I am really really sorry for how long this post is. TL;DR I'm in a contested divorce involving a 2 year old child going on 6 months expected to take over a year still and I'm exhausted.
Haven't posted here in a while. Life has felt in shambles for the last 6 months and I seriously don't know if I can keep going. I'm overwhelmed and medical school seems the least of my worries but I know if I don't somehow pull it together things will only get worse.
End of MS3 was highlighted by divorce for me. Married my ex wife middle of MS1, we got pregnant, let's just say she was emotionally abusive during pregnancy and manipulated me into making a number of bad decisions.
1)Guilted me into using my $20,000 school stipend on purchasing a $16,000 vehicle for her (titled it in both our names as a family car, but she's always treated it as HER car)
2)Left me then blackmailed me with our unborn kid and the marriage into taking out a $12,000 loan to take her on vacations and buy a new expensive wedding ring
3)We had to downsize to a 1 bedroom start of MS3 and I had to take out another $8,000 loan just to keep up with expenses and loan payments
4)She rarely worked during the marriage and never helped financially. I maxed out my credit cards paying for the L&D bill, other medical bills, buying things for the baby, paying for repairs on the vehicle I bought
So now I'm just struggling. I filed for divorce when she took our 1 year old for a trip to the grandparents and then when it came time to come home she cut off contact for 3 weeks and our child missed his 15 month pediatrician appointment. I couldn't take continuing to beg and seeing her hurting our son with these confusing emotionally abusive decisions. Not to mention other major concerns I had (5 months before this she had attempted suicide and told me over the last year she was having intrusive thoughts of molesting our son).
Since filing it has been hell. I pushed through my OB/GYN rotation (final rotation of 3rd year) and almost honored my shelf, but just another pass. I failed STEP 1 on my first attempt (caring for a newborn and my awful marriage I did not prepare well enough). Managed to pass everything during MS3 even earned a High Pass on Internal Medicine. I was planning to take STEP 2 when all the divorce stuff started. Decided to cancel when our first emergency hearing to establish custody was set for the day before my exam.
Been in communication with my school. They've been understanding, and basically we decided I'd delay applying for residency this cycle just take easier coursework to settle all this out and basically be a 5 year graduate. I wanted to be MedPeds but I'm thinking I'll just do Family Medicine because I know our local program director and hopefully if I can be in their program it won't require me to move simplifying custody issues.
I'm just so exhausted from everything. 2 years ago when my wife first left and we reconciled I was so close to divorcing. I just couldn't because it was raw, I didn't know how I could be an involved father divorcing while my ex wife was pregnant, and I really didn't want everyone's life getting ruined. I tried so hard to make it work. I grew up in a divorced home with a single parent. I witnessed physical abuse. I just wanted things to be good and healthy and provide for my family. It's taken a lot for me to even fully accept I was truly abused. My family, friends, and therapists have said so, but being a guy you still get people doubting etc. My ex wife was so subtle with it too she weaponized her family to send me physical threats rather than doing it herself to maintain plausible deniability (but I saw private Facebook messages she sent to family and she was laughing at me getting threatened by her brother, so I know she both asked him to do it and was aware/happy he did).
I guess I'm just posting this looking for support or advise or something. I've been using ChatGPT to analyze a lot of my relationship which has helped a lot with the lingering gaslighting. Something about the AI pointing out and validating my suspicions independently helped in a way family or friends pointing it out just didn't. I was seeking full custody at the start because of how she took my son away, was denying her mental illness, and making so many poor parenting decisions for him. She even tried to get me arrested alleging false DV when she attempted to force moving back in with me after temporarily losing custody due to the very far distance she took our son (grandparents live over 300 miles away and she initially tried to push she deserved full custody as the "primary caregiver", then wanted to do 50/50 alternating weeks living that far but there's a 150 mile rule for 50/50).
Needless to say I don't trust my ex at all, was paranoid and on edge. Preserved my reputation and avoided jail by video recording the incident she alleged I "shoved her". Things were crazy. I've spent over $25,000 on legal costs. Our mediation failed. After things had settled down and I prayed a lot, I offered to settle 50/50 custody provided she would agree to mandatory therapy for her mental condition, but she refused that she "didn't need therapy". We are both broke. She works 2 jobs told us at mediation she didn't have the money to keep going but insisted on caring for the child 300 miles away. I don't know why she wants to take this to trial. Seemed like she didn't want to, but I guess that's only if I totally submit to what she wants. She won't even pay me anything for the van I've sunk $20,000 into at this point.. and I don't care about a car anymore just my kid, but a contested divorce constantly hemorrhaging money I don't have projected to last over a year at this point.. I can't take being in limbo anymore.
