Can't Spend a Lot of Time with Friends?

[Algophiliac]

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I find that if I spend more than 3 or 4 hours doing social activities with a person or more than one person, these people/person tend to begin to get on my nerves to the point that I can't wait to get away from them. I've always been that way, since like age 3 or earlier!

Obviously, this does not extend to interactions with people in a professional setting, as long as there is a game plan to follow in the interactions. At least something, whether minor or not, has to get done, or I get restless and anxious and really feel like I'm wasting time chatting with these people.

Is anyone else like this by any chance? Will this impact my probable life as a doctor or professor/researcher?

 

[YouNeverKnow22]

social phobia?

 

[Algophiliac]

social phobia?

No, I just really begin to feel like I'm wasting time. Not study time, but just me time. Time I could be spending actually enjoying myself, you know? After 3 or 4 hours (if not immediately with some friends, lol), I get insanely bored and feel like I'm faking enjoying their company.

Everyone else is laughing and enjoying their time, but I'm bored and can't wait to get home and do something fun on my own.

 

[Algophiliac]

good luck getting married. or a girlfriend, for that matter.

I've had a few short-term girlfriends, but you're right about the good luck getting married bit. Maybe there's someone out there who needs as much space as I do.

But regardless, that wasn't what I was asking about. Thanks anyway?

 

[rockaction]

If you hate people, it's hard to see why you'll be entering the field where you see people in their worst frames of mind possible. If you can't stand small-talk with friends how on earth are you going to survive being a doctor and dealing with colleagues and patients?

 

[Algophiliac]

If you hate people, it's hard to see why you'll be entering the field where you see people in their worst frames of mind possible. If you can't stand small-talk with friends how on earth are you going to survive being a doctor and dealing with colleagues and patients?

Where on earth did I say I hate people? I just said I get bored spending a lot of pointless time with them! Saving lives does not = pointless for me.

 

[still h0ping]

Hmmm, that sometimes happens, but it's usually only after spending 10-12 hours with that person, instead of 3-4.. and it's ususally I'm not thinking about having fun alone, just need a little peace with myself and have something to do that's more serious. I don't really think it's social phobia, it just might be you're not as extroverted as others, and are inclined to intorversion. But if that's affecting your intimate relationships, maybe you should look into it more.

 

[FloatOn]

No, I just really begin to feel like I'm wasting time. Not study time, but just me time. Time I could be spending actually enjoying myself, you know? After 3 or 4 hours (if not immediately with some friends, lol), I get insanely bored and feel like I'm faking enjoying their company.

Everyone else is laughing and enjoying their time, but I'm bored and can't wait to get home and do something fun on my own.

I love me-time too, but not to that extent.

Wait, I don't get it. So you've never had genuine, completely unproductive, lazying-around, talking-about-random-**** fun past 4 hours EVER with your friends? This is very fascinating to me.

 

[zetabetazeta]

Hmm..I barely have time to be with my friends since either they are busy (most of them have a bf/gf) or I am busy (with random stuff). So..once we have time to get together, we usually have a good time..😀

Well, you said you get bored with them sometimes. I truly hope it doesn't happen to you very often. 🙂

 

[mouthwash4hobo]

maybe you haven't found the right friends. some of mine i can chat with them for hours, however i don't want to see them all the time. actually i'll talk with my friends about once or twice a week and hang out with them a few times a month. you're probably an introvert so you easily get drained being around people for too long. well that's me. i need thinking/planning/exercise/etc time for myself otherwise i feel like a mess! hope that helps.

 

[TheMightySmiter]

This isn't a phobia or an anxiety, it's just introversion. There aren't that many people that I personally can stand to be around for more than a few hours at a time, because being around people wears me out. I have to take breaks. Often I think about what I could be doing by myself that would be more fun, haha. So I understand what you mean. It's a personality type thing and nothing more.

Of course, for happiness' sake, you probably should seek at least some friends that tend towards introversion. They'll understand your needs to be alone far more than extroverted friends. I know that I always have trouble explaining to my extroverted friends why I just want to stay in, or why I leave a party early or something. It's just hard to understand if you aren't an introvert.

