Divorcing before match/graduation

[Histo-Lad]

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TL;DR - Divorcing before graduation. Terrified of stigma and lost support in residency and beyond and want some advice or reassurance.

4th year graduating this spring and going through a divorce after 10 years of marriage. My spouse treated me like dirt, didn't appreciate all I did and refused to change until I said I want out. I did all (yes, I mean ALL) of the housework, paid most of our bills with my student loans and working part time, did all the date planning and romantic encounters, provided tremendous emotional/physical support for her struggles but didn't receive much support for mine. Now she's promising to make all the changes I begged for for years (helping w/ chores, providing support, go to couples counseling, etc), but I feel like it's too late.

I don't love my location right now and will not live here long term, but I'm fortunate to live in a place with lots of good people who made medical school and my divorce tolerable. I literally could not have survived without them.

Now I'm looking at residency options and I don't know what to do. I'm pretty estranged from my family and don't have interviews near them anyway, so I'm kind of stuck with two options with my match list.

1. Nearby program*
*Definition of a meh, middle-of-the-road program.
Pros:
- Near friends/valuable social support/future love interests
- Good pay/benefits
- Near guarantee to match here if I asked PD
- Decent/good culture. Overall, a fairly safe bet.

Cons:
- Significant decrease in program prestige. Some decrease in quality of education compared to other options.
- Don't like the city and would leave immediately for fellowship
- More difficult to move to desirable places for fellowship. This is a major sticking point for me, because it's possible but not a guarantee for desirable fellowship in a desirable area.

2. Far away programs*
*About 6-7 in total that I would define as desirable in educational quality, pay, and location.
Pros:
- Very desirable location(s) I would stay in after residency. Visited/lived in these locations before and familiar with the areas.
- Many are "top tier" in educational quality.
- None are known for toxic cultures. Good interview vibes all around.
- Decent/good pay and benefits

Cons:
- Absolutely no social support, know no one in these cities, fear of being alone
- Almost all are very far across the country, headache to move to.
- Lots of unknown variables on who my co-residents are

I'm confused and time is running out. I know things will work out either way, but what is the more correct decision here?

 

[thumbz]

Recently divorced as an attending, so here is some insight. There isn't stigma, in medicine half of us are divorced. Literally not once have I felt judged for it, especially as the guy.

I would go far away. Residency is SO BUSY your social support is the hospital and the people in your program. Some of my closest friends now (6 years post residency) continue to be my co-residents. Most of my other friends have completely fallen off.

I moved to a brand new city 10 hours away from anyone I knew, making friends was not hard at all. Granted they're almost all hospital folks but it works for me. I also loved this location and stayed on.

Also - for me it was invaluable that my ex moved states after our divorce. Being away from your ex and from the people that knew you two as a couple may actually make life so much easier on you. In the long run I suspect you'll be so much happier being in a new city in a location that you think you're gonna love to start this new (and incredibly) stressful chapter of your life.

Don't underestimate how stressful the divorce process is going to be too. Mine was an overall easy divorce and it was still horrible

 

[LunaOri]

Go far away! Make a new start!

 

[operaman]

Agree with above. Fresh start.

Also be sure to ask your attorney about graduation timing and your state laws re medical degrees as marital assets. Last thing you need is her claiming half your career earnings.

 

[Hollow Knight]

So I just got divorced. I was pretty much a wreck emotionally for a good while. I will say, eventually, your mood will improve as a result of getting that toxic individual out of your life. I’m much happier now.

One of the things that helped me a lot was a friend of mine (who is quite a bit older than me) looking at me and saying “Nobody cares.” And what he meant was, from a stigma standpoint- honestly, nobody cares at all. I’m fairly religious and none of the people in my faith community thought less of me. So don’t worry about that. I’ve found that advice to be spot on. You’ll start residency fresh soon and nobody will even know you had been married.

Also…. get a good lawyer ASAP and make sure alimony or any of that isn’t on the table.

 

[Histo-Lad]

Thanks for the support everyone.

Update: my wife threatened to kill herself because I'm leaving. She hates me for this, but I took her to an emergency department and she's hospitalized now.

I'm unwell but surviving and have more interviews this week and want to cancel and curl up in a ball and disappear. Thankfully, I have a therapy appointment on Friday, although I wish it was sooner.

Med school has consistently felt like I'm playing on hard mode and I'm excited to move on, although this has made me consider more that I need my friends and should stick around. I have no idea what I'll do in a new city with zero support. Also looking into which programs have mental health support for residents since I think that's becoming a higher priority now.

 

[LunaOri]

Hang in there! Being close to familiar places and friends is good if you can count on them for support, but not good if they will take sides against you or bring up bad memories.

 

[chssoccer7]

Thanks for the support everyone.

Update: my wife threatened to kill herself because I'm leaving. She hates me for this, but I took her to an emergency department and she's hospitalized now.

I'm unwell but surviving and have more interviews this week and want to cancel and curl up in a ball and disappear. Thankfully, I have a therapy appointment on Friday, although I wish it was sooner.

Med school has consistently felt like I'm playing on hard mode and I'm excited to move on, although this has made me consider more that I need my friends and should stick around. I have no idea what I'll do in a new city with zero support. Also looking into which programs have mental health support for residents since I think that's becoming a higher priority now.

I know this seems like it sucks and it definitely can, but it can also be exciting. You get to establish a new friend and support group, explore a new place to live, (eventually) explore the dating scene if you want, or even just enjoy being single and doing whatever you want, when you want. You'll also get to experience the challenges of residency with nothing to worry about other than taking care of your mental health, which can be hard even in the best of times. You'll probably become very close with your co-residents who will be your most important support group. Moving around to new places was always my favorite part of the military because of this, it's always just another step in a journey. It's definitely tough, but it can be fun, too.

 

[Hollow Knight]

I know you know this but this isn’t your fault dude.

Good luck. This situation sucks.