Dating while identifying as a clinical psychologist

[voyeurofthemind]

I am single after leaving a long term relationship. I am about to finish my academic course work and move onto internship. I am exploring the dating world and it is always interesting when disclosing to others what I do for a living and the profession I am associated with. Granted, I identify as a gay male so dating for me is somewhat different and mostly outside of my program. I am wondering about your experiences in dating with others outside of the profession.

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[AcronymAllergy]

Honestly, it's never been a problem/a negative for me. Folks typically respond positively (e.g., saying that it sounds interesting, which is then occasionally accompanied by the standard, "you're analyzing me right now, aren't you?" remark), but that's about it. I'd say that just like anything else, it depends on how big a deal you make of it. I tend to just mention it and move on.

 

[WisNeuro]

I will echo the "it's never been a problem for me" sentiment. Although I do identify on the neuro side, so maybe that buys me distance. Additionally, I tend to date within the medical professional field, so people usually have at least some experience with psychologists of some sort.

 

[grenas]

I think it is harder for us sexual minorities. I've found other gay men as intimidated due to myself pursuing a doctorate. Some are fascinated but from my experience it has been difficult. Could be my location too.

 

[bmedclinic]

Prior to being married (I'm a hetrosexual male), I found a few women who were kinda weirded out/nervous about it, but all in all, I've just kinda thought those werent people I'd really want anyways. Most people I interacted with would tend to think it's cool, and as long as you demonstrate you're not bringing work home with you (e.g. treat them like a patient) no biggie. Now (married for 2 years) I think my wife wife often doesnt even think twice about what my job entails.

 

[LETSGONYR]

I think it is harder for us sexual minorities. I've found other gay men as intimidated due to myself pursuing a doctorate. Some are fascinated but from my experience it has been difficult. Could be my location too.

I also a gay male, but I haven't had any problems dating because of my profession. Only because of my high standards. 🙂.

I've heard that it can be a big issue for other minorities, particularly hetero African American women, but I think a lot of that is because of traditional gender roles (e.g., males make more money, are dominant, etc) and the fact that society makes it harder for Black people to get educated and employed in the first place.

 

[Sanman]

I have gotten some interesting responses over the years, but generally did alright with most people. It became difficult for me on internship because I was on a palliative care rotation and that can be a bit of a downer to disuss on a date. I think my favorite response was at a party during my third year of grad school I started chatting this girl up and she was an undergrad psych major in her senior year contemplating grad school. When I told her I was getting my doctorate, she promptly stopped speaking to me for fear of embarrassing herself while drunk and refused to say another word to me the whole night!

 

[Rivi]

What's dating? I hear my clients talking about it sometimes, but I haven't done it in so long I seem to have forgotten what it means.

 

[joetro]

Single gay male here as well. I must admit the profession makes for an interesting first date conversation. Generally where folks tell you all about their families/problems and try to get a free therapy session in. I've often thought about dating as a flight attendant (like Miranda in SATC).

 

[bcliff]

If it's seriously an issue, then just tell whomever you're dating that you're a doctor, and leave it at that until things get more serious. Describe the type of work you do, but don't explicitly tell them that you're a clinical psychologist, unless of course they ask you directly what your speciality is. Keep the conversation focused on their career, and try to change the subject if it gets to a point that makes you genuinely feel uncomfortable.

*This coming from a gay guy who had an ex-boyfriend accuse him of only being in a relationship for some twisted kind of research project (This was during undergrad & we broke up shortly thereafter - I was tempted to mail him fake informed consent documents after the fact 🙂)

 

[rmenoch]

Wow, all the highly educated, single gay guys on SDN. Part of me thinks that I would be wiser to post a dating profile on here than other sites on the internet. FYI, I'm a Taurus who doesn't really like piña coladas but is ambivalent about getting caught in the rain 😉

 

[AcronymAllergy]

If it's seriously an issue, then just tell whomever you're dating that you're a doctor, and leave it at that until things get more serious. Describe the type of work you do, but don't explicitly tell them that you're a clinical psychologist, unless of course they ask you directly what your speciality is. Keep the conversation focused on their career, and try to change the subject if it gets to a point that makes you genuinely feel uncomfortable.

*This coming from a gay guy who had an ex-boyfriend accuse him of only being in a relationship for some twisted kind of research project (This was during undergrad & we broke up shortly thereafter - I was tempted to mail him fake informed consent documents after the fact 🙂)

Agreed. Many people (at least in my experience) will only make a big deal about your job if you do so first. In general, it's very common for folks to respond with a quick quip or two for any occupation; it's just part of conversation. If you just leave it at that and move on, it's likely not going to be much of an issue.

