can you look at this autobio?

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Sonya

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Hi,

I am submitting this for various secondaries (if they ask whatever you want to tell us, or if they ask for an autobio).
I want to focus on things not directly related to medicine (because my AMCAS app talks plenty about medical stuff).

Well, here are my concerns about the essay:
Does it flow?
Is anything particularly confusing?
Do you get an overall positive impression?
PLEASE tell me if anything at all seems to have a negative connotation (relects badly on me, or seems improper to say).
Anything else you think i should change?
Is the second paragraph appropriate? is the example too trite? is it confusing? (of course such comments apply to all paragraphs, but i'm concerned about that paragraph).
I'm also concerned about the third from last paragraph (I explored my interests outside classes...). Does it seem strange? does it make a point?

How badly do you think i need to cut it down (it doesn't exceed word limits, but is long)? Any suggestions how?

ANY ANY ANY ANY!!!! comments, criticisms, or suggestions are appreciated, no matter how nice or how mean.

Thank you,
Sonya
 
Autobiography of Sonya [Last name]

Edited 9/16: I got rid of the essay because I am done with it, and people here warned me against putting essays online.
 
I was going to finish it, but it's really hard to read that with no divisions between the paragraphs, so I stopped after the first. I will read the rest if you could make it more readable. Could you double-space between? And do you want criticisms sent by PM or directly on this thread?

Also, in that first paragraph, "my brother and I" should be "my brother and me". That clause is a prepositional phrase, and therefore you must use object pronouns. That's one of my many grammatical pet peeves.
 
Is this for Vanderbilt?
 
Sonya,

Be careful about posting your essays. I had my personal statement revised by a good friend, and was shocked to read my same exact sentences in her AMCAS essay! She claims to have done it inadvertently, but I will never know. If someone copies you, they will be in serious trouble, but they will pull you down with them. Just a warning, I know you probably never thought someone would do that, but neither did I!

Good luck!
 
criticisms are fine on this thread. I really don't care how you give them. No, it's not for vanderbilt, vandrbilt doesn't give out secondaries till they interview.

This is the exact same essay, just with more spaces.
I was going to say i don't give a crap if someone wants to copy my essay, but i see what you mean it c ould bring me down. oh well, i've posted.

--------------------------

Edited 9/16: I got rid of the essay because I am done with it, and people here warned me against putting essays online.
 
Sonya, do you want honest feedback? I tend to be highly perfectionistic and exceptionally overcritical. I'll post comments on this thread but only if you say ok first.

Consider yourself warned😉
 
Hey, did you post this before somewhere? It sounds really familiar.

Anka
 
I posted a previous version here before.

anyone can e-mail me [email protected] also if they prefer to comment there.

Honest/blunt comment IS welcome. If i'm warned someone is going to be particularly picky, I will not take it negatively.

Doc05, you may post.

Sonya
 
Hi Sonya! Is this for UCSD by any chance? I'm working on my own UCSD autobio essay and it's driving me insane right now. Don't worry...I won't steal your ideas. I have lived quite a different life from yours anyway 🙂

I don't really feel right about critiquing other applicants' essays while I'm still working on my own, but I will say one thing: run your essay through a grammar check or have somebody you trust proofread it for you. I just read the first paragraph and noticed some errors (such as "my brother and I") and awkward/too informal phrases (such as "extra hard"). Just my 2 cents worth. Good luck with everything!
 
It's late so I'll briefly summarize the problems in this essay:

1. It's not particularly interesting.
2. Nor is it well-written. In fact, I have a hard time believing that you are currently a college student applying to medical school. Is English your first language?
3. There are a handful of grammatical mistakes.
4. Likewise, several sentences should be restructured. Awkwardness has no place in well-written prose.
5. You describe a number of activities rather superficially. Your examples do not properly convey whatever point you are trying to make.
6. Related to (5), you make a number of unqualified statements. Some are rather subtle, but they are nonetheless troubling.
7. You spend far too much time discussing your childhood (which, as far as I can tell, was none too atypical), and barely touch upon more recent (and presumably more substantial) life experiences.
8. There isn't a trace of originality within.

