Disadvantaged status proofread: how to spin it without sounding whiny

[rths24]

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I really don't want this to be to dramatic. Obviously I want to get the point across that I was economically disadvantaged growing up. I put the work in progress statement below if anyone could take a look and provide some feedback that'd be wonderful. Short story: dad had serious drug issues, mom couldn't get it together to leave him, spent most of my childhood (0-18) bouncing around from place to place. I got a job as soon as I could and supported myself and my sister. I'm a 1st gen. college student so I had to figure out everything on my own. I made mistakes & I didn't do so hot my first 2 years of undergrad because I was working so much. I want to put a positive spin on it though. Please let me know your thoughts! Thanks 🙂

"My birth was shortly after my teenage parents’ wedding, followed a year later by my sister’s. Growing up the bread-wining was left to my father. Though he could have had a lucrative career, our money went to his heroin addiction; the effects of which were only amplified by his maniac-depressive bipolar disorder. He was arrested multiple times, had several holds in psychiatric wards, & spent time in jail. Between ages 5-17, we moved 14 times & attended 7 different schools. At 15, I began working at a local restaurant within walking distance to our home. By 17, I left home to couch-hop while working extra hours to pay for my college expenses (ACT’s, college applications, etc.). At 19, I applied to a research position at University Hospital and was offered a position over 12 others. My entire life I have had to make my own way, with no outside help and little guidance. Given these circumstances, I am proud of the social & financial obstacles I have overcome to be the first in my family to attend & graduate from a university with not one, but two degrees. These experiences, while obviously challenging, have provided me with opportunities for growth & insight into mental illnesses & other socioeconomically disadvantaged individuals in our society, sparking my interest in working with under-served populations."

 

[SandyCheecks]

I really don't want this to be to dramatic. Obviously I want to get the point across that I was economically disadvantaged growing up. I put the work in progress statement below if anyone could take a look and provide some feedback that'd be wonderful. Short story: dad had serious drug issues, mom couldn't get it together to leave him, spent most of my childhood (0-18) bouncing around from place to place. I got a job as soon as I could and supported myself and my sister. I'm a 1st gen. college student so I had to figure out everything on my own. I made mistakes & I didn't do so hot my first 2 years of undergrad because I was working so much. I want to put a positive spin on it though. Please let me know your thoughts! Thanks 🙂

"My birth was shortly after my teenage parents’ wedding, followed a year later by my sister’s. Growing up the bread-wining was left to my father. Though he could have had a lucrative career, our money went to his heroin addiction; the effects of which were only amplified by his maniac-depressive bipolar disorder. He was arrested multiple times, had several holds in psychiatric wards, & spent time in jail. Between ages 5-17, we moved 14 times & attended 7 different schools. At 15, I began working at a local restaurant within walking distance to our home. By 17, I left home to couch-hop while working extra hours to pay for my college expenses (ACT’s, college applications, etc.). At 19, I applied to a research position at University Hospital and was offered a position over 12 others. My entire life I have had to make my own way, with no outside help and little guidance. Given these circumstances, I am proud of the social & financial obstacles I have overcome to be the first in my family to attend & graduate from a university with not one, but two degrees. These experiences, while obviously challenging, have provided me with opportunities for growth & insight into mental illnesses & other socioeconomically disadvantaged individuals in our society, sparking my interest in working with under-served populations."

Very awkward sentence right from the beginning. You have a compelling story but I would rewrite certain sentences and perhaps use a different tense.

 

[AlteredScale]

I really don't want this to be to dramatic. Obviously I want to get the point across that I was economically disadvantaged growing up. I put the work in progress statement below if anyone could take a look and provide some feedback that'd be wonderful. Short story: dad had serious drug issues, mom couldn't get it together to leave him, spent most of my childhood (0-18) bouncing around from place to place. I got a job as soon as I could and supported myself and my sister. I'm a 1st gen. college student so I had to figure out everything on my own. I made mistakes & I didn't do so hot my first 2 years of undergrad because I was working so much. I want to put a positive spin on it though. Please let me know your thoughts! Thanks 🙂

"My birth was shortly after my teenage parents’ wedding, followed a year later by my sister’s. Growing up the bread-wining was left to my father. Though he could have had a lucrative career, our money went to his heroin addiction; the effects of which were only amplified by his maniac-depressive bipolar disorder. He was arrested multiple times, had several holds in psychiatric wards, & spent time in jail. Between ages 5-17, we moved 14 times & attended 7 different schools. At 15, I began working at a local restaurant within walking distance to our home. By 17, I left home to couch-hop while working extra hours to pay for my college expenses (ACT’s, college applications, etc.). At 19, I applied to a research position at University Hospital and was offered a position over 12 others. My entire life I have had to make my own way, with no outside help and little guidance. Given these circumstances, I am proud of the social & financial obstacles I have overcome to be the first in my family to attend & graduate from a university with not one, but two degrees. These experiences, while obviously challenging, have provided me with opportunities for growth & insight into mental illnesses & other socioeconomically disadvantaged individuals in our society, sparking my interest in working with under-served populations."

Hmm I think you have a good start but it sounds like you're almost rehashing your life.

