Couple's Matching and Compromise

[Bonobo]

---

Members don't see this ad.

I wonder if any of you have any advice or experience with this issue. My fiancee (NRMP) and I (NEMP) are trying to decide how to rank three different programs. Just for ranking sake, we are assuming that we will both get in everywhere. Here are our personal preferences

Me
1. Program A: Top program in my specialty. Excellent people and atmosphere. My dream to be here.
2. Program B: 2nd tier program. Program is well designed but I was less impressed. I would be happy here, but also regret not being at program A.
3. Program C: 2nd tier program. Program is less well designed. Certain aspects are very nice, but certain aspects are a great turn off. In an excellent city where many of my friends live, however.

Her
1. Program A: Top program in her specialty. However, somewhat malignant, and not a fun warm atmosphere. Unsure if she will be happy at this program and whether she will find people like herself to become close friends with.
2. Program B: 2nd tier program in her specialty. However, she loves it here and would have chosen this program if it was up to her.
3. Program C: 2nd tier program. Program not as nice as B, but many friends in the city and still a very nice program.

It seems that we should choose Program B over Program C. But what about Program A? Should it rank higher than both B and C? Higher than C only? Or below both?

Thank you, in advance, for your advice. Please share your experiences with the couple's match also.

B

 

[SOUNDMAN]

I wonder if any of you have any advice or experience with this issue. My fiancee (NRMP) and I (NEMP) are trying to decide how to rank three different programs. Just for ranking sake, we are assuming that we will both get in everywhere. Here are our personal preferences

Me
1. Program A: Top program in my specialty. Excellent people and atmosphere. My dream to be here.
2. Program B: 2nd tier program. Program is well designed but I was less impressed. I would be happy here, but also regret not being at program A.
3. Program C: 2nd tier program. Program is less well designed. Certain aspects are very nice, but certain aspects are a great turn off. In an excellent city where many of my friends live, however.

Her
1. Program A: Top program in her specialty. However, somewhat malignant, and not a fun warm atmosphere. Unsure if she will be happy at this program and whether she will find people like herself to become close friends with.
2. Program B: 2nd tier program in her specialty. However, she loves it here and would have chosen this program if it was up to her.
3. Program C: 2nd tier program. Program not as nice as B, but many friends in the city and still a very nice program.

It seems that we should choose Program B over Program C. But what about Program A? Should it rank higher than both B and C? Higher than C only? Or below both?

Thank you, in advance, for your advice. Please share your experiences with the couple's match also.

B

B,A,C imho

 

[margaritaboy]

Hello. My wife and I navigated the couples match through the NRMP. You mentioned you are matching with the NRMP and the NEMP? What is the NEMP?

As to the senario you propose, only you and your partner can make the ranking decision, and much of that will be based on what you collectivly think are your most important values. I'm not sure what your respective specialties are, but I am of the opinion that the vast majority of residencies will offer good training and prepare you for independent practice. With that in mind, you and your partner may wish to look at other variable like quality of life, geographic location, etc. Just my opinion though.

The only other advise I can think to give would be to communicate all of your feelings with each other frequently throughout the interview and ranking process. If either one of you has reservations about any one location, it is best to get that out in the open as early as possible so that information can enter the decision making process.

Anyway, I wish you guys the best of luck.

 

[cytoborg]

A, B, C, IMO. Even if program A for her has a malignant reputation, that doesn't mean it will pan out that way in reality. Plus, it's a top program in her field as well, and it seems like it would be important for both of you to have stellar credentials when it comes time to job-hunt in a designated geographic area. If she's willing to rank it #1 and won't hold it over your head later if she's not happy, then I say do it.

 

[kas23]

A,C,B

Yeah, another combo. Here's my rationale: program A: you need to be here because you will regret it if you are not. You said so yourself. It is also the top program for your program, but "malignant." Nobody but the residents know if it really is malignant, but people LOVE to say this type of stuff about the "top" programs. And besides, you will be there for her if she has a bad day. Shouldn't that make things less "cold" for her? And besides, it is the "top" program, so you sre not dragging her down. Program B: you will regret going here over A and you will blame your partner, end of story. Program C: this is the true "compromise." You both sacrifice, but end up at "very good" programs with a lot of friends in this cool city.

Remember, you are couple. You do not want to make each other unhappy, but it is alright if a program makes one of you less happy.

 

[doc05]

NEMP is the neurology match. what's the deal? is "A" the only program is a given city? you'd be foolish to not rank A 1st, if it's the top program in your field.

since your match is 2 months prior to hers, you can't attempt a "compromise." just rank yours in true preference and see what happens. then she can make an appropriate list for march, once she knows where you'll be.

good luck.

 

[TreeOfLife]

What is more important your wife's heart and soul or choosing the most prestigious program? Go ahead--you should both compromise. The best deal is one where both parties walk away a little bit unhappy. That's compromise and peace in a marriage.

 

[CambieMD]

What is more important your wife's heart and soul or choosing the most prestigious program? Go ahead--you should both compromise. The best deal is one where both parties walk away a little bit unhappy. That's compromise and peace in a marriage.

You should attempt to go to the program where you will be most happy . Residency is a job . Think about it this way. Who would pack up all of their stuff, relocate and start at a job where they have a hint that they will not be happy or comfortable. Most people perform best when they are living a balanced life. I have seen docs go to elite programs and perform poorly because they were unhappy.Also ,you should do your best to make sure that your fiance is happy where she matches. This is advice coming from an older married guy.


CambieMD