Realize that when a school asks you to "add any additional information you want to share..." this means (i) explain academic deficiencies, time out of school, etc.; or (ii) add something of value which might improve your candidacy.

good luck.

Originally posted by Sonya
criticisms are fine on this thread. I really don't care how you give them. No, it's not for vanderbilt, vandrbilt doesn't give out secondaries till they interview.

This is the exact same essay, just with more spaces.
I was going to say i don't give a crap if someone wants to copy my essay, but i see what you mean it c ould bring me down. oh well, i've posted.

--------------------------

Autobiography of Sonya
My unusual early education and family upbringing had a lasting impact on who I am. I grew up in a close family, where my parents were highly involved with my growth. I often turned to them for advice and support. My mom worked extra hard, pursuing side jobs, so my father could stay at home to raise my brother and I. Because of their guidance and encouragement, I have been able to find proper opportunities to pursue my ambitions. I admire their dedication to family, and hope to provide something similar for my family.


I emulate my father, especially in his confidence about pursuing what he desired. Thus, I developed a habit of accepting challenges and handling them by preparation, foreseeing difficulties, and, ultimately, accepting the outcome. An early, but memorable example is our family?s dream vacation hiking down Grand Canyon. I was only seven, and rangers insisted young children should not pursue such a strenuous hot trail. Rather then backing down, we extensively prepared for the trip with months of hikes on comparable trails in Yosemite and an afternoon drive through Death Valley. Then only, knowing we were capable, we pursued the trip. Through many experiences, whether a difficult course, a demanding career, or merely a hike, I opened myself to opportunities and developed my confidence.


Although my parents guided me, they gave me independence. I contributed in deciding family rules, and misbehavior was followed by constructive discussions of morality. Far from sternly disciplining me, my parents treated me with the respect of a peer and taught me to take responsibility for my actions. For instance, as early as six years, I was given a nickel per week allowance, provided I keep accurate records of money earned and spent. Soon I earned extra allowance for chores or excellent behavior, yet had to buy my own groceries. With a limited budget, I naturally became used to spending money maturely and appreciating commodities I earned.


While raising us, my parents instilled the importance of education, not by forcing us to get excellent grades, but rather by fostering an environment that encouraged our curiosity. Childhood afternoon were spent solving puzzles, doing backyard experiments, and designing educational computer games, to name a few. For instance, knowing our love for hiking, my father suggested my brother and I make a model of Yosemite. Soon, rummaging through maps and calling stores, I enjoyed learning about interpreting contour maps, negotiating prices, and scaling measurements. Through such experiences, I viewed education not as a process of absorbing facts, but rather self directed exploration and thorough understanding.


I naturally took responsibility over my education. My habits of independent and self directed learning reflected in my academic performance: I learned quickly, yet felt restricted by the repetitiveness of education in traditional schools. Thus, when I was in grade school, in 1993, my family sought an alternative education path for me. After a few months, I enrolled at a junior college, Foothill College, through a program allowing pre-college students to take accredited college courses, thus combining high school with college. I embraced the college learning environment, where independent learning and opinions discussion was essential. Because Foothill provided quality university level education, I stayed there for my early college work. This step had many lasting implications, far beyond the advanced pace education.


My early start with and the low cost of the community college allowed me the luxury of obtaining a broad education. I pursued many interesting courses such as economics, music cultures and theory, Japanese and Spanish, as well as sciences. My interests developed in sciences, and I decided to transfer to Washington University to pursue a degree in Biomedical Engineering. Nonetheless, my interest in medical and social sciences were not isolated: I combined them in projects such as a study of economic implications of the Balanced Budget Act on medical education. Beyond allowing me to appreciate other disciplines, this broad education helps me understand how my future career will fit into the society.