 

[cara susanna]

I met my husband in grad school and didn't have any issues. But he actually didn't know anything about clinical psychology, not even enough to make "uh oh, I'd better watch what I say around you!" jokes. 😉

 

[deadmau5]

Zomg... so funny.

When I went on dates and people found out I was doing clinical work, I would get the same standard questions. Which was so lame but whatever.
I found that girls could be any profession in the book but just wasn't interested... oops.

 

[PsyDr]

http://newsfeed.time.com/2013/08/30/survey-surgeons-are-the-most-attractive-doctors/

 

[deadmau5]

Ha, surgeons.... Oh boy.

 

[LivingOffLoans]

I am a therapist, and have dated many therapists and psychologists.

I'll never forget one time I was on a date with a clinical psychologist, and we were talking about how we respond to the question "are you analyzing me?". I loved her offer on how she responds to this question: "No, but is that how your mother made you feel when you were growing up?". Been using it ever since.

The date turned rough when I told her she was too logical and she told me I was too abstract (she is a CBT therapist; I'm a psychodynamic therapist). We didn't see each other again. I used to write emails to her and cite her last messages in my own email as personal communications. Scored major lol points 😉

I've discovered I personally match best with non-therapists who are highly educated in another humanities department - literature, art, history, etc... Conversations tend to be interdisciplinary and very stimulating. They are not put off or on guard by what I do professionally.

 

[erg923]

Conversations tend to be interdisciplinary and very stimulating. They are not put off or on guard by what I do professionally.

Good God, man. "Interdiciplinary?!" You wearin a lab coat to da club too?

Have I been married to long? Where did the "vodka + redbull and find the hottest blonde at the shin-dig" go? I always did my best work there.

 

[CheetahGirl]

I've discovered I personally match best with non-therapists who are highly educated in another humanities department - literature, art, history, etc... Conversations tend to be interdisciplinary and very stimulating. They are not put off or on guard by what I do professionally.

Now that's a man who knows what he wants! Cutting through all the .... My spouse is in a completely different field, and has the compassion of a therapist but not the patience.

Good God, man. "Interdisciplinary?!" You wearin a lab coat to da club too?

Have I been married to long? Where did the "vodka + redbull and find the hottest blonde at the shin-dig" go? I always did my best work there.

Yes, you have been married too long.

People should have a conversation before they close the deal (sober too if possible) and preferably in-person, not solely virtual with a quick nudge at the shin-dig then head home. Called me old fashion, but the first guy who was worthy and deserving of a convo became the "ONE" (...or one of the ones, if you believe in multiple soul mates).

I found more guys-of-interest were afraid of being "analyzed" when I was an undergrad...but I was also single then. My husband's friends who flirt with me (somewhat inappropriately) all ask if I will "analyze" them, and that is downright ridiculous and unethical so I laugh it off and tell them I can give them a referral. And my husband knows I'm NOT analyzing him now because I don't have the time or energy to put on the "therapist hat" at home...usually.

Gosh, OP, what a great question! I've seen like-therapist couples, but opposites attract for me in romantic relationships so outside of my profession made perfect sense...plus I'm sure I'd fear too much close competition or idealization of that which I could not have/i.e., dreaded jealousy if I dated a (clinical) psychologist.

 

[AcronymAllergy]

RE: the dating a therapist/psych person vs. someone outside that realm, it's probably just going to come down to personal preference. I've dated clinical psych, experimental psych, and completely unrelated to psych, and had great times with all of the above. With clinical folks, obviously there are lots of conversations about general psych/clinical-related topics, but I personally found that to be really interesting; I should say, though, that these were people in different specialties than myself. With the experimental folks, if we "talked shop," it was usually more research-oriented, which again was very interesting. And with the non-psych folks, if I talked about work, it was in part to explain what I did and what sorts of stuff I saw everyday (and vice-versa for them).

For me, I've typically enjoyed dating someone who's psych-oriented (or, as WisNeuro said, med-oriented) more so than someone in a completely different field, in part because there's always been an inherent understanding about when we want to talk about work and when we just need to shut that down and focus on something else. But that's just me, and that might've been more a factor of the individual people rather than their professions.

