Boyfriend moved to residency and I moved with him, but we aren't engaged or married?

[Melanie2423]

I am a RN from in Chicago and my boyfriend got matched to Houston. He's a resident at a hospital here. I love him and I know he loves me,but when we moved I expected he would propose but he never did. We've been down here since September 2016 and he bought a house in Houston and paid for it cash and didn't add me as a co-owner. I know we aren't married, but unmarried couples co-own houses all the time and I would've gladly helped with money as we both currently make around the same. But instead he bought a house all on his own and paid cash full for it and didn't put my name with him and he also hasn't proposed.

I know residents have crazy schedules and he works 60-80 hrs/week, but is it too much to ask that he show me he's committed to me. I've told my friends about it and they say I was crazy moving down here to be with him without a ring on my finger. They think he can drop me anytime he wants, and putting the house in his name is a sign he doesn't see me in his future and is covering his ass.

Are they right or are they overreacting?

---

Members don't see this ad.

 

[hamstergang]

Are they right or are they overreacting?

Maybe talk to your boyfriend instead of strangers online that don't know him?

 

[Melanie2423]

Maybe talk to your boyfriend instead of strangers online that don't know him?

That's what I'm nervous about. I don't want him to think I'm insecure, paranoid and needy, so that's why I'm asking on here first. Is this common that residents move down with their SO's without being engaged or married?

 

[Trollest]

I am sorry OP but why should he include you in the purchase? I might be missing something here but you said he paid it all cash.

 

[mstpdude]

Are they right or are they overreacting?

I'm sorry you're in this position.

It sounds like he's an intern, and internship is notoriously difficult on residents and their loved ones. It's possible that that marriage is the furthest thing from his mind right now.

But the reality is that none of us can answer this for you. You need to talk to your partner and let him know how exactly how you feel. You demonstrated that you were serious about your commitment to him when you followed him to Houston. You need to know whether or not he is similarly committed to your future. Be prepared for his answer either way.

 

[Trollest]

That's what I'm nervous about. I don't want him to think I'm insecure, paranoid and needy, so that's why I'm asking on here first. Is this common that residents move down with their SO's without being engaged or married?

Very very common! Marriage is like a big deal for men, especially in this climate. I for one, wouldnt marry anyone until she pops me 3 kids.

 

[mstpdude]

That's what I'm nervous about. I don't want him to think I'm insecure, paranoid and needy, so that's why I'm asking on here first. Is this common that residents move down with their SO's without being engaged or married?

1. Within my circle of contacts: yes, this is uncommon, but not entirely unheard of. IME most people try to make the status of their relationship crystal-clear before a big move.

2. This is a fear you need to overcome if you want a successful marriage. For what it's worth, I think you are justified in feeling insecure, given what you've said here.

 

[Melanie2423]

I am sorry OP but why should he include you in the purchase? I might be missing something here but you said he paid it all cash.

Well he did a property transfer from an LLC. I just think we should be co-owners if that's the house we'll both be living in and like I said before I wanted to put down money, but he wanted the house in his name only.

 

[Melanie2423]

Very very common! Marriage is like a big deal for men, especially in this climate. I for one, wouldnt marry anyone until she pops me 3 kids.

But if men are so scared of marriage, that essentially means they don't trust the women they are with.
That is really the foundation of a good and successful marriage. TRUST is everything. A man who trust and loves his SO would have no problem marrying her.

 

[Trollest]

Well he did a property transfer from an LLC. I just think we should be co-owners if that's the house we'll both be living in and like I said before I wanted to put down money, but he wanted the house in his name only.

I doubt that will be the house that you'd be living in though unless the house itself is a nice area or worth 200k+!

 

[Raryn]

Well he did a property transfer from an LLC. I just think we should be co-owners if that's the house we'll both be living in and like I said before I wanted to put down money, but he wanted the house in his name only.

Co-owning a house with someone you're not married with is generally regarded as a really dumb idea, so I don't blame him. Entangling finances to that extent can end really badly for both of you if the relationship ends.

That said, before moving 1000 miles, I think I would have sat down and discussed the future of the relationship. You've been together a year and a half, moved with him six months ago... has the word "marriage" ever come up?

Yes, it can be an awkward conversation... but it is also is something that should be done at some point.

