Being a mom and surgery residency

[double elle]

Hi there.
I would like a bottom-line, no BS opinion of how difficult it is to do a surgery residency while raising a child. I have a 17-month old daughter that I simply adore. I fell in love with surgery...and have looked at other specialties - but nothing else seems to interest me much.

Guys - no offense, but I would really like to hear from any women surgical residents.

My husband is great - but has his own full-time job, as well as other things he loves to do - hunting and being outdoors. I can't expect him to drop everything to be a full-time dad.

I expect to work hard...but when I'm finished, I don't want to wish I hadn't taken this route because my daughter will be 7 and will have missed out on her entire childhood...

Any input???

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[njbmd]

Hi there,

There are plenty of female residents in my program who have children and have been pregnant while in the program. We also have a female attending who gave birth last year. No, you can't spend 24/7 with your child and you may not see him/her take their first steps but you can combine motherhood with surgical residency.

You have to have an excellent support system. This means that you need excellent and dependable childcare. For you, this is as important as the educational experience in your residency program. You will not be able to leave during the day for emergencies unless your work is done. Most program directors do not want to hear about domestic problems and the need to leave your job. You just have to make sure that you have good support.

Try to find a program that has other females. Here, many folks will cover for each other and support each other. We just try to help each other as much as possible. Some of the male residents had children last year and we all covered so that they could have some time home with the new babies. Look for this in your program. We also have attending physicians both male and female who support families too. Ask the female residents how they manage. Many of the wives of the male residents who are stay at home moms, have been very willing to assist the female residents with childcare duties. Like I said, our program is very family-friendly.

Every mother who has to leave a child at home or in day care feels guilty about the process. The children seem to thrive and make the adjustments. With the new 80-hour work week, you should have more time at home with the husband and kids. You just won't be spending hundreds of hours in the hospital which should make the residency more family friendly.

Beware, being a general surgery attending will cause you to have many more hours than 80 per week in order to make a decent living. You hours will rise after residency so plan for this. Also, some residency programs (UVa included) have research years with hours that are near 40 per week so you can have some quality time at home with your youngsters during this period.

Good luck!
njbmd

 

[Amy]

What program are you in? Do you have any suggestions for how to seek out "family friendly" residency programs?

 

[DadiyaMD]

Originally posted by Amy
What program are you in? Do you have any suggestions for how to seek out "family friendly" residency programs?

Maybe you just didn't notice. She is from UVa. Check out her Avatar...also she mentioned it in her reply...it's ok, Amy...everyone has their days

 

[tsj]

The children seem to thrive and make the adjustments. With the new 80-hour work week, you should have more time at home with the husband and kids.

Yes that is true, but still 80 hours a week is an incredible amount of time. However since her kid is going on 2, it should be a lot more doable than having a baby in residency.

To have a baby during the first couple of years of residency would be so incredibly difficult unless your husband starts lactating or is willing to tend to the baby 100%. Those little things need to eat every two-three hours the frist few months, plus the hour-long crying/screaming spells and having to get up and stroll the kid in the middle of night to try to console them. You'd start wishing that they would do away with the 80 hour work week so you could be on call Q3 and get some rest at the hospital. But people have done it, and no one has ever died of exhaustion.

If you can wait until you are a senior resident or do your residency at a place like Kaiser where they are "soft".

 

[militarymd]

Do it in the military....They follow the residency rules much better than the civilian world, and as a bonus, you won't get deployed if you're pregnant.

Hours are much better after residency too

 

[Leforte]

You'll just get deployed when your kid is 6 months....

 

[Foxxy Cleopatra]

As a female surgery resident, here's my opinion:

If you (or anyone, for that matter) would not have entered surgery if the 80-hour workweek wasn't proposed, then I'd REALLY think long and hard before going for general surgery.

I don't feel that choosing a career based partially on lifestyle issues makes one any less of a physician. I actually think it makes you pretty smart to realize your priorities.

There are some programs that probably really do follow the 80-hour rule. I interviewed at >10 and guess what? They ALL went on (without me asking or prompting) that they comply when I know for a fact of several that do not.

Residency is one small part of the huge picture. Even if a program does comply, what about life after residency? Sure, some people may be able to get jobs where there are several in a practice together that cross-cover for one another, but most that I know ALWAYS are on-call for their patients. I also know a few people that are having a hard time even finding a job at all, let alone one where they could have more control over thier hours. This means cancelling plans, getting out of bed back into the hospital in the middle of the night a sometimes multiple times a week, working every day of the week, etc.

