Divorce

[BobbySinger]

I decided to ask if anyone has been through a similar situation. Long story short, my wife and I are getting a divorce (three weeks before dedicated is causing some stress). I have consulted a lawyer and asked questions, but I am not a fan of the fees.

My wife and I share no assets, children, etc. Yet, she doesn’t want the divorce. She still wants to work on our marriage and I do not. Is it possible to file for a contested divorce yourself? I was reading online and apparently some clerk offices offer packets that you can fill out yourself? I was unsure if this was a possibility but I am trying to avoid a $5k fee. I'm willing to work with her on any and all things, but I can't say the same for her. Any help would be appreciated.

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[Goro]

Very sorry to hear about this, but I don't think that SDN is the place for good legal advice.

 

[WhittyPsyche]

I decided to ask if anyone has been through a similar situation. Long story short, my wife and I are getting a divorce (three weeks before dedicated is causing some stress). I have consulted a lawyer and asked questions, but I am not a fan of the fees.

My wife and I share no assets, children, etc. Yet, she doesn’t want the divorce. She still wants to work on our marriage and I do not. Is it possible to file for a contested divorce yourself? I was reading online and apparently some clerk offices offer packets that you can fill out yourself? I was unsure if this was a possibility but I am trying to avoid a $5k fee. I'm willing to work with her on any and all things, but I can't say the same for her. Any help would be appreciated.

This varies by county. Go down to your applicable county— if you moved make sure you have met the residency requirement for your proceedings to be handled there. Typically there are “in-house” attorneys that you can request and will represent you and your spouse separately and you can negotiate a divorce same day or get an appointment set. If she is unwilling, even after getting the representative there you can ask for help with the forms and get a court date/settlement conference date instead.

Go down and ask questions. They’ll point you in the necessary direction.

You may decide you do need a private lawyer in the end. I did not use a privately hired one for my own divorce nor did my spouse.

 

[deleted966837]

Can this wait until after you take step? Two major life events happening simultaneously is probably best avoided.

 

[BobbySinger]

This varies by county. Go down to your applicable county— if you moved make sure you have met the residency requirement for your proceedings to be handled there. Typically there are “in-house” attorneys that you can request and will represent you and your spouse separately and you can negotiate a divorce same day or get an appointment set. If she is unwilling, even after getting the representative there you can ask for help with the forms and get a court date/settlement conference date instead.

Go down and ask questions. They’ll point you in the necessary direction.

You may decide you do need a private lawyer in the end. I did not use a privately hired one for my own divorce nor did my spouse.

Thank you so much. I will definitely check to see if this is a possibility. Again, thank you for the information.

 

[BobbySinger]

Can this wait until after you take step? Two major life events happening simultaneously is probably best avoided.

I wish that were the case. With current events and everything at hand now is the best time, sadly.

 

[WhittyPsyche]

I wish that were the case. With current events and everything at hand now is the best time, sadly.

You can also just start the separation process and see if you can secure separate living arrangements so you can get through dedicated and Step 1 before/ and if it turns ugly. If it is as contested as you make it sound then you should prepare for this to take months. So you might as well focus on studying and just getting your ducks in a row for the divorce in the meantime.

 

[Yankee845]

I wish that were the case. With current events and everything at hand now is the best time, sadly.

I agree with waiting. Maybe it's not my place to say (or impossible to do so with such limited information), but you may change your mind once things stabilize a little. I know myself, and I'm sure many people would agree, that we aren't really ourselves leading up to such a high stakes exam like the step 1.

 

[Redpancreas]

Agree with what everyone's posted. As Goro said, there's nothing we can do to advise you re: the divorce situation given the limited information as others have pointed out. Just reading this I get the gist you're not willing to bend on anything. You want the divorce to happen NOW (again I don't know the circumstances ), you're looking to avoid fees, and you're worried about it affecting dedicated. You're not going to be balance out all these competing interests. Figure out whether timing of the divorce, legal fees, or USMLE means the most and just prioritize that.