 

[Smurfette]

1. Did you help with house hunting or just move in with him? Did you guys discuss buying a house before the move? Why would he put your name on it unless you guys had a conversation about it?
2. What does he say when you ask about your plans for the future? Did you discuss it before you moved in 2016, as far as marriage plans?
3. If you moved across the country for him without establishing what your future plans were beforehand, why?
4. If you did discuss all these things, giving a brief summary of those convos may help us give different advice.

 

[Melanie2423]

1. Within my circle of contacts: yes, this is uncommon, but not entirely unheard of. IME most people try to make the status of their relationship crystal-clear before a big move.

2. This is a fear you need to overcome if you want a successful marriage. For what it's worth, I think you are justified in feeling insecure, given what you've said here.

He really only said that he loved me and wanted me to move with him so I said yes, naturally assuming a marriage proposal would follow. But it's been a year and nothing.

 

[Raryn]

He really only said that he loved me and wanted me to move with him so I said yes, naturally assuming a marriage proposal would follow. But it's been a year and nothing.

You know what they say about assumptions.

Maybe he doesn't even believe in marriage. Have you ever talked about it?

 

[Melanie2423]

Co-owning a house with someone you're not married with is generally regarded as a really dumb idea, so I don't blame him. Entangling finances to that extent can end really badly for both of you if the relationship ends.

That said, before moving 1000 miles, I think I would have sat down and discussed the future of the relationship. You've been together a year and a half, moved with him six months ago... has the word "marriage" ever come up?

Yes, it can be an awkward conversation... but it is also is something that should be done at some point.

So essentially, he's covering his own ass like my friends said. He doesn't have faith in us that we'll last. Me I have no problem going all the way in and moving here to be with him, but he's still unsure about if we'll make it. Essentially showing he doesn't have faith in our relationship.

In total we've been together almost 3 years. 2 while he was in medical school and then 1 year while in residency.

 

[Melanie2423]

1. Did you help with house hunting or just move in with him? Did you guys discuss buying a house before the move? Why would he put your name on it unless you guys had a conversation about it?
2. What does he say when you ask about your plans for the future? Did you discuss it before you moved in 2016, as far as marriage plans?
3. If you moved across the country for him without establishing what your future plans were beforehand, why?
4. If you did discuss all these things, giving a brief summary of those convos may help us give different advice.

1. I did help with house hunting, but he made the final decision. It was really him who wanted to buy a house instead of renting because it would save more money. Buying a house would mean selling it and getting his money back that he put down.

2. I haven't asked him about future plans because I'm scared of appearing needy. I can say though that our families are very close. I follow his mother on social and his mom and my mom all like each other and get along. They consider me family and he loves my family and I love his.

3. I guess I just assumed he would propose. It seemed like the natural progression.

 

[Melanie2423]

I doubt that will be the house that you'd be living in though unless the house itself is a nice area or worth 200k+!

It actually is in a nice area and he bought it for 230K

 

[hamstergang]

I don't want him to think I'm insecure, paranoid and needy

It doesn't sound like you and him do much communicating. Now would be a good time to start.

 

[Smurfette]

Is he your first serious relationship? Moving to TX is a huge life altering decision and if there was no "plan" beyond that, I'm surprised friends/family didn't try to talk you out of it even if they love him. I'm not sure why you'd think asking these questions would make you look "needy". These are normal and expected questions to ask after being in a relationship for a while and especially when moving across the country without a ring on your finger. If he doesn't think these questions are appropriate to be asking, DTMFA, because he is not serious about being with you.

You guys need to have a conversation. A serious one. And if you don't get the answers you're looking for and he is not committed to you, DTMFA so you can move on with your life.

 

[mstpdude]

2. I haven't asked him about future plans because I'm scared of appearing needy. I can say though that our families are very close. I follow his mother on social and his mom and my mom all like each other and get along. They consider me family and he loves my family and I love his.

I repeat my earlier comment. You need to overcome this fear. You're in this situation because you were afraid to have an important conversation about future plans before you moved.

Your partner had a life-altering career decision to make, and it was reasonable for you to assume that he would make his intentions clear beforehand. But it was also reasonable of him to assume that you would make your expectations clear.

Now you're armed with the benefit of retrospect. Stop assuming that you know his plans. Don't expect him to read your mind. Take the initiative to have a serious conversation about how you feel and what you want before this destroys your relationship.