 

[psyd102]

I have always run into this problem. "I'm a grad student.." is usually how it starts. Once they find out it's to be a psychologist, they inappropriately divulge a bunch of personal information about their whole past within 5 minutes on the first date. The last guy was texting me saying he needed me to cheer him up after a hard day and can I please just make a few hours for him? He and his mother got in a fight and no one appreciates him and his dad wasn't around growing up..- This was after 1 date. I don't even know him. Then I say you know I'm sorry this just isn't working for me right now and I get a five page saga of texts of how I get him and bla bla bla. WTF. Lol dude I don't even know you! This has happened a few times now with guys on first dates...I am starting to think I can only date people in psych or the health profession to avoid these problems because I have no patience for it anymore lol. Or maybe I will just settle for having cats and roommates my whole life!! 🙂

 

[erg923]

A cat sounds better than the man in the above story.

 

[LivingOffLoans]

Having a cat is like having your own psychoanalyst. They are quiet and will listen to you, they last at least 10 years, you feel rejected when you sense they are distant, and they cost a lot of money 😉

 

[Sanman]

I am a therapist, and have dated many therapists and psychologists.

I'll never forget one time I was on a date with a clinical psychologist, and we were talking about how we respond to the question "are you analyzing me?". I loved her offer on how she responds to this question: "No, but is that how your mother made you feel when you were growing up?". Been using it ever since.

The date turned rough when I told her she was too logical and she told me I was too abstract (she is a CBT therapist; I'm a psychodynamic therapist). We didn't see each other again. I used to write emails to her and cite her last messages in my own email as personal communications. Scored major lol points 😉

I've discovered I personally match best with non-therapists who are highly educated in another humanities department - literature, art, history, etc... Conversations tend to be interdisciplinary and very stimulating. They are not put off or on guard by what I do professionally.

Ha, I am a CBT person and I dated an analytic student for a while. That led to a lot of issues. I attempted to keep an open mind, but we definitely were different types of people.

 

[Sanman]

Good God, man. "Interdiciplinary?!" You wearin a lab coat to da club too?

Have I been married to long? Where did the "vodka + redbull and find the hottest blonde at the shin-dig" go? I always did my best work there.

You've been married too long. I can't remember the last time someone referred to a party as a shin-dig. 😉😀

 

[Topspin1]

Yet another single gay male here. I've tended to gravitate toward men in IT, and this works out great because I can't fix my computer to save my life. That being said, just because they're outside the field doesn't mean I can't discuss psychology topics with them. I value having intellectually stimulating conversations with a partner, whether it's about what I do, what he does, or something completely different. I also identify with a specific subcommunity, so he's usually eager to hear more about this CBT stuff until he learns it's something totally different than what he initially thought.

 

[rmenoch]

I also identify with a specific subcommunity, so he's usually eager to hear more about this CBT stuff until he learns it's something totally different than what he initially thought.

Lol . My advisor has a story about how when he was doing his first social anxiety group for gay men. Apparently, when he said that treatment would entail "CBT" a few of the men audibly gasped. Then a discussion differentiating the meanings behind various "CBT" acronyms ensued.

 

[cara susanna]

Haha, I have a gay friend who giggles whenever I say "CBT."

 

[MCParent]

I vote for a big gay SDN mixer at APA.

 

[ComplexDoc]

I definitely run into this issue. (Am also a gay male). I am psychodynamically oriented, but I've found that people start to overshare or that they become constricted when I tell them what I do. I wont lie, I've thought about fibbing and saying I am in mental health administration (What? I administer mental health... LOL). But I know that its best to just be upfront. The good news is that I live in a major metropolitan city with lots of educated guys who aren't always phased by it. I think my future-match will be the ONE guy who DOESN'T ask me if I am analyzing him!! I just say "aren't we all analyzing each other to a certain extent?" Then they think about it and say... "that's true."

The best is when I had someone start talking about what he envisioned "crazy" people responding on the Rorschach. He had told me a lot about his controlling mother previously (he had been drinking) and then later "imagined" people saying things about violence towards their mothers.... Hm. Funny 'coincidence' isn't that? LOL. Suffice to say, I was a bit dumbfounded and I couldn't control where my mind went after that. But we are still friends 🙂

I'm definitely on the neurotic side so I am always thinking about what people "expect" a psychologist to act like... I project "boring" and "conservative" but I am neither of those things, so that leads to some cognitive dissonance.... *sigh*.

 

[deadmau5]

i love this thread <3

i'm not going to APA, but i'd come for the night out!

 

[grenas]

I vote for a big gay SDN mixer at APA.

Yes please! LOL

 

[ComplexDoc]

i love this thread <3

i'm not going to APA, but i'd come for the night out!

Yesssssa.... this would totally be fun!