Being married in med school

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felix_exitus

felix_exitus

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Hello all.

I have some concerns with being married and going to med school. I am nowhere close to being admitted but does anybody have experience on how to keep a marriage alive and well while being in med school? My wife will most likely work a low paying job unless she wants to go to grad school and she doesn't. How possible is it for me to pick up a couple 12 hr shifts a week at the hospital I work at during med school as a Patient Care Tech? I worry about paying my bills while not working that much with little income coming in. I live in the Midwest. It's not expensive to live here but wages aren't awesome either. And concerning my marriage, we don't have kids so how can I be sure to keep my marriage alive while my wife struggles to deal with the fact that I will be in med school. She doesn't view it as much of a priority as I do and doesn't value working like I do either. She will probably be ready for children too when I am in med school as she is 4 years older than me. And she won't work full time after having children either. How can I make it?
Thanks 🙂
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Your loans should cover your share of things- I would avoid working if you want to keep your relationship healthy. Medical school will be enough of a strain and you'll need that extra time to spend with your wife. One shift a week would be doable, but difficult, two shifts a week would be damn near impossible. As to kids, I've known a few people that have made it work. It isn't easy, but children never are. Of the relationships I've seen in medical school coming in, we haven't seen a divorce yet, though I wouldn't be surprised if a few occurred over the four year period (and residency thereafter). However, the ones that have trouble were often the ones that had foundational problems or fundamental differences prior to beginning med school and school was simply the straw that broke things. If you want to make it work, you can, but make sure she's on board with things from the start.
 
Mad Jack said:
Your loans should cover your share of things- I would avoid working if you want to keep your relationship healthy. Medical school will be enough of a strain and you'll need that extra time to spend with your wife. One shift a week would be doable, but difficult, two shifts a week would be damn near impossible. As to kids, I've known a few people that have made it work. It isn't easy, but children never are. Of the relationships I've seen in medical school coming in, we haven't seen a divorce yet, though I wouldn't be surprised if a few occurred over the four year period (and residency thereafter). However, the ones that have trouble were often the ones that had foundational problems or fundamental differences prior to beginning med school and school was simply the straw that broke things. If you want to make it work, you can, but make sure she's on board with things from the start.
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And if she's not, do I just give up my dream? I don't think she ever took me seriously about being a Doctor someday. Now that things are starting to get in motion, I feel a lack of support. But I didn't know about the loans! They give you money to live on while you're in school?
 
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felix_exitus said:
And if she's not, do I just give up my dream? I don't think she ever took me seriously about being a Doctor someday. Now that things are starting to get in motion, I feel a lack of support. But I didn't know about the loans! They give you money to live on while you're in school?
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Yes, they do. Usually about 14-18k a year, sometimes more depending on local CoL. As to your dreams, you have to ask yourself- can I be happy with a person knowing that I gave up my dreams for them, or will I resent them forever because they held me back? Only you can answer that, it really depends on how important being a doctor is to you.
 
felix_exitus said:
Hello all.

I have some concerns with being married....
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As well you should. Not least of why that the whole premise is f@cked. One person to supply all the feelings of companionship, sexuality, romance, and well as all manner of practical skills in your desolate partnership to navigate the treacherous seas of life alone with. And then children: the 2 two of you on your own raising a litter of humans while compressed into the pressure cooker of the nuclear familial structure.

Trying to keep it alive. Hmmmm.

You didn't even mention keeping yourself alive. You talked about working a crappy job to support the 2 of you while in medical school.

Then you let slip a fault line of devastating proportion--she'll be ready for kids. As if there wasn't a whole lot of executive planning behind the motivations to reproduce.

Or that she's not into the work thing. Or won't get the commitment of medical training.

Well...my friend...that doesn't look great. Marriage, flawed from the outset, as a concept of relational structure. Fault lines in the practical game. Enormous stress of medical training added onto the just normal improbability of satisfaction in a singular relationship.

You're f@cked.

And welcome to f@cked island.
 
Nasrudin said:
As well you should. Not least of why that the whole premise is f@cked. One person to supply all the feelings of companionship, sexuality, romance, and well as all manner of practical skills in your desolate partnership to navigate the treacherous seas of life alone with. And then children: the 2 two of you on your own raising a litter of humans while compressed into the pressure cooker of the nuclear familial structure.