I want to give up. Coparenting is hell. I've broken down and had some "emotional outbursts" a few times. I've apologized every time but I get so exhausted being disrespected as a dad every day, my concerns dismissed and denied like I'm just "misremembering" or it's just some "difference in perspective". Tired of just being told, and I quote, "That's not true and you know it." Every. Single. Time. Makes me feel crazy even though I'm not. We subpoenaed outpatient records and it confirms her mental diagnoses. Also learned she was making up that I was emotionally abusive/verbally abusive. Broke my heart because this was weeks before I filed she said this, and that entire time I was blaming MYSELF for how she cut off contact. The hospital she was admitted to for her suicide STILL has not complied to our subpoena, it's all a mess because the admitting psychiatrist happened to be one of the doctors I was working with during my rotation so there was a COI, and I'm almost positive the hospital is covering their butts since they didn't report this to DHR at the time.. I know that doctor was trying to help me by not disrupting our family so I don't blame him..
I'm just lost. I've lost so much weight. I'm alone my closest family is also about 200 miles away. Somehow I guess I've "managed" to be a single dad for the last 6 months. Got some great foster parents as baby sitters for 2 weeks of a 4th year hospital rotation I had. Other than that everything has been zoom rotations. My dean is going to talk with me soon for an update. I was really hoping to take STEP 2 before the end of this year before things get too busy and before I forget too much of MS3, but needless to say I've barely done any studying.. also that exam would be around $600 - $1,000 which I don't have. I don't even have enough money to cover rent this month so I'm going to have to ask family for help again (and thank God for them its only because of all my family's help that I've been able to remotely afford any of the legalities).
I just feel like my life is over. I don't even know if I can be a doctor anymore. I love medicine. I love helping others and caring for them. My emotional health was the best those 4 weeks I was back in the hospital during this divorce (but I was exhausted too waking up at 430am to get my son to the sitters, go to work, then go home at 6pm to fix dinner, talk with my awful ex at 7pm, then get my son and I to bed). The holidays have been hard. Ex wife had son for Thanksgiving but insisted she had 3 weeks rather than 2 which means I had to litigate.. because of how it works she still had him 3 weeks as the judge only just took action. I'm positive by the end of this week when the judge finalizes his ruling it will be in my favor and I'll get "repaid" that lost week, but it's a hollow win.
I can't keep fighting with my ex. But I have to. I have to fight to be a dad, but I'm exhausted. I am buried in debt and at this point feel like I should just declare bankruptcy. My credit is already ruined. Perfect payment history messed up a few months back. She won't pay child support.. so that's another thing I'll have to pay my attorney to argue in court. Then there's the sympathy card she will play as a "struggling mom" even though by the law I am owed child support. So the judge could deviate and I may not even get support. I've accepted when I'm a resident I'll pay her some support, but I am so tired of all these burdens that are so heavy.. people call me strong. A classmate said I was somehow their "hero" for balancing marriage, fatherhood, and medical school. Well I'm divorcing and I certainly don't feel like a hero.. I feel like a failure who can't keep it all together anymore.
I am sorry for the long post. MS4 is supposed to be the fun year.. I'll be honest, I've had really dark times the last 6 months. Took Welbutrin for a few months to help me through some of the acute stress and depression. I would have already offed myself long ago if it weren't for my son.. but I don't even know what I'm doing. I've thankfully had happy times these last 6 months, though few, but I feel I can't really have those times because there's this mountain of impossible problems that needs solving and I've already lost 6 months of my life to it. I don't want to lose anymore time, but I also can't make divorce go any faster. I can't make it cost any less. Psychological evaluations are $5,000 and depositions are $2,000. Trial Lord knows how much that will be.
How is one person supposed to do all of this? My family just tell me to do a little a day every day when I say I'm overwhelmed.. and sure that's how you get through MS1, MS2, MS3. But I just literally don't think I can do all this by myself. I'll lose my son if I can't do it, so I have to, but something has to give. I can't keep paying over $1,000/mo just on stupid debts. I don't know how bankruptcy works, just pretty sure it will screw my life for 20 years or something, but at this point I have to drop something (debts, my son, school, self care, legal) and the debts seem to be the only thing I can afford to maybe drop. I can't lose my kid, I can't lose my career, I can't just drop the legal stuff, and I've sacrificed self care so much already. Rarely shower, not exercising, barely eat (I try to make sure my son has food and I eat like a bird).
