anyone in here desi and dealing with arranged marriage issues?

[zanaida10]

I'm just going to warn everyone, this is a rant, it isn't grammatical correct and for people with straight forward lives that just put down their opposition and are going to say...screw it do what u want...please don't even read it. Its very culture sensitive, has to do with respect and boundaries and trying to maintain harmony even at the level of sacrificing individuality because Asian societies don't value the individual over the family unit usually. So please no advice telling me to "get strong and tell them off and do whatever i want."


So, I think I'm going to lose my mind and I'm hoping someone here has similar problems.

So I've been brought up in America but I still am devoted to my parents and I absolutely refuse to hurt them by disobeying their wishes completely.
I'm a girl and I'm pre-med and I refuse to give up medicine. Unfortunately for me, pre-med is just what you need to be as a girl to get rishtas (proposals) but once your married its over...although they will swear to god they will let u continue your education...but its so hard to pick your education over a loving husband because we're supposed to be supportive...anyways...it rarely works out if the girl gets married without even being in med school that she ends up in med school after marriage.

So my parents need to be involved in my marriage for their sanity and theres just so much cultural, religious and whatnot expectations i cant even go into it because its soooo long. So I'm 20, and I've been getting proposals for a while and I've managed to sabotage them all in unique ways because I'm also in love with someone else. For the last 3 years. And I want to end up with him. He's not ready to get married, and neither am I but I feel like we have a future and I'd rather wait for him then get married to someone else. Plus I'm in college- I wanna wait to get married just a little, I just hope I end up with him somewhere down the future. He's 100% unacceptable to my parents. He's a different religion. They will never accept it but I can't make myself want someone else.

Also, I got a proposal type thing yesterday. Basically theres nothing wrong with the guy. He's nice and charming and sweet and I'd really consider it if I was single and ready to get married or even in a position to like someone else. I'm not either. So my parents don't know I want to wait to get married because they'd go ballistic and think I just want to party and be skanky and have a dysfunctional life, and I'm using Medicine as an excuse to kinda break it with culture, but not really.

So, I know for most people this is an annoying rant and I apoligize but for the desi people out there (indian, pakistani, bengali) any advice on how to juggle these sensitive and fragile cultural issues? And I refuse to give up pre-med, I'd give up the guy I love first, but I love him because he never asked me too. And I think an arranged marriage- the guy will most probably ask or the family and the in laws will guilt you into it.


Thanks to all the input in advance, its just emotionally exhausting.

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[zanaida10]

so

 

[ChubbyChaser]

I think this is probably the wrong type of forum.

 

[[pj]]

Interesting.

 

[ChubbyChaser]

screw the guy....Go get drunk.

 

[DoctorDreamer]

Hi, there. I'm not Desi, but I have asian friends who have dealt with parents similar to yours.

My advice is as follows:

Keep pursuing premed, and no matter who you "date/get engaged to" make sure they know medicine is a non-negotiable deal-brealer for you.

As far as the guy you're in love with goes, from my personal experience, I doubt it will work out for a number of reasons (PM me for more details if you care to). However, I wouldn't go jumping into another engagement while you are still hung up on him. Tell these other sweet guys that you think they're great and you'd like to get to know them, but right now is not the right time to get engaged for you. See where they go.

If they're the right guy, they'll still be there when you fall out of love with the other guy and in love with them. Also, you'll know them a lot better before engagement, so maybe you'll know how they'll handle the marriage thing.

Just my $0.02.

 

[butiwuvu]

Two points to make.

1. If you don't break the cycle now, your kids and grandkids will end up being forced into the same kind of relationships as you are.

2. I don't buy into the "respect and boundaries and trying to maintain harmony even at the level of sacrificing individuality" stuff. It's your life, and in this country, you can succeed as an independent female. You don't need to have the support of your family, and neither does your family need your support. It has nothing to do with culture and respecting your family and stuff like that. I bet that some African tribal elders argue that female circumcision is important because it's all about respect and boundaries and sacrificing individuality, but that doesn't make something very wrong into something acceptable simply because it's some kind of tradition.

So although you don't want to hear that you need to be strong (or "grow a pair" or "man up"), you need to make it very, very, very clear to your parents SOONER RATHER THAN LATER that you simply will not marry until you have completed medical school and possibly a residency, and as good parents, the least you expect them to do is support you in this decision. And then let them know that medicine is more important to you than anything else, and while you're grateful for their support so far, you're not going to let an arranged marriage ruin your opportunities.

I know you think there's no simple way out of your situation, but there is. You simply try to pursue medicine with their support, and if they won't support you, you go it alone. End of story.

 

[Zakaqel]

You have to see what will happen if you do "what you want to do." Why don't you tell your parents that you will be ready to marry after you finish studying medicine?

One more thing, if you know your parents will never accept the guy you are talking about, then don't fool yourself into thinking that you will be happy with him. Nothing will be more sad than having your whole family upset/not talk to you for the rest of your life. I know a lot of people with huge family problems: it's not fun at all. Giving up your family for "love" is not worth it. As they say, there are plenty of fish in the sea; I'm sure you'll find some guy who you and your parents can both agree on.