I explored my interests outside classes through various campus activities. I pursued my enthusiasm for art with classes in ceramics and piano. From 1996 to 1997, I improved our campus community as a student senator. While tutoring, I particularly enjoyed helping individual students. Besides developing life long passions, I enjoyed interacting with others. For instance, I admired the commitment of one my tutees, a recent immigrant who worked full time, while trying to improve her English at the college and provide opportunities for her teenage son. Later, volunteering at a Detention Center, I was equally impressed by the motivation of a teenage boy I worked with, who although growing up in a neighborhood of gangs, still wanted to excel in school and pursue his ambition of attending college.


Finally, because of this education, I was fortunate enough to have eight years to develop my career interests in the college environment of relevant classes, extra activities, and mentors. When my interest developed I medicine, in 1995, I joined Medical Explorers, a pre-health club for students to meet and discuss careers with physicians. Beyond a broad exposure to the field, I was amazed by the physicians? dedication to and enthusiasm with their career, and hoped, as a doctor I would feel the same way about my career. For five years, I obtained a more direct exposure volunteering in a variety of medical settings and participating in AMSA. My interest also developed in research, through four years of research during and full time after college. Through these activities, as well as critical career discussions with mentors, I developed a realistic understanding of a medical career.


With this background, I foresee a career of academic medicine, integrating research with clinical medicine. I will continue to seek opportunities, including further research, and advice from others to align my research and clinical interests.
 
Sonya -- you are a strong person; I'm not sure I would have welcomed anonymous comments from the big, wide cyberworld. But....since you did, here goes!

1. Not at all interesting. very common; could be most any person's statement. if I were reading a whole pile of personal statements, once I put yours on the "has been read pile" I would forget about it. there is nothing in the statement to grab me and hold my attention. there is nothing "catching" which would cause your statement and application to rise to the top. (This applies to any paper you would ever write.)

2. I know that I am a picky word-smith, so I can be harsh and critical. There are some significant grammatical errors that made me cringe.

3. Not focused. Don't tell me your life story in one page. Focus on one event (or series of similar events) that made a difference in your life. See #1 re: catching! And, depending on how you will be using this personal statement.....how that event guided you to make a significant life's decision (for example, to study medicine). I have a friend who, as a child, was kicked in the chest by a horse. Her parents did not have insurance, and she can remember them debating whether or not to take her to the doctor. This -- and some other things -- lead her to provide health care to the underserved; she works in South Central LA with mentally ill homeless African American patients.

4. Awkward sentence structure. And you are not saying what you want to say. (...."my parents were highly involved with my growth.") How can that be....did they stretch you? Growth is a natural thing.....unless you are taking growth hormones. Maybe your parents were invovled in your "personal growth" or your development. See what I mean?

5. Do you still have contact with a good English teacher or professor? Maybe that person can spend some in-depth time with you, giving assistance so that you can develop a stronger personal statement.

Sorry for the strong comments, but they are meant to be honest. With your statement, as currently written, you will be limiting yourself.

Cheers
 
One other thing. You said you were in grade school in 1993, and months later started taking college courses. Grade school is synonymous with elementary school, a.k.a. grades 1-5 at most. Now, there are two possibilities:

1. You actually did this, in which case you should have made that the focus of your entire essay, IMHO.

2. You really meant secondary school (high school), in which case you should change what you said.

This threw me off for a little bit.

Beyond this, I agree with the other posts. You can't tell your entire life story in about 2 pages of text. You will be skipping anything of substance, and it will be boring. And your upbringing isn't that unusual, at least as you described. Your childhood boils down to: you had supportive parents and ...... that's it. Focus on one unique, important event in your life, and tell how it made a difference to you.
 
I liked your previous version that I "edited" for you in your previous thread better. Just my opinion though.
 
Sonya,

I have a tip you might like.

