Disadvataged Essay--- HELP

[Willion1614]

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This is my disadvantaged essay:

After the passing of my father in 2001, the primary breadwinner for my family, my mother struggled with our finances. Having to switch from full-time to part-time employment to take care of my younger siblings, my mother’s income, and the primary source of income for a family of four kept dwindling. After the first year, she just could not afford the rising cost of health insurance for three kids and my entire family was uninsured. After an uninsured period, I became a recipient of Florida public health insurance by middle school. Additionally paying for clothes, lunch, field trips, school apparel, organizational and sports team fees became a constant worry. Negotiating and disclosing with administrators became constant. Standardized tests fees and college applications, an unnoticed bump in the road for my peers, became limiting. Only able to apply and test when a fee waiver was available, there was much pressure on each exam and application. Nonetheless, my conservative and humble upbringing has allowed me to place much emphasis on health, happiness, and service above all else. These experiences, while challenging, have provided valuable opportunities for growth and insight into socio-economically disadvantaged populations.


It just sounds off and would like all the criticisms/suggestions I can get.

 

[Jay11jayjay]

This is my disadvantaged essay:

After the passing of my father in 2001, the primary breadwinner for my family, my mother struggled with our finances. Having to switch from full-time to part-time employment to take care of my younger siblings, my mother’s income, and the primary source of income for a family of four kept dwindling. After the first year, she just could not afford the rising cost of health insurance for three kids and my entire family was uninsured. After an uninsured period, I became a recipient of Florida public health insurance by middle school. Additionally paying for clothes, lunch, field trips, school apparel, organizational and sports team fees became a constant worry. Negotiating and disclosing with administrators became constant. Standardized tests fees and college applications, an unnoticed bump in the road for my peers, became limiting. Only able to apply and test when a fee waiver was available, there was much pressure on each exam and application. Nonetheless, my conservative and humble upbringing has allowed me to place much emphasis on health, happiness, and service above all else. These experiences, while challenging, have provided valuable opportunities for growth and insight into socio-economically disadvantaged populations.


It just sounds off and would like all the criticisms/suggestions I can get.

Hello,

I get an overall understanding of your situation. So it's not off from that point of view. One thing I would say is that even though you were uninsured for a little period of time, you were probably on Medicaid for the remainder of your childhood so perhaps you could reconsider mentioning that part since you weren't really at a disadvantage in terms of healthcare (but I could be wrong). Also, the sentence "having to switch from full-time to half-time employment..." could probably be reworded differently. I had to read it twice to understand it. Maybe you could start with "My mothers income was dwindling because.." Also, most of your other sentences should probably be changed from from passive to active voice. Again, the right idea is there. Personally I would scrape the whole thing and say everything differently.

 

[Willion1614]

Revised:

After the passing of my father, the primary breadwinner for my family, my mother struggled with our finances. Within a few months, my family could not afford the rising cost of health insurance or disposable expenses. My mother’s income further dwindled as she began to work fewer hours in order to be home for my siblings and I after school. Although, my mother had the means to put us on Medicaid, paying for clothes, school lunches, and field trips became a constant worry. Receiving great support and guidance, negotiating and disclosing with administrators became constant. Each new barrier, from purchasing school apparel to addressing my inability to pay organization and sports team fees, taught me how to ask for and accept help in order to navigate obstacles. Limited by standardized test and college application fees, an unnoticed bump in the road for my peers, I only applied and took a test when a fee waiver was available. Nonetheless, my conservative and humble upbringing emphasized health, happiness, and service above all else. These experiences, while challenging, have provided valuable opportunities for growth and insight into socio-economically disadvantaged populations.

 

[LizzyM]

My mother struggled financially after my dad died in 2001. A year later, she could not afford the rising cost of health insurance for our family of four. After an uninsured period, I qualified for publicly funded Childrens Health Insurance Program (CHIP). Standardized tests fees and college applications depended on fee waivers so there was much pressure to make the most of each exam and application. These experiences, while challenging, have provided valuable opportunities for growth and empathy for those who have experienced similar struggles.

 

[meretalking]

The content of your essay is good, but it definitely needs editing. Are you currently in school? Does your school have resources such as writing workshops or tutors that you can work with on your essays?

 

[Willion1614]

Thanks everyone! I recently graduated and moved home for the summer so my writing resources are limited.