Haven't posted here in a while. Life has felt in shambles for the last 6 months and I seriously don't know if I can keep going. I'm overwhelmed and medical school seems the least of my worries but I know if I don't somehow pull it together things will only get worse.
End of MS3 was highlighted by divorce for me. Married my ex wife middle of MS1, we got pregnant, let's just say she was emotionally abusive during pregnancy and manipulated me into making a number of bad decisions.
1)Guilted me into using my $20,000 school stipend on purchasing a $16,000 vehicle for her (titled it in both our names as a family car, but she's always treated it as HER car)
2)Left me then blackmailed me with our unborn kid and the marriage into taking out a $12,000 loan to take her on vacations and buy a new expensive wedding ring
3)We had to downsize to a 1 bedroom start of MS3 and I had to take out another $8,000 loan just to keep up with expenses and loan payments
4)She rarely worked during the marriage and never helped financially. I maxed out my credit cards paying for the L&D bill, other medical bills, buying things for the baby, paying for repairs on the vehicle I bought
So now I'm just struggling. I filed for divorce when she took our 1 year old for a trip to the grandparents and then when it came time to come home she cut off contact for 3 weeks and our child missed his 15 month pediatrician appointment. I couldn't take continuing to beg and seeing her hurting our son with these confusing emotionally abusive decisions. Not to mention other major concerns I had (5 months before this she had attempted suicide and told me over the last year she was having intrusive thoughts of molesting our son).
Since filing it has been hell. I pushed through my OB/GYN rotation (final rotation of 3rd year) and almost honored my shelf, but just another pass. I failed STEP 1 on my first attempt (caring for a newborn and my awful marriage I did not prepare well enough). Managed to pass everything during MS3 even earned a High Pass on Internal Medicine. I was planning to take STEP 2 when all the divorce stuff started. Decided to cancel when our first emergency hearing to establish custody was set for the day before my exam.
Been in communication with my school. They've been understanding, and basically we decided I'd delay applying for residency this cycle just take easier coursework to settle all this out and basically be a 5 year graduate. I wanted to be MedPeds but I'm thinking I'll just do Family Medicine because I know our local program director and hopefully if I can be in their program it won't require me to move simplifying custody issues.
I'm just so exhausted from everything. 2 years ago when my wife first left and we reconciled I was so close to divorcing. I just couldn't because it was raw, I didn't know how I could be an involved father divorcing while my ex wife was pregnant, and I really didn't want everyone's life getting ruined. I tried so hard to make it work. I grew up in a divorced home with a single parent. I witnessed physical abuse. I just wanted things to be good and healthy and provide for my family. It's taken a lot for me to even fully accept I was truly abused. My family, friends, and therapists have said so, but being a guy you still get people doubting etc. My ex wife was so subtle with it too she weaponized her family to send me physical threats rather than doing it herself to maintain plausible deniability (but I saw private Facebook messages she sent to family and she was laughing at me getting threatened by her brother, so I know she both asked him to do it and was aware/happy he did).
I guess I'm just posting this looking for support or advise or something. I've been using ChatGPT to analyze a lot of my relationship which has helped a lot with the lingering gaslighting. Something about the AI pointing out and validating my suspicions independently helped in a way family or friends pointing it out just didn't. I was seeking full custody at the start because of how she took my son away, was denying her mental illness, and making so many poor parenting decisions for him. She even tried to get me arrested alleging false DV when she attempted to force moving back in with me after temporarily losing custody due to the very far distance she took our son (grandparents live over 300 miles away and she initially tried to push she deserved full custody as the "primary caregiver", then wanted to do 50/50 alternating weeks living that far but there's a 150 mile rule for 50/50).
Needless to say I don't trust my ex at all, was paranoid and on edge. Preserved my reputation and avoided jail by video recording the incident she alleged I "shoved her". Things were crazy. I've spent over $25,000 on legal costs. Our mediation failed. After things had settled down and I prayed a lot, I offered to settle 50/50 custody provided she would agree to mandatory therapy for her mental condition, but she refused that she "didn't need therapy". We are both broke. She works 2 jobs told us at mediation she didn't have the money to keep going but insisted on caring for the child 300 miles away. I don't know why she wants to take this to trial. Seemed like she didn't want to, but I guess that's only if I totally submit to what she wants. She won't even pay me anything for the van I've sunk $20,000 into at this point.. and I don't care about a car anymore just my kid, but a contested divorce constantly hemorrhaging money I don't have projected to last over a year at this point.. I can't take being in limbo anymore.