I also think there is a double standard when it comes to male physicians with children versus females. I do not think this is fair, but it's out there. Very few of the female residents and attendings at my current program and at my home school are married, and not ONE of them has any kids. However, most of the guys are married with families. I'm not a huge women's libber or anything, but I think that having a child as a surgeon is much more held against women than it is against men. I am not married nor do I have kids, however, if a fellow resident did get pregnant, I would cover for her just because...

Seriously, if you are considering surgery, I would investigate any program you are considering long and hard. I would also try to remember that lifestyle after residency is not a walk in the park, either. Then, I would not feel bad about it if you decide general surgery is not for you. I think there is no crime in doing ENT, urology, or ophtho if you are technically inclined and lifestyle issues are a high priority.

good luck

 

[Neuron]

Originally posted by Foxxy Cleopatra

I also think there is a double standard when it comes to male physicians with children versus females. I do not think this is fair, but it's out there. Very few of the female residents and attendings at my current program and at my home school are married, and not ONE of them has any kids. However, most of the guys are married with families. I'm not a huge women's libber or anything, but I think that having a child as a surgeon is much more held against women than it is against men.
good luck

Hi,

I disagree. I don't think this phenomenon (if it really exists) is due to a 'double standard', or that 'having a child as a surgeon is much more held against women than it is against men'. It is much more likely to be due to more male surgeons having stay at home wives, whereas most female surgeons are likely married to equally successful men who have career demands of their own.

 

[Foxxy Cleopatra]

Originally posted by Neuron
Hi,

I disagree. I don't think this phenomenon (if it really exists) is due to a 'double standard', or that 'having a child as a surgeon is much more held against women than it is against men'. It is much more likely to be due to more male surgeons having stay at home wives, whereas most female surgeons are likely married to equally successful men who have career demands of their own.

Hi-

Agree to disagree (at least somewhat...)

What you said is often true, however, the problem IMO is pretty complex. Though there are no mothers in my surgery program, at the places I visited as a student, the dedication/priorities/etc. of a woman in surgery with a family were much more likely to be called into question than a man of the same level/age. I can think of one instance pretty vividly- and this physician's husband WAS a stay-at-home dad.

Not to say that this cannot be overcome or that it is limiting to a successful training/ career, but in at least some parts of this country, there is still quite a bit of traditional thinking out there.

 

[banner]

Have we learned nothing from the delusions of the Baby Boomers and the damage those delusions have cost society?

How can one possibly be an adequate parent and work 80 hours a week? Anyone with common sense would tell you this is ridiculous. And, definately, anyone not in medicine (whether they have common sense or not), would tell you this is impossible.

Are you planning on waking your kid up every night at 10PM or every morning at 5:00 AM to be with them for 20 minutes? Is that sufficient parenting?

Do you think that the 4 days off a month you get is ample time to raise a child, even if you spent each of those days entirely with your child?

Who is going to care for your son or daughter when they're sick, while your in the hospital pre-oping the gomes until 3 AM?
What kind of message does that send?

"Mommy/Daddy loves you very much, but I love my career more."

 

[bobbyseal]

Holy Cow!!!

Did MilMD just recommend someone to do a military residency? I can't believe my eyes.

 

[apma77]

your children are going to love you since you will never be home...80hrs a week is NEVER home as far as raising kids is concerned.

if you feel comfortable someone else raising your child go for it. i know MOST women out there have a motherly instinct and wouldnt put their kids thru it.

but again,,,every year theres a few of your types out there who think you will "liberate" medicine and prove to the world how you can do it all

 

[Vincristine]

Banner and Apma77,
I can't tell if you hold the opinion that surgeons shouldn't be parents, surgeons shouldn't be women, or surgeons shouldn't be women and mothers......
Anyone you choose isn't a very sound in my book.

 

[apma77]

i have children also who are very young and i damn well know that if i am working 80 hrs a week and my wife works full time that also my kids will be shortchanged BIGTIME..it isnt bout being a surgeon or not,,its about child neglect

people should think bout this stuff before they decide to get knocked up and not be so selfish bout themselves and their career

 

[njbmd]

Originally posted by Amy
What program are you in? Do you have any suggestions for how to seek out "family friendly" residency programs?