 

[kanu9]

Desi also here and struggling with similar issues but I am a guy and in my early 30's, I find that it gets harder and harder if you do not have the courage to own up to your goals. Parents will back off if you do.
You are very young so try the I ams till young thing because you really are and if that does not work two options are getting tinto med. school somehow away from home or telling them that you love someone else. These answers are not straight forward and easy, but the best I can offer, however I do sympathasize with you. Most people will not (even desi's) understand indian traditional families. good luck

I'm just going to warn everyone, this is a rant, it isn't grammatical correct and for people with straight forward lives that just put down their opposition and are going to say...screw it do what u want...please don't even read it. Its very culture sensitive, has to do with respect and boundaries and trying to maintain harmony even at the level of sacrificing individuality because Asian societies don't value the individual over the family unit usually. So please no advice telling me to "get strong and tell them off and do whatever i want."


So, I think I'm going to lose my mind and I'm hoping someone here has similar problems.

So I've been brought up in America but I still am devoted to my parents and I absolutely refuse to hurt them by disobeying their wishes completely.
I'm a girl and I'm pre-med and I refuse to give up medicine. Unfortunately for me, pre-med is just what you need to be as a girl to get rishtas (proposals) but once your married its over...although they will swear to god they will let u continue your education...but its so hard to pick your education over a loving husband because we're supposed to be supportive...anyways...it rarely works out if the girl gets married without even being in med school that she ends up in med school after marriage.

So my parents need to be involved in my marriage for their sanity and theres just so much cultural, religious and whatnot expectations i cant even go into it because its soooo long. So I'm 20, and I've been getting proposals for a while and I've managed to sabotage them all in unique ways because I'm also in love with someone else. For the last 3 years. And I want to end up with him. He's not ready to get married, and neither am I but I feel like we have a future and I'd rather wait for him then get married to someone else. Plus I'm in college- I wanna wait to get married just a little, I just hope I end up with him somewhere down the future. He's 100% unacceptable to my parents. He's a different religion. They will never accept it but I can't make myself want someone else.

Also, I got a proposal type thing yesterday. Basically theres nothing wrong with the guy. He's nice and charming and sweet and I'd really consider it if I was single and ready to get married or even in a position to like someone else. I'm not either. So my parents don't know I want to wait to get married because they'd go ballistic and think I just want to party and be skanky and have a dysfunctional life, and I'm using Medicine as an excuse to kinda break it with culture, but not really.

So, I know for most people this is an annoying rant and I apoligize but for the desi people out there (indian, pakistani, bengali) any advice on how to juggle these sensitive and fragile cultural issues? And I refuse to give up pre-med, I'd give up the guy I love first, but I love him because he never asked me too. And I think an arranged marriage- the guy will most probably ask or the family and the in laws will guilt you into it.


Thanks to all the input in advance, its just emotionally exhausting.

 

[zanaida10]

I think this is probably the wrong type of forum.

there isn't a forum for pre-med, desi, and arranged marriages...thats why at the top i said...it will be a rant that most people will nto enjoy or have anything to say about...but most desi people do go through this. but thanks.

 

[zanaida10]

screw the guy....Go get drunk.

wish i could im not even 21 yet. it pisses me off that i have to figure this out and i'm not even allowed to buy alcohol to console my pain. i think there was some orgo lab stuff about brewing your own alcohol.

 

[Monkey House]

I have seen situations like this in other areas of school (ie not medicine) and here is what I learned at least. There really is no middle ground. You need to pick one path and follow it like no other. Staying the middle sounds easy, but in the end it will just drive you crazy and make you unhappy. Sucky situation...im sorry.

 

[zanaida10]

Hi, there. I'm not Desi, but I have asian friends who have dealt with parents similar to yours.

My advice is as follows:

Keep pursuing premed, and no matter who you "date/get engaged to" make sure they know medicine is a non-negotiable deal-brealer for you.

As far as the guy you're in love with goes, from my personal experience, I doubt it will work out for a number of reasons (PM me for more details if you care to). However, I wouldn't go jumping into another engagement while you are still hung up on him. Tell these other sweet guys that you think they're great and you'd like to get to know them, but right now is not the right time to get engaged for you. See where they go.

If they're the right guy, they'll still be there when you fall out of love with the other guy and in love with them. Also, you'll know them a lot better before engagement, so maybe you'll know how they'll handle the marriage thing.

Just my $0.02.

Thank you for your 0.02 cents but I think it was good advice. I guess I am just going to have to use the Pre-Med tactic. They just come up with so many nice reasons, like we're not going to stop you, he's not going to stop you, why would anyone on earth stop you? Its the reality of med school that sets in and then they try to stop you.


I guess if I make it very obvious that pre-med is nonnegotiable that should help matters somewhat. Atleast the guy can back off if he thinks he can't handle it and my parents can't force him into anything or guilt him into it.

I already know the reasons why it won't work, and it all sounds cheesy and stupid when I list the reasons. Oh well. I can always hope.

I definitely like the advice about keeping these guys as friends. One never knows. Its just so hard to think of another guy as anything, I'm so obnoxiously faithful in my own head I can't even look at a guy and think of him as anything more then another human being.

