anyone in here desi and dealing with arranged marriage issues?

[digitalising]

After reading this thread I've decided that you shouldn't say anything about any ethnicity, religion, country of origin, or the like if you don't want to offend someone. Jeez. 🙄

To the OP, I have no good advice for you. I'm Caucasian and was encouraged to marry outside of my ethnicity ("bigger gene pool" my mom said) and whomever I wanted. I wish you all the luck in the world. I think you've gotten some great advice on here. I hope it all turns out well for you.

My mother said I could marry an Asian girl if she could make good hot and sour soup. I'm not sure how serious she was, but so far all the girls I've met make dumplings.

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[bsnmed]

I've lived in South Asia. From my experiences back home this is what I have to say:

1) Don't buy the cultural argument.

There are many aspects of our "culture" that discriminate and suppress woman. People often try to make us feel guilty when we ask for rights equal to those of our male counterparts because it somehow goes against our "culture." Have you ever questioned the legitimacy of this "culture"? This "culture" represents a set of traditions/expectations that are highly biased against women. Just because this "culture" has been carried on throughout generations doesn't necessarily mean it is just or legitimate. You need to be strong enough to challenge certain cultural expectations when they clearly go against your own principles. If you believe men and women are equal then why should you succumb to a different set of standards? Why should you give into the biased expectations of your "culture"? You would then be a hypocrite. Never sacrifice your principles.

2) Don't fall into the guilt trap.

I know your parents are very important to you and you deeply respect them. However, by choosing your future you are NOT disrespecting them. If your choice happens to be the opposite of what they want, you should let them know. If you lie to them, that would be a sign of disrespect. Finally, no matter how mad they are at you and how much they scream at you, keep reminding them of how much you love and respect them. Keep calm. Eventually, they will realize that by disowning you/getting mad at you they cannot change your mind...and finally they will accept your choice. Why? Because they love you (even though they never say it!) and the separation hurts them just as much as it hurts you. The key is to keep calm, be rational and avoid the guilt trap. If you start feeling guilty, then you will panic and be emotionally burdened...and eventually make the worst decision of your life under the pressure of your parents. The end result? You will be miserable and your parents will also be sad once they see the unhappiness written all over your face.

Hope that helps!

 

[TexasTriathlete]

I am suffering with a similar issue. I am not desi, or in any kind of danger of an arranged marriage, but I will say that an arranged marriage would appeal to me, under certain circumstances.

I am a hair over 6'4", and about 230 pounds. I am a good athlete, but not upper-level good. That is, I was never at risk of going pro in anything, or even a high-d1 scholarship.

I would like to breed with someone like Serena Williams, so that my children can succeed where I could not. Do any of you know someone who could arrange that?

 

[hermit]

-------- Oops. My joke was pretty much the same as Texas Tri's. Deleting.....

 

[ayushman80]

Let me start off by saying that I am an Indian guy, happily married, 28 years old, and a pre-med; so my comments are geared from that perspective. I can understand you wanting to respect your parents wishes and that is a very good thing. It shows that you are a really good person.

The first question that I should ask is....are you ready to commit your life to someone? From your post it doesn't seem like you are. And if you aren't then you must absolutely sit down and lovingly explain your position to your parents. Trust me in the end they will love you anyways. You are over 18 and no one can force you to do anything (except yourself). But you must think, how are you in anyways different than the young girl 50 years ago who didn't want to get married? Even in India there are laws against forced marriges. They were put in place because people had the foresight to see the damage they were causing in their own lives. I am not saying that your parents will force you to marry anyone. However, they will try to make you see the world through their perspective. Show them that if you get married without becoming a doctor first that your married life will suffer. NO PARENT wants that.

My next question is...who is your future fiancee? Is he an american born indian or is he from india? There is A HUGE difference. If he is from india I highly caution you about marrige. American raised indian girls and India raised guys GENERALLY (not alwyas) have SIGNIFICANT problems in their relationships. If you have any questions as to what type of problems I'm talking about please PM me. I'll be more than happy to explain. I know because some of my friends have gone through this. If the guy is born here you MAY have better luck. But even in america over 50% of the marriages end in divorce.

On the positive side of things. I had an arranged marriage and it is the best thing that ever happened to me. I love my wife and would do anything for her and she for me. I've been married 6 years now and we have an understanding between us that I think few marriages do. I can confidently say that we love each other more than most couples who go through "love marriages." I have supported her in her educational pursuits and if she wanted to be an MD/DO I would be elated and do everything in my power to make her dream come true. All I can say is that I'm looking forward to the next 50-60 years with her.