Trying to keep it alive. Hmmmm.

You didn't even mention keeping yourself alive. You talked about working a crappy job to support the 2 of you while in medical school.

Then you let slip a fault line of devastating proportion--she'll be ready for kids. As if there wasn't a whole lot of executive planning behind the motivations to reproduce.

Or that she's not into the work thing. Or won't get the commitment of medical training.

Well...my friend...that doesn't look great. Marriage, flawed from the outset, as a concept of relational structure. Fault lines in the practical game. Enormous stress of medical training added onto the just normal improbability of satisfaction in a singular relationship.

You're f@cked.

And welcome to f@cked island.
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Am I in the wrong for wanting to pursue medicine despite her objections?
 
I don't think you're in the wrong for wanting to pursue medicine. Your partner should support you and help you become a better, happier person. I don't think trying to squash someone's passion is ever going to end up well.
 
felix_exitus said:
Am I in the wrong for wanting to pursue medicine despite her objections?
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Absolutely not. You want a partner that will be supportive of you and your decisions, especially ones like these.

And if she continues to act this way, gtfo before you have children. Everything is going to get significantly more difficult before it gets easier- med school, years of residency, fellowship, etc.
 
willow84 said:
I don't think you're in the wrong for wanting to pursue medicine. Your partner should support you and help you become a better, happier person. I don't think trying to squash someone's passion is ever going to end up well.
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Thank you for this. I don't mean to make this a therapy session, or too personal but I have a feeling that I may come to have some resentment if I give up this dream for the sake of another's wishes. When we got married, I wasn't supposed to go to college right away because she had plans to go herself and in her mind it wasn't feasible for the both of us to go. So, out of respect and wanting to make her happy, I obliged. Long story short, $50,000 of debt, several failed exams, and no degree later, I feel jaded. I guess I just needed to vent. Thanks for the reply 🙂

EDIT: We married when I graduated high school. Too young, I know. But it is what it is!
 
felix_exitus said:
Thank you for this. I don't mean to make this a therapy session, or too personal but I have a feeling that I may come to have some resentment if I give up this dream for the sake of another's wishes. When we got married, I wasn't supposed to go to college right away because she had plans to go herself and in her mind it wasn't feasible for the both of us to go. So, out of respect and wanting to make her happy, I obliged. Long story short, $50,000 of debt, several failed exams, and no degree later, I feel jaded. I guess I just needed to vent. Thanks for the reply 🙂

EDIT: We married when I graduated high school. Too young, I know. But it is what it is!
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😱
 
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felix_exitus said:
It's good to know people don't think I'm selfish!
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You are not selfish for wanting to pursue your dreams. If she wants to be complacent and lazy, thats on her. For her to expect YOU to do the same is HER being selfish.

(I am not trying to be mean, I just have a low threshold for bull****)
 
fancymylotus said:
You are not selfish for wanting to pursue your dreams. If she wants to be complacent and lazy, thats on her. For her to expect YOU to do the same is HER being selfish.

(I am not trying to be mean, I just have a low threshold for bull****)
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Love it. Thank you!
 
No, it's not selfish for wanting to pursue your dreams. You don't seem too enthusiastic about being married ("It physically hurts me.") so maybe it's best to cut your losses and let her go her own way. No one held a gun to your head and made you get married and no one is strong-arming you into staying married if you're miserable.
 
Educationally(or goals or career) incompatible people should not date.

But you did say you got married around HS so I'm sure things were very different for you then.
 
I agree with a lot of what's been said. You've already been more than understanding imo. You sacrificed going to college and put your life on hold for a while so she could go. Then she failed and racked up a significant amount of debt, all the while not taking your dreams that you are successfully working towards seriously. I'd guess she's already got some resentment, and if you get in to med school there's going to be even more. You gave her a shot to make her dreams happen, I'm guessing it's not your fault she failed, but she needs to be willing to suck it up and let you pursue your dream now and stop making self-centered demands.