 

[Weoh]

I had a friend in college that had a similar issue with his family-- altho' he was a guy. He was indian, she was caucasian. He ended up marrying his college sweetheart shortly after graduation to the great disapproval of his fam. His parents disowned his for awhile and I'm pretty sure they didn't attend the wedding. It was rough for them both, but his parents did eventually come around to accepting them and their marriage.

I grew up in another country, and altho' I can't say that I understand the pressure with regard to marriage, I do know quite a bit about dealing with expectations from others. To put it bluntly, I don't think it's possible to be truly satisfied if the major decisions that you make are for the satisfaction of some expectation put there by someone else. I can understand not wanting to disappoint family, etc. but at some point your life has to be your own.

 

[zanaida10]

Two points to make.

1. If you don't break the cycle now, your kids and grandkids will end up being forced into the same kind of relationships as you are.

2. I don't buy into the "respect and boundaries and trying to maintain harmony even at the level of sacrificing individuality" stuff. It's your life, and in this country, you can succeed as an independent female. You don't need to have the support of your family, and neither does your family need your support. It has nothing to do with culture and respecting your family and stuff like that. I bet that some African tribal elders argue that female circumcision is important because it's all about respect and boundaries and sacrificing individuality, but that doesn't make something very wrong into something acceptable simply because it's some kind of tradition.

So although you don't want to hear that you need to be strong (or "grow a pair" or "man up"), you need to make it very, very, very clear to your parents SOONER RATHER THAN LATER that you simply will not marry until you have completed medical school and possibly a residency, and as good parents, the least you expect them to do is support you in this decision. And then let them know that medicine is more important to you than anything else, and while you're grateful for their support so far, you're not going to let an arranged marriage ruin your opportunities.

I know you think there's no simple way out of your situation, but there is. You simply try to pursue medicine with their support, and if they won't support you, you go it alone. End of story.

Lol, you hit on one of my biggest fear with your first point. I'm scared to death that I'd put my daughters through this much misery.

your second point I do agree with on the basis of medicine. Theres absolutely no argument with th at. However, they SAY THEY SUPPORT and my HUSBAND will support and ect but the honest truth is I know in the end they make the girl decide and as a good wife you'd better get a divorce before u pick ur career over your husband. I've used the medicine reason for two years. Now my parents are down to the idea...if you don't let us start "looking" now you'll have to find your own guy and thats horrendous because we will be social outcast and not have done our duty and ect ect ect... I know I just need the balls and tell them to get over it. I'm not financially dependent on them and I know I can succeed alone. But I do love them and I don't want to alienate them over this.

I hope I can take your advice, theres nothing I'd like better. I just don't know if I can tell them
1. I'm doing medicine and not getting married.
2. I'm still doing medicine if everyone agrees even after my marriage they'll support me in medicine.
3. I don't care how old I am when I do get married, I'm still doing medicine.

That might lead to being disowned.

 

[Luxian]

I'm not desi, but I've had friends both in arranged and non-arranged marriages make it work.

I think the biggest thing here is that you're still very young. Whether or not you wait until you finish med school, at LEAST let your parents know you must wait until after you finish college before you consider getting married. This will be of benefit to you and your family whether you go on the traditional or non-traditional route. If you let them know it's really non-negotiable, then perhaps you can already be applying to med school by the time the marriage topic comes up again. As you said, saying "you're married now, you should give up your dreams" is a lot harder if you've already been accepted to a good school.

Whatever path it holds for you, do beg for a few more years. There are plenty of SEAsian folks who marry in their mid-20s and are no worse off!

 

[fireflygirl]

So while I am not dealing with the same issues, I do have plenty of my own when it comes to marriage and relationships and am also a desi gal so have a lot of empathy for what you are going through. I think you've gotten some great advice here....I know how the arranged marriage goes, and can agree that unless your parents hook you up with someone that really respects you and your ability to have a career (and doesn't listen to everything your mother in law says ), then it'll be hard for you to return to medicine and as someone else says, the cycle will just continue for generations.

Now I know my parents are a generation behind but my mother dealt with something similar with her in-laws. She got married while doing her master's in India and while her family was very pro-education and very progressive, my father's family was not, but my dad was. He was the only child of 5 brothers that did anything in his life and was finishing medical school when they got married. My mother was promised that she could finish her master's after they got married but once they did, her in-laws tried to stop her. When my dad found out, he was pissed and ended up standing up for her.

The point is that perhaps if you are still forced to meet these prospective hubbies-to-be, you can either gently tell them that you are not ready to get engaged/married as DoctorDreamer said, or if you do speak with them and one happens to catch your attention, confide your desire to finish school and see how they react. Our guts tend to be good about this stuff and you'll know fairly quickly whether this is going to be a guy that respects your wishes and desires to pursue medicine. My mom says that's the one thing she liked right away about my dad is that he was very clear on the fact that he wanted his wife to be educated and pursue her own dreams and that he was going to support that and she knew that she could trust him when he said that. In addition, it might be helpful to ask the guy about his family - specifically if he has sisters - what is their education level? What kinds of careers do they have? That might also be a good sign as to what kind of family are you going to be marrying into.