Hi Amy,
When you are doing your on-line research for residency programs, look for programs that have a good proportion of female residents and attendings. Many programs will have e-mails for residents and attendings on-line. You can always e-mail a female resident, state that you are contemplating application to their program and ask about the program being "family friendly". You can do the same thing for attendings too. A good program is not going to refuse to answer your questions.

I can wholeheartedly recommend the University of Virginia Department of Surgery and the Department of Urology. The residents are a good, cooperative bunch and the PDs are very supportive of residents with and without families. Charlottesville is a good family oriented community too. That should be another thing that you should look for in a residency program.

If you are trying to move a family, you should investigate schools, churches, neighborhoods and cost of housing. When I lived in DC, I lived on Capitol Hill in a great neighborhood but I would not have wanted to send my kid to the DC public schools on Capitol Hill. The public schools in Charlottesville are wonderful.

When you have a family, you have to do some extra work and you might want to do an audition rotation at programs that you anticipate will be high on your rank list. You can get a first-hand idea of how cooperative and cohesive the residents are. You may also want to look at strong community-based surgery programs as they are generally more laid back than the academic programs.

As Ms Foxxy C said above, there is a double standard for female surgery residents in some places. We are the bearers of children and surgery is a very demanding residency. Sometimes it will break your heart to leave your child but as a woman, you will have to pull your weight in your program and be a good mother. Surgery can be combined with child-rearing but you have to make sure that your spouse is on board with you and that you don't end up in a place that exposes your children to elements that you would rather not have them interact with (drug-dealers, perverts, gang-members and thugs).

Good luck and add UVa to your list!
njbmd

 

[banner]

Keraven,

I said nothing about being a surgeon and a parent. Just that anyone working 80 hours a week or more should reconsider having children.

It doesn't matter what line of work you're in be it medicine or laying bricks. Man or woman. If your working 80 hours +, it is simply impossible to be with one's children adequately.

I'm sure there are examples of people "having it all", but those are really outliers.

There is only so many waking hours in a week. And simple arithmetic will tell you that when one is working for 80 or so of them, not many are left for the children.

One can overintellectualize and cry how unfair it is all one wants. But, screaming at the clock never made time slow down and it never will.

 

[Pilot Doc]

Originally posted by banner Just that anyone working 80 hours a week or more should reconsider having children.

Ergo no surgical resident should have children. Granted, that was the traditional model for men, but it certainly falls more heavily on women. Are you willing to come out and say you believe, as part of a general principle, that female surgery residents should not have children?

 

[fourthyear]

banner and ampa77 just totally reinforced what Foxxy was saying about the double standard.

Although both said "mother or father" would be bad parents working 80 hours a week, we all know the blame still falls more on the mother being a bad parent. For years, men were in surgery residencies working over 120 hours a week and most people didn't really call into question the integrity of their parenting - partly b/c they were securing their family's financial future, therefore performing an important parental (traditionally"fatherly" duty) and b/c fathers have not traditionally been expected to be the ones to be home for baths and mealtime and all those other things moms often take care of.

Men ARE taking a bigger role in parenting in our generation than in our fathers' or certainly grandfather's, but still, although most won't admit their prejudice, women are thought of as bad parents when they work too much, whereas men are not. Working women in all professions feel this guilt, and your attitudes banner and ampa77 are just unfairly adding to the guilt that working women feel and working men don't.

How many guys ask questions about their ability to parent during surgical residency? How many women? See the point?

 

[Amy]

Thanks a lot for your reply, njbmd!

 

[banner]

AMY-

I'm not sure who you're arguing with... me or society or the pressure you perceive from society.

Anyway, I can't speak for the rest of the world and its injustices. Nor will I take responsibility for them as you imply that I should. This is evidenced by the fact that I clearly stated that no one can be a good mother or father working 80 hours a week. Then, for some reason, I am accused of holding double standards for men and women. (And for the record, the "male" surgeons who worked 120 hours a week were bad parents in my book, and they should not have had children).

Since this accusation is based on nothing that I said, it appears that you are not really angry with me but at somebody or something else. I don't deny society has double standards for men and women. But, please don't accuse me of participating in those when you have no good reason to do it.

Also Amy, instead of excusing women who work 80 hours a week from labeled being bad parents because men escape the label (as you claim), you should argue instead for society to label men who work too much as bad parents.

No matter how much you feel society has been unfair to you or women in general, children still need a lot time with their parents. Using children as a pawn in this protest against double standards only ends of hurting the kids.

