Complicated, horrible break up

[mslinzyann]

My boyfriend and I were together for 4 years. In this time he decided he wanted to go to med school. Initially I was skeptical (I really wasn't sure if that was what he wanted, or if I wanted to be with a med student) but after time I decided that if it was his dream, I wanted to support time. In my love for him, I felt I could make it work.

Over Thanksgiving break he told me he'd been wanting to break up with me. A lot of his reasoning was that he wanted to go to med school and I didn't support him. He also was upset because I was acting depressed, not working out, not doing to class, ect. We decided I needed to step it up, and we'd see it through into the new year, just to see how things go.

Tonight I went on his facebook (I know, it was wrong. But he'd been acting so odd....texting so much, ect.) and he was chatting with a friend of his. She asked him "oh, too busy having sex w/ mslinzyann?" To which he replied "No I managed to avoid that"....
I saw red, of course, and called him. He came over and broke up with me, citing my weight, my depression, my dependence on him...of this things. I'm SO heartbroken. We've had so many good times together....taken vacations, grown close to each others families, and made so many plans for the future. I can't figure out why he wants to throw all of that away.

Have any of you left long term relationships? Were you ever able to be friends with that person again? How did you cope? I'm crying my eyes out and feeling so alone and so lost. I just want to go home and be with my familiy. Part of desperatley wants him back, but another part of me thinks this may be for the best....

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[HawkeyePostOp]

Honestly, just lose the weight. You'll either get him back or get someone better than him as payback.

If he actually said it's because of your weight, he sounds a little tactless and you might not want that kinda guy. Most guys would say it's because you don't have enough in common, or some less offensive excuse.

 

[xanthines]

A "little" tactless? He was a total jerk!

You two have been together for quite awhile. It's understandable that you're very upset (a total understatement, I'm sure). However, I'm curious if the weight, depression, etc are really his motivations. It seems like he would ahve said something sooner, rather than breaking up with you. Is he already in med school? I've seen more couples break up in the first year of med school than I'd like. It seems like once they get there, they feel entitled to "move up" or get rid of the starter wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend. I've witnessed people quit their jobs only to be dumped two months after school started!

I've never broken up with someone after that long of a period, but I feel like being "just friends" isn't going to happen. At least not anytime soon. You can't really force him to come back, but you can change his mind by losing weight (if you feel that's a significant factor) and dealing with your "little D" depression. Your profile says you're a psychology student, so hopefully you know what that means. Excercising would probably make you feel better by itself, by virtue of being healthy and whole again.

Also, lean on your friends and family for support. Just talking it out and crying to someone about it can go pretty far.

Good luck and keep your chin up!

-X

 

[LadyMoreta]

Ouch - I'm so sorry. Would going back to your parents be reasonable? (Meaning, if you're in college, could you transfer to their city? Or if you have a job, could you get another one where they live?) It sounds like you are needing the emotional support they could give you right now. I hate to think of you feeling so alone if you could be with them.

I woudln't recommend trying to get back with your ex-bf. People handle medical school really differently. If he's the type to need to focus 100% on it, it's probably best for you that he broke up now, even though it hurts. Being in a relationship during medical school takes commitment and sacrifices from both the student and the SO, and it wouldn't be fair of him to string you along if he wasn't able to contribute to the relationship. He certainly could have handled it in a much better way, but it took some guts for him to go ahead and do what he felt he needed to do. If you pressure him to get back together, he might not be able to resist again, and you would end up putting more years into a relationship that he doesn't want. Remember, dating isn't a permanent commitment like marriage (hopefully) is. He wasn't the one, so you can move on to someone who will treat you like the wonderful woman you are. It doesn't mean that you or he is a bad person; you just weren't a match.

This might also be a good time for you to talk with a therapist. If you are suffering from depression, it could help you with that. Anything that helps you become more emotionally healthy will put you in a better place to be ready for your next relationship, although you should definitely wait awhile before getting involved. This is a loss, and you need to take time to mourn it.