If you've resolved to not fighting your parents about this and devoting yourself to some of their wishes, the best thing you can do for yourself is be informed about the guy you'd be potentially marrying. Gone are those days where the woman just blindly would marry someone at their parents' demand. Your parents are giving you the opportunity to talk with these guys and make a decision about whether or not you would want to pursue anything with them - so take full advantage of it and find that guy who will love you for who you are and will allow you to fulfill your dreams in the process.

 

[sultana]

marriage marriage marriage...the bane of every ABCD (American Born Confused Desi)'s existence. lol. but seriously, these issues aren't really unique and have come up for pretty much every desi pre-med chick I know (me included!)

As weird is it may sound, your parents probably feel like they have your best interests at heart. In traditional Indian/Pakistani culture getting your kids married is like a societal responsibility, especially for girls and what not. However, they value education too...which is why all of kids end up getting so confused! Call it the "C" in ABCD...

My advice: show your parents just how committed to medicine...and how marriage and medical school are not compatible, that you won't be able to succeed trying to handle both. Meaning, don't use medicine as an "excuse", actually throw yourself so fully into prepping for it that your commitment comes across. And second, you gotta insist, marriage-wise, that you won't get hitched until med school is over. Engagements...maybe (at least that what I told my parents. ha) I agree with everyone else in this thread in that you need to put your foot down....but you gotta compromise with your parents and assure them that this doesn't mean you want to go off and not get married ever. (trust me...in the long run, you don't wanna alienate them!)

Take it from a 22-year old desi pre-going to be med in the coming year...don't let marriage stuff ruin your future career...but stay cool with the parents, and like the post above says...keep your options open and if a nice guy comes along..consider it 🙂

 

[Doctor Doogie]

Hi i'm south indian, so I know how "Indian Parents" can become a pain when it comes to marriage. Arranged marriage can be a good thing or a bad thing, but you should not be thinking about that now.

How old are you? Nowadays most desi girls I know get married at like 26 or 27, so you should probably be done with med school by then.

Residency? Well thats another issue. But for now, do not give up your dream. Talk to your parents, they will understand.

Good luck

 

[Vvandenn]

No.

 

[feline]

Pakistani girl here. I have seen people in your type of situation, but I don't really understand why one can't talk things out with parents.

I was in an opposite situation. I fell in love when I was 19, parents wanted me to finish college and then think of marriage, the guy I liked was quite older than me which my parents did not approve of (all that what will the extended family say and what not), husband's family did not like me (thought I was a slut), told my parents that I'm getting married whether you like it or not (my dad's heart condition worried me but he's strong enough), my dad finally met the guy, really liked him, had a wonderful wedding and have been married for 7 years now. I finished school, had a full and exciting EC list, and I start med school this fall. Husband's family now wants us to have kids (yes with the slut that they did not approve of) and they do not want me to go to med school, but I don't care and neither does my husband. Because to me my life is important and my husband knows it. I supported him to achieve his dreams and he's doing the same for me. You don't get too many chances to pursue your dreams. So if you piss a few people off along the way, it's ok.

The moral of the story is 🙂 YOUR life is very important, your parents have lived there's and like it or not, they won't be around forever. If you get married for them, quit school for your husband, have kids cuz then your in-laws want you to have kids, will you be happy 10 years from now? If not, then you gotta take charge now. Your parents might understand if you sit down and have a nice chat with them. If not, then you gotta do what you gotta do. It will hurt at first, but finally they'll see that you really had some dreams to follow and didn't just party your life away. I really hope everything works out for you

 

[CubaLibre]

this is probably going to be an insensitive post, but you need to educate your parents.

 

[kedrin]

you are a complete ***** if you follow the cultural bs of arranged marriages etc etc or even if you call marriage a proposal.

Dont bring your whining here if you dont want us giving you crap for it even when it sounds like you disagree with it too.

 

[MedStudentWanna]

you are a complete ***** if you follow the cultural bs of arranged marriages etc etc or even if you call marriage a proposal.

Dont bring your whining here if you dont want us giving you crap for it even when it sounds like you disagree with it too.

Dude, that's totally unnecessary. If you don't understand the culture, then keep your mouth shut. Every culture has its own things and unless someone wants to be disowned by their family, this is one in Desi homes.

To the OP -- I'm not in your situation, but I had a friend in college who was. She was miserable and broke off every engagement. Finally, with the last one, she felt she had to be true to herself. She dumped him, then came out of the closet and admitted she was a lesbian. You should have seen the strife in that household.

The good news is, her Muslim parents -- very strict and domineering -- went to her "wedding" (civil union) a few years later and they couldn't be closer now with their daughter and daughter-in-law.

 

[135892]

Grow a spine and get disowned by your parents... Or, just don't do anything and complain to everyone about how "tough" you have it

You have options... no one will feel sorry for you if you decide not to use them

 

[yodudedudeyo]

hmmm....i dont know alot about the culture, but i think it's good that you're not completely brushing off your culture, it's a very important thing to many people. i dont know if im right, but are your parents the ones that choose the potential husband and introduce them to you? if so, just talk to your parents about your situation, maybe theyll start to understand?

 

[dArroway]

I'm just going to warn everyone, this is a rant, it isn't grammatical correct and for people with straight forward lives that just put down their opposition and are going to say...screw it do what u want...please don't even read it. Its very culture sensitive, has to do with respect and boundaries and trying to maintain harmony even at the level of sacrificing individuality because Asian societies don't value the individual over the family unit usually. So please no advice telling me to "get strong and tell them off and do whatever i want."