I think a better way is to first cut to the chase: tell them immediately that you've been through some very tough time and set a theme to your "story". What things have you done in your life that reflect that them and how to they transcend to you choosing medicine?

You have a great story btw!

 

[baxt1412]

congrats on your achievements, but a few things:

1) i agree about the first sentence. i'd say just take out the sister part. it makes it confusing. like did your sister give birth a year after you were born or was she born a year after you? that's what i had to ask myself for a second.
2) i don't know your story. BUT, the way you said you had no help comes off as whiny to me... i think if you wrote it as something like this: "i did not have the traditional support system from my parents.. blah blah blah" that it would sound better.
3) i also think that writing that your dad was arrested many times and also did time in jail is a little redundant.. just put that he was incarcerated multiple times. cuts extra words out and also the way you have the extra words organized right now is haphazard.
4) i'd cut out some of the story part, condense that down, and then speak more on what has actually changed about you because of this? yes you say you changed... but show us.

 

[rths24]

My parents married right out of high school and wasted no time starting a family. Though my dad could have had a lucrative career, our money went to his heroin addiction; the effects of which were only amplified by his maniac-depressive bipolar disorder. While fighting to maintain sobriety and balance a mental illness, his bad choices lead to multiple incarcerations and subsequently a very unstable household. At 15, I began working in a local restaurant to help support our family and to save for college. I may not have had the traditional support system from my parents but I had always known that I wanted to become a doctor. I dreamed of helping people struggling with mental illness and limited health care options and of serving their children and partners who in turn must rely on the ER as a PCP; much like my family had to. Though these circumstances were tough, I am proud of the social and financial obstacles I have overcome to be the first in my family to attend and graduate from a university with not one, but two degrees. These experiences, while obviously challenging, have provided me with opportunities for growth and insight into mental illnesses and other socioeconomically disadvantaged individuals in our society, igniting my interest in working with under-served populations.

Better? 1325 words is not a whole lot of space to get something meaningful out. Also-in my PS I really talk about my working experiences/personal experiences and how they tie in with wanting to help underprivileged by doing primary care.

 

[group_theory]

My parents married right out of high school and wasted no time starting a family. Though my dad could have had a lucrative career, I had a rough childhood, with a lot of our money went going to feed my dad's his heroin addiction; the effects of which were only amplified by his maniac-depressive bipolar disorder. While fighting to maintain sobriety and balance a mental illness, His bad choices lead led to multiple incarcerations and subsequently a very unstable childhood for me my family. I may not have had the traditional support system from my parents but had always known I wanted to become a doctor. I dreamed of helping people struggling with mental illness and limited health care options and of serving their children and partners who in turn must rely on the ER as a their PCP; much like my family had to. Though these circumstances were tough, I am proud of the social and financial obstacles I have had to overcome to be the first in my family to attend and graduate from a university with not one, but two degrees. These experiences, while obviously challenging, have provided me with opportunities for growth and insight into mental illnesses and other socioeconomically disadvantaged individuals in our society, igniting my interest in working with under-served populations.

Better? 1325 words is not a whole lot of space to get something meaningful out. Also-in my PS I really talk about my working experiences/personal experiences and how they tie in with wanting to help underprivileged by doing primary care.

Some changes (some are purely stylistic so feel free to ignore them). I got rid of "with not one, but two degrees" because that sentence made it sound like you are the first person in your family to graduate with two degrees (implying that everyone else only graduated with one degree). While it is hard work to fulfill requirements for two degrees, the bigger accomplishment is the fact that you are a first-generation college graduate who navigated successfully through a difficult childhood, overcame many obstacles, avoided many pitfalls, and have succeeded. Kudos to you and good luck with the med school application.

 

[baxt1412]

My parents married right out of high school and wasted no time starting a family. Though my dad could have had a lucrative career because of what?, our money went to his heroin addiction; i would end the sentence there, it seems a little more dramatic that way to me. then obviously you would need to reword the following sentence. the effects of which were only amplified by his maniac-depressive bipolar disorder. While fighting to maintain sobriety and balance a mental illness, his maybe just put choices, most people would agree that heroin is bad so putting in bad is extra fluff bad choices lead to multiple incarcerations and get rid of subsequently subsequently a very unstable household. At 15, I began working in a local restaurant to help support our family and to save for college. I be confident.. "I did not have the trad.." may not have had the traditional support system from my parents but I avoid passive voice... "I always knew" had always known that I wanted to become a doctor. I dreamed of helping people struggling with mental illness and limited health care options and of serving their children and partners who in turn must rely on the ER as a PCP I don't think you need the ER/PCP part.. would save you characters and i don't think it adds much to the paper; much like my family had to. Though these circumstances were tough, I am proud of the social and financial obstacles I have overcome to be the first in my family to attend and graduate from a university with not one, but two degrees. These experiences, while obviously challenging, avoid passive.. no have have provided me with opportunities for growth and insight into mental illnesses and other socioeconomically disadvantaged individuals in our society, igniting my interest in working with under-served populations. last sentence is a tad bit long in my opinion

Better? 1325 words is not a whole lot of space to get something meaningful out. Also-in my PS I really talk about my working experiences/personal experiences and how they tie in with wanting to help underprivileged by doing primary care.

corrections above