I want to give up. Coparenting is hell. I've broken down and had some "emotional outbursts" a few times. I've apologized every time but I get so exhausted being disrespected as a dad every day, my concerns dismissed and denied like I'm just "misremembering" or it's just some "difference in perspective". Tired of just being told, and I quote, "That's not true and you know it." Every. Single. Time. Makes me feel crazy even though I'm not. We subpoenaed outpatient records and it confirms her mental diagnoses. Also learned she was making up that I was emotionally abusive/verbally abusive. Broke my heart because this was weeks before I filed she said this, and that entire time I was blaming MYSELF for how she cut off contact. The hospital she was admitted to for her suicide STILL has not complied to our subpoena, it's all a mess because the admitting psychiatrist happened to be one of the doctors I was working with during my rotation so there was a COI, and I'm almost positive the hospital is covering their butts since they didn't report this to DHR at the time.. I know that doctor was trying to help me by not disrupting our family so I don't blame him..
I'm just lost. I've lost so much weight. I'm alone my closest family is also about 200 miles away. Somehow I guess I've "managed" to be a single dad for the last 6 months. Got some great foster parents as baby sitters for 2 weeks of a 4th year hospital rotation I had. Other than that everything has been zoom rotations. My dean is going to talk with me soon for an update. I was really hoping to take STEP 2 before the end of this year before things get too busy and before I forget too much of MS3, but needless to say I've barely done any studying.. also that exam would be around $600 - $1,000 which I don't have. I don't even have enough money to cover rent this month so I'm going to have to ask family for help again (and thank God for them its only because of all my family's help that I've been able to remotely afford any of the legalities).
I just feel like my life is over. I don't even know if I can be a doctor anymore. I love medicine. I love helping others and caring for them. My emotional health was the best those 4 weeks I was back in the hospital during this divorce (but I was exhausted too waking up at 430am to get my son to the sitters, go to work, then go home at 6pm to fix dinner, talk with my awful ex at 7pm, then get my son and I to bed). The holidays have been hard. Ex wife had son for Thanksgiving but insisted she had 3 weeks rather than 2 which means I had to litigate.. because of how it works she still had him 3 weeks as the judge only just took action. I'm positive by the end of this week when the judge finalizes his ruling it will be in my favor and I'll get "repaid" that lost week, but it's a hollow win.
I can't keep fighting with my ex. But I have to. I have to fight to be a dad, but I'm exhausted. I am buried in debt and at this point feel like I should just declare bankruptcy. My credit is already ruined. Perfect payment history messed up a few months back. She won't pay child support.. so that's another thing I'll have to pay my attorney to argue in court. Then there's the sympathy card she will play as a "struggling mom" even though by the law I am owed child support. So the judge could deviate and I may not even get support. I've accepted when I'm a resident I'll pay her some support, but I am so tired of all these burdens that are so heavy.. people call me strong. A classmate said I was somehow their "hero" for balancing marriage, fatherhood, and medical school. Well I'm divorcing and I certainly don't feel like a hero.. I feel like a failure who can't keep it all together anymore.
I am sorry for the long post. MS4 is supposed to be the fun year.. I'll be honest, I've had really dark times the last 6 months. Took Welbutrin for a few months to help me through some of the acute stress and depression. I would have already offed myself long ago if it weren't for my son.. but I don't even know what I'm doing. I've thankfully had happy times these last 6 months, though few, but I feel I can't really have those times because there's this mountain of impossible problems that needs solving and I've already lost 6 months of my life to it. I don't want to lose anymore time, but I also can't make divorce go any faster. I can't make it cost any less. Psychological evaluations are $5,000 and depositions are $2,000. Trial Lord knows how much that will be.
How is one person supposed to do all of this? My family just tell me to do a little a day every day when I say I'm overwhelmed.. and sure that's how you get through MS1, MS2, MS3. But I just literally don't think I can do all this by myself. I'll lose my son if I can't do it, so I have to, but something has to give. I can't keep paying over $1,000/mo just on stupid debts. I don't know how bankruptcy works, just pretty sure it will screw my life for 20 years or something, but at this point I have to drop something (debts, my son, school, self care, legal) and the debts seem to be the only thing I can afford to maybe drop. I can't lose my kid, I can't lose my career, I can't just drop the legal stuff, and I've sacrificed self care so much already. Rarely shower, not exercising, barely eat (I try to make sure my son has food and I eat like a bird).