So, I think I'm going to lose my mind and I'm hoping someone here has similar problems.

So I've been brought up in America but I still am devoted to my parents and I absolutely refuse to hurt them by disobeying their wishes completely.
I'm a girl and I'm pre-med and I refuse to give up medicine. Unfortunately for me, pre-med is just what you need to be as a girl to get rishtas (proposals) but once your married its over...although they will swear to god they will let u continue your education...but its so hard to pick your education over a loving husband because we're supposed to be supportive...anyways...it rarely works out if the girl gets married without even being in med school that she ends up in med school after marriage.

So my parents need to be involved in my marriage for their sanity and theres just so much cultural, religious and whatnot expectations i cant even go into it because its soooo long. So I'm 20, and I've been getting proposals for a while and I've managed to sabotage them all in unique ways because I'm also in love with someone else. For the last 3 years. And I want to end up with him. He's not ready to get married, and neither am I but I feel like we have a future and I'd rather wait for him then get married to someone else. Plus I'm in college- I wanna wait to get married just a little, I just hope I end up with him somewhere down the future. He's 100% unacceptable to my parents. He's a different religion. They will never accept it but I can't make myself want someone else.

Also, I got a proposal type thing yesterday. Basically theres nothing wrong with the guy. He's nice and charming and sweet and I'd really consider it if I was single and ready to get married or even in a position to like someone else. I'm not either. So my parents don't know I want to wait to get married because they'd go ballistic and think I just want to party and be skanky and have a dysfunctional life, and I'm using Medicine as an excuse to kinda break it with culture, but not really.

So, I know for most people this is an annoying rant and I apoligize but for the desi people out there (indian, pakistani, bengali) any advice on how to juggle these sensitive and fragile cultural issues? And I refuse to give up pre-med, I'd give up the guy I love first, but I love him because he never asked me too. And I think an arranged marriage- the guy will most probably ask or the family and the in laws will guilt you into it.


Thanks to all the input in advance, its just emotionally exhausting.

so why post it?

please by all means give up premedicine. there are plenty of very qualified people that would love to take your place (and without such "reservations").

 

[Zakaqel]

Dude, that's totally unnecessary. If you don't understand the culture, then keep your mouth shut. Every culture has its own things and unless someone wants to be disowned by their family, this is one in Desi homes.

To the OP -- I'm not in your situation, but I had a friend in college who was. She was miserable and broke off every engagement. Finally, with the last one, she felt she had to be true to herself. She dumped him, then came out of the closet and admitted she was a lesbian. You should have seen the strife in that household.

The good news is, her Muslim parents -- very strict and domineering -- went to her "wedding" (civil union) a few years later and they couldn't be closer now with their daughter and daughter-in-law.

You don't understand that being Muslim has nothing to do with being "strict and domineering." I find it very offensive when people generalize the Islamic religion as a culture. Arranged marriage is part of certain regions which are predominantly Muslim. There are regions of the world which practice arranged marriage and practice Christianity, Hinduism, Buddhism, etc. “Muslims” number around 1.5 billion and are very diverse. There are “Muslims” like Osama Bin Laden (a terrorist) and Irshad Mangi(A liberal-Islamist-lesbian activist). I would have found it better if you specifically stated where the girl was originally from and not her religious background. There are certain regions of the world which have Muslims and practice arranged marriage (Pakistan, India, Saudi Arabia) and others that predominantly don’t (Lebanon, Chechnya, Albania, Turkey).

 

[MedStudentWanna]

You don't understand that being Muslim has nothing to do with being "strict and domineering." I find it very offensive when people generalize the Islamic religion as a culture. Arranged marriage is part of certain regions which are predominantly Muslim. There are regions of the world which practice arranged marriage and practice Christianity, Hinduism, Buddhism, etc. “Muslims” number around 1.5 billion and are very diverse. There are “Muslims” like Osama Bin Laden (a terrorist) and Irshad Mangi(A liberal-Islamist-lesbian activist). I would have found it better if you specifically stated where the girl was originally from and not her religious background. There are certain regions of the world which have Muslims and practice arranged marriage (Pakistan, India, Saudi Arabia) and others that predominantly don’t (Lebanon, Chechnya, Albania, Turkey).

Um, I'm Muslim. I think you're looking for insults where none exist. Her parents were Muslim and it has nothing to do with being strict or domineering. Better?

 

[MedStudentWanna]

so why post it?

Because you don't own this forum? If you don't like the thread, browse on by.

Man, some of you are going to end up being judgmental d**** of a doctor.

 

[zanaida10]

Hi i'm south indian, so I know how "Indian Parents" can become a pain when it comes to marriage. Arranged marriage can be a good thing or a bad thing, but you should not be thinking about that now.

How old are you? Nowadays most desi girls I know get married at like 26 or 27, so you should probably be done with med school by then.

Residency? Well thats another issue. But for now, do not give up your dream. Talk to your parents, they will understand.

Good luck

I'm 20, they've been looking for two years already....

 

[zanaida10]

Because you don't own this forum? If you don't like the thread, browse on by.

