Am I being selfish? please help

[ScottW3]

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Ok, I'm applying to dental school for the fall of '05. I've got two schools where I am considering, both of which have essentially told me I am accepted. I've been going out with my girlfriend for over 4 years now. We have a good relationship and know that we will get married. She is in the first year of a 5 year graduate program in St. Louis. The schools I am looking at are in Alton, IL (45 minutes away from STL) and Memphis, TN (4.5 hours away). I just got back from my interview in Memphis and I LOVE the school. Honestly, I liked it about 100 times more. My girlfriend doesn't want to do a long distance relationship at all. I'm really getting upset about this because I have the opportunity to go to this school and it looks like I'm not going. Not only is it better (in my opinion) but it is about $30,000 cheaper over 4 years. Breaking up with her is not an option. We both love each other very much. But I think both of us thinks the other one is being selfish about this. She knows how much I like the school in memphis, but whenever we talk about it it turns into a huge mess. I mean I'm willing to go to the school in alton so I can be close to her, but am I being selfish if I want to go to the school I like? She has said things like I'd transfer to memphis if i could, but I don't want her to do that. She is in a good position, and its not fair for me to let her do that. I really think our relationship will be fine if we are apart. I don't know. Any comments on this would help. I'm very confused.

 

[WakeboardGirl88]

I can relate to your situation- my BF is interviewing for residency now, and there is a good possibility that we will be apart for around 18 mos. due to my job contract. Although ideally I would love him to do his transitional year here in Texas, there are great opportunities for him in the northeast and we will not know until the match results are out. I know I can't hold him back for the excellent opportunities he has. As this would be hard, it still can work. If your relationship is meant to be, then it will be, no matter where you are. It may even make your relationship stronger, as "absence does make the heart grow fonder." We have to look at the situation as what will be the best alternative for the LONG RUN. Although your GF wants you nearby now, if this opens up better opportunities for the BOTH of you in the long run, then go for it. Good luck, I know it is tough and can be painful, but I do think it can work if you really love each other and are willing to make sacrifices to better your future together.

 

[ScottW3]

Thanks for the reply. I still don't know what I am supposed to do. How often do most people visit each other in a long distance relationship? Any ideas on how I can explain to my girlfriend that its possible and not the end of the world. Essentially, if I don't go, I'm unhappy, and if I do go, she is unhappy. I feel like breaking something. Arg!

 

[WakeboardGirl88]

Well 4.5 hours is totally do-able without flying to see each other. It just depends on how busy your schedules are, and how conflicting the times might be. If your schedules worked out, one person could drive one way each time once a month. You would see each other about every 2 weeks. I guess if her school would be too demanding and starting dental school would give you no time off, then you need to weigh the options that you might not see each other but only once every 4-6 months. If that is something that the 2 of you see as okay, then go for it. If it will cause more strain for the both of you- emotionally and physically, then you have to decide which would affect you more...possibly losing your girlfriend, or missing out on the school you choose. Sticky situation though, no right answer to this one...

 

[apgmph]

How often do most people visit each other in a long distance relationship?

my husband and i spent 4 1/2 yrs together being 3 1/2-4 hours apart. and we're now married. it can work out...you both just have to be willing and want the long distance thing to work. we made an effort to see each other at least every 2-3 weeks...sometimes it did end up being once a month. and we talked on the phone numerous times every day.
you're not being selfish in wanting to go to memphis. if you don't go, you may end up resenting the decision and that WILL take a toll on your relationship. plus, you want to get the best education/opportunity you can. and the $$ savings will help both of you in the long run.

 

[Superman22]

I think you really have to dig deep down inside and feel what is more important to you. Personally you have a win situation You got accepted to school and you have love. Does it really matter where you go? The goal I believe is to have someone to share your life with, love what you do and everything else is extra (children are important as well). Do you really want to risk a long distance romance? They say the distance makes the heart grow fonder but also out of sight out of mind. One has to be willing to give. In my relationship I was willing. I have been maried with my wife for over a decade and I am happy. But I have come to realize not everyone finds love to be secondary to ones career. Which I still think if you can have both what else is there? You have already got everything. Anyway this is my opinion.

 

[ScottW3]

I guess there isn't really any simple solution to this. I'll just have to give it some more thought and i guess I'll come to a conclusion eventually. This situation sucks. I've got to accept that and then figure out how to get past it. Thanks everyone for all your thoughts on the matter.

 

[dnl425]

Well 4.5 hours is totally do-able without flying to see each other. It just depends on how busy your schedules are, and how conflicting the times might be. If your schedules worked out, one person could drive one way each time once a month. You would see each other about every 2 weeks.

I agree with this frequency. Every two weeks is long enough to go without seeing each other, and it makes the visits something to look forward to after all your long hours of studying.

I'm farther apart from my BF, so we see each other about once a month. But then again, I have a job so I can afford the pricey plane tickets.

 

[katiw]

I say go to the closer school. Relationships require sacrafice ON BOTH PARTS. Coming from a pre-dent girlfriend, it sucks when our lives are not considered in decisions made by the pre-dents and pre-meds. Relationships are not about doing what is best for YOU but what is best for BOTH OF YOU.