At some point(s) in this essay, you will have some boring, dry material--that's the nature of an autobio.

However, I think you can make this essay really stand out in this way: think of a completely ordinary event in your life that most people would consider too mundane or insignificant to write about, and then flesh the event out; show how you made this experience a valuable one by explaining something unique that you learned from it.

I don't know if what I said makes much sense, but I can't think of a better way to explain it.

Hope this helps.
 
Damn. I may be evil but you guys are brutal. One piece of advice that has helped me is this: don't try too hard, just write the way you speak. That way, if you are articulate and interesting, your writing will be too.
 
Originally posted by ankitovich
Damn. I may be evil but you guys are brutal. One piece of advice that has helped me is this: don't try too hard, just write the way you speak. That way, if you are articulate and interesting, your writing will be too.

"write the way you speak" is perhaps the worst piece of advice anyone could give. Anyone with any semblance of writing ability knows that their writing should be more sophitisticated than their "everyday speak."

So unless you are a professor of English Literature, or an attending neurologist, write BETTER than you speak.
 
Go to hell. Be sure to visit.
 
Hi,

English is my first language, but i didn't proofread this thing extremely carefully before posting (and i've done a lot of editing, so the grammar gets messed up).

I started in the college at what would have been the beginning of my fifth grade. I could put a little more emphasis on that, since it would confuse the reader. However, I do NOT want to put much emphasis on the fact that I am a younger applicant (age 19). It can bring out a LOT of negative steryotypes in some people's minds (eg, you're pushed into medicine by your parents, you're socially immature, etc, etc). Most of all, I do not want the interview at any school to be dominated by that topic - I have a LOT of other interesting things about me for them to talk about in an interview.

But i did want to say something about how I benefited from having more time in college: particularly a I had time for a broad education and had more time to think about careers in the college environment.

I understand your suggestion petersongator. I feel particularly incapable of writing interesting material, but I may give it a shot.

Ckent.. thanks. Someone else (who I had reason to trust) said that previous essay would definetly hurt my admission. Anyway, there's no right answer with an essay. (I wish there were..grr)

I'm amazed that so many people were willing to give advice. Whether or not I told you individually, I appreciate all your suggestions.

oh yeah, once i submit this essay, this thread (or at least the essay) will be deleted.

Sonya
 
Sonya,

Your essay is excellent and unique. I think all you need to do spend some time fine-tuning it in the writing lab and get some feedback from people who now you well.

Don?t take any advice from ****ING STUPID IDIOT **DOC05**!!

DOC05:

Don't criticize people like that you dumb mother****er. I am interviewing at Harvard this month and hope to run into your dumb ass.
 
I agree that there needs to be some "tweaking" of this essay, especially the gramatical errors. However, I think that most of the replies are quite over the top, and make it sound as if she should throw away the whole essay and start from scratch.

I can't imagine a single thing you can put in an essay that will make someone reading it say:

"Holy crap!" [throwing all other essays on the floor]
"This person's essay is PHENOMENAL! I must have them here IMMEDIATELY. Nevermind, forget the interview and the secondaries. This person is accepted with a full scholarship."

Get real. It's a job. Read essays all day, and tell me you're going to remember ANY of them.

Your essay could make you look like a ******, but as long as it's not a complete disaster, it will only serve as an accent to your GPA, MCAT, etc.

Does anyone else feel this way, or can you only get accepted if you really are a former astronaut that cured polio and can run the 40 in 4 flat AND can write a great essay about it?
 
Originally posted by swankydude
Sonya,

Your essay is excellent and unique. I think all you need to do spend some time fine-tuning it in the writing lab and get some feedback from people who now you well.

Don?t take any advice from ****ING STUPID IDIOT **DOC05**!!

DOC05:

Don't criticize people like that you dumb mother****er. I am interviewing at Harvard this month and hope to run into your dumb ass.

Harvard? Hmm.
 
