Dealing with family/friends that don't understand

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Maybe they'll understand if you say "this is like studying for the bar exam".

If that doesn't work, just say it's a career deciding, high stakes exam and if you do poorly, you'll never be a doctor.

I feel your pain and like a kidney stone, this too shall pass.

kk123 said:
Has anyone had family members or friends that just don't understand how hard/stressful the med school application process is no matter how hard you try to explain it to them?
For instance, I have family members constantly complain that I spend too much time studying for the MCAT. They don't seem to understand how difficult it is for me, or how high the stakes are for doing well on the test. It's very emotionally draining to not be understood and have to listen to constant nagging when I'm already under a lot of stress. Has anyone else had to deal with this? If so, how did you handle it? The hurt and frustration I'm feeling is interfering with my ability to concentrate on studying, so any useful advice would be very much appreciated.
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I greatly sympathize with your situation. My original solution was to hide. Whether by moving away, or spending time away from home. My mother can be smothering when I was young--constantly asking me what I need and try to help me live like a dictator, I chose to live in boarding school since I was 12. Problem solved. I don't have to confront them, and I kept a relationship with my parents because of the separation. It was also necessary at the time to develop living skills. Otherwise, I wouldn't be able to know how to fold a shirt.

However, when I grow older and have people/animals that I love deeply, I realized how strong the attachments can be--I can't stand time away from my dog even for a couple of days. I realize how badly my parents must have missed me. (I am the only child living and working on the other side of the earth who visited home no more than 4 times in 8 years). I decided to actually get them here to live with me and to make time for them. They became much more understanding of my situation once they saw me making the effort as well.
 
My father was abhorrent and disowned me as punishment for dishonoring the family by not getting in, shaming him so much that he had to stop going to family gatherings because he couldn't stand answering the question, "What's your son up to these days?". He's suddenly been trying to call me, but I haven't answered and I'm not going to.

OP, it's YOUR life, and, whether it is family, friends, or loved ones who disapprove of your choices, you're the only one who knows what is best for you, and will live with the life choices. Consider it a practice in not caring what others think. I've found that, most of the time, what others think is wrong, especially when it comes to me.
 
type12 said:
My father was abhorrent and disowned me as punishment for dishonoring the family by not getting in, shaming him so much that he had to stop going to family gatherings because he couldn't stand answering the question, "What's your son up to these days?". He's suddenly been trying to call me, but I haven't answered and I'm not going to.

OP, it's YOUR life, and, whether it is family, friends, or loved ones who disapprove of your choices, you're the only one who knows what is best for you, and will live with the life choices. Consider it a practice in not caring what others think. I've found that, most of the time, what others think is wrong, especially when it comes to me.
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That is seriously horrible, and I'm so sorry you had to go through that. If I had to guess, perhaps he is dissatisfied with himself in life and subsequently put an unhealthy amount of his own self-worth in your accomplishments, thereby taking it ridiculously personally when people ask? I don't know, but that's seriously awful. He ought to get some therapy or something.
 
type12 said:
My father was abhorrent and disowned me as punishment for dishonoring the family by not getting in, shaming him so much that he had to stop going to family gatherings because he couldn't stand answering the question, "What's your son up to these days?". He's suddenly been trying to call me, but I haven't answered and I'm not going to.

OP, it's YOUR life, and, whether it is family, friends, or loved ones who disapprove of your choices, you're the only one who knows what is best for you, and will live with the life choices. Consider it a practice in not caring what others think. I've found that, most of the time, what others think is wrong, especially when it comes to me.
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But you did get in. Are you Asian, by chance?
 
DermViser said:
But you did get in. Are you Asian, by chance?
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Yeah, only recently, and off a waitlist. Told my mom.

And yes, I'm Asianish (half), but I don't consider myself as Asian or look it.

Thanks for the sympathy, everyone. I'm really okay, haha. I was just sharing with OP to show that this "burden" can be a learning lesson in not caring what others think. Didn't mean to derail the thread.
 
type12 said:
Yeah, only recently, and off a waitlist. Told my mom.