 

[adpitan]

I have to agree with the majority of the posters, sorry Katiw. If you don't go you'll resent her, it may not be right away but there will be resentment issues. I too have had a couple of long distance relationships and it has NOT been the distance that has made us breakup, there were other issues and trust was NOT one of them. The long distance relationship worked great for me because it allowed me to focus on school and not have to decide who/what to neglect. The times we were together were so special and because we arranged those times I was able to focus on my BF rather than being distracted by homework...of course I thought about school some but I relished the times we were together...BTW my long distance was either me being in CA & him in DC or sometimes San Diego or Japan, now that is long distance but we wethered it because we were strong as a couple. I think the time apart allowed us to become better ppl. I say go to Memphis, do extremly well, save that money and get her a nice ring. 😀 Going to a school that is better for you and will save you money is not selfish, going to a school that is closer for convience is selfish...look at what you could be missing out on if you stay closer (no, I'm not saying another GF) but the educational and job possibilites. Good luck!

 

[MRAM]

My husband and I "negotiated" A LOT when we were deciding where he would attend med school since it involved us selling our home, me leaving my job, etc. We narrowed it down to Nashville or Philadelphia. Being from the south I was really hoping for TN, but my husband's heart was set on Philly. Ultimately he said he would go to TN if that is what I thought was best for us, but after hearing him say that I realized that his education was "his" education and that he needed to "wear the glove that fit best". I love him and want what is best for him ---so I said nervously "let's go to Philly". We are here now and he LOVES it (and so do I!). I am so glad I followed his heart on this choice. I know if we had gone with what I wanted he would have regrets and I would have guilt. I truly believe you need to go to the school that fits you best. You mentioned you wouldn't want her to have to change her school choice to accomodate you ( sounds like you want what is best for her) My advice: go to the school that fits you the best! If your girl loves you and wants all of your dreams to come true---she will see the light. Good Luck!

 

[rah223]

Long distance can be a challenge, there's no doubt about that. I live in Baltimore, and my boyfriend of 4 years is in Madison, WI. We're lucky if we see each other once a month. However, if I had to do long distance, this is the best time. I am so busy in school and so is he. This allows both of us to concentrate on our studies, and not feel like we are neglecting the other. We talk on the phone every night (which we both feel is key) and take turns visiting eachother. It's hard, but it's worth it so that we can both be where we feel we need to be for school. I think you should go to the school that's best for you. It's also nice to save that much money. You'll both be thankful when you're ready to start your lives together. I have to agree with whomever said you have to do what's best for the long run!

 

[brotherbloat]

My now husband and I did the long-distance thing for 2.5 years, while he was in med school and I in a Master's. The drive was 4 hours. Basically, though, we saw each other every weekend, more or less, alternating the driving, and in the summers, I got a job in the city where he was. Although there were spans of time in which we saw each other every 6 weeks, for the most part, I never felt neglected or upset that I had a long-distance relationship, because we spoke on the phone for at least 3-4 hours every day and emailed multiple times a day. In fact, now that we live together, and he's in residency, I feel I see him less/ communicate with him less than I did when we were doing the long distance thing! Plus, the long-distance thing gives you extra opportunities to surprise your loved one with a late night, spontaneous visit and lots of fun cards and letters in the mail.

-BB

 

[WVURxGal]

I have to disagree with everyone a little bit. Do you think you're capable of a long distance relationship? Personally, I know I can't handle one, I'm really physical in relationships. I'm from Philadelphia and I go to West Virginia University. I met my boyfriend at WVU, and when summer came, we both had to go home (I lived in a dorm and he had a good job in his home of Parkersburg, which is 2 hours south of school.) I went home for a month, and even though we spoke on the phone every night for hours, I was totally miserable the entire time. After it got to be about two weeks without seeing him (it's an 8 hour drive, and at the time I didn't have a car and he worked 40 hours a week) I realized that there was no way I could go the entire summer only seeing him once a month or so, and making him do all of the driving on top of that. I wound up getting a car and moving into an apartment at school so I'd only be two hours away. To say the least my friends and my dad kind of resented me for a while, but I stand by my decision.

Really, it's all about how you are in a relationship. If you're fine with phone conversations as a sufficient means for interaction, then by all means go to the far-away school. Even if you don't mind driving, that might be your best option. You might be best to try that type of relationship for a week with her, and see how you react. Maybe you could visit your parents, or if they're close by, some other relative?

 

[Yah-E]

Scott:

Just saw this thread and I thought I bring it back to see if you've been accepted to either schools? If you have, which school have you and your girlfriend decided on? I think with either school, your LD is still a "short LD". Four to five hours apart is not a big deal. You'll find that 1st year of dental school, although rigorous and time consuming, you'll have plenty of time to spend it with your friends and family.