Originally posted by Sonya
Ckent.. thanks. Someone else (who I had reason to trust) said that previous essay would definetly hurt my admission. Anyway, there's no right answer with an essay. (I wish there were..grr)

"Hurt your admission"? Well, whatever floats his/her boat, I still personally think that your previous essay was much stronger then this new essay as it was more direct. You are right though, there are no right answers for essays. I'd recc reading some of the free recc's made on accepted.com for med school essays too.
 
Originally posted by swankydude
Sonya,

Your essay is excellent and unique. I think all you need to do spend some time fine-tuning it in the writing lab and get some feedback from people who now you well.

Don?t take any advice from ****ING STUPID IDIOT **DOC05**!!

DOC05:

Don't criticize people like that you dumb mother****er. I am interviewing at Harvard this month and hope to run into your dumb ass.

I am not the least bit impressed by your overzealous use of pejoratives. As it turns out, Sonya's essay was neither excellent not unique. Sometimes the best advice is that which is honest.

Good luck on your interview. You're gonna need it.
 
I am not the least bit impressed by your overzealous use of the word perjoratives. 😀 Especially since it is pejoratives. But you are right, the essay was neither excellent nor unique.
I think the advice given so far has been correct. Try to narrow the focus to some more meaningful events later in your life and expand upon their impact.
...good fix doc5
 
DOC05 was a little excessively harsh, but I don't think s/he was wrong. One thing that I've been told about essays is that you should be able to sum them up in one sentence. Some version of that sentence should be found in the introduction and the conclusion, and the body of the essay should be a support of that sentence. An essay gets a good personal touch to it when you take one event and flesh it out, turn it into a story.

I have a LOT of other interesting things about me for them to talk about in an interview.

But i did want to say something about how I benefited from having more time in college: particularly a I had time for a broad education and had more time to think about careers in the college environment.

You solve your own problem right here. You have interesting things that you want to talk about, so talk about them. I wouldn't try to gloss over the fact that you're a young college student; instead, you might talk about the advantages that gave you, how it took the pressure off you to finish your education in 4 years and allowed you to pursue a path that most gung-ho premeds wouldn't dream of taking.

You have all the materials for a good essay. You just tried to do too much with this draft, and it ended up watering your essay down to a lot of general, boring statements. For example, you say that you have an unusual upbringing, but then don't really leave yourself enough room to tell about how it was that much different from thousands of other kids.

Work on it, and try again. My biggest advice is to find a focus for the essay, just decide on one or two events to tell about and work with that.
 
Ur essay was extremely, painfully boring. Honestly if I was on an admissions commitee I would have stopped reading after the first paragraph.
 
You really should burn it and start over.

Keep in mind that most med school applicants tend to look similar on paper. Your goal is to stand out. Nothing in your essay/ childhood makes you stand out. Yes you should emphasize your education and what that did and how it shaped your future. The trick is to do this with finesse and not sound like some naive young applicant. Albeit, you may be too young and have missed out on a proper childhood to really have great life experiences or anything interesting to say. Does that sound harsh? The reason I say it is because that IS how people will look at you. They have it in your app, and your essay just reinforces it. Prove them otherwise if you are capable of it.

BTW, there are quite a few younger people in my med class (youngest at 19) and let me just say that while they are all nice, they are the dullest people of the bunch. No life experiences because they are programmed studiers. Hopefully, this isn't you. Realize that there is more to life than trying to get into med school, and make that stick out as well.
 
*achem*

if I may attempt to verbalize the consensus of the meeting, it appears, Sonja, that everyone thinks you need to get an interesting life. Perhaps, for instance

1. Walk down a dark alley and get a knife pulled on you and handle the situation cooly. Make sure you don't get your blouse dirty while single-handedly fending off 100 villains.
2. Hang out just outside a rough bar so that when someone get's stabbed, you can rush in and save them
3. Find some ailing family member and nurse them back to health
4. Go to Afghanistan and disarm landmines
5. Go to Nepal and meditate for six months, while breathing oxygen to prevent yourself from passing out
6. Lie about your age and enter a Mexican orphanage for a year. Preferably, you should save someone's life at least once while there
7. Have your parents dump you at the Ambasador Bridge in Detroit with ten dollars and no identification. Find your way back home.

