Can someone take a look at my 0-6 year pharmacy school essay?

[343533]

Please submit a brief 250-word essay discussing your reasons for choosing a career in pharmacy and why you are applying to St. John’s University.
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I have always had a fiery desire to learn more and more about the sciences. Out of all the sciences, chemistry has caught my attention the most. Why, one might ask, do I prefer chemistry over other subjects? Well my answer is simple: I love the hands-on activities I can do in chemistry courses. I favor solving calculations and balancing equations while seeing what will actually come out of it. The first day of chemistry, my class was assigned the first chapter for homework and I remember thinking to myself, “this class is going to be tough,” but it turned out to be a wonderful experience. Throughout the time I spent in chemistry during my sophomore year and even now in college chemistry, I continue to feel more and more interested in the subject. Every time I see a chemical reaction take place, I want to learn how it happened. The first day in college chemistry, we started a lab. It had to do with acid-base reactions. When we titrated an acid and a base, I felt heat emanate from the reaction. It amazed me. “How could two cold liquids mix to release heat?” “How can a purple base and a clear acid turn green when mixed together?” All those questions swirled around in my mind. Every experience I have in chemistry makes me want to learn more.
My love of chemistry has driven me to seek the perfect profession that will suit my interests and I believe pharmacy is the best fit. It has always been my desire to help people using my intellect and becoming a pharmacist will allow me to do so. I have chosen St. John's University to pursue a degree in pharmacy because of its distance from my home and the quality of education I will receive. St. John's University's pharmacy program's reputation precedes it and I am sure that attending the school will help me achieve my goals.

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[owlegrad]

Please submit a brief 250-word essay discussing your reasons for choosing a career in pharmacy and why you are applying to St. John’university.
-------
I have always had a fiery desire to learn more and more about the sciences. Out of all the sciences, chemistry has caught my attention the most. Why, one might ask, do I prefer chemistry over other subjects? Well my answer is simple: I love the hands-on activities I can do in chemistry courses. I favor solving calculations and balancing equations while seeing what will actually come out of it. The first day of chemistry, my class was assigned the first chapter for homework and I remember thinking to myself, “this class is going to be tough,” but it turned out to be a wonderful experience. Throughout the time I spent in chemistry during my sophomore year and even now in college chemistry, I continue to feel more and more interested in the subject. Every time I see a chemical reaction take place, I want to learn how it happened. The first day in college chemistry, we started a lab. It had to do with acid-base reactions. When we titrated an acid and a base, I felt heat emanate from the reaction. It amazed me. “How could two cold liquids mix to release heat?” “How can a purple base and a clear acid turn green when mixed together?” All those questions swirled around in my mind. Every experience I have in chemistry makes me want to learn more.
My love of chemistry has driven me to seek the perfect profession that will suit my interests and I believe pharmacy is the best fit. It has always been my desire to help people using my intellect and becoming a pharmacist will allow me to do so. I have chosen St. John's University to pursue a degree in pharmacy because of its distance from my home and the quality of education I will receive. St. John's University's pharmacy program's reputation precedes it and I am sure that attending the school will help me achieve my goals.

Well first I wanted to say good luck.

My impression after reading through your essay is that you love chemistry. You may want to expand on why you want to pursue pharmacy a little more (hint: be more specific than "help people") and focus on the chemistry side a tad less. Just a suggestion though.

Again Good Luck!

 

[343533]

thanks but the thing is, I already have 350 words..

 

[owlegrad]

thanks but the thing is, I already have 350 words..

I just realized you said 0-6. You have good essay writting skills for someone so young. I guess you are supposed to for those 0-6 programs though...

 

[343533]

Yes, I am a good writer when I am given time to present the facts and the facts plain and simple.
here's my new essay, 354 words:

I have always had a fiery desire to learn more and more about the sciences. Out of all the sciences, chemistry has caught my attention the most. The first day of chemistry, my class was assigned the first chapter for homework and I remember thinking to myself, “this class is going to be tough,” but it turned out to be a wonderful experience. Throughout the time I spent in chemistry during 10th grade and even now in college chemistry, I continue to feel more and more interested in the subject. Every time I see a chemical reaction take place, I want to learn how it happened. The first day in college chemistry, we started a lab. It had to do with acid-base reactions. When we titrated an acid and a base, I felt heat emanate from the reaction. It amazed me. “How could two cold liquids mix to release heat?” “How can a purple base and a clear acid turn green when mixed together?” All those questions swirled around in my mind. Every experience I have in chemistry makes me want to learn more.

My love of chemistry has driven me to seek the perfect profession that will suit my interests and I believe pharmacy is the best fit. It has always been my desire to help people using my intellect and becoming a pharmacist will allow me to do so. I am currently looking into the field of oncology pharmacy as it looks promising and rewarding. Ever since my mother had a cancer scare, I decided to play a role in helping people with cancer improve their health.

I have chosen St. John's University to pursue a degree in pharmacy because of its distance from my home and the quality of education I will receive. Since I am sure of my desire to become a pharmacist, STJ's 0-6 pharmacy program is what I am seeking admittance into and because of the dearth of such programs, STJ is my number one choice. St. John's University's pharmacy program's reputation precedes it and I am sure that attending the school will help me achieve my goals.