 

[Melanie2423]

Is he your first serious relationship? Moving to TX is a huge life altering decision and if there was no "plan" beyond that, I'm surprised friends/family didn't try to talk you out of it even if they love him. I'm not sure why you'd think asking these questions would make you look "needy". These are normal and expected questions to ask after being in a relationship for a while and especially when moving across the country without a ring on your finger. If he doesn't think these questions are appropriate to be asking, DTMFA, because he is not serious about being with you.

You guys need to have a conversation. A serious one. And if you don't get the answers you're looking for and he is not committed to you, DTMFA so you can move on with your life.

Yes he is my first serious relationship. My family and his both just assume that we'll get married eventually.

So you agree that this is peculiar that he hasn't proposed before moving me down here?

 

[gutonc]

Yes he is my first serious relationship. My family and his both just assume that we'll get married eventually.

So you agree that this is peculiar that he hasn't proposed before moving me down here?

No...this is pretty typical. If this weren't your first serious relationship, you'd know that by now.

 

[mstpdude]

So you agree that this is peculiar that he hasn't proposed before moving me down here?

The peculiar thing is that you guys didn't talk about it before moving.

Hey, I'm sorry if I sound harsh. I was in a very similar situation, where I let a girl string me a long for far too long. We were long distance, and I wasn't willing to adjust my residency plans for her unless I knew exactly where she stood. Eventually I did what Smurfette recommends: I pushed for clarity, and I broke up with her when I wasn't satisfied with her answer.

 

[Trollest]

Yes he is my first serious relationship. My family and his both just assume that we'll get married eventually.

So you agree that this is peculiar that he hasn't proposed before moving me down here?

You will get married for sure. You are over thinking this. You know what they say, you only get married once. If i were him, i will only do it post residency and have the biggest warning ever! (jk here). but you get the point getting married isnt really a priority during res

 

[Melanie2423]

No...this is pretty typical. If this weren't your first serious relationship, you'd know that by now.

Even a year in after moving??

 

[Melanie2423]

The peculiar thing is that you guys didn't talk about it before moving.

Hey, I'm sorry if I sound harsh. I was in a very similar situation, where I let a girl string me a long for far too long. We were long distance, and I wasn't willing to adjust my residency plans for her unless I knew exactly where she stood. Eventually I did what Smurfette recommends: I pushed for clarity, and I broke up with her when I wasn't satisfied with her answer.

It was dumb on my part I will admit.

 

[Trollest]

Even a year in after moving??

You really expect him to comit his life after a year?

 

[darknecrosforte]

Assuming that your boyfriend is not aware of the red-pill community (look up some MGTOW videos by YouTubers like Turd Flinging Monkey to get an idea) it is not strange for an intern to be too busy to even think about marriage. This is especially true if you want any sort of ceremony. The system of laws and societal ethics in the West heavily favor women in the event of a formal separation. Divorce courts do not require evidence or fault in order to make decisions and possibly ruin a person's life. Divorce court makes #metoo look like a Disney movie.

In addition, marriage confers almost no benefits to a man besides feels - unless you have children and plan to actually raise them (ie. not send them away for > 40 hours per week) and both of you expect your kids to ask "why doesn't daddy want to show commitment to mom in front of our community/family/higher power?" Your future talk should ideally include plans for kids and, at a bare minimum, your recognition that state-sanctioned marriage is 100% a raw deal. If no kids will be in your future, not being married should pose zero issues, unless there's some other reason he needs to take that risk.

 

[Melanie2423]

You really expect him to comit his life after a year?

We've been together for 3 years total.

 

[Melanie2423]

Assuming that your boyfriend is not aware of the red-pill community (look up some MGTOW videos by YouTubers like Turd Flinging Monkey to get an idea) it is not strange for an intern to be too busy to even think about marriage. This is especially true if you want any sort of ceremony. The system of laws and societal ethics in the West heavily favor women in the event of a formal separation. Divorce courts do not require evidence or fault in order to make decisions and possibly ruin a person's life. Divorce court makes #metoo look like a Disney movie.

In addition, marriage confers almost no benefits to a man besides feels - unless you have children and plan to actually raise them (ie. not send them away for > 40 hours per week) and both of you expect your kids to ask "why doesn't daddy want to show commitment to mom in front of our community/family/higher power?" Your future talk should ideally include plans for kids and, at a bare minimum, your recognition that state-sanctioned marriage is 100% a raw deal. If no kids will be in your future, not being married should pose zero issues, unless there's some other reason he needs to take that risk.