And yes, I'm Asianish (half), but I don't consider myself as Asian or look it.

Thanks for the sympathy, everyone. I'm really okay, haha. I was just sharing with OP to show that this "burden" can be a learning lesson in not caring what others think. Didn't mean to derail the thread.
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Did he want you to only do Medicine or was it bc your route was premed and you did a Bio degree (which is relatively unmarketable) and didn't get in, so there was some shame involved? Sad that that happens. I think a lot of it is the natural Asian culture to want your kids to be successful and affluent (which is fine), and it's proud as a parent to tell others your son/daughter is a doctor. I think a lot of times parents don't realize how hard the MD route is compared to say NP/PA which gets you to about the same place. Usually they just want the best for you, but it's so easy to overreact (them not you).
 
DermViser said:
Did he want you to only do Medicine or was it bc your route was premed and you did a Bio degree (which is relatively unmarketable) and didn't get in, so there was some shame involved? Sad that that happens. I think a lot of it is the natural Asian culture to want your kids to be successful and affluent (which is fine), and it's proud as a parent to tell others your son/daughter is a doctor. I think a lot of times parents don't realize how hard the MD route is compared to say NP/PA which gets you to about the same place. Usually they just want the best for you, but it's so easy to overreact (them not you).
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The first, and only doctor. I secretly wanted to be a policeman, but biology and medicine really grabbed me in the high school classes, so I decided to appease him and do premed. I ended up really enjoying it, so there was no disrespect.

But yeah, having a six figure salary is still humiliating because he sees it as "labor" job (comp engineering) and not a "prestigious" job where everyone bows to you. Very delusional, I know.
 
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type12 said:
The first, and only doctor. I secretly wanted to be a policeman, but biology and medicine really grabbed me in the high school classes, so I decided to appease him and do premed. I ended up really enjoying it, so there was no disregard.

But yeah, having a six figure salary is still humiliating because he sees it "labor" job (comp engineering) and not a "prestigious" job where everyone bows to you. Very delusional, I know.
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I think Asian families tend to revere physicians greatly. The ones who revere the surgeon, cardiologist, GI doc, etc. Quite old school. It's funny bc that level of respect for doctors hasn't happened for decades, esp. with patients - definitely not bowing down for sure. At least in modern day America, you're a professional offering a service that's being paid for and that's it. Hopefully your family won't be dictating your specialty choice.
 
DermViser said:
I think Asian families tend to revere physicians greatly. The ones who revere the surgeon, cardiologist, GI doc, etc. Quite old school. It's funny bc that level of respect for doctors hasn't happened for decades, esp. with patients - definitely not bowing down for sure. At least in modern day America, you're a professional offering a service that's being paid for and that's it. Hopefully your family won't be dictating your specialty choice.
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Nah, they are largely out of my life at the moment (their choice, not mine). I'm interested in Neurology, but we'll see what happens.

And thanks, I appreciate it.
 
I love my parents, but I find that I have to stay on campus (or anywhere else really) all day in order to get something done. It is the constant nagging of 'why don't you make time for yourself' or 'you study too much'
I recommend (if possible) staying on campus as late as you can, or if at all possible, live on campus/an apartment. Distance has made it easier to focus IMO.
 
DermViser said:
Why? You got into medicine and did what they wanted, right? I hope it's not like this situation:
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Haha, that was a good laugh. Yeah, pretty much like that, but I meant, they chose to ditch me at my lowest moment, and I'm choosing not to let them back in. They shouldn't have been jerks.
 