 

[p-rog]

you need to at least mention that you are good at counting skittles by 5's.

 

[ronkoshy]

...

 

[bacillus1]

Btw they might also be testing if you can follow directions. If they say 250 words, write no more than 250 words. Honestly if they want an essay that short, I don't think it should be a big deal.

 

[All4MyDaughter]

Moving to pre-pharmacy.

 

[pharm B]

Should you maybe mention something more about your desire to be a pharmacist? Chemistry is a big role in our education, but they might want to see that you have some idea of what path you're setting yourself upon (the PharmD, not a PhD in Chem). I might try to be a little more concise with the chemistry stuff and throw in more about why you want to be a pharmacist.

Just my two cents, though.

 

[Dave4468]

I'll take a look..



Paragraph 1:

Please submit a brief 250-word essay discussing your reasons for choosing a career in pharmacy and why you are applying to St. John's University.

Follow the prompt and keep it the point. For example, you go off on a tangent when talking about your chemistry class. I don't think it is necessary to point out that you "thought it was tough" for example. Be concise.

I have always had a fiery desire to learn more and more about the sciences.

I bolded some awkward phrases which might seem immature and informal. I think it is important that you show some maturity in your writing since you are applying for a professional degree and I feel that this is more important in your case since you are coming straight from high school. Take out "fiery" and instead of "more and more", just say "more."

Out of all the sciences, chemistry has caught my attention the most. The first day of chemistry, my class was assigned the first chapter for homework and I remember thinking to myself, "this class is going to be tough," but it turned out to be a wonderful experience. Throughout the time I spent in chemistry during 10th grade and even now in college chemistry, I continue to feel more and more interested in the subject. Every time I see a chemical reaction take place, I want to learn how it happened. The first day in college chemistry, we started a lab. It had to do with acid-base reactions. When we titrated an acid and a base, I felt heat emanate from the reaction. It amazed me. "How could two cold liquids mix to release heat?" "How can a purple base and a clear acid turn green when mixed together?" All those questions swirled around in my mind. Every experience I have in chemistry makes me want to learn more.

I like this, but since you are only allowed around 250 words, I would take out a LOT of what you wrote here or summarize it. I would connect your love of chemistry with pharmacy much more earlier, and relate it to how you would be fulfilling these desires when you are working as a pharmacist.



Paragraph 2:

My love of chemistry has driven me to seek the perfect profession that will suit my interests and I believe pharmacy is the best fit.

I think you should rephrase this a little bit, so you can connect chemistry with pharmacy. I think what you meant to say was that your love of chemistry inspires you to do pharmacy.

It has always been my desire to help people using my intellect and becoming a pharmacist will allow me to do so. I am currently looking into the field of oncology pharmacy as it looks promising and rewarding. Ever since my mother had a cancer scare, I decided to play a role in helping people with cancer improve their health.

I would delete a lot of what you wrote in your first paragraph and elaborate more on this. Do you have pharmacy experience? You should tie that in to here as well. If you don't have pharmacy experience, I think you should show that you really know what you are talking about, again by mentioning specific things that appeal to you. Also, I would suggest pointing out specific things that pharmacists do that inspire you, not just the fact that they "help people." Many professions help people, what stands out about pharmacy?



Paragraph 3:

I have chosen St. John's University to pursue a degree in pharmacy because of its distance from my home and the quality of education I will receive.

What about the quality of the education? Be more specific. Is there something in the curriculum that appeals to you? Is there something that makes St. John's stand out from other 0-6 schools?

Since I am sure of my desire to become a pharmacist,

How are you so sure? I did not get that from your writing. I think it is important that you show this more. I would think 0-6 schools would want to be affirmed that pharmacy is really what you want to do since they accept people who are still young and in high school, a time when most have no clue what they want to do.

STJ's 0-6 pharmacy program is what I am seeking admittance into and because of the dearth of such programs, STJ is my number one choice.

I had to look dearth up ("an insufficient quantity or number"). Now I have never used this word before, but wouldn't you be implying that STJ is your number one choice because there are not that many 0-6 programs out there? Again, I am not sure about this word choice, but I don't think it is what you meant to say.

St. John's University's pharmacy program's reputation precedes it and I am sure that attending the school will help me achieve my goals.

Maybe it's just me, but I do not understand this last statement? Precedes what? I think it might also be a good idea to talk more about your goals and "what you want to get" from St John's program.

 

[owlegrad]

I'll take a look..
...

How do you break up a quote like that? Is there an easy way to do it?

I agree with what you critiqued.

 

[Dave4468]

How do you break up a quote like that? Is there an easy way to do it?

I agree with what you critiqued.

Haha thanks Owle. In the (advanced) editor, highlight what you want to quote, and then click the icon on the toolbar that looks like a picture of a chat bubble.

 

[owlegrad]

Haha thanks

Your welcome.

In the (advanced) editor, highlight what you want to quote, and then click the icon on the toolbar that looks like a picture of a chat bubble.

Awesome, Thanks!

 

[Medwell]

Redo it, and talk about why you're interested in pharmacy/healthcare/drugs/helping people, not chemistry.