I, too, will be facing with the possibility of being in a LD relationship soon here. Personally, I am not looking forward to it at all, and here are the reasons why. My GF and I just started our relationship about two months ago. I've known her for about 3 years since we're in same dental school, but never dated until recently. She is a year ahead of me in school and she'll be moving to Midwest (IL) in June for her residency (3 years) and we're currently in FL.

I'll be in FL for another year and then I too will be applying to residencies around the country. My situation is a bit more challenging because although I've known my GF for years, but we only dated for 2 months. When she leaves for the Midwest, if we're still together, that would only be 4 or 5 months that we have been in a relationship. I think we're serious, we talk about the future, and we "stated" that we'll try to see one another once a month while she's gone and I'm still here. We're talking about me applying to residencies in IL next year, but who knows where I will end up in match?!

Between how new we are, she is so busy with graduation requirements, and state licensure exams, I barely see her now when she's in the same state. Needless to say, I've very pessimestic about this whole soon-to-be LD thing and question if this relationship full of potential can last. I, too, am a very physical person where I need that physical presence of my SO, if I feel left out now when my GF is here, how the hell am I going to feel when she's gone 5 states away?

So you see, 4 or 5 hours for you, my man, is nothing. You or your GF can simply hop in a car every weekend and drive to see one another, you and your GF have had years of foundation in your relationship. Your LD situation is absolutely and 100% doable. Heck, I wouldn't even call it a LD. Me on the other hand, I question if I should even keep my new relationship with this girl since we're so new and she's leaving in 2 months.

Do you guys think it's better for me to end it now so there are no expectations and if it's meant to be, we'll hook up again later

or

Do you guys think it's better to hang in there and try the LD across country and try to build on what we have (which is barely anything)

 

[ScottW3]

Hey Yah-E, here is my update on the current state of things. I found out last month that I got into UT. SIU has not yet made a descision, but they do consider me an IL resident. Some of you may be wondering about that last comment. I decided to rent the cheapest apartment I could find in order to have an address to use to be reclassified as an IL resident. I know many here will that that was a foolish move. But, you see, the more I thought about it, even though I feel our relationship can work being 4.5 hours apart, its not my decision only to make. I want this relationship to work, and because I do, I need to take into account how my GF feels. Nothing is as black or white as we would hope for them to be when it comes to this sort of thing. You could go crazy trying to analyze exactly what you should do. In the end you just have to trust your gut and make a decision. Its either the right one or the wrong one, but thats life. I wish I could give you more advice for your situation, but as you can see from this thread, for everyone that says stay together, there will be another person saying break up. I hope what you decide works out for the best. I've probably been no help to you and I will appologize for my late night ramblings in advance.

 

[Yah-E]

Hey Yah-E, here is my update on the current state of things. I found out last month that I got into UT. SIU has not yet made a descision, but they do consider me an IL resident. Some of you may be wondering about that last comment. I decided to rent the cheapest apartment I could find in order to have an address to use to be reclassified as an IL resident. I know many here will that that was a foolish move. But, you see, the more I thought about it, even though I feel our relationship can work being 4.5 hours apart, its not my decision only to make. I want this relationship to work, and because I do, I need to take into account how my GF feels. Nothing is as black or white as we would hope for them to be when it comes to this sort of thing. You could go crazy trying to analyze exactly what you should do. In the end you just have to trust your gut and make a decision. Its either the right one or the wrong one, but thats life. I wish I could give you more advice for your situation, but as you can see from this thread, for everyone that says stay together, there will be another person saying break up. I hope what you decide works out for the best. I've probably been no help to you and I will appologize for my late night ramblings in advance.

Congrats on your UT acceptance and you making a decision on which school you should go to to better your relationship. Now lets hope that you get into SIU. Keep us updated.

 

[organichemistry]

Ok, I'm applying to dental school for the fall of '05. I've got two schools where I am considering, both of which have essentially told me I am accepted. I've been going out with my girlfriend for over 4 years now. We have a good relationship and know that we will get married. She is in the first year of a 5 year graduate program in St. Louis. The schools I am looking at are in Alton, IL (45 minutes away from STL) and Memphis, TN (4.5 hours away). I just got back from my interview in Memphis and I LOVE the school. Honestly, I liked it about 100 times more. My girlfriend doesn't want to do a long distance relationship at all. I'm really getting upset about this because I have the opportunity to go to this school and it looks like I'm not going. Not only is it better (in my opinion) but it is about $30,000 cheaper over 4 years. Breaking up with her is not an option. We both love each other very much. But I think both of us thinks the other one is being selfish about this. She knows how much I like the school in memphis, but whenever we talk about it it turns into a huge mess. I mean I'm willing to go to the school in alton so I can be close to her, but am I being selfish if I want to go to the school I like? She has said things like I'd transfer to memphis if i could, but I don't want her to do that. She is in a good position, and its not fair for me to let her do that. I really think our relationship will be fine if we are apart. I don't know. Any comments on this would help. I'm very confused.

i don't think you are being selfish. going to memphis would be logical since you like it more.

ask yourself this question... would you rather go to memphis without her or go to your backup school with her.

answer that to yourself, honestly, and i think your decision will be made.