Best coping mechanisms

[EpiII]

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My wife and I are hoping to embark on Med School next year. I am trying to get in right now.

I am wondering what your experiences have been like. Is it best for the spouse to have something that really is theirs, that keeps them interested and busy (a career, job, etc.)? The person in school is obviously going to be busy, is helpful to have the partner also 'occupied'.

 

[jhug]

I am preparing to be a med-student's wife next year, as my husband will be starting school in the fall. I know a lot of couples who have struggled with the new adjustments of medical school, and so my husband and I have looked into a lot of different ways to cope and really make it a great experience, rather than one that pushes us apart. I think the time we will have together will be very rare, but we will have to make the most of it. But, while he is in school, I am preparing to work full time, or part time if we have a baby by then, and really try to establish myself and involve myself with my own interests to keep busy and to keep from going crazy! It will be hard, there is no doubt about that, but I think the most important thing to do is be prepared for it to be hard and have your spouse get excited about a new place, new people, experiences, etc. Also, a lot of schools, both MD and DO have support groups for spouses where they get together once a week and do things together. I think it will be really important to get involved in things like that, and surround yourself with people who are in the same situation. It provides a great support. It will be an adventure thats for sure! enjoy it!

 

[commymommy]

Epi,

We just finished 7 years of residency and fellowship and so I can tell you from my perspective how things worked for us and what I think would have made them better.

I do believe that it is important for you spouse to develop some outside interests for themselves, because the process of medical education and residency can be so all-consuming for the student doc. As a spouse, initially, I found myself waiting for my dh to get home every night....he was exhausted and had reading to do, etc, but the focus of my own life was him and our children. I often found myself discouraged and disappointed...even angry because I missed him.

As a spouse, your life changes too when your s.o. embarks on a career in medicine. The dynamics of the marriage even can change. I would suggest practicing coping mechanisms and communication skills even now before you start so that you will have a solid coping style when med school starts.

I found it very difficult to pull away and sort of develop my "own" life....and yet it was probably a good thing for me. After 3 years of residency, I went back to school and did a post-bach and eventually went on to finish my masters...something that I may not have done had we not had the situation with call, etc.

Some issues that you may want to consider discussing are:

moving (you will walk into a med school environment and immediately have peers...your spouse will need more time to adjust and may need more support at a time where you are busy with school)

finances (you will be poor!)

children (if you have them how to raise them when you are gone so often or if you don't have them, do you want to start your family during med school/residency). My husband and I had always believed that being a stay-at-home mom was best for our children...but after a few years of his q3 schedule, I just really needed more of a break and really needed direction in my own life...when I decided to go back to school, it caused a lot of conflict...so I would say that there needs to be flexibility and understanding that as much as things change for the med student/resident...sometimes things change for the spouse too.

Hope this helped...

Kris

 

[vietcongs]

word of advice for spouses:

keep the house clean and have dinner ready when i come home.

 

[commymommy]

Word of advice for doctor:

Bite me !!!

😀

Kris

 

[jhug]

vietcong,
you're pretty funny. who do you think you are? are you even married?? i hope not, but if you are, I pity her soul. you sound extremely insensitive, I hope I never need healthcare from YOU, you fool. 🙂

 

[Devdas]

word of advice for vietcong:

KEEP IT UP!.. 😀

 

[csgirl]

Why is it that such remarks get such a rise out of us intelligent women? Why should we feel threatened? Why should we care about what one man, poor of spirit and character, wants from his wife? He won't be married to any of us! That's for sure.

There will always be men like this... who want submissive women... for in their hearts, I'm sure they fear women. One does not forcibly seek to restrain a defenseless creature. It is the tiger that people must put in chains and cage and wipe into submission. Such is the case with weak men and the innate power of women that they fear. It is only the strongest, most secure, and most intelligent of men who do not fear women and who do not wish to restrain them... but rather are enchanted by our strength and beauty. And isn't it these men that we want? and whose opinion and voice we should take time to hear and react to? rather than these spinless cowards that would have lap dogs for lovers?