If you do decide not to go against your parents and accept a proposal you should place a couple of markers that will help you stay on track with your dream.

1) Make sure that you and your husband live ALONE and not with your or his family. This will help strengthen your marriage. Hmmm....I guess that you can use this as an argument with your parents also.
2) See if you can delay the marriage till you have been accepted into medical school.
3) Talk to the guy that you will be engaged to and explain to him what life in medicine is like.
4) I was engaged for more than 1 year and it helps reveal things that quick engagements dont! And remember that engagements are not vows and can be called off. It is not considered good but its better than a divorce or an unhappy life.
5) Please make sure that you and your fiancee' see a relationship counsler BEFORE and AFTER your vows. If any trouble comes up both of you must refrain from running to parents. It is critical that you use the counsler to teach you communication skills (something many guys naturally lack) and get the point across how important medicine is for you.

In the end the overall point is that once you are married life isn't only about you. Everything that you do effects your partner and vice versa. Marriage is the biggest decision you will make in your life, bigger than medicine, and it shouldn't be done under fear, cohersion, guilt, or blindfolded.

I hope that everything turns out well for you. good luck in your medical pursuits and PM me on SDN if you need further help!

 

[patiencebites]

screw it do what u want


It's what you really want to hear. As an adult, you ARE your culture, you and all the others out there who identify as such. So what you do IS the cultural norm. Doing something you don't want to do because of a tradition will not make you happy. Tradition is just what some other people did.

Don't tell me "women in my culture don't stand up to people", instead stand up to people yourself. Then they will say "not many women in your culture stand up to people" then "some do" then "they are independent, happy members of society".

Good luck.

 

[Perrotfish]

If it was me I would tell your parents to to go to... well where ever it is that bad people go in your religion.

However, if you have decided that you absolutely won´t do that and still want to stay premed (which to me is a little bit like saying you want to get thin but won´t stop eating, but nevermind), I´d say rush through the requirements (18 credit hour semesters and go in the summers) and commit yourself to either a high debt program or a military HPSP scholarship as quickly as possibly. Don´t even apply to your state schools, nothing that costs less than 60K a year is acceptable (unless you go with the military commitment option, of course). All you need to do is fend off off the marriage thing until it is either legally or financially impossible for you NOT to pursue the career of your choice, and your new designated hubby will be just have to deal with your career decision.

 

[lex]

I'm just going to warn everyone, this is a rant, it isn't grammatical correct and for people with straight forward lives that just put down their opposition and are going to say...screw it do what u want...please don't even read it. Its very culture sensitive, has to do with respect and boundaries and trying to maintain harmony even at the level of sacrificing individuality because Asian societies don't value the individual over the family unit usually. So please no advice telling me to "get strong and tell them off and do whatever i want."


So, I think I'm going to lose my mind and I'm hoping someone here has similar problems.

So I've been brought up in America but I still am devoted to my parents and I absolutely refuse to hurt them by disobeying their wishes completely.
I'm a girl and I'm pre-med and I refuse to give up medicine. Unfortunately for me, pre-med is just what you need to be as a girl to get rishtas (proposals) but once your married its over...although they will swear to god they will let u continue your education...but its so hard to pick your education over a loving husband because we're supposed to be supportive...anyways...it rarely works out if the girl gets married without even being in med school that she ends up in med school after marriage.

So my parents need to be involved in my marriage for their sanity and theres just so much cultural, religious and whatnot expectations i cant even go into it because its soooo long. So I'm 20, and I've been getting proposals for a while and I've managed to sabotage them all in unique ways because I'm also in love with someone else. For the last 3 years. And I want to end up with him. He's not ready to get married, and neither am I but I feel like we have a future and I'd rather wait for him then get married to someone else. Plus I'm in college- I wanna wait to get married just a little, I just hope I end up with him somewhere down the future. He's 100% unacceptable to my parents. He's a different religion. They will never accept it but I can't make myself want someone else.

Also, I got a proposal type thing yesterday. Basically theres nothing wrong with the guy. He's nice and charming and sweet and I'd really consider it if I was single and ready to get married or even in a position to like someone else. I'm not either. So my parents don't know I want to wait to get married because they'd go ballistic and think I just want to party and be skanky and have a dysfunctional life, and I'm using Medicine as an excuse to kinda break it with culture, but not really.

