Complex family issues, and med school probs

[NotAProgDirector]

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Hi everybody,

First of all, I'm new here and I wanted to thank you guys in advance for all your responses.

Where to begin...LOL
Currently, I'm a 3rd year D.O. student on a leave of absence (started just last month) because my clerkship rotations were beginning to become too stressful for me (12-15 hour days), while trying to research and memorize "pimp" questions for the next day, prepare meals, household errands, and trying to study for the COMLEX Level 1 all within 3 hours while trying to get 7-8 hours of sleep. I lost 15 lbs in 3-4 weeks because of the stress.

I had to study for the COMLEX again because I failed by barely 20 pts (380 out of 400). Eventually the stressful schedule became too much and my advisor and I agreed it would be better to prepare and study without the pressure of clerkship by taking a year off.

Besides this academic pressure, I have family pressures where my single parent mother was previously diagnosed with stage 3 lung sarcoidosis and was forced into disability retirement with 1/3 of her salary. I currently live with my mother to help her with household errands since they can become too exhausting for her. (All of my other relatives live too far away to help her.)

In addition, I have to monitor my grandmother's (my father's mother) finances and well-being at a retirement community with her being 85 years old. She is able to drive, maintain her finances, etc. but she lives by herself with no one to watch over her. As for my father, using the terms "anti-social personality disorder" and "sociopath" are accurate because despite having a successful 6 figure salary he still involves himself with people who are able to avoid the law (i.e. drugs, etc.) His mentality goes so far that he tried to take his own mother into court to question her own mental competency just so he could have access to his mother's money/accounts. He also physically and mentally abused my mother and I when my parents were both married, which made me mature and grow up FAST. Although I have mentally gotten over that past, he still methodically tries to find ways to satisfy his own personal self by pretending to be sorry and remorseful to his mother for what he did, just so he can indirectly make me stressed and concerned about my grandmother. Despite telling my grandmother to sign a will, she hasn't done it yet and I worry about a massive lawsuit between my father and I when it comes to not only the finances but also the medical decisions.

Currently now I feel that medical school, especially clerkship has left me weary and exhausted. Although I did well in my subjects in pre-clerkship (averaging about mid-80%) during the first 2 years in med school, it seemed like everything started crashing and I became overstressed with respiratory and cardio (the last semester of pre-clerkship). I wasn't able to study for the COMLEX too much (school only gave us 1 month off) despite attempting several study methods even a year ago, but only finding one that somewhat worked just 1.5 months before the COMLEX.

Anyways my mind feels burned out and reached a "point of no return" where it doesn't want to do ANYTHING with medicine. I wouldn't say its laziness, because I have been helping my mother with household errands and repairs that have been postponed for years but my brain just feels too "beaten up" because of the exhaustive amount of hundreds of drugs, pathologies, and dysfunctions to remember. The memorizing aspect is the worst because sometimes there's no other way to know except to use rote memorization.

I'm starting to seriously question if I want to go into med school, or if I can handle it when I'm already feeling exhausted in clerkship (and haven't even experienced surgery or OBGYN yet) and with my family concerns. The reason I was able to handle pre-clerkship decently was because it was a casual classroom environment, the class schedule was flexible, and the lectures were even optional (could be viewed online, but I attended 85% of the classes.) I'm currently talking with a psychologist about it, but it's been going rather slowly.

Whenever I start doing practice COMLEX questions (during a 3-4 hour time period), my mind feels so claustrophobic and my mind feels so trapped. It reminds me of the times during pre-clerkship when after doing all of my medical school studying, I would have to do household errands, and after that help out my mother or check on my grandmother. I just feel this overbearing emotion and anxiety of having to excel in med school, while maintaining myself and supporting my mother and grandmother. At times, I feel guilty when my med school studying overtakes helping my mother and grandmother out. Due to this my social life has been somewhat non-existent, being able to see my friends at most once every 1-2 months. It's also hard to really explain this situation since most of my classmates have very supportive families and are very financially secure. They would often invite me beforehand, but I vaguely said I couldn't and probably assumed that I didn't want to associate myself with them.

I really love medicine, was always interested in it and biology when I was a middle school student, and prepared for a career in medicine since high school. Yet with my anxiety issues from both med school and family....I'm seriously questioning if choosing med school was A LOT more than what I thought I could handle.

I just feel with the responsibilities I have (in helping my mother and grandmother), and the time-consuming and high standards of med school that my personality/individuality is non-existent; that I am only useful in what I can complete or do. With that said I'm probably depressed, but with my air-tight schedule so consumed in studying, long hours in the hospital, and family responsibility...I feel that my mind is screaming for something more in life. Furthermore, my sleeping is worse where even if I have a full 9 hours of sleep, I still feel exhausted and have to take a 2 hour nap in the afternoon.

