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Approval before I send this in..

Discussion in 'hSDN' started by vstexas09, Dec 30, 2008.

  1. vstexas09

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    Well, I'm applying to University of Texas at Austin--this Natural Science Honors program and it asks me what i want to do...since it's the holidays i have no one else to refer to but you guys...so can yall help me?

    the first asked about my goals:::

    here's what i wrote:

    Raised in a family whose interests have surrounded the sciences, I also have grown very fond of the idea of producing solutions in a problem domain. Amidst the application process, I have been looking for career options that could catch my eye. Although the search was arduous, I found that there were a few options open which I believed to allow for breakthrough opportunities for not only myself, but also for future generations. Neuroscience has recently emerged as that field which fosters countless opportunities for research, and in a complex society, it is necessary to simplify so we can truly understand how we, as a species, perceive our surroundings. Medicine has also caught my attention, seeing as how I enjoy nothing less but to serve the people in need. I feel as though if I pursue both choices, that as a person, I can ensure myself, and also, others around me, that I am leaning towards a progressive society, in which, I help everyone who has been left behind and need help getting back up.


    what can i change or what should i write...keep it short please!
     
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  3. broken tibula

    broken tibula mostly sleeping
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    First sentence, you didn't list a previous interest, thus, the 'also' is unnecessary. The first three sentences are written in the same format, which gets repetitive and irritating to the reader--I would suggest taking the second one and sticking 'amidst the application process' after 'catch my eye'. The fourth sentence needs a few dozen less subclauses. Sixth sentence, I'm baffled as to what you mean by ensuring yourself, and again, the subclauses are crazy.

    Also, you sound a bit like you swallowed an SAT Vocabulary book. Back off a little on the big words--you're supposed to show them that you're human, not intimidate them.

    And that is my probably way-too-rude, quick assessment. :D

    Just a note--a lot of colleges check essays for plagiarism. If they run yours through and they find this essay up on a public website, they'll either think that you ripped it off of another person or--potentially worse--they'll think it is you and check out what else you've said on SDN.
     
    #2 broken tibula, Dec 30, 2008
    Last edited: Dec 30, 2008
  4. GZA

    GZA Marcel who?
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    Your use of commas in the final sentence is nearly abusive. Also, "looking for career options that could catch my eye": maybe I'm deranged, but I feel this to be a callow way of expressing such an idea.

    I disagree with broken tibula on your diction: I do not find it excessive for a high school student.
     
    #3 GZA, Dec 31, 2008
    Last edited: Dec 31, 2008
  5. CScull

    CScull Is Positive, O Positive
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    Harsh Much Tibula? Haha, just... don't ever read my blog okay?

    Thanks for saying the thing about plagerism though; it's good to know for the future... I wouldn't have thought of that.
     
  6. glowworm

    glowworm inching along
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    Don't understand that sentence, and is "seeing as how" the correct way to express that? don't remember the rule, but it sounds wrong to me so you might want to check.

    As others said, you SERIOUSLY need to simplify that last sentence/ use fewer commas.
    I agree with the comment about the SAT vocab, but i'm not exactly on an admissions commitee so maybe you shouldn't listen to me;)
     
  7. Maygyver

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    I agree the number of commas in the final sentence is horrendous. Here's my quick suggestion:

    I believe that if I pursue both choices I can ensure myself and others around me, I will be leaning towards a progressive society, in which, I can help everyone who has been left behind and need help getting back up.


    I think this might flow better and I don't think the meaning is lost. You also might not need the commas around 'in which.' I've been taught in English courses to use commas sparingly as they can cause your sentences to become choppy.
     
    #6 Maygyver, Dec 31, 2008
    Last edited: Dec 31, 2008
  8. CScull

    CScull Is Positive, O Positive
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    Idk... the only seriously big word in there is 'progressive' but I think some words could be replaced by more correct synonyms.

    Oh. Arduous is a pretty nifty word in there too.... and admidst... but other than that I mean... haha
     
  9. broken tibula

    broken tibula mostly sleeping
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    Lol. I'm a total grammar Nazi, I know, but I don't say anything unless someone actually asks for it. Don't worry, your blog is safe!

    Re SAT vocab, I think I phrased my thoughts wrong--it isn't bad that s/he is using the words, but the structure of the sentences is poor enough that they look out of place. This looks like someone trying to use many impressive words without a decent grasp on how to go about doing it, so it ends up mismashed and stilted. That's why I think that some of the words should be, so to speak, "dumbed down"--if vstexas09 doesn't normally speak like this, she shouldn't try to be someone she's not just to impress people. It'll be painfully obvious.

    (vstexas09, I'm sorry if I sound harsh--I'm just trying to help you)
     
  10. glowworm

    glowworm inching along
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    :thumbup: excellent description.
     
  11. CScull

    CScull Is Positive, O Positive
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    Yaay. Thanks for not tearing me to pieces by commenting on my blogs and destroying my hopes of becoming this generations Faulkner (sp?) Tibula!

    Aahh the awkwardness. I get it.
     
  12. Maygyver

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    I agree with Broken. It seems as though you wrote it and then used a thesaurus to change some words. All-in-all it is pretty good though.
     
  13. Local

    Local Stop the Shananigans!i!i!
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    Hey, tib you should totally critique my essays from now on. :)
     
  14. tennisball80

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    Anyone here feel free to correct my grammar since English is my second language. :)
     
  15. broken tibula

    broken tibula mostly sleeping
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    Lol. Yeah, instead of carrying other peoples' babies, I'll just sell my mad grammar skillz.
     
  16. CScull

    CScull Is Positive, O Positive
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    But the disaproving parents!!!! You have to think of them before you make life altering decisions like these Tib.
     
  17. broken tibula

    broken tibula mostly sleeping
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    Oh... That's true. Also, I believe the real estate of my uterus has more value per-square-millimeter than does a page. Not to mention my head might explode from seeing so much terrible grammar.

    Never mind. Maybe just as a side job.
     
  18. CScull

    CScull Is Positive, O Positive
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    Sounds like a plan, and hey after you've rented your uterus out a few times you can start to expand your market to twins!

    (now THAT is how a crappy joke is done)
     
  19. broken tibula

    broken tibula mostly sleeping
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    *appropriate golf claps*
     
  20. CScull

    CScull Is Positive, O Positive
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    *delicate curtsy*


    Now, I have to let everyone know how Tib and I are completely dominating 3 threads right now.
     
  21. broken tibula

    broken tibula mostly sleeping
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    Seriously.

    Tennis, you want in on the action?
     
  22. CScull

    CScull Is Positive, O Positive
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    He's got onto one of the threads now... he just can't keep up with our awesomeness. It's totally understandable.
     
  23. tennisball80

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    Yes, please Madam.
     
  24. Local

    Local Stop the Shananigans!i!i!
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    Cscull and I still hold the record: 5 threads!
     
  25. CScull

    CScull Is Positive, O Positive
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    It's because we're so fit.
     

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