Pilot Doc - Why would I make the statement that no female surgical resident should have children? As I just pointed out to Amy, I never favored one sex or the other in my statements. Additionally, why are you trying to bait me into saying this? After all, my point is only that a person working 80 hours a week can't make a good parent. It has nothing to do with surgery itself, per se. I make a very direct claim. What you are trying to do is very indirect deduction, which may or may not be accurate, nor does it matter.

 

[Amy]

banner,

I'm not sure why your comments were directed at me... I think maybe you're replying to fourthyear's post? Either way, I must say that your blanket statement of "anyone working 80 hrs/ wk is a bad parent" is a bit harsh. Sure, you're not gonna have tons of time to spend with your child. But with lots of support from your spouse and other family members, the child will still be surrounded by family all the time. And after residency, you have a LOT more flexibility as far as hours. I'm of the opinion that if you feel emotionally ready to have a child, it can definately work (with a lot of planning, of course). In a marriage where both partners have a career, there's never a "good time" for a baby, but if both are willing to make sacrifices in their careers for other priorities, it will work.

 

[Pilot Doc]

Banner,

To begin, I agree that your posts have never advocated a double standard. They have been clearly, equally directed at all sexes and all jobs. I don't mean to bait you. I only mean to see if you will support a controversial (perhaps incindiary), and I think very direct, consequence of the general principle you hold.

1) No person working 80 hours a week can be a good parent. (your statement)
2) Female surgery resididents are a) people, and b) generally work around 80 hours per week. (facts)

Therefore, it seems clear that you would believe
3) Female surgery residents cannot be good parents.
3a) No woman who wants to be a good parent and a surgeon can have children before her mid thirties.

I don't claim that specific point is your agenda, only that it follows logically from your stated beliefs. So my question is: will defend a controversial position, relating to this thread, that is a direct consequence of a benign principle you put forth.

 

[apma77]

yes this woman is a true and wonderful parent for doing what she is!

NOW can we take attention off of her and talk about some other good issues on this forum!

 

[girlwithaknife]

I'm not a parent, but we do have several women who are mothers at our program. It seems to be a little easier for the women with older children. I agree 100% with a previous poster who said that you will need good, dependable child care, day and night, because you will not be responding to family emergencies. One of the attendings at my program likes to tell the story of the morning he received a call that his kid had been arrested and a parent needed to come in and pick him up. For some reason, the mother wasn't available, but he was about to go into surgery and couldn't pick the kid up either. He had to keep a cool head throughout the surgery while he made his kid wait in jail. His point was that, although your children may be your top priority, as a surgeon, you have elected to take responsibility for people who will need you more than your children do. This doesn't sit very well with some people, and these people should probably not become surgeons. You have to accept that by making your children your top priority, you are making sure someone trustworthy is available to pick them up from school when they are sick, but it probably won't be you. Although the example I described above is a somewhat extreme case, you are going to have a hard time finding a sympathetic ear when you ask to ditch clinic to go pick up your sick child. We all have our own personal issues and problems, and we all get resented when we let those interfere with our work.

 

[ESU_MD]

If you go into surgery you better have a real reliable network of babysitters and family, esp if your husband has a career of his own.

I guess you could do surgery, but I suspect you will encounter severe problems in your relationship. surgical residency is pretty stressful.

Just remember, the first time you ask someone to cover, or let you leave early so you can pick up your kid, etc.. it will be viewed as sign of weakness and your colleagues will resent you.

right or wrong- its reality.

if i were you I wouldnt do it

 

[Mirror Form]

From what I've seen I'd have to completely agree that it's very difficult to be even a half-decent parent during a surgery residency for either sex. Yes, women deal with more stigma from society then men in this regard. But, fathers who are too busy working to spend time with their kids have definitley not in any way, shape or form escaped being viewed negatively by society! Furthermore, the double standards do go both ways since there is something called thousands of years of history behind them. For example, if a father doesn't bring home the bacon for his family, he gets MUCH more stigma from society then a woman who doesn't.

I think that any females who want to do surgery should think very carefully about their priorities. Males have the luxury of slower biological clocks in terms of having kids. Men can always wait until residency is over and then have as many children as they want. Women can't do this, and as a result many female surgeons end up sacificing much more then men do to be surgeons. The alternative for women is to have kids during their surgical residency while not being able to be a good parent.