Marriage is a beautiful thing. Men see it as a bad deal, but in reality it isn't. Married men are actually happier than single men. What men seem to fear is divorce and that's usually because women feel overworked and that their spouse isn't helping them.

Trust me when I say too many mothers are overworked and their husbands aren't pulling their weight, so many figure they might as well be single rather than have a big baby to care for.

Personally I think this diatribe that men get screwed over is false. Look at cases where the women makes more than the man. Usually the man gets alimony. Divorce settlements are based off of income and who has custody of the children. If more men wanted custody of their kids, they would actually get it. Studies have shown most men don't ask for custody which is why the house and child support are given to the mother in most cases because she's doing the child rearing and children need a stable home environment especially after divorce.

I promise you if more men wanted full custody of their kids, they'd get it. The fact of the matter is most don't. You can't blame women for this when the people ruling this country are all men, the judges are mostly men, the lawyers are mostly men, and the laws are made mostly by MEN.

 

[neoexile]

Marriage is a beautiful thing. Men see it as a bad deal, but in reality it isn't. Married men are actually happier than single men. What men seem to fear is divorce and that's usually because women feel overworked and that their spouse isn't helping them.

Trust me when I say too many mothers are overworked and their husbands aren't pulling their weight, so many figure they might as well be single rather than have a big baby to care for.

Personally I think this diatribe that men get screwed over is false. Look at cases where the women makes more than the man. Usually the man gets alimony. Divorce settlements are based off of income and who has custody of the children. If more men wanted custody of their kids, they would actually get it. Studies have shown most men don't ask for custody which is why the house and child support are given to the mother in most cases because she's doing the child rearing and children need a stable home environment especially after divorce.

I promise you if more men wanted full custody of their kids, they'd get it. The fact of the matter is most don't. You can't blame women for this when the people ruling this country are all men, the judges are mostly men, the lawyers are mostly men, and the laws are made mostly by MEN.

Women initiate 70% of the divorces and 50% marriages end in failure. It's a bad deal for men to get married right now financially. Especially women seem to be keen on leaving half the time leaving a lot of men broken hearted and deprived of their kids. AND paying child support/alimony.

From where I'm standing, marriage isn't that beautiful and is looking pretty bad to me.

 

[Trollest]

Marriage is a beautiful thing. Men see it as a bad deal, but in reality it isn't. Married men are actually happier than single men. What men seem to fear is divorce and that's usually because women feel overworked and that their spouse isn't helping them.

Trust me when I say too many mothers are overworked and their husbands aren't pulling their weight, so many figure they might as well be single rather than have a big baby to care for.

Personally I think this diatribe that men get screwed over is false. Look at cases where the women makes more than the man. Usually the man gets alimony. Divorce settlements are based off of income and who has custody of the children. If more men wanted custody of their kids, they would actually get it. Studies have shown most men don't ask for custody which is why the house and child support are given to the mother in most cases because she's doing the child rearing and children need a stable home environment especially after divorce.

I promise you if more men wanted full custody of their kids, they'd get it. The fact of the matter is most don't. You can't blame women for this when the people ruling this country are all men, the judges are mostly men, the lawyers are mostly men, and the laws are made mostly by MEN.

I am sorry but the stats are against you. MARRIAGE IS A TERRIBLE THING FOR MEN! It can be wonderful for sure but it's very rare to find that person these days. We are in the age of instant gratification.

I have told myself that i will get married after 3 kids, and once all of them are past 5 years old.

 

[Melanie2423]

Women initiate 70% of the divorces and 50% marriages end in failure. It's a bad deal for men to get married right now financially. Especially women seem to be keen on leaving half the time leaving a lot of men broken hearted and deprived of their kids. AND paying child support/alimony.

From where I'm standing, marriage isn't that beautiful and is looking pretty bad to me.

And that's due to women being overworked and unappreciated at home and men typically cheating so. So of course women are going to initiate a divorce. You make it seem like women just break up their families for no reason. As I said before most men would get custody of their kids if they wanted it, fact is most don't.