So, I know for most people this is an annoying rant and I apoligize but for the desi people out there (indian, pakistani, bengali) any advice on how to juggle these sensitive and fragile cultural issues? And I refuse to give up pre-med, I'd give up the guy I love first, but I love him because he never asked me too. And I think an arranged marriage- the guy will most probably ask or the family and the in laws will guilt you into it.


Thanks to all the input in advance, its just emotionally exhausting.

Let me be blunt here.

You said yourself you were raised in the U.S. You ARE an American, please start acting like one!!

If my parents did that to me, I would disown them.. yes, it would hurt their feelings.. but hey, parents need a little bit of beating at times. Teach them a lesson and show them that you're the boss of your own life. It's a free country, you can do whatever you want.

 

[thoffen]

Sounds to me that, whatever happens, you and your parents need to be on the same page if you want to have a continued relationship with them. You are making excuses while they are making expectations, and it's going to be a big mess if you don't start meeting in the middle. It might still be a big mess, but you don't really have a choice. My vote is to continually communicate with your parents. Don't start making ultimatums, but just try to get them to understand your point of view and be sympathetic to theirs. Over time, there may be a shot for everyone to be happy.

 

[twostep376]

To put it bluntly, I don't think it's possible to be truly satisfied if the major decisions that you make are for the satisfaction of some expectation put there by someone else. I can understand not wanting to disappoint family, etc. but at some point your life has to be your own.

👍

 

[Zakaqel]

Let me be blunt here.

You said yourself you were raised in the U.S. You ARE an American, please start acting like one!!

If my parents did that to me, I would disown them.. yes, it would hurt their feelings.. but hey, parents need a little bit of beating at times. Teach them a lesson and show them that you're the boss of your own life. It's a free country, you can do whatever you want.

Judging by what you wrote, you don’t have any experience with “Eastern” cultures. You can’t disown your parents, they can disown you. I don’t think you can act like an American;Americans (or any group of people) don’t have set characteristics.

I never understood the American opinion of the outside world. Why does it always have to be “act like an American.” In your comment, you said “act like an American” in the sense of “act like you have balls/you are free to do what you want to do”. Since when did all Americans (or the general American public) have a set of defined characteristics? Why do Americans think they are progressives out to change the world for the better? I’ve never heard a Brit tell an incoming immigrant. “Act like an Englishman.”

 

[JA Prufrock]

I’ve never heard a Brit tell an incoming immigrant. “Act like an Englishman.”

it's because they already got their asses kicked for taking up that kind of attitude.

 

[zenlike]

Does the OP intend to arrange her (potential) daughter's marriage?

 

[Perrotfish]

.

 

[zanaida10]

not beyond some general guidelines...
but no where near telling her which guy she should marry...

Does the OP intend to arrange her (potential) daughter's marriage?

 

[Sparda29]

I'm Desi, Muslim, and 20. I would have to say, keep up the good work and keep rejecting those proposals. You have to tell your parents what you want and come at some sort of agreement. Maybe just for them to help you meet others, but no expectations of marriage.

My parents somehow think that I will just agree to get married around age 25. I doubt it happening because I want to finish medical school or pharmacy school first.

By the way, how old are the guys who are sending the proposals?

 

[fireflygirl]

Sounds to me that, whatever happens, you and your parents need to be on the same page if you want to have a continued relationship with them. You are making excuses while they are making expectations, and it's going to be a big mess if you don't start meeting in the middle. It might still be a big mess, but you don't really have a choice. My vote is to continually communicate with your parents. Don't start making ultimatums, but just try to get them to understand your point of view and be sympathetic to theirs. Over time, there may be a shot for everyone to be happy.

👍 Good advice. Unless your parents are absolutely, totally unwilling to hear your view on this, then I think you have the chance now to give them the chance to see your point of view, and I already think yu have a good understanding of theirs. I thought my parents would never come around to certain things that were considered "very western" by their standards but after some very civil conversations and getting my sibs involved, they came around on some issues and I have to give them a lot of credit for that. It's going to be a long process but work on it a little every time the conversation comes up and hopefully they can feel like they will be involved in your marriage but also allow you to fulfill your dreams.

 

[Aesculapius]

You are the person in charge of your life, not your parents, despite the culture that you have grown up in. You get to make the choices that will control the path your life takes. Your parents could stop supporting you, or nag you, or even disown you, but there is no way, in this country, that they can force you to do something that you don't want to do. So you will simply have to weigh the consequences of your choices. It is unfortunate that you will probably be forced to accept some negative consequences for any choice. But I will say that I believe you will ultimately be happier if you live your life for yourself, and not for anyone else.