Some other points to your original questions:
  • My school allows you to take out up to 26k/year for cost of living, so I think you could expect to be able to take out at least 20k for that. That should cover you without having to work an extra job.
  • I have a few classmates that work 2-3 8 hour shifts as paramedics and are doing just fine. That being said, they are also single and have no plans of dating while being in med schools. It's possible to work while in school, but I can't imagine someone working 24 hours a week, being in med school, and maintaining a decent relationship.
  • A very large percentage of my classmates are married or in significant relationships, and all the people I am friends with are not having difficulties maintaining their relationships.
  • From what you've said and how you've said it, it sounds like you're not really satisfied with your relationship now and that you and your wife aren't on the same page. You can try and "keep it alive" for now, but doing that in med school is a terrible plan, and one that I don't think typically works out.
I would sit down with her and have a realistic talk about what you are both expecting out of the next few years/forever. If you can't come to a mutual understanding and plan, you'll have to seriously re-evaluate this relationship if you want to pursue medicine. It's possible to go through med school and maintain a marriage, but there have to be sacrifices made. If your spouse isn't willing to sacrifice for you, then you're going to have to pick medicine or her. I'll also say, I don't think it's selfish of you to pursue your dreams, especially if she's being as inflexible as you've said she is. I don't think marriage is as one-sided or nihilistic as nasrudin is making it out to be, but you have to have a spouse that is very supportive and understands that she will be second to your career for a few years. I'll also add that saying one can't find all the things like romance and sexuality needed from one person is frankly a ridiculous statement. For some that may be true, but plenty of people live wonderful and happy lives after marriage.
 
felix_exitus said:
Am I in the wrong for wanting to pursue medicine despite her objections?
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Most certainly not. If it's going to kill you. Like race car driving. And you already have kids. Then she can object. But even then. Do what you need to to do. Letting someone go can be the most merciful and gracious if temporarily coldblooded thing you can do for someone else. Particularly if the you they will get is a diminished version of you.

People get over break ups. Or even if they don't they move on regardless, eventually. But a spiteful marriage is a torture that goes on. And on.

So. I don't recommend marriage. For anyone. Maybe there's people who stay lovey dovey for a life time. For most people, eventually it's a job. That's better off phoned in, than shown up for.

Hahaha. I'm all rainbows and sunshine this fine evening.
 
Nasrudin said:
Most certainly not. If it's going to kill you. Like race car driving. And you already have kids. Then she can object. But even then. Do what you need to to do. Letting someone go can be the most merciful and gracious if temporarily coldblooded thing you can do for someone else. Particularly if the you they will get is a diminished version of you.

People get over break ups. Or even if they don't they move on regardless, eventually. But a spiteful marriage is a torture that goes on. And on.

So. I don't recommend marriage. For anyone. Maybe there's people who stay lovey dovey for a life time. For most people, eventually it's a job. That's better off phoned in, than shown up for.

Hahaha. I'm all rainbows and sunshine this fine evening.
Click to expand...


You're never rainbows and sunshine. What is actually happening here?
 
Med school is HARD. Med school with kids is EVEN HARDER. I could never have done it with an un-supportive spouse. Even WITH a supportive husband, there are times we have both been resentful (he for all the times I'm gone and rely on him for holding our world together, me for all times he's not understanding of why I'm always gone and need him to hold our world together.)

Quite simply, med school with an un-supportive spouse in tow simply will NOT work. You WILL fail at one of them. Hard to say whether it will be med school or your marriage, but it is very unlikely that you would get through all four years with both in tact.

And that's all before RESIDENCY with an un-supportive spouse...
 
Medschool can be done, married with/without kids, in a relationship, alone....
Your point is in my opinion, your partner is not supportive, you supported her and now it would be her turn and what happened?
This is the thing you will have to figure out for yourself, if you are interested in a relatoinship with a person, who will not support you, if it is medschool or whatever.
 
Nasrudin said:
Most certainly not. If it's going to kill you. Like race car driving. And you already have kids. Then she can object. But even then. Do what you need to to do. Letting someone go can be the most merciful and gracious if temporarily coldblooded thing you can do for someone else. Particularly if the you they will get is a diminished version of you.

People get over break ups. Or even if they don't they move on regardless, eventually. But a spiteful marriage is a torture that goes on. And on.