 

[operaman]

Sounds like a tough conversation is in order. Every relationship is different and has its own path. All the matters is whether you and he are happy with it. If you’re not, then it’s time to talk about it.

Truth is residency is busy but not THAT busy. At this point her should have found his stride and can handle discussing other things. You need some answers to some tough questions. If things aren’t going where you want, then they need to change or you need to find a better situation; same goes for him.

My one pearl of wisdom would be to have a clear concrete idea of what YOU want and need going forward. The past is past and not going to change. Avoid wasting time on things why he didn’t propose or purchase the house with you or whatever. Those are irrelevant topics now because those times have passed. Have a clear idea in your mind of what your must haves are.

If a proposal is what you want then he needs to know that and also the timeline that’s acceptable to you. If you want it within six months, say so. If you’re ok to wait until after residency, say so. Be very clear. This is not remotely needy, this is about each of you discussing your needs and coming to a decision. This is about both of you not wasting your time if this relationship isn’t going where you both need it to go.

 

[neoexile]

And that's due to women being overworked and unappreciated at home and men typically cheating so. So of course women are going to initiate a divorce. You make it seem like women just break up their families for no reason. As I said before most men would get custody of their kids if they wanted it, fact is most don't.

=/

What you said is why many men don't want to get married right now. Men are at fault most of the time and women are just the victims of the faults of men. It doesn't sound like men want to risk that when they can get cheated out of their income and family so easily at any point in their marriage.

 

[Melanie2423]

I am sorry but the stats are against you. MARRIAGE IS A TERRIBLE THING FOR MEN! It can be wonderful for sure but it's very rare to find that person these days. We are in the age of instant gratification.

I have told myself that i will get married after 3 kids, and once all of them are past 5 years old.

Maybe men should start marrying their equals instead of women who make less than them. That significantly reduces the chance that you'll be made to pay alimony. Also men NEED TO START demanding full custody and being active in their children's lives. In the cases where men try to get full custody they usually are granted it, and the women is then made to pay child support.

It's not marriage that's bad, it's that too many men aren't thinking clearly about who they're marrying and what kind of parent they are.

 

[Crayola227]

I don't really blame him for his actions to date, maybe he's just afraid of commitment, or not ready for whatever reasons.

The fact you're here, talking to us, and not to him, has it ever occurred to you that your communication style, or what seems like possible motivations besides "the right ones" (I'll describe below), could be why he might not be jumping on the lifelong commitment train?

In my experience, men, or women for that matter, don't like feeling that the reason there's pressure to commit, is because of a move, a house, a job, friends that are whispering in your ear, keeping up with the Jones'.

People usually want to get married because they see themselves having a lifelong relationship with someone. Is the current state of your relationship something you think both of you should be excited about continuing forever?

I'm not saying there aren't issues with him, and I could be reading too much into your post, but going off of just that post, and the fact that both people are responsible for the state of any relationship, that you are definitely contributing to a situation that might not be a comfortable basis for going further in commitment. I would be hesitant if I were dating you and read your post.

Residency is really stressful, and not all relationships survive it. Maybe he really feels like it's a milestone you two need to get over before it's time to get engaged. Many people put off engagment or marriage or kids during residency. Not all. Just, there's more than one way that people deal with it, and I don't see a right or wrong either way.

If you're not married, just because other couples co-own doesn't make you entitled to co-own his house. The decision to live together, how that's paid, and home ownership, should be made together in a long term relationship where you live together, I agree though. Hopefully before a move happens?

I don't think it was crazy at all that you moved to be with the man you love. You need to look out that this is the right choice for you, no matter how the chips fall, and how this works financially.

I think a non-judgmental discussion needs to happen.

Check out www.alturtle.com

 

[Melanie2423]

=/

What you said is why many men don't want to get married right now. Men are at fault most of the time and women are just the victims of the faults of men. It doesn't sound like men want to risk that when they can get cheated out of their income and family so easily at any point in their marriage.

Or the simple solution is to be a good, nurturing husband and not cheat on your spouse. I'll clue you in on something. Women don't divorce men who are good husbands 😉

It seems most of the men mad about marriage on here shouldn't even be in a relationship. What's the point if you don't trust your SO or even want to commit to a person that the idea of being a decent husband is so troubling that you consider marriage a bad deal.