 

[medactar]

No, I just really begin to feel like I'm wasting time. Not study time, but just me time. Time I could be spending actually enjoying myself, you know? After 3 or 4 hours (if not immediately with some friends, lol), I get insanely bored and feel like I'm faking enjoying their company.

Everyone else is laughing and enjoying their time, but I'm bored and can't wait to get home and do something fun on my own.

Maybe you could do things of interest with your friends... not just sit around and chit chat. Don't most people get bored of doing nothing after 3 hours?

Do some meaningful things with your friends and see if you still want to get away from them. Then work from there.

 

[BRRF]

I think I'm very much like you actually. It's just a preference for doing things on my own. You have your own freedom.
When I'm with other people, I feel like I have to talk. Often we talk about things that aren't particularly interesting to me. Wouldn't I prefer doing something else then?

I'd just like to counter what someone said about this disqualifying me from practicing medicine. Or at least making me less suited. Being a doctor isn't a social undertaking in the same way as going out with friends is. I am not immune to the desire to see another person happier and healthier. Nor do I lack empathy for every single other human being out there. I absolutely love the idea of being able to heal someone or help alleviate pain.

Lastly, I don't think you'll have problems with women/family. Again, this is very different from socializing with friends. I love a girl with all my heart. Sometimes she can be talking about the most boring thing ever, (eg I got 3 new tops today, a pair of jeans and a skirt) but coming from her it just seems all different. I also very strongly look forward to having children and trying to raise them to the best of my ability even though I'm sure it's not terribly exciting conversing with an 8 year old. See my point?

 

[CaliGirl14]

Gosh, and I thought I was the only one who thought that way! I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks people's company for more than a couple of hours is a waste of time. I normally fake my happiness anyway.

 

[rockaction]

Where on earth did I say I hate people? I just said I get bored spending a lot of pointless time with them! Saving lives does not = pointless for me.

sure, "hate" may be a very strong word, but seriously you're not very social and you're entering a very social profession. I think this would be problematic in your profession, especially in research. because if you come off as cold to your colleagues stuff won't get done.

medicine isn't just "saving lives"...let's be realistic here

I get the jist that you think you're smarter and better than your "friends". I don't think that's healthy. I like my "me" time too but to go through life alone and without strong relationships is easily the most depressing thing I've ever heard of. work on this, OP.

 

[stephster416]

I don't think the OP will have particular problems with medicine. I've also felt that way around friends sometimes as well. If we're out, or doing a particular activity or something, then it's different. But if we're just sitting around chatting, after 3 or 4 hours I definitely start to get antsy, and that's just my personality type. In medicine, you won't be spending 3-4 hours with a single patient. You'll be seeing lots of patients for much shorter periods of time, which is really different then sitting around chatting about random things for hours. Also, I live with my SO, and have no problems spending longer periods of time with him. If you had serious social problems, you'd probably get sick of hanging out with people a lot faster than in 3 hours! Seriously - don't worry about it.

 

[Algophiliac]

sure, "hate" may be a very strong word, but seriously you're not very social and you're entering a very social profession. I think this would be problematic in your profession, especially in research. because if you come off as cold to your colleagues stuff won't get done.

I don't come off as cold to anyone...who do you take me for, Professor Snape?! 😛

As I said, I fake my happiness, but I am ALWAYS genuinely polite...merely bored. There's a huge difference between coming off cold and merely not having a good time and wishing I were elsewhere.

medicine isn't just "saving lives"...let's be realistic here

I get the jist that you think you're smarter and better than your "friends". I don't think that's healthy. I like my "me" time too but to go through life alone and without strong relationships is easily the most depressing thing I've ever heard of. work on this, OP.

And where on earth did I say I was smarter or better than my friends? I'm not! Many of them get way higher grades than me, but I'm the kind of person who likes alone and quite time, philosophical thinking, just...me time!

Work on this how exactly? I can't make situations feel more interesting to me if they are not.