 

[Bruingirl6]

You do not want to be with somone who doesn't want to be with you if your body changes. You can't go through life worrying about everything that you eat.
You need to go see a doctor to get your depression treated. Then you need to lose the weight. The best revenge is looking fabulous. Don't lose the wt to get him back; lose it to feel better about yourself. You'll find that you'll attract some great new people as your self-esteem improves.

 

[snicket]

Don't get back with this crappy guy.

Do you honestly want to be with someone who doesn't love you enough to love you unconditionally, even with weight gain AND the big D?

The person who will be right for you will stay with you and work with you to help you lose weight (for the sake of your health of course) and support you with your battle against depression. The point? Any person who's right for you will have your health and well-being in mind.

Dependence, however, is a negative trait in any relationship, and I encourage you to work on becoming more independent.

Forget him. It is indeed for your sake.

Also, don't do anything for payback. What is this, high school relationships 101? The days for that is over. Of course, it always feels good to show off so he can see "what he's missing", but that only cements how important he still is to you (when he really shouldn't be). What does it matter what he thinks? Don't do anything with that goal of impressing him in mind -- you'll be moving backwards towards him instead of moving forward to someone better for you.

Stay strong, m'dear. <3 It's hard, I know, but the old cliche couldn't have more truth to it: It all heals with time.

 

[JStephens]

.....

 

[Tired]

Based on your post, it sounds like he used to view you as a fun, outgoing, motivated, physically attractive woman.

Now, for whatever reason, he views you as depressed, unmotivated, not supportive, and not sexually attractive woman.

In parts of your post, you essentially seem to say that you view yourself the same way.

From a male perspective, I would just comment that:

(1) You need to get involved with your life again by getting active in school, work, the gym, whatever. This will be good for you.

(2) If you're really depressed, you should talk to your doctor

(3) In general, when men are confronted with "talking smack" about their girlfriends behind their back, the knee-jerk response is to appologize and make nice, even when they really meant what they said. In this case, his instinctive response is to break up. That means he had been thinking about it a long time, and had decided a while ago to break up and was just waiting for a good moment to do it.

(4) Your relationship is over. The sooner you realize it, the sooner you will get better, and the less likely you will make a fool of yourself trying to get someone back who doesn't even like you, much less love you.

Been there, done that
- Tired MD

 

[sweetvanity]

wow i am so sorry that happened to you! *hugs* seriously, it really sucks that he wasn't man enough to talk to you about his issues with your relationship-- but rather waited until he backed himself into a corner. and after such a long period of time too? what an asshat.

i know it sounds tough and unappealing, but revenge really can be sweet. its time for you to take care of you. get to your doc or counselor if you're feeling depressed. surround yourself with good friends who love you 24/7 because to them, you are perfect. lose the weight-- not because some guy couldn't deal with you looking differently than you did when you started dating, but because being healthy and active shows that you respect yourself-- and i'm a firm believer that if you respect yourself, others respect you too.

 

[lihini]

I am so sorry about the terrible break up! However it is best that you found out what kinda guy he was now than later. If he broke up with you becasue of your weight and he is avoiding sex due to your weight ; he is a total jerk and materialistic guy- YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN A JERK!
I dotn know how much weight you gianed but I know some girls who have been in similar situations and sometimes it doesnt get better. It is harder to lose weight once you are older. So instead of beating yourself up - be glad that the jerk is out of your life.
Do workout and eat right and try your best to lose weight IF YOU WANT TO -FOR YOUR SELF.
Don't look at the time you put into this relationship as investment- Instead look at it as a learning experiance and be glad that you found out.

On a side note- If you feel you have to snoop on his FB, myspace, journal, phone or anythign personal- just know that there is a porblem in your relationship you need to address. Figure out what it is and either fix it or get out of the (bad) relationship.

I hope this helps- get a lot of great Girlfriends around you during this tough time till you heal!

 

[mededu]

Don't bother at all... Stand UP one more time, and LIVE YOUR LIFE...