 

[Crayola227]

Well he did a property transfer from an LLC. I just think we should be co-owners if that's the house we'll both be living in and like I said before I wanted to put down money, but he wanted the house in his name only.

There is no reason to think just because you live in the house you should be a co-owner on a house he bought with his own money.

OTOH, if you are putting in money to the house or its upkeep, that's a different story that needs to be worked out. If he figures you'd be paying rent anyway and you should pay him to live there, again, that is different and needs discussion.

If part of the issue is that you would like to be building equity in a home, then again, discussion. Maybe you just need to be putting that sort of money into your own saving or make a similar investment if you choose to live in the house he owns.

 

[Goro]

I am a RN from in Chicago and my boyfriend got matched to Houston. He's a resident at a hospital here. I love him and I know he loves me,but when we moved I expected he would propose but he never did. We've been down here since September 2016 and he bought a house in Houston and paid for it cash and didn't add me as a co-owner. I know we aren't married, but unmarried couples co-own houses all the time and I would've gladly helped with money as we both currently make around the same. But instead he bought a house all on his own and paid cash full for it and didn't put my name with him and he also hasn't proposed.

I know residents have crazy schedules and he works 60-80 hrs/week, but is it too much to ask that he show me he's committed to me. I've told my friends about it and they say I was crazy moving down here to be with him without a ring on my finger. They think he can drop me anytime he wants, and putting the house in his name is a sign he doesn't see me in his future and is covering his ass.

Are they right or are they overreacting?

Dear Abby by Abigail Van Buren

 

[neoexile]

Or the simple solution is to be a good, nurturing husband and not cheat on your spouse. I'll clue you in on something. Women don't divorce men who are good husbands 😉

It seems most of the men mad about marriage on here shouldn't even be in a relationship. What's the point if you don't trust your SO or even want to commit to a person that the idea of being a decent husband is so troubling that you consider marriage a bad deal.

No. What is a bad deal is when men are decent husbands and still end up losing their home and kids because the wife wants to leave. And half the time it will happen. So marriage seems like flipping a coin. That's not a secure future.

 

[Trollest]

And that's due to women being overworked and unappreciated at home and men typically cheating so. So of course women are going to initiate a divorce. You make it seem like women just break up their families for no reason. As I said before most men would get custody of their kids if they wanted it, fact is most don't.

I can tell you haven't dated any women. I just heard Chef Ramsey's wife wanted to divorce him because he was getting overweight. But the truth is, the chances of him not marrying you are very low! You just dont jump into new relationships at this point of his life.

 

[Crayola227]

He really only said that he loved me and wanted me to move with him so I said yes, naturally assuming a marriage proposal would follow. But it's been a year and nothing.

I loved a man and moved halfway across the country. Because we loved each other and wanted to be together. We also had been dating for a year. But we did not discuss marriage. I assumed, because neither of us was ready to do so. I certainly wasn't at the time.

Sometimes people move and live together because they want to be together. It doesn't then automatically follow then a marriage proposal.

For us, that did come later, but after the move.

Typically, if you want to know the status of a relationship or where's it going, and you're ready to take it to the next step, waiting around for the other person to bring it up isn't a good move, unless that's how you would really like to handle it. If you're going to do nothing, then you need to expect that the other person might not read your mind and initiate the convo or moving the relationship up.

Many of us have a fantasy of a marriage proposal popping up like a big surprise romantic movie moment, but these days, it's usually not like that.

For all you know, despite him being conservative by putting the house in his name, he might be waiting/hoping for you to bring it up. Not to be sexist, but often it is women that move a relationship up. Many guys are content to just show up, and aren't looking for a promotion. Maybe he's waiting and wanting you to say something first.

No way to know without talking about it.

 

[Trollest]

Maybe men should start marrying their equals instead of women who make less than them. That significantly reduces the chance that you'll be made to pay alimony. Also men NEED TO START demanding full custody and being active in their children's lives. In the cases where men try to get full custody they usually are granted it, and the women is then made to pay child support.

It's not marriage that's bad, it's that too many men aren't thinking clearly about who they're marrying and what kind of parent they are.

i totally agree

 

[GypsyHummus]

I agree marriage is a beautiful thing and hope to one day be married. However, it is a wildly bad deal from the men's point of view.