To those of you saying to spend meaningful time with my friends instead of just chatting...it doesn't really matter what we end up doing, because most social activities are not exactly meaningful. In fact, some of the most meaningful activities where I did occasionally find myself not bored within 3 or 4 hours involved nothing but serious, in-depth, philosophical chats...but everyone knows how rare those are these days.

BRRF, I think you're the only one so far who really understands what I mean. 🙂 Thanks for actually answering the questions I asked, as well!

 

[FloatOn]

Even if you do have to fake it, if you can get along fine with your future colleagues and patients, I don't see this affecting your career. However, I think it will affect your personal life, and those problems have a high potential of seeping into your professional life.

 

[riverjib]

I find that if I spend more than 3 or 4 hours doing social activities with a person or more than one person, these people/person tend to begin to get on my nerves to the point that I can't wait to get away from them. I've always been that way, since like age 3 or earlier!

Obviously, this does not extend to interactions with people in a professional setting, as long as there is a game plan to follow in the interactions. At least something, whether minor or not, has to get done, or I get restless and anxious and really feel like I'm wasting time chatting with these people.

Is anyone else like this by any chance? Will this impact my probable life as a doctor or professor/researcher?

Maybe you should look into a career in research instead of clinical medicine or professorship. Quite honestly, you'll have to learn to interact with people in research, but you can devote more time to your work than you do to personal interactions. If you can deal with colleagues in a professional setting, you'll be fine. But it sounds like clinical medicine is NOT where you belong. If for some strange reason (despite being aggravated by people) you still need the "MD" behind your name, just go for something that doesn't require patient contact, like bench research or pathology.

 

[Narmerguy]

You'll be fine as a physician (other application stuff notwithstanding). You don't have to love talking to people for long hours to be a doctor. Some people tend more towards privacy and want to share their time with only a few people. My GF is that way, I'm not. But I can understand it and it doesn't make you any less capable of being an excellent doctor.

 

[Algophiliac]

riverjib, I love working with patients in a clinical setting...at least I do as far as I can tell from shadowing and volunteering experiences, which I admit are minimal methods of determining a potential aptitude or adoration for a particular specialty. However, I am worried I will find LACK of patient interaction (in specialties such as pathology and radiology) to be exceedingly boring for me. I like interacting with patients--but in a controlled environment with a goal in mind--to heal them! I don't want to chat all day with patients about pointless topics...that's not how I see medicine, nor what it should incorporate anyway. So what's the problem with clinical medicine for me? Can it really affect me somehow? If so, please explain how and how I might try and fix such an issue.

Best way I can explain it for those of you who still don't get it is that it's like having family over for a week or something! You enjoy them there--although there are times you have to fake the happiness and laugh because everyone else is chortling--but at the end of the week, you REALLY need them gone! 😛 Any ideas of what I'm saying now?

 

[riverjib]

riverjib, I love working with patients in a clinical setting...at least I do as far as I can tell from shadowing and volunteering experiences, which I admit are minimal methods of determining a potential aptitude or adoration for a particular specialty. However, I am worried I will find LACK of patient interaction (in specialties such as pathology and radiology) to be exceedingly boring for me. I like interacting with patients--but in a controlled environment with a goal in mind--to heal them! I don't want to chat all day with patients about pointless topics...that's not how I see medicine, nor what it should incorporate anyway. So what's the problem with clinical medicine for me? Can it really affect me somehow? If so, please explain how and how I might try and fix such an issue.

Best way I can explain it for those of you who still don't get it is that it's like having family over for a week or something! You enjoy them there--although there are times you have to fake the happiness and laugh because everyone else is chortling--but at the end of the week, you REALLY need them gone! 😛 Any ideas of what I'm saying now?

That's entirely different from being antisocial. If that's true, clinical medicine is for you. As a physician, you only have a few minutes (realistically) to figure out what's clinically significant. Hell, nurses don't have time to chat all day with patients--they have a job to do, too.

