Break Up or Stay Together? How to move forward when you decide not to couples match?

[throwawayofasadgirl]

I am desperately in need of advice or a logical plan forward for the current situation I am in.

Unfortunately, I am in the middle of an “almost break up” with my boyfriend who is also my medical school classmate. I am lost, very depressed, and unsure of what any part of my future looks like going forward. I don’t know how to face the rest of my fourth year without this classmate, and I am very unsure of what the next “right move” in the relationship is that will hopefully prevent either of us from ****ing up the away rotations we are currently on.

Background: We started dating at the beginning of third year, fell for each other quickly, and as the relationship progressed, we both planned on couples matching with each other. Unfortunately, the pressure of third year and having completely opposite schedules significantly complicated things and we began to have way more fighting than a healthy relationship ever should experience. Not only that, but being in a relationship during the busiest year of either of our medical school careers, we likely caused each other to miss out on honoring some rotations given the time commitment of the relationship. Now that we are both on away rotations for our respective specialties things are falling apart and we no longer have plans to couples match- despite me very much wanting to couples match. We also are experiencing significant resistance from his family towards even continuing the relationship. He is contemplating breaking up now vs. breaking up after the match, and refuses to be physically intimate (which we haven’t been in over half a year) because he “doesn’t want to complicate things.” We have agreed on being “mutually supportive” during this time, but the fact that he is rejecting me in basically every other way and closing himself off to a real future with me, I feel like to a degree I am just torturing myself vs. choosing to be willfully ignorant until I get through my final AI rotation.

Options? I am not sure if I have any. Is it crazy to wait and hope that things work out? Is it logical to “be supportive” until after our current AI rotations, and then talk about the relationship later? Should be wait until after the match to decide if we want to proceed based on the trajectory of the relationship and where we are ending up for residency? This is the person I thought I would spend the rest of my life with at some point, and so did he. Without medicine, I don’t feel like I would be in this position and I’m very pessimistic about my life in medicine going forward.

Other complicating factors: We have Step 2 CS scheduled together for Dec.

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[TheIllusionist]

refuses to be intimate? very strange. You need you a new man who can give you all the types of lovin you need. Break up now and live your best life

 

[differentiating]

It sounds like the relationship’s over, if he’s that set on breaking up. I personally don’t see a point in waiting to break up if you’re effectively already broken up, and if it’s causing you this much distress already, it might be best to rip off the bandaid now.

 

[Moko]

Your current relationship should not define who you are. If this relationship is unlikely to be salvageable, better to cut the losses now and move on. You don't want your break-up to still be weighing on you when you start residency. There will also be plenty of other opportunities to find a new partner in residency and beyond.

 

[Osteosaur]

This must be hard but, as you describe it, there just don't seem to be any signs he wants to continue this. You place it on his family's feet but its ultimately his choice and he is not choosing.

If you're waiting to break up then you've already broken up. Once they say "I don't want to spend the rest of my life with you" its probably time to set your sights elsewhere, unless you see value in a 6 month relationship without physical intimacy (maybe you do. But I think the looming knowledge that it isn't forever will poison any enjoyment of it you have).

If it was me, and someoone told me "I'm going to break up with you in 6 months" and I really wanted to stay together, I'd be VERY distracted during those 6 months trying to win them back. I think that is what you're hoping for instead of ripping off the bandaid, because the way he's describing it is not "let's focus on our schoolwork and try to pick things up once life is settled."

 

[deleted859689]

You deserve better. <— period.

 

[DarkHorizon]

It’s over. Focus on the match so you can get the spot you want.

 

[studentdocftw]

It sounds like hes already moved on...you should too.

 

[GoSpursGo]

I had a similar experience where I wanted to couples match, but my girlfriend at the time didn't. I convinced her to stick together through 4th year, with the hope that her feelings would change. Guess what? She meant exactly what she said and we finally broke up after graduation. While I have no regrets because I learned from that experience, a truly irreconcilable difference (ie one person wanting to prioritize his/her career over the relationship) isn't going to just go away because you wish it were so.

It sounds like there are SEVERAL irreconcilable differences in your relationship. Every couple has fights, but what you describe seems beyond normal. Additionally, while you say you agreed to be "mutually supportive," it doesn't seem like he's supporting you. Honestly, it sounds like he has already made up his mind and he's just too chicken to tell you so. My advice would be to let this go--you're going to just let yourself get strung along, he won't give you any of the support that you want, and you'll just delay the healing that you need.

