am I unreasonable?

[anomalii]

My boyfriend of nearly 5 years has a really obnoxious friend. He's one of those that thinks doctors are a bunch of ungrateful capitalists that live life cush. Not to undermine this friend, but he only has a bachelors, he doesn't even know what graduate education is like.

He constantly talks about how he thinks being a doctor is easy. When we talked about me searching for residencies and my being careful about malignant programs, he brushes it off as "overreacting" and "rumors". He rolls his eyes when he hears me talking with my bf about my 30 hour call. He asks me stupid medical questions expecting me to be a walking Netter's and for free medical care.

I doubt my bf will leave me over this but he really wants me to be the type of partner that can hang with his friends. Last night, my bf brought up the topic of residency and when I answered him, this friend puts down everything I say. I have had it, shot the friend a dirty look, politely thanked his wife, and told my bf it is time for us to go.
BF(confrontationally): What is the problem?
Me: I can't stand him.
BF: Why?
Me: Because your friend is an idiot.
I tell my bf that I don't care if they hang, but I just don't wanna hang with him. I repeatedly told my bf in the past I am not interested in hanging around this friend. He's still upset over it. I think I'm reasonable =/.

P.S. Yes, this is a more personal question, but seems like this forum is a best coming from other med students.

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[J1515]

My boyfriend of nearly 5 years has a really obnoxious friend. He's one of those that thinks doctors are a bunch of ungrateful capitalists that live life cush. Not to undermine this friend, but he only has a bachelors, he doesn't even know what graduate education is like.

He constantly talks about how he thinks being a doctor is easy. When we talked about me searching for residencies and my being careful about malignant programs, he brushes it off as "overreacting" and "rumors". He rolls his eyes when he hears me talking with my bf about my 30 hour call. He asks me stupid medical questions expecting me to be a walking Netter's and for free medical care.

I doubt my bf will leave me over this but he really wants me to be the type of partner that can hang with his friends. Last night, my bf brought up the topic of residency and when I answered him, this friend puts down everything I say. I have had it, shot the friend a dirty look, politely thanked his wife, and told my bf it is time for us to go.
BF(confrontationally): What is the problem?
Me: I can't stand him.
BF: Why?
Me: Because your friend is an idiot.
I tell my bf that I don't care if they hang, but I just don't wanna hang with him. I repeatedly told my bf in the past I am not interested in hanging around this friend. He's still upset over it. I think I'm reasonable =/.

P.S. Yes, this is a more personal question, but seems like this forum is a best coming from other med students.

The answer to your problem is quite simple - stop avoiding confrontation and stand up for yourself. Next time he makes a comment, say "I don't appreciate your snide remarks. Until you've gone through the 8 years of schooling and 4 years of residency I have and get your facts straight, I'd appreciate if you would keep your ill informed opinions to myself. I don't need someone with a 4 year degree passing judgement on my education." Oh, and stop answering his medical questions lol.

 

[ChiDO]

The answer to your problem is quite simple - stop avoiding confrontation and stand up for yourself. Next time he makes a comment, say "I don't appreciate your snide remarks. Until you've gone through the 8 years of schooling and 4 years of residency I have and get your facts straight, I'd appreciate if you would keep your ill informed opinions to myself. I don't need someone with a 4 year degree passing judgement on my education." Oh, and stop answering his medical questions lol.

This.

 

[Instatewaiter]

Personally I think the main problem is that your boyfriend isn't standing up for you. All he would have to say to his friend is, "No, actually you are completely wrong..." and the friend would shut up and probably never bring it up.

 

[Mr hawkings]

Personally I think the main problem is that your boyfriend isn't standing up for you. All he would have to say to his friend is, "No, actually you are completely wrong..." and the friend would shut up and probably never bring it up.

 

[xanthines]

No, you are not unreasonable and I agree with pretty much all of the above. I'm a guy, too, if that helps.

If your situation doesn't resolve to your satisfaction, as in your BF wants you all to keep hanging out together, then here's some basic advice you probably already know. As for the random medical questions, if they actually related to medical care then just simply say "it isn't really appropriate for me to give medical advice." If they really are silly types of questions, ie Does swallowed chewing gum get stuck in your bowels? (the answer is no, unless you have a wickedly ulcerated intestinal tract), then just say "that's not really what we learn about. We learn how to manage medical care, etc etc..." If you don't know, then I don't think there's anything wrong with saying you simply don't know. If he presses on, deflect it by saying residency is still a training position and you have a lot to learn.

I think your BF should tell his friend to knock it off. You can mention how you've been dutifully trying to ignore it for longer than you've cared to and that things might become more unpleasant the next time. After all, it's the friend that seems antagonistic.

Good luck!

-X

 

[xanthines]

Whaaa? Seriously? Why punish both of them?

Also, a bit childish and passive-aggressive, don't you think?

-X

solution: withhold sex.

 

[Velocity]

Why not openly talk about it with your boyfriend? If you tell him that his friend is an idiot, that's somewhat insulting. I mean, clearly it's insulting to the friend but it's also somewhat insulting to your boyfriend. If I had a good friend and my wife told me one day that she thought he was an idiot, I wouldn't feel very good in knowing that two important people in my life were incompatible to being around each other. (I might also feel upset, as though my choice in friends were being put down.)

Your reasons for being upset sound perfectly reasonable to me and seemingly to everyone else who has read and replied, as well. Maybe your boyfriend won't understand your feelings and reasoning exactly, but that doesn't matter - I'd expect that he'd get it that this friend gets on your nerves, and he would either talk to his friend or just make sure that he doesn't do things with the two of you together.

Communication is always key Every relationship is different, but I always advocate not holding anything back. If something's bothering you, tell your significant other. Definitely don't hold it in and risk becoming resentful. Hopefully your boyfriend will take a course of action that is pleasing to the both of you.

 

[xanthines]

Ah, no worries.

Then I suppose you would agree?

-X

sorry was tongue in cheek. that was what my ex did lol.

 

[dotdash]

Why does your boyfriend of 5 years think it's okay if his friends roll their eyes at something you say?

That said, you need to be very clear with both of them. "This is what I hear you/him doing (belittling my career, belittling my judgment, etc.) and this is how it makes me feel (sad, hurt, etc.)." Don't get angry, just make sure you are heard.

And if your boyfriend still sticks up for this jerk, think seriously about your relationship.