So. I don't recommend marriage. For anyone. Maybe there's people who stay lovey dovey for a life time. For most people, eventually it's a job. That's better off phoned in, than shown up for.

Hahaha. I'm all rainbows and sunshine this fine evening.
Click to expand...

Solid post, and I'd agree with most of it, especially the part about ending things instead of dragging out the inevitable. You lost me at the third paragraph though. Sure it becomes like a job for some, maybe many, but I know quite a few older, married couples that say their only regret was that they didn't find the other person sooner.

Personally, I don't like being totally alone, but I also find taking the time to get to know people to oftentimes be more of a pain than it's worth. I'm not really sure if you're jaded or have always had that perspective on marriage, but it just sounds like you and I have extremely different perspectives on marriage and just the role of significant others in our lives in general.
 
I took a nonautobiographical and hyperbolic position to help the OP. Who is asking, although phrased via the protective superego, how to break up with his high school sweet heart. This may be a necessary task for him. Like shooting a wounded animal. Requiring steel nerves to get the job done.

People beat themselves up about these things. The failure of the traditional system of monogamy. Which is a fairly recent development after the agricultural revolution and the dividing of resources, land, chattel, and women as property contracts between families, tribes, kingdoms, etc. And then enforced, rather awkwardly, by Abrahamic religions.

Most of our DNA arises from a period of small bands of hunter gathering primates. With a likely fluid parenting structure and love life.

Having multiple lovers that you care for, for a lifetime, seems altogether natural to me. But I compress myself into modern societal roles just like anyone else. As to how and with whom I do this, is nobody's business but mine. Although admittedly, I'm not tight with the details.
 
Med school doesn't have any inherent deleterious effects on spouses or kids. It's not that big of a deal, unlike an unsupportive spouse who doesn't value hard work. The best thing about being married at 18 and childless is you can walk away with your life intact like it never happened. Allstate accident forgiveness. And yeah, all your posts are just your not-so-subconscious subconscious telling you to man up and rip the bandaid off.
 
Nasrudin said:
As well you should. Not least of why that the whole premise is f@cked. One person to supply all the feelings of companionship, sexuality, romance, and well as all manner of practical skills in your desolate partnership to navigate the treacherous seas of life alone with. And then children: the 2 two of you on your own raising a litter of humans while compressed into the pressure cooker of the nuclear familial structure.

Trying to keep it alive. Hmmmm.

You didn't even mention keeping yourself alive. You talked about working a crappy job to support the 2 of you while in medical school.

Then you let slip a fault line of devastating proportion--she'll be ready for kids. As if there wasn't a whole lot of executive planning behind the motivations to reproduce.

Or that she's not into the work thing. Or won't get the commitment of medical training.

Well...my friend...that doesn't look great. Marriage, flawed from the outset, as a concept of relational structure. Fault lines in the practical game. Enormous stress of medical training added onto the just normal improbability of satisfaction in a singular relationship.

You're f@cked.

And welcome to f@cked island.
Click to expand...
Nas, you went dark. I think you need to learn what love is, it's pretty legit if you find the right person.
 
Mad Jack said:
Nas, you went dark. I think you need to learn what love is, it's pretty legit if you find the right person.
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I went dark on marriage not love. I've been in love 4 times and have experienced man/woman love-love with commitment twice. Real ****. I consider myself pretty lucky.

It's called role playing. And dramatic therapy. An unorthodox offshoot of my field that I'm interested in.

And also I do have straight up dark thoughts about the contrivance of marriage. So the role comes easy. I'm somewhat pan romantic. With dudes and ladies. Feeling love is easy for me.

Staying in one place and tending the fields is not. Like that. With me as myself, playing nasrudin, on sdn.
 
Nasrudin said:
I went dark on marriage not love. I've been in love 4 times and have experienced man/woman love-love with commitment twice. Real ****. I consider myself pretty lucky.

It's called role playing. And dramatic therapy. An unorthodox offshoot of my field that I'm interested in.

And also I do have straight up dark thoughts about the contrivance of marriage. So the role comes easy. I'm somewhat pan romantic. With dudes and ladies. Feeling love is easy for me.

Staying in one place and tending the fields is not. Like that. With me as myself, playing nasrudin, on sdn.
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Fancy is confuzed.
 