But here's a word of caution. Don't go into medicine if you don't enjoy (or see the point of) talking to patients, period. Asking the right questions and listening just 30 seconds beyond the point where you're bored may clue you into something crucial you might have ignored. The trick is to hone how you ask questions and how you listen to the answers, without tuning your patient out when they drone on about irrelevant things. Listen enough to change the conversation and ask the RIGHT questions.

I hope I develop this skill. I'm not a fan of chatting all day, and it's not a productive use of a clinician's time. The best thing you can learn is to curtail unnecessary conversation, and to cue in to what matters.

Still, if you're completely irritated by inane conversation, you might be best suited to critical care, anesthesiology, surgery, and specialties that require you to be attuned to your patients without developing the relationship that an internist, oncologist, or long-term care physician should.

 

[Bernoull]

I'll suggest some alcohol at the 3hr mark...

 

[still h0ping]

Hmm.. I think it's time you stop reading posts that say medicine isn't for you if you have these traits.. Relax, I think it's completely normal - and it's just a difference in personality. I think the feelings you're describing are pretty common for introverted individuals (I sort of am myself), and feeling like you need a break after chatting with someone after 3-4 hours is not that unusual. It sort of just drains your energy, and start feeling unmotivated to keep up with whatever your friends are engaged in. I'm actually kind of surprised there aren't more premeds or med students who feel the same way... Anyway, I don't think this would have any effect on the patient interaction, you wouldn't be feeling like you're engaging in idle chatter anyway. Perhaps, something I'd suggest is finding friends who aren't too obnoxious, or could relate to you more.. good luck!

 

[RevMD]

Hmm.. I think it's time you stop reading posts that say medicine isn't for you if you have these traits.. Relax, I think it's completely normal - and it's just a difference in personality. I think the feelings you're describing are pretty common for introverted individuals (I sort of am myself), and feeling like you need a break after chatting with someone after 3-4 hours is not that unusual. It sort of just drains your energy, and start feeling unmotivated to keep up with whatever your friends are engaged in. I'm actually kind of surprised there aren't more premeds or med students who feel the same way... Anyway, I don't think this would have any effect on the patient interaction, you wouldn't be feeling like you're engaging in idle chatter anyway. Perhaps, something I'd suggest is finding friends who aren't too obnoxious, or could relate to you more.. good luck!

Agreed. I am kind of an introvert myself as well. It is probably just the constant need to be doing something productive rather than just pass time away. I mean, sometimes we get those weeks during the semester where we have no exams or major assignment due that week. There is only so much hanging out with friends you can do during those days without feeling like your time might be better spent studying for something due next week. Just find a balance with which friends you hang out with and what activities you do with them. Usually most of my social time is spent with people while at a volunteering event or in a study group that maintains this balance of getting some work done while enjoying myself in the company of others.

 

[Algophiliac]

Agreed. I am kind of an introvert myself as well. It is probably just the constant need to be doing something productive rather than just pass time away. I mean, sometimes we get those weeks during the semester where we have no exams or major assignment due that week. There is only so much hanging out with friends you can do during those days without feeling like your time might be better spent studying for something due next week. Just find a balance with which friends you hang out with and what activities you do with them. Usually most of my social time is spent with people while at a volunteering event or in a study group that maintains this balance of getting some work done while enjoying myself in the company of others.

Thanks for the replies, everyone!!

It's not even so much a need to be doing something productive, but rather something more immediately interesting to me (which sometimes honestly is just studying...cause I love learning, too, actually). I do love hanging out with friends--honestly!!--but after 3 or 4 hours of doing what they want (although obviously sometimes it's what I want, compromises are usually always involved), I'm ready to set my own pace and my own schedule and structure my own free time and entertainment--I'm just ready to take a break from being in ON mode all those hours!

still h0ping, I wouldn't be feeling like I was engaging in idle chatter with the patients, because I'd be focused the entire time, trying to determine what is really going on in the patients' minds and bodies from what they detail in their histories and other conversations and physical interactions with others. The meetings between a physician and patient are structured with an explicit goal in mind--to diagnose and treat the patient. I HIGHLY doubt any circumstance in a hospital or out of it for a physician will involve idle chatter for anywhere near 3 or 4 hours. I can handle chatting for longer, but I can't handle idle chatting for longer. I hope that makes sense?