Man, some of you are going to end up being judgmental d**** of a doctor.

THANK YOU SO MUCH! I'd bake you a brownie right now if I could. There really should be something for desi kids in this situation. It gets so out of hand and I hate it when people who don't care butt in and tell you to shut up. Just get on with your life and don't listen.

 

[Zakaqel]

I'm Muslim too😀. You said, "Her Muslim parents -- very strict and domineering." I know you didn’t intend to insult Muslims(because you are one), but it seemed like you were stereotyping Muslims parents as strict and domineering. It would have been better to have left out the “Her Muslims parents” part. It’s unnecessary and irrelevant to the comment that you wrote. No harm done…

Salamz


Salamz

 

[135892]

THANK YOU SO MUCH! I'd bake you a brownie right now if I could. There really should be something for desi kids in this situation. It gets so out of hand and I hate it when people who don't care butt in and tell you to shut up. Just get on with your life and don't listen.

Why don't you do the same (in regards to your situation). This isn't intended to be a rhetorical question, I'm curious...

 

[MedStudentWanna]

I'm Muslim too😀. You said, "Her Muslim parents -- very strict and domineering." I know you didn’t intend to insult Muslims(because you are one), but it seemed like you were stereotyping Muslims parents as strict and domineering. It would have been better to have left out the “Her Muslims parents” part. It’s unnecessary and irrelevant to the comment that you wrote. No harm done…

Salamz


Salamz

I meant they were Muslim but also were strict and domineering. I included the Muslim part because Islam is a religion that's particularly offended by homosexuality and the person I was speaking of was a lesbian. If her parents were Catholic, I would have said that too just because *most* strict Catholics I know are against homosexuality when it comes to their kids.

 

[zenlike]

I've been brought up in America but I still am devoted to my parents and I absolutely refuse to hurt them by disobeying their wishes completely.

I'm a girl and I'm pre-med and I refuse to give up medicine.

it rarely works out if the girl gets married without even being in med school that she ends up in med school after marriage.

parents need to be involved in my marriage

I've been getting proposals for a while and I've managed to sabotage them all in unique ways because I'm also in love with someone else.

He's 100% unacceptable to my parents.

And I refuse to give up pre-med, I'd give up the guy I love first.

Okay. I'm going to rephrase this to make sure I've got it all correct.

1) You are unwilling to disobey your parents if there's any way they will find out.
2) You are unwilling to give up pre-med.
3) An arranged marriage will destory you career in medicine.
4) You love some guy but that's the least of your concerns.

That being said, if #2 means that you aren't willing to give up pre-med but you are willing to give up medical school, then you just need to hold out for two more years and then marry whomever your parents tell you to.

If by pre-med, you mean a career in medicine, then you need to decide whether or not #1 or #2 is more important to you. They seem mutually exclusive. I would guess your parents are more important, so, in that case, you may as well marry whomever they ask you to when they want you to and give up medicine.

If #2 is more important, you should follow the advice given to you by the rest of Western society.

 

[GoldShadow]

I'm Muslim too😀. You said, "Her Muslim parents -- very strict and domineering." I know you didn’t intend to insult Muslims(because you are one), but it seemed like you were stereotyping Muslims parents as strict and domineering. It would have been better to have left out the “Her Muslims parents” part. It’s unnecessary and irrelevant to the comment that you wrote. No harm done…

I don't see anything wrong with writing "her muslim parents".

The truth is, most immigrant Muslim parents are strict, and sometimes domineering.

I say this because I also come from a Muslim family.

 

[SStorm]

I'm desi and a guy (so slightly different than you). Like you, I'm in my early 20's and now I'm in med schools. And now I have marriage offers/requests by prospective girls. I find the attention flattering but my parents discrete and sometimes non-discrete attempts to force me to marriage were just starting to annoy me.

Finally, I sat them down and told them straight up that I would not get an arranged marriage. They're welcome to "introduce" me to prospective girls, but I told them that the final decision is both mine and said girls and that the parents had little to no say in the actual matter of marriage. I also told them that there is no way in hell I would get married before the end of medical school. Medical school (and premed life) is simply too time consuming for me to be fair to both my professional ambitions and to a wife. I know that some people deal well with both and I am constantly astounded by them. I don't think I'm at a point where I could seriously consider that and it sounds to me like you are not either.

Suffice to say, my parents were not pleased, but nor were they incredibly angry either. It does help that my parents are fairly liberal (for Desi parents at least), but I've heard similar stories from some of my other friends.

My advice, sit them down and talk to them frankly and honestly. Tell them why you do not get married and if tell them of this serious relationship too. They are part of your life and I think that you'll hurt them less in the long run if you tell them everything up front.