You have two separate problems: the logistics and the emotional support. The logistics are easy. If your wife works a low paying job, you're fine to attend any med school you get into. You should get loans and just live frugally, and not work. If you have kids, I think you can get more loans? Kids aren't really *that* expensive until they get older (or so I hear).

The support problem is different. If she does not understand your drive and motivation, that's a challenge. It is not necessarily insurmountable though, if the two of you love and respect each other despite the differences and want a similar lifestyle. It's reasonable for her to have doubts, and it's probably a good thing for her to challenge you instead of agreeing blindly. It might be helpful to go over the details (expected income, physician job security, etc) to help her see it as a sacrifice now for a reward later. But if you can't find something that works for you both as a couple, then you may have some tough choices ahead.
 
futuremdforme said:
You have two separate problems: the logistics and the emotional support. The logistics are easy. If your wife works a low paying job, you're fine to attend any med school you get into. You should get loans and just live frugally, and not work. If you have kids, I think you can get more loans? Kids aren't really *that* expensive until they get older (or so I hear).

The support problem is different. If she does not understand your drive and motivation, that's a challenge. It is not necessarily insurmountable though, if the two of you love and respect each other despite the differences and want a similar lifestyle. It's reasonable for her to have doubts, and it's probably a good thing for her to challenge you instead of agreeing blindly. It might be helpful to go over the details (expected income, physician job security, etc) to help her see it as a sacrifice now for a reward later. But if you can't find something that works for you both as a couple, then you may have some tough choices ahead.
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You do not get more loans because of kids or spouse. Legally can't

Only exception to that is daycare fees
 
Also Felix. As your agency of darkness. One girl. That you put through school with a flop. And then standing around patiently for her approval. F@ck man.... Look. Despite what any hack will tell you women are not all the same. Every experience with them will be different. And you are on this earth to experience them in all the variety, intensity, passion, and pleasure that you can handle. That little cohort of Midwestern chicks in you're highschool--fine and dandy in their own right--are not representative of all that lies in store for you.

Have you ever taken in the scent of saffron from the long dark hair of an Indian girl while lost in her big brown eyes. Neither have I. I hope we get the chance.

A thousand wondrous things that might happen. If you just had the stones to break free and run.

Don't you ever wonder about what it feels like to wonder what's around the next corner again.

Leave the harness and bridle of beastly burden to the suckers and schmucks who don't know how to live without them.
 
If you have a supportive partner, being married or in a serious relationship in medical school is not any harder (and maybe even better) than being single. If you have an unsupportive partner, it is impossible.

The relationships that I've watched break up were ones where the spouse was not understanding about the time and debt involved. It helps a lot if the other person has their own dream and ambitions to fulfill. It doesn't have to be another doctorate program. My fella works on flexible contracts and when he's not working, he keeps me alive doing the grocery shopping, the cleaning and half the cooking. It works for us. He is happy to have an hour or two of my time per day and my company in the apartment while I'm studying. He's very low maintenance. He takes an interest in my school and we keep our finances separate but share the bills.

A few husbands I know work full time and cover all the non-tuition bills. A few wives stay home with the kids and/or work full-time and do the same as the aforementioned husbands. There are a few marrieds who are both in school.

If your marriage is already on the decline, being in medical school is a surefire way to crack it irreparably. In some cases this is not the worst thing. If you were madly in love with your wife and both desperately wanted a family and she didn't support the med school plan, I'd say listen to her and save your relationship and revisit the idea when you are both on board. People you love are worth more than medical school.

But if you don't love her, and it wasn't working anyway, my advice is the opposite. Follow the dream.
 
felix_exitus said:
UPDATE for everyone: We're divorcing.
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This is not easy. Please make sure it is not an impulsive choice due to what people have said on this thread. Marriage is hard and we all don't know all the details. Talk to her and find out why she does not support your dreams. Hear her out then actually tell her why you want to do it. Do this when you are both calm so there is no yelling. You loved each other once. Being married young is not a bad thing. It can be a wonderful thing with the right person. Before you walk out of the door, think about what you are leaving behind and make sure it's worth it. If it is, go ahead...but if you love her, make her understand.
Personally I would give up med school dreams in a heartbeat if I thought it would destroy my marriage. My husband is supportive now but I had to make him understand why I needed to take this road. It's a big commitment to ask of a spouse especially since there is no surety and likely a lot more debt for you both...especially since you already have debt.
I'm not saying don't divorce. That is your choice. I am just saying make sure it is the only option before you do it. If your marriage is salvageable and if you love her, try that first just so that you don't have any regrets; a good career is great, but there other things that are ultimately greater...like love and family.
 