 

[BlitzSleep]

Thanks for the replies, everyone!!

It's not even so much a need to be doing something productive, but rather something more immediately interesting to me (which sometimes honestly is just studying...cause I love learning, too, actually). I do love hanging out with friends--honestly!!--but after 3 or 4 hours of doing what they want (although obviously sometimes it's what I want, compromises are usually always involved), I'm ready to set my own pace and my own schedule and structure my own free time and entertainment--I'm just ready to take a break from being in ON mode all those hours!

Dude, we are mental twins. I definitely know what you mean. You're probably a control freak like me as well, am I right? lol. The best thing to do is meet new people and find someone with the same interests as you. Also another thing that is good to do is dating. When I ask a girl out on a date I always choose the day, time, activity, and most of the time the conversation.

 

[Myuu]

Dude, we are mental twins. I definitely know what you mean. You're probably a control freak like me as well, am I right? lol. The best thing to do is meet new people and find someone with the same interests as you. Also another thing that is good to do is dating. When I ask a girl out on a date I always choose the day, time, activity, and most of the time the conversation.

. . .

Yeah, I bet that goes over really, really well...

 

[Algophiliac]

Dude, we are mental twins. I definitely know what you mean. You're probably a control freak like me as well, am I right? lol. The best thing to do is meet new people and find someone with the same interests as you. Also another thing that is good to do is dating. When I ask a girl out on a date I always choose the day, time, activity, and most of the time the conversation.

You're absolutely right, except that I don't need to control what others do, but prefer to have complete control over my own actions and environment. Basically, I just want the freedom to be able to actually do what I want to do!

While at one point unstructured situations in which I was socially forced to compromise my desires caused me anxiety, this is definitely no longer the case. And it actually hasn't been the case for a while. So I don't really think the problem is control issues anymore, but I may be wrong?

However, I still find too much time spent with others to eventually cause boredom, mostly because we engage in activities or conversations that hold no marginal interest for me. Obviously I don't try to control the conversation or be a pain in the ass about only engaging in activities I want to do, so boredom ultimately creeps in. And even when it doesn't, I begin to feel guilty about wasting potential productive time having fun--or not having fun.

Hanging out just to hang out...almost doesn't make sense to me. 😕

 

[BlitzSleep]

Yeah, I bet that goes over really, really well...

For me it does. I'm not attracted to controlling girls. Everyone is different though.

except that I don't need to control what others do,

Yeah you do, not in an extreme sense though. By bringing up a change in topic in a conversation you are, in a sense, controlling what the other person is doing. If you don't have control over what you do (i.e. doing something that you don't really want to do), they are controlling you. So you are controlling or you are controlled.

You shouldn't have to compromise in a friendship, save that for your marriage.

While at one point unstructured situations in which I was socially forced to compromise my desires caused me anxiety, this is definitely no longer the case. And it actually hasn't been the case for a while. So I don't really think the problem is control issues anymore, but I may be wrong?

From what I gather from your posts, I think it is because of control issues or should I say lack of control issues 😛.

However, I still find too much time spent with others to eventually cause boredom, mostly because we engage in activities or conversations that hold no marginal interest for me

Well of course spending a lot of time doing activities that you don't like is going to lead to boredom. I don't see how you can stand that lol

 

[YouNeverKnow22]

You're absolutely right, except that I don't need to control what others do, but prefer to have complete control over my own actions and environment. Basically, I just want the freedom to be able to actually do what I want to do!

While at one point unstructured situations in which I was socially forced to compromise my desires caused me anxiety, this is definitely no longer the case. And it actually hasn't been the case for a while. So I don't really think the problem is control issues anymore, but I may be wrong?

However, I still find too much time spent with others to eventually cause boredom, mostly because we engage in activities or conversations that hold no marginal interest for me. Obviously I don't try to control the conversation or be a pain in the ass about only engaging in activities I want to do, so boredom ultimately creeps in. And even when it doesn't, I begin to feel guilty about wasting potential productive time having fun--or not having fun.