...
I'm sure you can come up with plenty more.

[sarcasm off]
DUDES GIVE THE GIRL A BREAK!!! WHO THE F*CK WANTS AN INTERESTING LIFE -- THEY TEND TO BE QUITE PAINFUL, AGONIZING, AND NOT VERY MUCH FUN.

As far as your essay, Sonja, I'd start with the grand canyon story, and build the rest of the essay around a theme arising from it, e.g. how you put yourself in rigorous situations which force you to prepare well, and then capitalize on that preparation. The Grand Canyon story is strong.

One major weakness is you're discussion of how you're family formed you. If you're concerned about being taken as too young, you should be aware that most people applying to medical school aren't completely formed by their family situation. There are other things. So, I'd start with the grand canyon story, but then move away from describing your family and instead describe some things that you did independently.

Best of luck,
Anka
 
Hey Alleria

My grammer may not be perfect, but i sure the hell would be able to write a more interesting personal statement. Plus u can have people look over ur grammer and help u out with it, u can't have anyone help u and make ur life anymore interesting. Plus my last reply was written quickly because unlike some people I actually have a life and don't spend my nights analyzing people posts on some random premed message board.
 
it's not a bad autobio....a lot of the criticisms here are excessively harsh, so don't pay attention to them.
the english and grammer need to be corrected--sentences that don't flow, etc..
it needs to be reorganized a little--some parts don't seem to really flow into others...
i liked reading about your extracurricular adventures--i think the yosemite example was pretty interesting, and your love of knowledge shows in the extra classes you've taken...
tighten up the part about your college experiences..and how they come from your childhood ones.....
basically the whole thing needs to be trimmed and shaped a little, but the experiences you put out there are interesting, and i DON'T think this is a boring or run-of-the-mill autobiography...it is, after all, a unique life experience, so how can it really be run-of-the-mill?
overall, i liked reading it....
that's just my 2 cents....
but then again, i edit stuff for a living...
 
Hi Sonya,

You were in college classes in 5th grade? When you were 10 years old? That's amazing! You ought to emphasize that.
When I first read the essay that was the thing that grabbed me most. You must be some kind of genius, which may be a good thing!

But all that other stuff about your allowance and the Grand Canyon trip, that was long ago. Especially the allowance. Don't talk about that unless you can somehow make it relate to your present life in some way (like, "saving my allowance led me to become a wise investor, and I now own 1 million dollars worth of stock in Microsoft" or something).

About the Grand Canyon, that's fine. But can you make it relate to your present life more?

The important question is this: **What have you done lately?**
Except for the early college, your childhood sounds pretty normal. Maybe your parents did everything right to make you a morally good and well-educated person, but all of us applicants to med school are like that, more or less. And your chldhood was ten years ago! What have you done lately that distinguishes you from other applicants?

I don't know, maybe the essay question asks for you to describe your childhood, but in general that's not a good thing to write an essay on. You say you had a lot of medical experiences. If possible, I would suggest that you focus on them. The Admissions Committee is going to want to know how you know you really want to do medicine. Have you seen doctors at work? Have you seen them treat patients? What did you see, where, in what context? Have you seen surgeries? Physical exams? History-taking? Neurological exams?

I also wanted to hear more about the boy in the Detention Center. What was his crime? What were your responsibilities?

How about your research? Did you understand the research you were doing, or did you just do what your boss told you? What was the research about?

One other thing, did your parents immigrate here? Do you have an ethnic/cultural background that is different from the majority in the US? If the answer is yes, you might want to say it.
 
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