On the thread topic: I agree with the idea that both people should be kept busy. If one is going to medical school and the other isn't. THe one not going to medical school should definitely find something to occupy his/her time as much as medical school does for the other person.

 

[Devdas]

word of advice for cs girl:

cs girl,

You sound like a budding politician!I can sense a huge political career waiting for you!
New political party awaiting in the horizon...
My vote is always for you!

LIBERATION TIGERS OF WORLD WOMEN!(LTWW):
President:cs girl

let us call for polling for other office bearers of the party....

PS:Just confirming...I know you like me.I am postive your comments were directed ONLY against vietcong.....coz,I recently got Lumbosacral spine x-rays for my backache and did found my spines intact.

 

[Devdas]

I want to ask a serious question here in this spouses forum.

How many of you have seen men as "stay at home dad"? How to cope in that situation? I know coping strategy is difficult!

I know many MDs whose wives got into Residency earlier than husbands (Smart wives!).Those husbands stay at home.Any suggestions for them? <img src="confused.gif" border="0">

 

[csgirl]

Yes, Madanraj, my comments were directed more at vietcong than you... I don't think you're a true sexist... an idiot who has an annoying way of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time maybe... 🙂 But I tend to have the same annoying tendency, so... 🙂

My dad was a "stay at home dad." He loved it. He got to spend most of his time golfing while his wife earned major $$. My mom's friend who is also a female doctor also had a stay at home husband. It worked out well for these two women and their families, but I'm still not sure about the whole idea...

Personally, I don't support stay at home anything... unless the couple is ver very wealthy and any work they do is more or less only for fun.

 

[commymommy]

Well, I certainly support stay at home moms whose focus is their children, csgirl...I have had periods of time where I have been in school and periods as a stay-at-home mom, and I certainly think that it benefits my children to have me here, or I wouldn't do it...We've made financial sacrifices to do it, and I would do it again....

I also support a woman's right to develop an identity outside of motherhood, and when the time is right for my family, I'll continue on my medschool path.

Most stay-at-home moms spend their days engaging their children, doing laundry (and playing online 😉 ) and not playing golf!

Motherhood is as noble of a profession as medicine!

Kris

 

[Devdas]

It is amazing to know the fact that everyone @home,@work,and @SDN forums have the same opinion about me.It is very depressing! 😳
My I.Q score was above average when I checked last time.

BTW ...I read my fellow fool's club member Mr.Vietcong's statement for the second time.

I don't see any insensitive statement or sexist feeling in his post.He simply expects a good dinner and a clean house from his "stay at home" spouse.Is that too much?.
Is it subhuman to give a good dinner to your dh or to keep a clean home?
I am very positive momofthree who is an experienced "compassionate" mom will agree with me.

CS girl,you are misguiding the future housewives of America which is very,very wrong!
Whatelse a hardworking husband could expect from his loving wife when he comes back from a day's work?

I personally think your dad has sacrificed his career by playing(with golf) a role as "stay at home dad".Imagine how you could have felt when your both parents were working leaving you alone at home?.Atleast your dad was there to take care of you when you came back from school.

It needs a lot of understanding between couple to decide about sacrificing a career for the benefit of children.I think it is not a bad decision for a husband to stay @ home if his wife makes more money.It is a wise decision.
Does your dad have any regrets about his decision?
Just curious...
<img src="confused.gif" border="0">

 

[csgirl]

In a perfect world there would be no need for mothers to stay home. I believe in a tightly knit large family unit... such that aunts, uncles, and grandparents would all pitch in so that no wife or husband would have to stay home.

This of course, is JUST MY OPINION. Whatever works for you is great. I'm just saying what I would want. My family basically consists of me, my mom, and my uncle... so the prospects of me having that large circle of family support don't look good. Although I think I've convinced my mom to retire when I have kids so that she can stay with them while I work.