 

[OrthoTraumaMD]

A man who refuses to be intimate? He’s intimate with someone else. Sorry but that’s likely what’s happening. Cut your losses and let it go.

 

[LucidSplash]

I’m sorry but you’ve already broken up, you’re just not calling it that. Focus on your career for now, this too shall pass and there are other fish in the sea.

 

[chocoholicsoxfan]

The way I see it, once the relationship is over, you're going to be feeling pain and hurt for a specified amount of time (let's use 3 months as an example).

If you break up now, you'll be happy again by New Year's Day. If you wait, you might still be upset into the beginning of the intern year. Wouldn't you rather choose early happiness? Plus then you don't have these miserable, tortured months ahead of you hoping that he'll change his mind.

Fourth year is supposed to be fun and chill and laid back. Don't miss out on having that!

 

[sella.turcica]

He is contemplating breaking up now vs. breaking up after the match, and refuses to be physically intimate (which we haven’t been in over half a year) because he “doesn’t want to complicate things.”

Dump his sorry a**

 

[CherryRedDracul]

It's not going to get any better during residency. Better to make as clean of a break as you can sooner than later.

 

[ScreamingInternally]

That really sounds awful, I'm sorry that he's being so distant. Despite you wanting to couple match, if he is dead set against it, the relationship is not going to go anywhere positive. Especially if his family is also pressuring him further away from you. This truly sounds like an unhealthy relationship to remain in, and it is going to negatively affect you in lots of ways. I would recommend cutting him loose, try to be diplomatic if possible (though it sounds like he may not deserve it, its usually the best way to go, especially if you know you'll have to interact again in the future). Move on, take some personal time to recover, get some rebounds/flings in (if that's your sort of thing), eat some ice cream and watch a sad movie, try to reconnect with some friends or family you may have lost touch with during med school. Better to break it off now and start recovering than doing it post-match and spending what little happy time you have before residency kicks in recovering from this ish.

 

[fldoctorgirl]

Without medicine, I don’t feel like I would be in this position and I’m very pessimistic about my life in medicine going forward.

I think you're just searching for someone to blame the collapse of your relationship on-- his family, med school, etc. Seems to me like he is just no longer interested in pursuing a relationship with you, and is too afraid (or just doesn't care enough) to flat out say it. I mean, you've basically said you aren't really together anymore, aren't being intimate, etc....so how exactly are you in a relationship? You've broken up without officially saying so.

Trying to blame other factors besides him is just going to make you miserable towards the other things in your life, like medicine. Medicine is not the reason your relationship didn't work out; your relationship didn't work out because that's life and not everything is meant to be. The relationship you describe sounds very unhealthy, and I don't think you can fault medicine for that. I sympathize with what you are going through but I also agree with what others have said: if you know you're going to break up in 6 months, what's the point of continuing the relationship? I would end it and focus on enjoying your fourth year, matching where you want, and building an awesome life wherever you end up. When you're in a relationship with the right person for you, medicine isn't going to be the reason it falls apart.

 

[Fatalis]

I am desperately in need of advice or a logical plan forward for the current situation I am in.

Unfortunately, I am in the middle of an “almost break up” with my boyfriend who is also my medical school classmate. I am lost, very depressed, and unsure of what any part of my future looks like going forward. I don’t know how to face the rest of my fourth year without this classmate, and I am very unsure of what the next “right move” in the relationship is that will hopefully prevent either of us from ****ing up the away rotations we are currently on.

Background: We started dating at the beginning of third year, fell for each other quickly, and as the relationship progressed, we both planned on couples matching with each other. Unfortunately, the pressure of third year and having completely opposite schedules significantly complicated things and we began to have way more fighting than a healthy relationship ever should experience. Not only that, but being in a relationship during the busiest year of either of our medical school careers, we likely caused each other to miss out on honoring some rotations given the time commitment of the relationship. Now that we are both on away rotations for our respective specialties things are falling apart and we no longer have plans to couples match- despite me very much wanting to couples match. We also are experiencing significant resistance from his family towards even continuing the relationship. He is contemplating breaking up now vs. breaking up after the match, and refuses to be physically intimate (which we haven’t been in over half a year) because he “doesn’t want to complicate things.” We have agreed on being “mutually supportive” during this time, but the fact that he is rejecting me in basically every other way and closing himself off to a real future with me, I feel like to a degree I am just torturing myself vs. choosing to be willfully ignorant until I get through my final AI rotation.