 

[Lem0nz]

Divorce is at the very best a 3 month process when you both agree, both want it, both don't want lawyers, and are both happy you're getting divorced. Even with absolutely no assets or children or really anything. Most places its at least 6 month process because they make you wait from the time of filing to the time you can go to court and finalize the process. Realistically, if any single piece is contested (and if your wife doesn't want it but you do), you are looking at no less than six months and probably closer to a year.

As others have said, there is zero reason to rush this and not just finish your step exam. You will not accomplish it any faster no matter what you do. The ABSOLUTE FASTEST place in the country is 6 weeks I believe and you both have to be residents and have absolutely. zero. issues. You have issues. It is not going to happen.

Just being honest friend.

 

[SurfingDoctor]

Definitely lucked out with no kids or shared assets.

Best of luck.

 

[Maimonides1]

Hate to be facetious.., but you could after going through the didactic Physiology, psychology and behavioral science.. etc.., gain a positive light about the whole thing "marriage" or the tortuous studying process make it all more bearable to live with..!

AVOID it at all costs now.., calm down study, take you test, and then make a clear decision thereafter.

 

[hsk013]

I agree with others on waiting till after Step 1. Unfortunately, Step 1 won't be P/F till January 2022.

 

[trapperjohn4077]

I am really amazed by how many people are advising putting off the divorce until after step without any information at all. What a reckless thing to suggest. I'm guessing this is a pretty bad situation; it very well could be that getting it done now improves his ability to study for step. Maybe his wife is abusive, an addict, a criminal, or has some other serious issue that makes the continuation of the marriage untenable.

I don't have any advice or experience to help with this. But, good luck with everything OP.

 

[WhittyPsyche]

I am really amazed by how many people are advising putting off the divorce until after step without any information at all. What a reckless thing to suggest. I'm guessing this is a pretty bad situation; it very well could be that getting it done now improves his ability to study for step. Maybe his wife is abusive, an addict, a criminal, or has some other serious issue that makes the continuation of the marriage untenable.

I don't have any advice or experience to help with this. But, good luck with everything OP.

I also advised beginning separation and getting aerate living arrangements. The fact is, even if his wife is all of those things, he will likely be going through the divorce long after dedicated even if he starts now.

I am guessing you have not gone through a divorce. If she is contesting and is anything but an angel it will take a long time. The most amicable divorces can take a year. A friend of mine just finished his after almost 4 years, my own took 2.

Often we have to make hard decisions and put our well-being first. In OP’s case this life changing exam may very well need to supersede the legal divorce. Though he should do everything he can to secure peace of mind in the meantime.

 

[michaelrack]

I decided to ask if anyone has been through a similar situation. Long story short, my wife and I are getting a divorce (three weeks before dedicated is causing some stress). I have consulted a lawyer and asked questions, but I am not a fan of the fees.

My wife and I share no assets, children, etc. Yet, she doesn’t want the divorce. She still wants to work on our marriage and I do not. Is it possible to file for a contested divorce yourself? I was reading online and apparently some clerk offices offer packets that you can fill out yourself? I was unsure if this was a possibility but I am trying to avoid a $5k fee. I'm willing to work with her on any and all things, but I can't say the same for her. Any help would be appreciated.

well, u do currently share the asset of your future income as a physician....if u get divorced it wont be a simple no lawyer divorce

 

[Lem0nz]

I am really amazed by how many people are advising putting off the divorce until after step without any information at all. What a reckless thing to suggest. I'm guessing this is a pretty bad situation; it very well could be that getting it done now improves his ability to study for step. Maybe his wife is abusive, an addict, a criminal, or has some other serious issue that makes the continuation of the marriage untenable.

I don't have any advice or experience to help with this. But, good luck with everything OP.

We have advised OP with realistic advice and timelines from experience after going through a divorce.

It is not a quick process under literally any scenario. We do not need more information to give him that advice. You cannot get divorced faster than a few months and even that is wildly unrealistic for most people. A year in some states is even pushing it because there are mandatory waiting requirements in nearly every state. That doesn’t even account for how courts are processing things during Covid.

