Can you evaluate my Writing Sample?

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SuperSaiyan3

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A student's academic success depends more on hard work than on intelligence.
Describe a specific situation in which a student's academic success might depend more on intelligence than on hard work. Discuss what you think determines whether a student's academic success depends more on hard work or on intelligence.


The classic parable of the persevering turtle winning the race against the talented hare is something that most people in society would recognize. This parable advocates for the above statement in the regard that hard work is the key factor in the outcome of success. However, this may or may not always be the case in the outlook of a student's academic career. In the course of this essay, I will show that a student's academic success may or may not depend more on either hard work or intelligence.

Some students are naturally talented in academia. However, not all academic subjects require talent and expertise; some may simply require the basic set of abilities of a human mind. In this regard, the academic criterion is a key factor in determining if a student can succeed by purely the means of hard work. For example, a subject such as human anatomy is essentially a science of nominal and functional memorization. Through perseverance, it is very much possible for a student to succeed by memorizing the name and function of every entity of anatomy. This type of academic success is characterized by the number of hours a student puts in delving his nose into the textbook and going above and beyond to understand the class material.

Comparatively, there are subjects that may not be mastered by persistency and determination. Students who have repeatedly failed organic chemistry can personally attest to these types of academia that require the natural flare for success. These fields of academia require you to beyond memorization and utilize critical thinking and inquiry to solve the problems. A Rubik's cube is a good analogy of this form of academia. A student who believes in hard work may put in hours to solving a Rubik's cube, but will not succeed using only his persistency. On the other hand, a student using logic and intelligence will quickly determine the pattern of the puzzle and may succeed where the other had failed.

For the most part of academics, success will vary upon the characteristics of the subject that the individual chooses to pursue. Sometimes it is better to walk away from a subject knowing that you have tried your best – that is not to say a student should not try his hardest at all in the first place. Academic subjects are the same as anything else that you would struggle in life. If you lack either one of the above prerequisites, you may not succeed.

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so a couple inquiries I have are:

- is it bad to start off with an introductory opening like I did about the parable?? I've been getting my sister to read my essays since she's an english major and she's been telling me to stop beating around the bush and tells me to stop writing these creative openings I like to start off with... i mean should this make it more interesting for the reader?

- am I not allowed to say abbreviations on the MCAT essay? For example: don't, couldn't, I'm instead of do not, could not, I am. or things like CIA instead of Central Intelligence Agency.

- is my concluding sentence too short? or does it matter at all?

ANY inquiries appreciated. THANK YOU!
 
I would say this is an R at least. You've got a very concise and logical argument. The reference to the parable and hypothetical example are good. I would say try to throw in something more concrete (with a name or date attached), but that's tough for a topic like this one and I don't think you would be serious penalized for it.
I don't think your opening paragraph needs the line 'In the course of this essay, I will show that a student’s academic success may or may not depend more on either hard work or intelligence. ' It's kind of a wishy-washy thesis. Otherwise, if you write like this all the time, you're golden.

PS as a proud rubik's cuber, i can attest to the fact that it's all about memorizing algorithms. hardly any intelligence involved at all.
 
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oops, forgot the most important thing i was going to mention - brush up on your grammar! that's the major red flag in this essay. your content's great, but grammar problems may drag you down.
 
I would give it an N due to mistakes in grammar and spelling. Also, I think you could explain your position better.

Through perseverance, it is very much possible for a student to succeed by memorizing the name and function of every entity of anatomy.
One could argue that you need a good memory to do this. I just don't think you have supported your points sufficiently.
 
It's a good essay written in 30 minutes. Be slightly more elaborate in the concluding part, and the entire piece would turn divine.

Here's a question for those who have taken the MCAT with regards to the following tutorial page:

http://www.prometric.com/demos/mcat/htmldemo/tut_essay_keys.htm

It says "Tab and Delete are not available in this program." But, the "Delete" key seems to work in e-mcat. Can anyone clarify on this?

Thanks.
 
It's a good essay written in 30 minutes. Be slightly more elaborate in the concluding part, and the entire piece would turn divine.

Here's a question for those who have taken the MCAT with regards to the following tutorial page:

http://www.prometric.com/demos/mcat/htmldemo/tut_essay_keys.htm

It says "Tab and Delete are not available in this program." But, the "Delete" key seems to work in e-mcat. Can anyone clarify on this?

Thanks.

Neither worked during my actual exam. It sucked because I rely on delete more than backspace.
 
thanks for the feedback guys.

can you point out the grammatical errors I made? I looked it over once quickly and didn't spot any myself...

thanks!
 
Is it OK to say "you" and "I" in the essay? I always thought that essays were supposed to be written in 3rd person.
 
Is it OK to say "you" and "I" in the essay? I always thought that essays were supposed to be written in 3rd person.

It's all about style and tone. You can use "you" and "I" if you want to establish a less formal tone and can pull it off successfully.


(Although, I wouldn't on the MCAT...)
 
Some mistakes, there may be more. Some of these are just awkward phrasing more than grammar.
Some students are naturally talented in academia. However, not all academic subjects require talent and expertise; some may simply require the basic set of abilities of a human mind. In this regard, the academic criterion is a key factor in determining if a student can succeed by purely the means of hard work. For example, a subject such as human anatomy is essentially a science of nominal and functional memorization. Through perseverance, it is very much possible for a student to succeed by memorizing the name and function of every entity of anatomy. This type of academic success is characterized by the number of hours a student puts in delving his nose into the textbook and going above and beyond (above and beyond what?) to understand the class material.

Comparatively, there are subjects that may not be mastered by persistency and determination. Students who have repeatedly failed organic chemistry can personally attest to these types of academia that require the natural flare for success.(not needed) These fields of academia require you to go? beyond memorization and utilize critical thinking and inquiry to solve the problems. A Rubik’s cube is a good analogy of this form of academia. A student who believes in hard work may put in hours to solving ("solving" or "trying to solve". "to solving" seems awkward to me) a Rubik’s cube, but will not succeed using only his persistency. On the other hand, a student using logic and intelligence will quickly determine the pattern of the puzzle and may succeed where the other had failed.

For the most part of academics, success will vary based? upon the characteristics of the subject that the individual chooses to pursue. Sometimes,(you need a comma here) it is better to walk away from a subject knowing that you have tried your best – that is not to say a student should not try his hardest at all(not needed) in the first place. Academic subjects are the same as anything else that you would struggle with? in life. If you lack either one of the above prerequisites, you may not succeed.
 
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