select a choice of menu items, champagne and wine, and the restaurant's most beautiful whole-cake dessert. Elegant, lovely and low stress -- done for a very few thousand dollars and under 4 hours to plan. You'll need 2-3 weeks lead time, of course...

Bottom line - there is no perfect. And you've good lots of options for really good. Go for really good and be happy.

Excellent analogy. Spot on

Honestly, as someone who spent half a year's salary and half a year of every waking moment planning and slaving away for a fairy tale wedding, it's so not worth it. The day comes. It flies by. You don't notice any of the crap you spent hours upon hours of planning and making. Then it's over.

Go for something simple and easy like DokterMom outlined. I wish I had. If in 5 or 10 years you're still wanting a destination wedding or a big party somewhere then you can do a vow renewal.

 

[EMDO2018]

Some women care more about getting their fairy tale wedding than they do about the guy they are marrying.

 

[jaismith08]

Of course when you're single women always dream about their wedding. But when baby come first, it always about the baby your going to pay attention with.

 

[that redhead]

Don't even go to Hawaii - do something like DoktorMom outlined (I wish we had!) and have a big fancy vacation in five years or ten years. The wedding itself is not worth the stress or money in my humble opinion and the outcome of the day is the same: you got to marry a great guy. As for children, there really is no perfect time. I agree it should be when you're both in the same area if only for convenience's sake but also for the child. Don't panic just yet. Might also consider talking to the administration at your school for resources or anecdotes.

 

[NICUfello]

Married 4th year of med school. Baby #1 2nd year of peds residency. Baby #2, 2nd year of fellowship.

In So Cal as well.

All doable. Easy? No.

Don't plan everything to a T. Go with things as life gives you.... don't stress..try to enjoy some