In today's climate, marriage is WAYY too risky for a man. At any instant the women can be unhappy and demand half of the man's earnings. 80% of all divorces are initiated by a women, and they can leave for any reason, even if the man was a good hearted kind soul. I have witnessed this first hand, the women cheats, then files for divorce. There is no consequence for cheating, and the cheating party can still rake the higher income earner across the coals.

Everything in the family court system is in favor of the women, thats why something like 90+% of children go with the mother unless said mother has some sort of documentation of mental illness.

Do not talk about divorce and family laws until you have had to stare into the eyes of a broken man who told you he contemplated suicide and just wants to see his kids one last time before he pulls the trigger. People have no clue how devastating divorce and the family court system is for men and children.

Doctors getting married to a nurse is especially risky business because in 5 years (the benchmark of how long the average marriage lasts) said doctor will likely be making 200K+ as an attending. This puts them in a huge risk zone, and a big target on their back.

Think of it from the man's perspective, why get married? Companionship? You can get that through dating. Kids? in today's culture, You dont even have to be married to have kids and nobody blinks an eye. Intimacy? I grew up where it was no Ding Ding without the Ring Ring, but that doesnt seem to be the sentiment most people go by in today's age.

So marriage has a huge financial risk and all the upsides you could get from marriage are acquired other ways.

Marriage is a beautiful thing. Men see it as a bad deal, but in reality it isn't. Married men are actually happier than single men. What men seem to fear is divorce and that's usually because women feel overworked and that their spouse isn't helping them.

Trust me when I say too many mothers are overworked and their husbands aren't pulling their weight, so many figure they might as well be single rather than have a big baby to care for.

Personally I think this diatribe that men get screwed over is false. Look at cases where the women makes more than the man. Usually the man gets alimony. Divorce settlements are based off of income and who has custody of the children. If more men wanted custody of their kids, they would actually get it. Studies have shown most men don't ask for custody which is why the house and child support are given to the mother in most cases because she's doing the child rearing and children need a stable home environment especially after divorce.

I promise you if more men wanted full custody of their kids, they'd get it. The fact of the matter is most don't. You can't blame women for this when the people ruling this country are all men, the judges are mostly men, the lawyers are mostly men, and the laws are made mostly by MEN.

 

[Crayola227]

So essentially, he's covering his own ass like my friends said. He doesn't have faith in us that we'll last. Me I have no problem going all the way in and moving here to be with him, but he's still unsure about if we'll make it. Essentially showing he doesn't have faith in our relationship.

In total we've been together almost 3 years. 2 while he was in medical school and then 1 year while in residency.

I think I addressed above why I don't think you should be jumping to such negative conclusions.

You love him, right? So do you have no empathy for him that he might be afraid of getting hurt? That itself can be a sign of deep feeling.

My ex-fiancee and I were both really conservative about when to get engaged and married. We felt sorta weird that everyone around us was getting engaged and married before we were. But it wasn't just him. I wasn't ready. He wasn't. But, we loved each other deeply, and we knew where we wanted things to go.

There was some show we were watching, and a character said something that we just felt was right. I'll slaughter the quote.

"Sometimes the people seemingly the most hesistant to commit, are so not because they don't believe in or want it, but because they know what a big deal is and they take it the most seriously, what it is to commit. They don't take commitment lightly."

We just sorta looked at each other and knew that was us. So far from a lack of commitment was our choice to put off engagement, it was actually a sign of how seriously we took our relationship.

 

[Melanie2423]

I don't really blame him for his actions to date, maybe he's just afraid of commitment, or not ready for whatever reasons.

The fact you're here, talking to us, and not to him, has it ever occurred to you that your communication style, or what seems like possible motivations besides "the right ones" (I'll describe below), could be why he might not be jumping on the lifelong commitment train?

In my experience, men, or women for that matter, don't like feeling that the reason there's pressure to commit, is because of a move, a house, a job, friends that are whispering in your ear, keeping up with the Jones'.

People usually want to get married because they see themselves having a lifelong relationship with someone. Is the current state of your relationship something you think both of you should be excited about continuing forever?

I'm not saying there aren't issues with him, and I could be reading too much into your post, but going off of just that post, and the fact that both people are responsible for the state of any relationship, that you are definitely contributing to a situation that might not be a comfortable basis for going further in commitment. I would be hesitant if I were dating you and read your post.