kk123 said:
Has anyone had family members or friends that just don't understand how hard/stressful the med school application process is no matter how hard you try to explain it to them?
For instance, I have family members constantly complain that I spend too much time studying for the MCAT. They don't seem to understand how difficult it is for me, or how high the stakes are for doing well on the test. It's very emotionally draining to not be understood and have to listen to constant nagging when I'm already under a lot of stress. Has anyone else had to deal with this? If so, how did you handle it? The hurt and frustration I'm feeling is interfering with my ability to concentrate on studying, so any useful advice would be very much appreciated.
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just email them the link to the free emcat #3, tell them to take it and when they get a 30 they can tell you that you study too much
 
type12 said:
Haha, that was a good laugh. Yeah, pretty much like that, but I meant, they chose to ditch me at my lowest moment, and I'm choosing not to let them back in. They shouldn't have been jerks.
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Yes, that clip is quite hilarious. That being said, I would let them back in. You don't have to do it with open arms, but you will need your family for some type of emotional support thru this process. You'll have some more low moments thru out the roller coaster of med school (i.e. bad exam, overall stress, maybe a bad clerkship eval, whatever), and going thru this alone isn't helpful. You'll need your support system now more than ever. At least do it for your own benefit.
 
DermViser said:
Yes, that clip is quite hilarious. That being said, I would let them back in. You don't have to do it with open arms, but you will need your family for some type of emotional support thru this process. You'll have some more low moments thru out the roller coaster of med school (i.e. bad exam, overall stress, maybe a bad clerkship eval, whatever), and going thru this alone isn't helpful. You'll need your support system now more than ever. At least do it for your own benefit.
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I agree with dermviser here, it's not letting them in due to the fact that they deserve you.....it's letting them in because you deserve a family
 
sb247 said:
I agree with dermviser here, it's not letting them in due to the fact that they deserve you.....it's letting them in because you deserve a family
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Medical school is hard enough. There is a reason on Match Day when people open their envelopes that people are thanking their support system: immediate family, significant other, etc. Premed - yeah you can probably do that alone and pretty much succeed. Don't do the same thing during med school. It's a different ball game.
 
type12 said:
@DermViser @sb247 You guys are probably right. I think I might just need a cool-down period.
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Good, glad you see it that way. You'll realize thru med school that there are some things to hold a grudge about and some things not. You will drive yourself crazy if you stay mad on the stupid ****, and trust me there's a lot of stupid ****.
 
Tell them that if you fail this exam, all the studying and all the previous work was a waste and make them feel bad. That will make them understand.
 
Perry6 said:
I love my parents, but I find that I have to stay on campus (or anywhere else really) all day in order to get something done. It is the constant nagging of 'why don't you make time for yourself' or 'you study too much'
I recommend (if possible) staying on campus as late as you can, or if at all possible, live on campus/an apartment. Distance has made it easier to focus IMO.
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Unfortunately, I still live at home (even while going to college) and this will not be able to change anytime soon. I will take your advice and try to study away from home as much as possible and see if that helps.
 
type12 said:
My father was abhorrent and disowned me as punishment for dishonoring the family by not getting in, shaming him so much that he had to stop going to family gatherings because he couldn't stand answering the question, "What's your son up to these days?". He's suddenly been trying to call me, but I haven't answered and I'm not going to.

OP, it's YOUR life, and, whether it is family, friends, or loved ones who disapprove of your choices, you're the only one who knows what is best for you, and will live with the life choices. Consider it a practice in not caring what others think. I've found that, most of the time, what others think is wrong, especially when it comes to me.
Click to expand...
That is horrible! I'm so sorry he acted like that toward you! I can't imagine having to deal with that!
 
Goro said:
If that doesn't work, just say it's a career deciding, high stakes exam and if you do poorly, you'll never be a doctor.
Click to expand...
I have tried this but they must think I'm exaggerating because they aren't taking me seriously. 🙁
 
I think at this point you're going to have to tune them out. In this process, and in medical school even more, you have to be a bit selfish. They're going to have to get used to this scenario:

Them "what are you doing, kk"?
kk: "Studying".

kk123 said:
I have tried this but they must think I'm exaggerating because they aren't taking me seriously. 🙁
Click to expand...
 
I guess my situation is different because I'm older and haven't lived with my family in......jesus, almost 20 years. They still don't get it, but I'll take their overly optimistic encouragement over what some of you have to deal with any day.
 
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