Haven't gotten on here in a bit lol I want to thank everyone for their concern and kindness. Med school aside, it really is for the best. I feel happy, relieved, and hopeful. I'm 21 and feel as if I can finally find myself! I am struggling a bit this semester but hoping to turn it around. Your thoughts are appreciated! Each day is a step closers to my dream.
 
Anyone have experience with marriage during residency? I feel like med school is hard but doable for a marriage but being in residency...may be a different story. Sorry to bring back an old thread.
 
georgia_boy1 said:
Anyone have experience with marriage during residency? I feel like med school is hard but doable for a marriage but being in residency...may be a different story. Sorry to bring back an old thread.
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I didn't think residency was any worse than going to work every day. I went to work, my husband went to work. The kids, he picked them up from school. I was usually home by 6pm , I had 4 call nights a month where I stayed over at the hospital. I had late rounding during inpatient medicine to 8-9pm but those days were rare. Mostly it was just like any other family with two working parents.
 
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If your spouse is on board with you, it can work out regardless how hard residency might be. In fact, your spouse can be valuable in helping you out with various small things when you are too busy to even take care of yourself.

Sent from my SM-G935R4 using Tapatalk
 
cabinbuilder said:
I didn't think residency was any worse than going to work every day. I went to work, my husband went to work. The kids, he picked them up from school. I was usually home by 6pm , I had 4 call nights a month where I stayed over at the hospital. I had late rounding during inpatient medicine to 8-9pm but those days were rare. Mostly it was just like any other family with two working parents.
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That's good to hear. Do you think this would be the case in a typical internal medicine residency? I've just read a lot about the resident work week being insane and having to be on call every 3rd night.
 
georgia_boy1 said:
That's good to hear. Do you think this would be the case in a typical internal medicine residency? I've just read a lot about the resident work week being insane and having to be on call every 3rd night.
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Depends on the residency. No way around it. Depends on if the call is by phone, overnight call in house, or night float, etc. Just depends on how the residency is set up. Work hours a lot different now.
 
Miami_Postbac said:
Disregard females. Acquire currency.

this includes wives or long time girlfriends saucy about the fact that your income will be going down for a few years

FWIW my long time gf bailed when I told her I was gonna take UG classes and eventually quit my six figure job to go to med school. It hurt my feels a lot, but, at the end of the day what's the value of a woman like that? "Oh I've found a man over 6' who makes six figures => I'm in love. Wait he's going to have a drop in income for a few years? => I've just lost that loving feeling"...is not exactly the stuff of Diogenes or Oprah or even one of those terrible Nicholas Sparks novels. You can do better than that, guaranteed
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You sure did dodge that bullet...
 
georgia_boy1 said:
That's good to hear. Do you think this would be the case in a typical internal medicine residency? I've just read a lot about the resident work week being insane and having to be on call every 3rd night.
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I am an internal medicine resident at a well known West Coast academic program and ~1/3 of my class including me is married or engaged. You can definitely be married and an internal medicine resident. Having kids is a lot harder, but still possible. Overnight call at our program is every 4th to 5th night - while call every 3rd night used to be standard, it is much less common these days with the 80 hour/week work restriction. Resident life is busy, but far from "insane," and I really enjoy it most of the time.
 
Meridian32 said:
I am an internal medicine resident at a well known West Coast academic program and ~1/3 of my class including me is married or engaged. You can definitely be married and an internal medicine resident. Having kids is a lot harder, but still possible. Overnight call at our program is every 4th to 5th night - while call every 3rd night used to be standard, it is much less common these days with the 80 hour/week work restriction. Resident life is busy, but far from "insane," and I really enjoy it most of the time.
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Hey do you guys have any best practices for married couples through med school and residency ? And kids!!!
 
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