For the record, I believe that a stay at home dad is just as good as a stay at home mom... who is just as good as a stay at home grandma or grandpa... or aunt or uncle... or any other decently educated person who truely cares and loves the child(ren).

And while being a GOOD mother is indeed noble... just being a mother is something any healthy animal can be.

 

[Jamier2]

Originally posted by csgirl:
•In a perfect world there would be no need for mothers to stay home. I believe in a tightly knit large family unit... such that aunts, uncles, and grandparents would all pitch in so that no wife or husband would have to stay home.•••

Well, csgirl, in your perfect, who world be home for the children? Because the "large family unit" is composed of wives and husbands, each of which don't have to stay home, where in the heck would the children be?

Personally, I don't mind either way. If the wife or husband want to be a stay-at-home parent and it works for the family, then more power to them. I just hate to see people that are too narrow minded to believe that what they prefer isn't the best, or (gasp) even what is preferred by everyone else.

 

[commymommy]

csgirl,

After you've given birth to your first child and held her in your arms for the first time....then lets talk....

There is NO perfect world and we are such a mobile society that that isn't realistic for most of us...and to top it off, medical spouses, who are moving with their husband's for med school, residency, fellowship, etc..lose their family support......Maybe it worked in the days of Little House on the Prairie, but it doesn't today...so who would be caring for your kids then?

And Madanraj, "compassionate" or not...yes, I do cook and clean for my family, but I also take care of children and some of my own needs, and if my husband has something to say about it if I don't always manage to get it all done perfectly, then he can get over it...I am his wife, his best friend and his lover...not his maid.... 😀 If that means I lose the award...well, I'm sorry...I'm still a compassionate person....but I am also a human being with my own hopes and aspirations...It is my job to take care of his emotional ...and physical needs (and mine 😉 ) but there isn't always dinner on the table...and hey...who knows when he is going to be home anyway?

I will say though, if this redeems me at all, that when he was a resident, I went up with the kids to the cafeteria every night that he was "on" and we had a family dinner.....When he was on a hard rotation (ICU) I bought him a little surprise, wrapped it, and snuck it up to his desk....and I sometimes showed up with a surprise home cooked meal...but if criticizes me for not getting the house cleaned one day or the dinner on the table...well...he's in the doghouse!

Kris

 

[csgirl]

Believe it or not there are some families that DO function this way... were the grandparents watch the kids while the parents work.

I really resent how whenever I talk about what I want for a family and a home people dismiss it by saying "wait till you have a child." Especially since such comments are seldom, if ever, made to my fiance. It really annoys me. What happens after a mother (OR A FATHER) have a child is simply a rush of hormones mixed in with pent up expectations, relief, and lots of melodrama. Nothing particularly magical happens when a baby is born that would change my opinion of what I want to do with my life. This element of "magic" that supposedly turns doctors and lawyers into house wives is totally an imaginary thing. I assure you that there is no magical feeling for a 25 year old starving Nigerian woman giving birth to her 8th child... or for a 13 year old girl living with her single mother who can barely support herself. 🙄

 

[jhug]

MOMOFTHREE- I just hope that when we start having children and my hubbie is doing the medicine thing that i can be as good a wife/mom/friend/support that you have been to your husband! it is so odd how some automatically place roles on people- i think, not to sound to cheezy, that you emulate the perfect support group for both your kids as well as your spouse. Keep it up!!! and when the kids are gone- go for that medical degree- my mom was there for us at every moment and is now graduating from college with the youngest of four- i admire her for her love and dedication to her family (us) and to her goals (getting a degree)-- now i must confess, i am actually the husband writing with my wife on this one-- and on behalf of all the sensitive, real men out there-- i apologize for any inappropriate comments some of my less developed, male counterparts may say.

 

[Devdas]

In England, a research scientist conducted a study on "stayhome" moms.He counted the day to day chores of housewives ranging from cooking,washing,cleaning,child-rearing,teaching children,shopping and husband care.