Should I continue med school? Should I retake the COMLEX and then see if med school is right for me? Was med school more than what I could handle? I wanted to ask other physicians, professors, and classmates about their personal hardships and experiences with med school but as you know, the medical community talks around and the last thing I need is to spread about me questioning med school.

Phew!...Thanks again for your responses, all of your opinions on this matter, and for reading this LONG story. It means a lot more than you know!

I don't have a lot of advice for you. If you need 8+ hours of sleep per day, you're going to find most fields of medicine difficult. Also, remember that simply passing the COMLEX shouldn't be your goal -- the better you do on it, the more options for residency you will have.

 

[shopsteward]

Just from the way your post is written, you sound like a hamster trying to run round several different rings at the same time. I'll deal with each of your issues in turn. Please remember as you read this that it is free, unqualified and anonymous advice given over the internet, and is worth exactly as much as you have paid for it.

Family
I am sorry your mother is ill. You need to work out what is the most valuable time you can spend with her. That doesn't mean you have to do everything for her. For instance, you say "I have been helping my mother with household errands and repairs that have been postponed for years". Frankly, just about any household errand and repair that has been postponed for years can be postponed for a few more years. You do not suddenly need to make everything about her house and her life perfect: she and you both have other priorities.

You say that your grandmother lives independently, drives a car, manages her finances and has seen off an attempt by her son to have her declared incompetent. To me, your grandmother sounds like a grown woman who is dealing well with life. She does not need her granddaughter to "watch over her". So stop doing it. She is not your dependent or your responsibility.

Your father was an ******* in the past, he is still an *******, The fact that he abused your mother in a marriage that is long over is irrelevant to your current situation. The amount he earns, and the possibility that he might inherit money from his mother is irrelevant to your current situation. Ignore him and all he does.

As long as your grandmother is competent and solvent, her finances are no concern of yours. There is absolutely no need for you to get into any sort of lawsuit over them, whatever happens. You have no right to inherit anything from her, and who she leaves it to, and whether or not she signs a will, is no business of yours.

If your grandmother wanted you to make decisions regarding her health, she would make it possible for you to do so. If she hasn't done that, it's because she doesn't want you to. You need to accept that. And there may never be any need for anyone to make those decisions for her, so don't borrow trouble over it.

Med school
If you have been averaging mid-80% for the first two years of med school, you have all the ability you need to handle its intellectual demands and do well on COMLEX. The only two things you need to do are to work out whether it is still what you want (this is an entirely separate question from whether you are capable of it), and, if you do, get yourself into a physical and mental state in which you can give it the time and concentration it needs.

For the time being, while you are getting back to a state in which you can productively go back to med school, keep in touch with the med school and make sure you understand the terms of your leave of absence and how and when you can return.

Conclusion
My (completely medically unqualified) view is that you need to deal with the family baggage that has caught up with you, and the consequences of that for your health. If your sessions with the psychologist are going too slowly, you might consider adding some (medically advised and prescribed) better living through chemistry. In my (again unqualified) view your tiredness, sleep issues and concentration issues all probably relate to this, and if you solve it you will be in a fit state to carry on with med school.

Don't let yourself get trapped in the sexist, disciminatory, "good girl" trope of thinking you have to do everything for everyone else and end up with nothing for yourself except a lot of student debt and no career. A man in your situation wouldn't be in your situation.

Use your leave of absence from med school to get your head on straight, to start seeing friends and having a life outside family and work, and to carry on working out which study methods work best for you. Then, if you want to, go back to med school, kill the COMLEX and be a happy, qualified, DO.

Good luck.

 

[peppy]

At times, I feel guilty when my med school studying overtakes helping my mother and grandmother out. Due to this my social life has been somewhat non-existent, being able to see my friends at most once every 1-2 months

I think this is really the core issue. You really have nothing to feel guilty about. It is healthy and normal for you to want to build a life and career for yourself. It's okay to be a little selfish when you're trying to deal with something as demanding as med school. Anyone would be exhausted trying to deal with med school AND be primary caregiver to two adults.

Maybe it would help you to make time for your med school demands if you think of it this way: You will be in a better position to help your family later on down the road if you can secure a stable future for yourself. The knowledge you'll gain from medicine and financial security you'll have as a doctor will be very valuable in a few years. Do what you have to do to help yourself get to your goals. Your grandmother and your mom are adults and it doesn't sound like either of them is cognitively impaired - they should be able to handle things without you having to do everything for them. Focus on quality time with them instead of quantity of time.