I don't at all think I'm competing with people directly, I'm very non-zero sum minded. One example: I regularly defer pimping questions in the company of colleagues when we're together so we get equal opportunities to shine, allowing a 50/50 split in answering questions. I don't do all of the "to-do's" without first talking with my colleagues and seeing what they prefer to tackle.
I'm aware that if someone does what I am doing + more they deserve a higher grade. That's what I mean by the competition comment; it's an indirect competition. For example: If I was scoring passing marks and I attended a class of 1, then I wouldn't have this problem, because I would be doing everything required of me and then some. But when you put a student who is pretty satisfied with his/her own performance in the broader context of living a good life [me] in the same evaluative zone as others who are obviously and publicly striving for improvement and sacrificing well being for this, it seems like that may be the difference? Even though our outcomes are identical, that being patient satisfaction and high standard of care.
I'm a bit in a bind mentally here because I'm doing everything I should that makes me a good/above average medical student per oral feedback, but I'm scoring passes per the grading, and I'm being made aware that generally there is an unwritten understanding by recruiters that "pass = poor student performance" even when that is by no means the case. So what I'm worried about is having a PD think I'm some sort of gamble even though I'm about as well rounded as they come both personally and as an applicant, or at least that's how I perceive myself to be.
I appreciate all your feedback. It is frustrating and pretty broken that this part of medical education and the path towards physician-ship is based on something that is as arbitrary as letter grades stacked on someone's desk; all the while being compared to people who are potentially living less balanced, more chaotic lives. To me this tiered grading structure coupled to a residency selection process which is overflowing with applicants inspires self-esteem based on comparison to others which is the seed for self-indulgence, and this shift in mindset is something I need to decide whether or not an esteemed program is worth. I also need to think about the question of "if I can, should I?" and I want to continue making sure that that particular teeter-totter remains balanced, avoiding overworking and underworking, and ultimately-- at what cost? Thanks for adding your input.