He calculated the salary for each jobs done by hosewives.(I am not sure how much he gave for sleeping with the spouse) 😀 .The salary deserved by a dedicated housewife came to thousands of British pounds every month.Nobody realises the worth of a mom's job which is really invaluable.
It is the greatest and difficult job in the world.

I am surprised some women feel that housewife job is menial. 🙁
I respect a stay-home mom more than a career mom 🙂

 

[vietcongs]

my husband loves to clean and cook. why are people so upset? I dont get it!

 

[lilycat]

Originally posted by csgirl:
•Although I think I've convinced my mom to retire when I have kids so that she can stay with them while I work.
•••

Originally posted by csgirl:
•Believe it or not there are some families that DO function this way... were the grandparents watch the kids while the parents work.
•••

I have to say that these comments amused me highly. This is just to paraphrase how I read it:

Well, the old folks can't work any more. Might as well keep them at home so they can watch the squalling brats while I work. There's nothing else they could do with their time anyways.

Obviously I made my own colorful interjections, but I do find it amusing that there is the assumption that grandparents would want to become full-time caretakers once they are finished with full-time careers, either paid (teachers, lawyers, doctors, nurses, etc.), or unpaid (stay-at-home parents, heads of household, etc.). Personally, I know that there is no way my parents would want to be glorified nannies for me in their 60's and 70's -- they've done the child-rearing thing, and they want to have time to travel, develop other interests and hobbies they weren't previously able to indulge, etc.

Basically, this whole perspective seems very ageist to me.

 

[commymommy]

csgirl,

I think that what I'm trying to say is that honestly, things do change when you have children...

This element of "magic" that supposedly turns doctors and lawyers into house wives is totally an imaginary thing. ••

I would respectfully disagree with that comment. I will say that when I was a single woman with no children, I felt that I knew exactly how everyone should be raising their children...and I seemed to know it all "better"....having children of my own simply changed all of that! I understand that you resent it when people dismiss you by saying "wait until you have children"...I think it is their voice of experience talking.....on the other hand, I know that a lot of parents resent it when non-parents interject their beliefs about child-rearing practices as well....not that I am one of them 😉

Especially since such comments are seldom, if ever, made to my fiance. It really annoys me.••

Surprisingly, I will agree with you. There is a double standard when it comes to raising children. No one ever questioned my husband's dedication as a father or his love for his family when he was working 100 hours a week. When we moved yet again and my son struggled to adjust, the schools assumed it was due to a flaw in my mothering, and not the fact that my husband's job had taken us away from family and friends. However, when he was identified as being a first grader doing 3rd grade math, I was told "like father like son"...forget the fact that I am the one that does all homework with him and homeschools during the summers.....

If you are fortunate enough to have family around that will help you in the care of your child, I say that is great for you!!! The reality of that happening, in my very limited experience as a mother is fairly slim. But you are right..it can happen....

I assure you that there is no magical feeling for a 25 year old starving Nigerian woman giving birth to her 8th child... or for a 13 year old girl living with her single mother who can barely support herself. ••

Well, I don't know that that is true or untrue, csgirl....I can imagine that social issues certainly do play a role...but the experience of pregnancy and childbirth is the most incredible thing a woman will ever experience...

Kris

 

[commymommy]

jhug,

Thanks, I really needed that! Let me just assure you that I don't come close to being the perfect support for my family...I do the best that I can though...

From everything that I've read from you so far, you are going to do a great job!!!!!!!!!! I look forward to learning more about you and your med spouse adventures!!!