Hanging out just to hang out...almost doesn't make sense to me. 😕

you obviously don't know how to bro out, bro.

 

[scapermoya]

yeah brah, what frat let you in?

just kidding. i'm kinda the same way, but a recent group of friends has really brought me out of my shell. i am very outgoing in public (in lecture, etc.), but tend to be more reserved in close personal settings (backwards, no?). this group is very laid back. they love to have fun (much more than I ever can </bitter>), but most are smart as **** too.

you just have to find the right crew.

 

[Algophiliac]

yeah brah, what frat let you in?

just kidding. i'm kinda the same way, but a recent group of friends has really brought me out of my shell. i am very outgoing in public (in lecture, etc.), but tend to be more reserved in close personal settings (backwards, no?). this group is very laid back. they love to have fun (much more than I ever can </bitter>), but most are smart as **** too.

you just have to find the right crew.

How do I go about doing that, precisely?

I always end up either with the study nerds in the library, whose ideas of fun are going out to eat, heading to the nearest boring entertainment centers (such as the mall, movie theaters, etc), or studying in study groups together. 🙄 While all of these are fun and can be a huge plus after long days of studying, ONLY doing these things all the time gets insanely boring. 🙁 And since I study better alone, I don't want to waste time "studying" in study groups (would rather waste it doing something that is ACTUALLY fun...which never really ends up happening with me, unfortunately).

OR I end up with the intense video gamers. While I love gaming, too much of it in a crowded dorm with cheap beer to go around just...isn't my thing. Not to mention I don't really get a chance to play anything for too long, because there are so many goddamn people packed in that goddamn dorm room.

*sighs*

What makes it worse is that I am a very private person...not necessarily shy or anti-social, just really private. I don't like people knowing everything about my business, and get irritated (but don't show it!) when people ask way too many questions about my grades, plans, living arrangements for next year, and etc. Hopefully that's not a personality trait an MD can't have!

 

[scapermoya]

How do I go about doing that, precisely?


What makes it worse is that I am a very private person...not necessarily shy or anti-social, just really private. I don't like people knowing everything about my business, and get irritated (but don't show it!) when people ask way too many questions about my grades, plans, living arrangements for next year, and etc. Hopefully that's not a personality trait an MD can't have!

i know what you mean. that was my problem for a long time too.

i don't hang out much with people who only study. i find that they can be just as shallow as a sorority girl, and not nearly as nice to look at. i guess the biggest thing for me was finding a diverse group. that way, any time i get bored with one 'type', there's always someone else around to focus on for a while.

in my group of friends there are stoners, artists, bioengineering majors, neuroscience majors, environmental, rhetoric.... there's no pattern in terms of what we study. what brings us together is that we all love the other things in life (cooking, the outdoors, talking about how friggin' awesome the future is going to be, etc.)

to be fair, there's no formula. i know that most of the people i consider myself to be close with I won't really keep up a strong connection with 5 years down the road. i have just realized that, in the short term, it's better to have people around who you can connect with and who don't pass too much judgment or make you uncomfortable.

i only have a handful of people i have 'collected' in my life who I expect to be long-term friends with, and I feel blessed.

get out there!

 

[still h0ping]

still h0ping, I wouldn't be feeling like I was engaging in idle chatter with the patients, because I'd be focused the entire time, trying to determine what is really going on in the patients' minds and bodies from what they detail in their histories and other conversations and physical interactions with others. The meetings between a physician and patient are structured with an explicit goal in mind--to diagnose and treat the patient. I HIGHLY doubt any circumstance in a hospital or out of it for a physician will involve idle chatter for anywhere near 3 or 4 hours. I can handle chatting for longer, but I can't handle idle chatting for longer. I hope that makes sense?

That's exactly the point I was trying to get across when I said that. I was saying that these conversations wouldn't be trivial, and you would be interacting for something that is much more meaningful and important for both of you. When you have the feeling that you're doing something productive, you're likely to be much more interested in it. Anyway, I was agreeing with you, not attacking you. 😛