Can someone read my 100-word diversity blurb?

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Thanks for so many offers, but I've gotten some advice to completely scrap it and try a new topic. I think it'll help me to have two drafts and decide from there but if I do need help once I've recrafted I hope you guys would still be willing to take a look!
 
I've tried messaging people from the readers list but with no success. I just need to know if I'm completely missing the mark.

Thanks
Hi there! you can PM me =) and I'll give my personal email =)

BY THE WAY I LIVE IN HAWAII and I am a 28 year old female nontrad
 
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