Then there is another question too. Most of the arguments here seem to be assuming that fathers and mothers are one and the same in terms of their bonds and interactions with children. Are they? Every society in the world has had the "mother role" for as long as history. Do you really want to be that fast to just toss it out the window by having kids during your surgical residency? Don't get me wrong, I'm not some redneck who thinks women aren't competent enough to do surgery. Since women have better fine muscle control, they're probably better at it. But I think the family and personal life ramifications are a lot tougher on women then men.

 

[tsj]

If you ask me women docs should have as many kids as possible, take as much maternity leave as possible and work part-time as much as possible. It leaves more work for the rest of us, and work equals $$$.

 

[SRBtP]

I'm not going to take any kind of position on the suitability of mothers to be surgical residents. I will only say this: every female surgical resident I've known who has had a child during residency has proceeded to lose their damn mind. Regardless of how good a mother you'll be as a resident, please consider your sanity.

 

[The_Id]

I am not a woman, but I have a relevant experience... when I started surgery residency, I was newly engaged and my wife moved to live with me next to the hospital, while she commuted an hour to work (9-5 job). She gets lonely very easily, and was home alone ALL the time (with no friends in the area). I was on call q3 (or q2), not going home post-call, so 2/3 of the time I was either at the hospital or passed out post-call. Knowing that she was home alone and miserable made working past 5pm TORTURE! I enjoyed being an intern and all, but every little page, every new patient, every late operation that kept me in the hospital past 5pm made me angry and sweaty. I was a mean guy after 5pm, and it was torture for me and everyone. I almost quit mid-year because I couldn't stand torturing my fiancee like that. If it was an infant at home waiting for me, I would probably have gone insane.

I think it is a tough decision, and every single thing I have heard on this thread seems very valid. Think hard. It very much depends on your situation. If your husband is also a surgical resident, for example, raising an infant would be nearly impossible in my opinion. The 80 hr workweek will make it much easier than before (if they follow the rules), but still not easy. If there is any other field you might be happy with, you should really consider it.

 

[double elle]

Thanks to all of you for your opinions....especially to the sensitive guy who said we should think about things before we choose to get 'knocked-up' - classic. (If you ask me, a woman getting pregnant and being in medical school - whether she's ready or not to have children - is NO different than a male student having 3-4 kids while he has NO income and has to put his family on welfare..)

Anyway, I've decided that I am simply too in love with my little girl to go the surgery route. I know that other residencies will have their moments....but the surgery residency is just too unpredictable. Also, since it's been nice outside, we've been doing a lot of playing.....and it's obvious that she loves to be with me, too. It's absolutely amazing.

Could I do it if I chose to? Yeah, medical school isn't the hardest thing I've ever done in my life....but, I don't want to be at the hospital all the time wishing I was home. And, even worse, I don't want her to be home calling out for me all the time.

The end.....again..thanks for your input, everyone.

 

[apma77]

why did you even post a question when you already knew what you wanted to do?

oh like you are basing your decision on what people have to say on this forum- ya rite!

 

[AmyBass2011]

I am a mother of 2 and plan to do a surgical residency. My husband plans to be a 100% stay at home dad while I do my residency & afterwards.... Does this make it better than if I were to place them in childcare? Does this label me as a bad parent?

 

[doc05]

I am a mother of 2 and plan to do a surgical residency. My husband plans to be a 100% stay at home dad while I do my residency & afterwards.... Does this make it better than if I were to place them in childcare? Does this label me as a bad parent?

Yes, it makes you a bad parent. More so, however, it makes your husband a pathetic loser.

But hey, that's just one man's opinion.

 

[Mirror Form]

I am a mother of 2 and plan to do a surgical residency. My husband plans to be a 100% stay at home dad while I do my residency & afterwards.... Does this make it better than if I were to place them in childcare? Does this label me as a bad parent?

You won't be able to be a "typical mom" in the traditional sense. But you'll still be a good parent b/c your kids will be raised well by a stay-at-home parent while you're acting as the important provider. No shame in that!

 

[Amy]

I am a mother of 2 and plan to do a surgical residency. My husband plans to be a 100% stay at home dad while I do my residency & afterwards.... Does this make it better than if I were to place them in childcare? Does this label me as a bad parent?

Do you honestly care about anyone's opinion on this subject? If you're happy with this arrangement, great!! Congrats on working out childcare issues, and finding a way to balance career w/ family.