 

[sweetsaja]

don't worry, things will work out for the better. im a muslim premed as well going through the same issues as you. i got tons of proposals during high school, all "perfect" guys according to my parents, but none of them fit with me. i just told my parents that i wanted to get into med school first and then worry about this stuff. they told me it was possible to do both. so, everytime a proposal came, i rejected them. and sure this made my parents mad however, finally a proposal came that for some reason just "clicked" i let my parents carry on with it and didn't reject it. i talked with the guy and made sure he knew that medicine was my passion and that we would have to accomodate that into our lives if we got married. it doesn't mean that you're not family oriented, just that you also want to fulfill your dream. now he totally understands that i really want to be a doctor so he's willing to support me in whatever way he can. i was surprised to meet such a guy cuz growing up in a predominantly white area, i had a slightly negative viewpoint of desi guys and couldn't imagine marrying one of them. we've gotten to know each other while im in college, and are hopefuly getting married after i graduate. as a desi girl, you may be expected to make a lot of sacrifices, but if you strive for what you want you can achieve it. i will be taking 1-2yrs off after graduation, but for sure, i will not give up on this dream. i never wanted to waste time in being a dr. but now im ok w/it. i'll have a husband to financially and psychologically support me during the journey and i get a little break before med school. i will continue to pad my application during my gap time. also, at this point my parents even realize how imp medicine is to me and now even they tell me not to stop after marriage. it' strange bc i had to fight them before to even let me do premed in the US cuz they wanted me to choose a field where i could have a family (like teaching) or go to pakistan and do med school where it's only 5 yrs. i know there will be issues like when to have kids, etc but we can work through these things as long as its clear that we value both the family and career. both are possible. will it be difficult? yes! possible? definately. also, since you're almost done with college, any proposal you may have could be pushed to an engagement around graduation and wedding after 2yrs of med school maybe even 4yrs. i hope i helped some, let me know if you have any questions.

 

[Zakaqel]

I don't see anything wrong with writing "her muslim parents".

The truth is, most immigrant Muslim parents are strict, and sometimes domineering.

I say this because I also come from a Muslim family.

Goldshadow, I know it seems like I'm trying to disagree just to disagree, but I'm not. I don't think most Muslim parents are "strict and domineering." If by strict and domineering you mean they highly discipline their kids, then I agree with you. If by strict and domineering you mean that they don’t allow their children to drink, have homosexual relationships and other “Haram” (forbidden) things, then I disagree with you.

And about the “immigrant” part. I know a lot of immigrant parents who are irreligious and not strict with kids that are hard-core Muslim

 

[Textuality]

I grew up with pretty domineering and expectant asian parents. But I also started rebelling at the age of 14... I really do think the earlier you start to "rebel" against them, the easier it'll be on both of you. The longer they think they know what's best for you, the harder it'll be to convince them otherwise.

I'm sorry about all the insensitive comments you get about growing a spine. I guess some people just don't consider being possibly disowned by your parents something to get upset about. I think it's nice that you want to keep your parents in your life, but eventually you'll have to do it on terms, and I think you might as well start setting the boundaries now rather than later.

My parents still don't agree with me, but we've been fighting since I was 14...I've just worn them down at this point, heh. We've gone through the threatening phase, and the crying phase, the bribing phase, the guilt phase, the ultimatum phase, and back to multiple threat phases. Now they just give me sad looks and look beaten, occasionally they get angry and bitter at me, but at least they let me live my life. Actually, we've reached a set up where I just lie and tell them what they want to hear, my mom told me she just prefers it this way, she doesn't really want to know the truth if it will just upset her that much. Go figure. Asian parents can be so odd.

 

[bozz]

Waiiiit a minute,

these guys that you're getting proposals from, are they American... or are they straight from India. I feel like you will have no problem telling a guy brought up in America that you do no like him and like someone else. He will agree.

It's probably different if it's somebody straight from India though. Tell the guy that you are getting proposals from that you simply cannot do it. You have another guy in mind. NO guy, no matter how small their self-esteem/ego is will want to put up with that.

 

[insane]

as altaf hussain says (he had his dissertation yesterday) we have a soundtrack mismatch the parents see what they grew up in and try to raise us like they were raised, my cousin is 27 and in a mstp program his parents are like my parents very conservative he sat down and told them theres no way in hell he is getting married until at least his 2nd year of residency and his parents had to accept because they can arrange what ever they want but in the end the marriage is not going through unless you approve.

In all honesty i think you need to sit down with your parents and tell them that you are not interested in getting married until you finish med school.

I saw a similar although less drastic situation with my best friend, his parents both doctors, his oldest sister in med. school, his brother going to med. school next year decided that he wanted to go into business[undergrad], his parents were devastated but he sat down and told them that he wanted to go into business, I saw his dads face, i swear his felt like his son had failed him but he has now accepted that business will be best for him.

sorry for typos half of my left hand is taped together 🙁 broken finger.

 

[silverlining1]

Actually, we've reached a set up where I just lie and tell them what they want to hear, my mom told me she just prefers it this way, she doesn't really want to know the truth if it will just upset her that much. Go figure. Asian parents can be so odd.

I actually had this exact same situation. I was really mystified and almost sickened that my parents preferred lies over the truth.

I finally stopped dating the guy that I had to lie about because I couldn't take the tension with my parents. I found another guy that I loved, and that my parents really liked too. It felt wonderful to be happy and to have my parents happy too. Unfortunately, he just dumped me. Ah, such is life.

 

[tiedyeddog]

You only live once. If you do it right, once is enough.

 

[dArroway]

Because you don't own this forum? If you don't like the thread, browse on by.

Man, some of you are going to end up being judgmental d**** of a doctor.

calling a person "judgmental" then calling them a "d***", how charming.

