Avoiding the divorce phenomenon

[Mylaina]

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Hi! This really is a great thread! 🙂

dr.hope. I'm an MS-II, as well as my fiancee. He is at another school across the state. To give you a little bit of a female view. I'm in med school and I get frustrated when I want to be comforted or talk or visit with him and he has to study (the week before an exam) It doesn't become an argument or a fight because I don't voice it, but I feel the let down of being "pushed to #2" and I'm in the same situation! No one likes to be pushed aside or made to feel like they aren't the first priority in their s.o.'s life.

As for some of the comments... definitely make her feel special in the small ways. Stop at the market and get flowers on the way home, compliment her (sincerely) tell her she looks beautiful even if she's in sweats and exhausted (yes, people look cute this way too!) Especially now!! When I "push people away" I really want a hug or pursued. I would make every effort to show that you do care about her.

One of my classmates is non-trad and had his baby on the first day of school! His wife is a doc. also, and I believe the grandparents/day care are big parts of their lives. He has a commute to school also. His philosophy: Attend class every day. Study for a couple of hours when we get out early (like at 1 rather than 4 or 5) take the train home. Study on the train both ways. Books don't get touched while at home (except a little on weekends). How are you commuting to school? Could you use public trans? Invest in some good earplugs/walkman and you could get lots of memorization or reading done that way. Also, studying at home would be nice. It might take you 6 hours to complete 4 hours of work because of distractions, but if that makes your wife or kids feel like they are with you, it's worth it. I know that when my fiance and I are studying together (silent studying) I'm thrilled because I am seeing him!!

Good luck!

 

[Mylaina]

southcom....

How long have you been dating your gf? Is she pushing you to get married because you've been dating for 4 years? Or because of religious reasons (i.e. she wants to live together (or other religon "banned" activities) but won't before marriage) How old are the two of you? Do you want to marry her? Is marriage something that you both consider definite, it's just a matter of time? I think those are the most important questions to be asked. Also, are you going away to med school while she finishes med school?

Having spent a year in med school, beginning to plan my wedding, and talking to other students about their weddings, here is the scoop. This is from female point of view-- we tend to spend more time prepping for the wedding. Summer after the first year is the best time to get married (no boards), Second year sucks. Summer after third year is also good--- plan for your psych or another "easy" rotation right before the wedding (some schools give you a 2 week summer break).

A wedding can take 2 years to research and plan (depending on your situation and what you want). I'm beginning to book things, and I'm getting married in 2 years!! It's a big process, and if it's easier for her to plan a wedding during this year or that year, that might be why she's pushing you to get married.

I'm sure you don't want to put a lot of personal stuff on her, but find out *why* she wants to get married. You use the word push-- seems kind of reluctant on your part... And look into yourself and what you want! Keep in mind that weddings are a little less stressful if they occur with a long engagement! 🙂 Good luck!

 

[Nanon]

Hope, I've been married a really long time, and my hubby and I came very, very close to divorcing after I went back to school. It took 2 years of therapy to get us back on track, and I learned during that time that school wasn't actually the culprit I'd originally thought it was. We just sucked at communicating with one another. Nine years into this, and we still sometimes go back to Dr. Brusman for the occasional tune-up.

Suggest therapy, and then stick to it for a while. I personally believe no marriage should end without it, especially when kids are involved. Besides, most of the stuff we fight about in a marriage is a cover for something deeper that we aren't taking responsibility for, and there is no one guilty party when stuff starts to fall apart.

I'm really sorry this is happening to you right now. Good luck to you.

Nanon

 

[KyGrlDr2B]

I think living together definitely depends on the situation as to whether it will work or not. I have sort of a unique situation because my boyfriend and I are in the same medical school class. We've been dating 4 yrs in october and he was basically living at my apartment last year. He slept over every night and then began studying there too. This drove me crazy because we had to share a bathroom and my 1 bedroom apt did not leave enough room for 2 people to be together all the time. The solution?? Move in together. We now have a 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom, very large apartment so that we can go our separate ways if need be. I would never have moved in with him if I did not foresee a future for us. But if we don't end up getting married, so what, at least living together is working out well for us right now.

So don't go spouting off statisitics about how people who live together are more likely to divorce. Every couple's situation is different, as are their intentions. I'd like to know the stats for couples who move in together between 1st and 2nd year and are both med students...

 

[Mylaina]

Those divorce stats from people living together before marriage came from a recent study that was all over the mainstream media. I can't remember what organization or school of thought did the study (meaning- whether or not it had religious connotations). It's results stated that more young adults are living together before marriage and that more of them ended in divorce than those who did not live together. This was attributed to the fact that the couple entered into living together as a casual thing, and therefore didn't put the maximal effort into making a marriage work (thus giving up at the easiest time rather than sticking it out and working at it) than couples who were married and then moved in together.

I can see this as true for couples that are not seriously commited before they co-habitate (i've heard of people moving in after 5 months!) but a lot of couples are engaged or strongly considering marriage or have been dating for 5 years before they move in together. Obviously, these people who take their relationships and decisions more seriously would have a better chance of making it work.

I don't remember the study very well anymore, but I remember there was something shady about it...

 

[gwyn779]

Well, I just got married, but my husband and I lived together for 2 years beforehand. Actually, our first trial of living together was one summer during college. I thought it was great, because we DID both have a way out if things didn't work. Much better than going though a marriage to figure that out. Anyway, he said he'd move with me wherever I went to med school, which is what he did. He ended up proposing a couple months after moving in. From my experience and what I've heard from others, the hardest part about making a marriage work involves mundane things like money. Living together makes you deal with those issues.

mylaina - my wedding was between 2nd and 3rd year. it was also very simple, which I wanted anyway, so it wasn't a big deal. Sure, I did more of the planning than my husband did, but not much.

 

[Mylaina]

gwyn779... Yes, smaller weddings are much easier to plan-- I meant in cases of bigger weddings. My planning of a wedding is mostly preventing my mom from having too many crazy ideas. Plus, I have a ton of relatives, so I need to do a lot of "shopping" for the best deals. 🙂 I didn't know what sort of wedding was being referenced, so I went with the "biggest/hardest" time scale in my experience.

 

[mudbug]

Originally posted by gwyn779
my wedding was between 2nd and 3rd year. it was also very simple, which I wanted anyway, so it wasn't a big deal. Sure, I did more of the planning than my husband did, but not much.

gwyn, was that stressful because of boards? How did you plan around the test so that it worked out? I always thought that would be a time to avoid having a wedding, because you wouldn't want any distractions while studying for Step 1. I'm curious how your experience played out.