Kris

 

[csgirl]

I know that a lot of parents resent it when non-parents interject their beliefs about child-rearing practices as well... ••

momofthree: I'm so sorry if that's what it seemed like I was doing! I didn't mean to suggest that your course of action was any less noble or right for your children. We are all different and we all need to find what works best for each of us in our lives. I appreciate your voice of experience 🙂


lilycat: I didn't make ANY assumptions. In fact, it was my mom who first made the offer. She came to me and asked me how I planned to take care of my kids while I worked. She expressed her interest in retiring when I had kids so that she could help me out. For my mom... it would be a great pleasure. She looks forward to the day when she'll be my "glorified nanny." When I said I "convinced" my mom to retire when I have kids... that was an inside joke... because my mom and I know that there was no convincing involved.

I found your "paraphrase" very rude, offensive, and presumptuous... I would have expected more from a monitor

 

[csgirl]

Just to clarify I said "In a perfect world" to suggest that the following statement is something that, like a perfect world, will never be. I thought everyone had the same understanding of that phrase. 🙂

 

[lilycat]

Originally posted by csgirl:
•


I found your "paraphrase" very rude, offensive, and presumptuous... I would have expected more from a monitor•••

It was nothing against you personally, I probably should have made that clear. I've heard similar sentiments from friends and acquaintances, and my response is always the same.

Since you mentioned you had "talked your mom" into retiring and helping you out with the kids, I kind of extrapolated that this is your idea, and not your mother's.

Even us moderators are allowed to be human, but I do apologize if I offended you.

 

[csgirl]

lilycat: Thanks for clarifying the misunderstanding. Sorry I wasn't more claer. No hard feelings 🙂 🙂 😀

 

[commymommy]

Isn't it nice to be able to disagree...you know, I've had some really freaky experiences on this website (See the case for female circumcision 🙄 where it turns into a bloodbath 🙁 )

I think it is great that we can discuss things here and have differning points of views without stomping all over each other...you guys are great!

Kris 😛

 

[csgirl]

momofthree... yes indeed it is nice.

I still can't believe how that one guy was trying to say that what you find gross is "illogical." That just shows you how over-used that word is on this board.

Not to mention the frequent "are you even in med school yet?" comments.

I wish people would just say "I think you're a dumba$$" rather than these underhanded pseudo-intellectual insults in disguise.

🙄 🙄

 

[Starflyr]

This maybe should become a whole new thread...but... a couple things:

1. Does anybody who does currently have children have any advice for a medical student who will be coming into that situation? No, Im not pregnant, my fiance has an 8 year old. SHe and I get along pretty well, but heck, Im 22, and IM not quite used to being the adult - and IM also not used to 8 year old abilities or logic. She seems so...mature most of the time, but then she turns around and doesnt know so much stuff (I realize, that this is normal, I just know know HOW MUCH she shouldnt know, yanno?).

2. CSgirl - I think that you will find that actually having a family where YOU are the mom will change you in ways you cant even imagine right now - I know that Im sort of bewildered by the ways Ive changed in the last 3.5 years - and we're not even living in the same place yet! ITs a whole change in attitude and focus - and I dont think you can really know what it will be like until its there.

3. If everybody works, who's in charge of dinner??? Dominos? 😉

Star

 

[csgirl]

All I can say is that I know me. I'm a rather stoic person. Everybody is different. For some people having a child changes their lives... for others it doesn't change anything.

I'm also wondering about when the best time to have kids is. A lot of the female doctors I've talked to suggest having kids in the first year of residency... they say that things tend to be easier in residency than in medical school and you're actually earning money.

 

[commymommy]

Well.....

1. I would suggest perhaps heading out to Barnes and Nobles for a start and reading some of the info on children and their abilities/problems at that age. It can be hard even for the parent who has been with the child from birth and so I think arming yourself with information is the best policy.

2. Agree with you. I've seen even the most self-proclaimed, stoic types who professed not to have a maternal bone in their bodies murmor gagagoogoo at their babies while they are nursing and cuddling their little miracles 😉

3. Why mom is, of course...who has money for dominos?

Kris

 

[csgirl]

Your fiance comes with kids!? That's better than a toy that comes with batteries!! 🙂 🙂