 

[Hurricane95]

How do you marry someone you barely know (if at all?) What if you are not attracted to them, or they have bad hygiene and you don't want to get near them...or a really boring personality that turns you off? Do you wing it and hope to eventually somehow fall in love with the person you were forced to marry?

I ask these questions not to be disrespectful but our of sheer ignorance I guess...I just cannot imagine getting hitched for life with someone you really have not had time to get to know and love...it seems very artificial and odd. I have several Indian friends, and many of them come from very conservative families, yet I suppose they are more americanized. They all seem to agree that their parents introduce them to people they may be interested in, but that's it. There's little forcing or pressure. Thier parents just try to help them meet potential mates, but after the intro, they let their kids decide if they want to date or not.

I think you really need to sit down and have a serious talk with them. As mad as they may get initially, it will be better than waiting for a moment in the future. The pressure will probably only get worse as you get older, so it would probably be best to address it now.

To throw in my personal $0.02, I'm of mediterranean/latin descent and my family extending way back has always been very traditional Roman Catholic. My parents are a bit more liberal because they came to the US relatively young, but they still retained a lot of the values drilled into them by my grandparents. Hence, they expected me to date only girls who were very traditional catholic...even though, ironically, I myself was not raised to be such a major zealot (have plenty of faith yes, but am not militant about church teachings and being in mass EVERY single week). I hit a roadblock when (many years ago) I started dating my first gf, who was catholic, but not too observant. They threw a pissy fit, even though she was exactly like me, because they seemed to think I had to find a girl who was 100% straight out of the convent (to keep me in line, i don't know?). I sat them down and had that major talk with them. Sure, they didn't like her at first, but eventually got over it and accepted her after a month or so. Ever since then in my late teens they never again gave me problems because they now trust my judgment. I'm picky and selective, and smart enough to date girls who are worth it. I don't need guidance in my love life because I know what's best for me. Obviously I did something right because here I am, finishing med school in two more years and I have yet to get anyone pregnant or get thrown in jail. It's all about trust, and once they trust your judgment you'll have a lot more freedom and flexibility. I know their intentions were good and in my best interest (they didn't want me to get suckered in by a girl with no morals who only wanted to date me for my future doctor money), but at some age you have to start making your own decisions, culture and respect aside.

 

[MDpride]

Waiiiit a minute,

these guys that you're getting proposals from, are they American... or are they straight from India. I feel like you will have no problem telling a guy brought up in America that you do no like him and like someone else. He will agree.

It's probably different if it's somebody straight from India though. Tell the guy that you are getting proposals from that you simply cannot do it. You have another guy in mind. NO guy, no matter how small their self-esteem/ego is will want to put up with that.

Not all Guys from India are close and narrow minded. You have to meet to know.
I immigrated from India few years back and I am very open minded person. Good thing is my parents listen when I talk to them.
I know they will prefer caring, understanding Indian or Caucasian girl who respects them and our culture.
Alos, my relatives and neighbours in India were open minded and insisted on their daughter getting excellent education.In fact, they let their daughter study as much she wanted without pressuring for marriage.

In short, it varies from family to family and from person to person.

 

[decafplease]

After reading this thread I've decided that you shouldn't say anything about any ethnicity, religion, country of origin, or the like if you don't want to offend someone. Jeez. 🙄

To the OP, I have no good advice for you. I'm Caucasian and was encouraged to marry outside of my ethnicity ("bigger gene pool" my mom said) and whomever I wanted. I wish you all the luck in the world. I think you've gotten some great advice on here. I hope it all turns out well for you.

 

[digitalising]

Just to clarify for others on the forum, in the vast majority of arranged marriages, both girl and boy have to consent. It's not like in the Simpsons where it's arranged at birth (although I'm sure that it happens like that in some areas/families). Hence, the final choice and consent is given by the two who are going to be married. In general, it would be a mistake to think of them as barbaric.

To the OP, you have to talk to your parents. You can't just keep making excuses, because eventually the excuses will run out and your parents will be even angrier when they have a list of guys as long as their arms that you've rejected. You have to make them understand that you're not being skanky, but you want to focus on your education. This will be difficult if they already have their suspicions.

Speaking about suspicions, about your boyfriend/paramour - while I understand that it's a touchy subject due to the religion difference, you might want to consider how your parents would react if they find out that you've been seeing this other guy without their knowledge. I'm sure you've already thought about this, but if they suspect that you're running around already, imagine how they'll feel about you when they find out that you're in love with someone who they disapprove of.

By the way, are you sure about the disapproval? Sometimes people assume that their parents won't approve when it's not the case. Even if they do approve, the fact you didn't tell them for so long might be an issue. Case in point - my mother is fairly liberal by Indian standards, but if I had a serious girlfriend for a year (or a couple of months probably) and didn't tell her, I know there would be some words and dense items thrown strategically at my head.

In summary, unless you hew completely to your parents' line, you're going to be disappointing them in some way, either in marrying someone they disapprove of or not being a "good wife" by disobeying the SOB who tells you that you have to give up medical school for his sake. You need to come clean so that you can focus on studying and getting into medical school, rather than dealing with the nonsense of matrimonial machinations.

Best of luck.