Residency is really stressful, and not all relationships survive it. Maybe he really feels like it's a milestone you two need to get over before it's time to get engaged. Many people put off engagment or marriage or kids during residency. Not all. Just, there's more than one way that people deal with it, and I don't see a right or wrong either way.

If you're not married, just because other couples co-own doesn't make you entitled to co-own his house. The decision to live together, how that's paid, and home ownership, should be made together in a long term relationship where you live together, I agree though. Hopefully before a move happens?

I don't think it was crazy at all that you moved to be with the man you love. You need to look out that this is the right choice for you, no matter how the chips fall, and how this works financially.

I think a non-judgmental discussion needs to happen.

He wasn't afraid to ask me to move all the way down here to be with him, but he's afraid of commitment?

I'm starting to think my friends are right. If he doesn't trust me or want to commit then it's clear there's no foundation for a real relationship

 

[GypsyHummus]

That is a big portion, but not the full scoop of the issue.

Men, marry your equal in terms of finances, and someone who you can envision being the mother of your children. There are plenty of 6/10s out there who would make good mothers and wont take you for everything you have. Not everyone you date has to be an 8 or 9 and super slim with great features. Looks are going to fade anyway.

Women, stop trying to find Christian Gray or other rich billionaire types and settle for the slighty overweight accountant who makes a decent income and will treat you well. We know women like to Marry across and up dominance hierarchies. Well, if you are in medicine, there really isnt much of a lateral move you can do aside from dating a DO, DPM, DDS, etc. These men usually have their pick of women because they bring home good money and job security. Plus, your looks are fading and that is the first thing guys notice, act fast. Stop wasting your youth on bad boys who wont commit.

And if I had advice to a female cousin, no Ding Ding without the Ring Ring.

i totally agree

 

[rokshana]

I am a RN from in Chicago and my boyfriend got matched to Houston. He's a resident at a hospital here. I love him and I know he loves me,but when we moved I expected he would propose but he never did. We've been down here since September 2016 and he bought a house in Houston and paid for it cash and didn't add me as a co-owner. I know we aren't married, but unmarried couples co-own houses all the time and I would've gladly helped with money as we both currently make around the same. But instead he bought a house all on his own and paid cash full for it and didn't put my name with him and he also hasn't proposed.

I know residents have crazy schedules and he works 60-80 hrs/week, but is it too much to ask that he show me he's committed to me. I've told my friends about it and they say I was crazy moving down here to be with him without a ring on my finger. They think he can drop me anytime he wants, and putting the house in his name is a sign he doesn't see me in his future and is covering his ass.

Are they right or are they overreacting?

your friends are giving you some sound advice, but it, ultimately up to you to decide whether this relationship is one you want to keep and what are the conditions that make this relationship one with you are happy...

points to ponder:

when he was applying and interviewing did he include you in the decisions? There are plenty of threads here in which posters state their SOs needs and wants are playing a role in their ROL...did he include your needs and wants in the decision to rank and match in Houston?

after he matched and you decided to move with him, was this a decision you discussed and he asked you to move with him or did you offer to do so and what was his initial reaction? Did y'all discuss the timeline of the progression of your relationship...while the act of the proposal can be a surprise, in this day and age people generally know that a proposal is going to happen and men who propose are pretty sure the answer is going to be yes.

ask yourself why are you hesitant to start this discussion...is it because you deep down think that, on his part, this is not a serious long term relationship and you are afraid that if you ask about it, then the relationship will end?

as it has been said, every relationship is different, but the key thing is that you are BOTH on the same page... and from what you have posted, i suspect its not, but you really won't know until you discuss it with him and see if you are on the same page or can get on the same page...and if not, then you need to decide if this is really a relationship you want to stay in...

 

[neoexile]

He wasn't afraid to ask me to move all the way down here to be with him, but he's afraid of commitment?

I'm starting to think my friends are right. If he doesn't trust me or want to commit then it's clear there's no foundation for a real relationship

Like Crayola said, he might be afraid of being hurt. I feel like in relationships, the partners might not be so forgiving of each other. I think men go the extra mile to please their women, but often women do not see that. The reverse is probably true a lot of the time as well.

Why are we talking about this on SDN? Why are you not having this conversation with your boyfriend? Did you tell him how much commitment is important to you? How you will sacrifice and you'll stay with him no matter what? Perhaps that might alleviate his fear.