Maybe give us some credit in trying to offer some good faith advice which is what he asked for. Reckless would be telling him to go for it when people who have done it *know* without a shadow of a doubt it is a long and painful process even if you are still best friends with the other person and have zero disagreements. My ex girlfriend was married to a guy who raped her. It took six months and a lawyer and a lot of money. I was married to a wonderful saint of a woman who remains one of my best friends to this day. It took us six months without lawyers and zero disagreements. It is hard and time consuming. Please do not assume in the future. It’s not kind, this is a painful topic, and we are trying to help.

 

[DOgdad23]

Everyone will have a different experience, so I’ll share mine. I got divorced in 2nd year of medical school for reasons that I won’t disclose on a public forum. We used 1 lawyer to do the paperwork, it cost $1650, we separated assets and had all the papers signed 2 weeks after I moved out, our 30 day waiting period passed, waived our appearance in court, judge signed papers, divorce finalized. All in all, it took about 2 months, but neither of us wanted to go through a nasty divorce like both of our parents went through. I feel like I blinked and I was divorced. The only part that was taxing was the realization that all of the dreams you had together were crumbled with the stroke of the pen. I got a 94% in the block that I was in while I was going through the divorce. Everyone handles emotional stress differently. If I would’ve stayed in that environment I would have significantly struggled. FWIW, I left a high income earning spouse, we owned a $300K home together, no children, and your typical assets of a married couple. I’ve never felt more free, and the only thing I wish is that I would’ve done it earlier or just never married her. Pick your battles.

 

[Detailsmatter]

crunched for time and didn't read any of the replies but might be worth posting about your situation on the subreddit r/legaladvice. they're typically very helpful over there

 

[NickNaylor]

It sounds like your divorce is going to be contested, in which case you should consult with a family law attorney. Many legal practices will offer a free or relatively cheap consultation where they get the basics of your case and can advise you from there. You can likely find resources that will help you file a divorce for free, however those resources generally assume that your divorce is uncontested - i.e., that the two of you can divide up assets and agree to the terms of the divorce - which it sounds like may not be the case in your situation.

Consider divorce counseling - sounds weird, but a lot of marriage/family therapists offer this specifically to make the divorce process more amicable and may facilitate you completing the divorce without the work of attorneys. Ultimately, though, you really should consider hiring attorney even if the cost may be high as you potentially have a lot to lose if you’re not careful about what you’re agreeing to in the terms of your divorce. The rights of divorced spouses vary widely by state, and you really should rely on legal counsel to advise you on the particulars of your situation.

 

[Mad Jack]

I decided to ask if anyone has been through a similar situation. Long story short, my wife and I are getting a divorce (three weeks before dedicated is causing some stress). I have consulted a lawyer and asked questions, but I am not a fan of the fees.

My wife and I share no assets, children, etc. Yet, she doesn’t want the divorce. She still wants to work on our marriage and I do not. Is it possible to file for a contested divorce yourself? I was reading online and apparently some clerk offices offer packets that you can fill out yourself? I was unsure if this was a possibility but I am trying to avoid a $5k fee. I'm willing to work with her on any and all things, but I can't say the same for her. Any help would be appreciated.

Depends on the state. Look up your state's divorce laws to see what the procedures are, some are very easy while others are a nightmare to do on your own. When in doubt, consult with a lawyer

 

[Tenk]

Get a lawyer. You’re insane not to if you’re the future breadwinner.

 

[bopper]

Consult with a lawyer ASAP. Find out if your state requires separations. Find out the impact of divorcing before or after you get a job as a doctor.

 

[DokterMom]

well, u do currently share the asset of your future income as a physician....if u get divorced it wont be a simple no lawyer divorce

Maybe you do, and maybe you don't. Thing is, the best way to find out the applicable laws for your state and your situation is to consult with an attorney. A good attorney may be the best money you could ever spend - seriously - if it gets you divorced expediently and with no adverse consequences later.
Without real estate or other significant assets and without children things are much simpler than they otherwise might be. Letting her have 100% of the wedding gifts instead of 50% is just not that big a deal, so even if you lose, at this point, with capable legal advice, you don't lose much.

One dead serious piece of advice -- Keep it in your pants. The absolute very last thing you want now is an accidental (or "accidental") pregnancy complicating matters.