Dating a family medine first year resident

[Chironfriend]

Hi. New to this thread. I met a lovely first year resident, and we have hung out for the past few months at least once a week, getting to know each other. We have been keeping it low key. I have been cooking for him a lot (he loves my cooking), and I think it helps that I too am a professional (lawyer) with weird and grueling hours, and independent. The thing: I've noticed lately he's gotten very sad and discouraged sometimes, and he's constantly exhausted. He frets about his student loan debt though I keep assuring him that it doesn't matter to me. Sometimes it takes forever for him to answer a phone call. In addition, he's about to head into a very intense and scary rotation soon. How do I best encourage him?

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[deleted480308]

He will take forever to answer a call because he's busy.

Best advice is just be a generally encouraging person, try to not talk "shop" when he finally has free time, and don't be upset if he just needs to sleep.

You sound kind, so just be a kind girlfriend

 

[primadonna22274]

Intern year is awful. We tend to have those heavy months every other for an entire year. It gets better.
What you must do is continue to be independent and keep yourself occupied. There are days (particularly on service months) when the only phone calls I give and receive are work-related all day, for days on end. All of my other relationships suffer because any downtime, even 5 minutes, is an opportunity to catch up on notes or dictate that nagging discharge summary or dammit, pee! I'm blessed with a very understanding and supportive husband who doesn't need me very much and is mostly content to rub my feet while I pass out on the sofa at the end of one of those days. He's even learned to cook a few good meals (always my domain and I am a bit of a control freak about it).
It's good that you recognize his sadness. Be on the lookout for depression--this is a tough year. It will get better. My co-residents and I were talking about this today and we all feel like that on service medicine--it sucks the life out of you, even when you really enjoy inpatient medicine (I do). But there is ALWAYS a rebound after a golden weekend off, a few days on a lighter rotation, or a particularly good patient outcome (which might just be a good death). Buoy him up by all means but do not let him drag you down--it's too easy to get caught up in the hard times but fight it. Take time for yourself when you need it. Listen to hear and look to see. It sounds like you have a good intuition and that you are being a good friend--someone he needs.
Look on the bright side--we are halfway through intern year. Schedules lighten in PGY2 and if you both enjoy one another's company you will hopefully get to see more of each other then
Take care. And definitely agree with the sleep and kindness recommendations

 

[simpler2]

Dating someone who is under an undue amount of stress can be tricky. It could be difficult to know what that persons relaxed personality is like. I suppose if you are attracted to someone when they are undergoing the stress of residency, then that is probably a good sign that you will have a great relationship after they finish residency. You probably want to decide early on if you can deal with the stressed/busy version of this person for the next 2.5 years or not. After that family medicine work life is not particularly terrible. There are some exceptions where people take on jobs that are even worse than residency but for the most part people who go into family medicine aren't looking for these types of positions.

 

[VenturaResident]

The book "Staying Human During Residency Training" by Allan Peterkin has some good sections about supporting relationships through residency.

And just a word of caution re: primadonna's post: MANY residencies get easier 2nd year, but not all. Our program is one of the ones where 2nd year is generally acknowledged as being significantly harder than first year in terms of workload, though in any program the psychological transition from med student to doctor during first year makes that year hard (on top of work load.)

 

[Chicago2012]

Intern year is awful. We tend to have those heavy months every other for an entire year. It gets better.
What you must do is continue to be independent and keep yourself occupied. There are days (particularly on service months) when the only phone calls I give and receive are work-related all day, for days on end. All of my other relationships suffer because any downtime, even 5 minutes, is an opportunity to catch up on notes or dictate that nagging discharge summary or dammit, pee! I'm blessed with a very understanding and supportive husband who doesn't need me very much and is mostly content to rub my feet while I pass out on the sofa at the end of one of those days. He's even learned to cook a few good meals (always my domain and I am a bit of a control freak about it).
It's good that you recognize his sadness. Be on the lookout for depression--this is a tough year. It will get better. My co-residents and I were talking about this today and we all feel like that on service medicine--it sucks the life out of you, even when you really enjoy inpatient medicine (I do). But there is ALWAYS a rebound after a golden weekend off, a few days on a lighter rotation, or a particularly good patient outcome (which might just be a good death). Buoy him up by all means but do not let him drag you down--it's too easy to get caught up in the hard times but fight it. Take time for yourself when you need it. Listen to hear and look to see. It sounds like you have a good intuition and that you are being a good friend--someone he needs.
Look on the bright side--we are halfway through intern year. Schedules lighten in PGY2 and if you both enjoy one another's company you will hopefully get to see more of each other then
Take care. And definitely agree with the sleep and kindness recommendations

Excuse me? You don't write notes in the bathroom too? Not dedicated enough... lol

 

[Chironfriend]

Thank you everyone for your kind and wise words.... This man is a gem and I like him even when he is at his most tired and would love to continue to get to know him. I think the kindest thing I can do for him right now is continue to offer him my cooking for which he is very grateful. There are days I doubt he would eat anything but cafeteria food and microwavables if I did not offer some of my home cooking to him. He just doesn't seem to have that much time to cook for himself or do basic things like laundry, car tuneups, or socializing outside of his eclectic resident schedules.

 

[Chironfriend]

The book "Staying Human During Residency Training" by Allan Peterkin has some good sections about supporting relationships through residency.

And just a word of caution re: primadonna's post: MANY residencies get easier 2nd year, but not all. Our program is one of the ones where 2nd year is generally acknowledged as being significantly harder than first year in terms of workload, though in any program the psychological transition from med student to doctor during first year makes that year hard (on top of work load.)

Thank you. I will check out that book! I think it helps that I too keep busy as a lawyer.

 

[Chironfriend]

He will take forever to answer a call because he's busy.

Best advice is just be a generally encouraging person, try to not talk "shop" when he finally has free time, and don't be upset if he just needs to sleep.

You sound kind, so just be a kind girlfriend

I'm not sure what we are right now -- for now, he is a very dear friend to me with whom I very much enjoy getting to know. I heard that doctors like having a good friend who is a lawyer to handle that ONE patient/patient's family that I hear all doctors dread coming across once in their careers. He knows I'd have his back if someone mistreated him.

 

[Chironfriend]

Excuse me? You don't write notes in the bathroom too? Not dedicated enough... lol

Haha, that's awesome. He wasn't kidding when he told me once there are days when he barely has time to pee.

 

[Chironfriend]

Dating someone who is under an undue amount of stress can be tricky. It could be difficult to know what that persons relaxed personality is like. I suppose if you are attracted to someone when they are undergoing the stress of residency, then that is probably a good sign that you will have a great relationship after they finish residency. You probably want to decide early on if you can deal with the stressed/busy version of this person for the next 2.5 years or not. After that family medicine work life is not particularly terrible. There are some exceptions where people take on jobs that are even worse than residency but for the most part people who go into family medicine aren't looking for these types of positions.

Thank you for the perspective, Anonymous Attending. He is an exceptional person, even when he's sleepy/cranky. I represent incarcerated troubled youth and drug addicts as an attorney, so compared to the behavior I encounter constantly in my day job my resident I'm getting to know is about as irritating/bothersome as a cranky kitten, even when he's at his worst/most exhausted.