Options? I am not sure if I have any. Is it crazy to wait and hope that things work out? Is it logical to “be supportive” until after our current AI rotations, and then talk about the relationship later? Should be wait until after the match to decide if we want to proceed based on the trajectory of the relationship and where we are ending up for residency? This is the person I thought I would spend the rest of my life with at some point, and so did he. Without medicine, I don’t feel like I would be in this position and I’m very pessimistic about my life in medicine going forward.

Other complicating factors: We have Step 2 CS scheduled together for Dec.

My mom said it best when she told me
"With long distance; it will strengthen a good relationship or the distance will deliver the final blow to a weak one"... you already know the answer. Yes I know break up sucks; but this is the most exciting time of your life...all the hard work to match into something YOU want to match into and practice medicine in a field YOU want to be in. He has made it clear that he doesnt want it....writing is on the wall, just call it off, match where YOU need to be and be done with it; keep him where he belongs, in the past.

 

[raiderette]

This is actually a better time to break up. You can go into interviews thinking about yourself, your goals. Explore the cities during interviews. As stressful as interview season is, at least you aren't spending hours working. You will have time for some self-care, maybe visiting with old friends. You are about to be a doctor.

 

[deleted1006988]

I am lost, very depressed, and unsure of what any part of my future looks like going forward.

Feel free to DM if you need someone to talk to.

 

[Gurby]

I would end it and focus on enjoying your fourth year, matching where you want, and building an awesome life wherever you end up.

Wildflowers don't care where they grow.

 

[Mad Jack]

F

Your relationship is already done, get yourself together and move on. These things happen a CD there are billions more people out there to meet, it will turn out fine and the lack of couples matching frees you up for a lot of other opportunities

 

[Select All That Apply]

Feel free to DM if you need someone to talk to.

 

[radsisrad]

That CS date is extraordinarily inconvenient. You will be very distracted regardless of what you decide to do with this guy (who's obviously pushing you away). See if you can change it.

 

[throwawayofasadgirl]

As an update, if anyone ever is in a similar situation: we broke up several months after this was posted, a week after we took CS together. For me, this was about mid-way through interview season. In a lot of ways this was the best timing, we were able to study for CS together and successfully pass, form a couple more very enjoyable memories together, and traveling for interviews was a welcome distraction. Not going to minimize it though- it was sometimes hard at pre-interview dinners to feel like you want to socialize in the midst of a break up but you get through. I think the harder part is missing out on the rest of fourth year together- there’s a lot of delayed gratification in pursuing a medical career, and especially in dating someone also pursuing the same goal when free time can be so hard to come by. It’s sad that when we finally have all the free time we longed to spend together in our relationship, we have to be apart. On the flip side, it’s a great time to grow as people, enjoy time with family and friends, and get over the heartbreak before residency.

 

[Ultimax]

I am glad that things work out at the end for you. It has shown that you have tremendous resiliency and your ability to prioritize what is more important at this point of your career. I have no doubt that you will succeed at your residency program and will be come a great doctor. What comes will come, if you and your ex-boyfriend are destined to be together, he will come back you. Best of luck!

 

[deleted480308]

As an update, if anyone ever is in a similar situation: we broke up several months after this was posted, a week after we took CS together. For me, this was about mid-way through interview season. In a lot of ways this was the best timing, we were able to study for CS together and successfully pass, form a couple more very enjoyable memories together, and traveling for interviews was a welcome distraction. Not going to minimize it though- it was sometimes hard at pre-interview dinners to feel like you want to socialize in the midst of a break up but you get through. I think the harder part is missing out on the rest of fourth year together- there’s a lot of delayed gratification in pursuing a medical career, and especially in dating someone also pursuing the same goal when free time can be so hard to come by. It’s sad that when we finally have all the free time we longed to spend together in our relationship, we have to be apart. On the flip side, it’s a great time to grow as people, enjoy time with family and friends, and get over the heartbreak before residency.

Discard the past and move on