Do Long-Distance Relationships Work!?

[mrbeanmd]

I've been dating this girl for 2.5 years in college...I'm about to head to med school and she's one year behind me at the same school. we really LOVE the time we spend with each other and everything feels perfect when we're together. We are very much in love and marriage is definitely a possibility.

Frankly, our time apart during summers has never been very pleasant and we're not terribly good at long-distance. After we've been apart a while we can't seem to find anything to talk about on the phone. But then we see each other again and everything's great...

The ISSUE!
I'm going to head off to med school...a mid-level med school...and she's extremely smart and will easily get into a top 5 program next year when she's applying. Trust me, I know this. We are both from a top 3 undergrad and she will have her pick of med schools. She says that where I go to med school will definitely be a consideration when she decides where to go...but I don't want her to sacrifice her options to go to school near me. Similarly, you have to think about the future...I will be going to residency too in a different place...I don't expect her to just blindly follow me wherever I go! This is not fair to her...and what if it all falls apart? I would never want her to say, look I sacrificed so much to be w/ this guy and it didn't work out. I would not let her pick UVA over Hopkins/Duke/Harvard...

I know the pre-emptive breakup is not ideal in anyway, but neither is suffering through 4+ years of being apart with poor communication and infrequent visits since we'll both be very busy and in school. The other option is to stay together for this next year, see how her applications go...and then decide. (But I'm certain that they'll end up the way I've described them). She and I have discussed this issue and her reaction was that she's pretty sure that she will come to med school where I am...I don't want her to sacrifice her dreams! That's how much I care about this girl...that I'm willing to let her go so she can reach the highest stars...she deserves it and what she doesn't deserve is someone who may limit her possibilities! She's a gem, and I'll never find a girl like her again but I know that she'll have her pick of guys if I'm gone...higher achievers and people more talented than me with whom she'll be just as happy, too. Sorry to be so pessimistic but this is 100% true. Just writing this post has brought tears to my eyes...

I'm most interested in the responses from people who've dated people younger than them who are also going to med school...but feel free to chip in with some comments. I feel silly asking relationship advice on SDN...but I'm sure that some of you in similar situations can understand and not make fun of me for this.

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[0Complications]

I know some residencies make special considerations for married couples, but you're problem is med school. You should let her make her own decision, but a year apart is a loooooong time. It just depends on the two you.

You should be having this conversation with her, not us.

 

[littlealex]

Break up now.
I've been there. Gf got into a top med program, I'm a year behind and a 2nd tier applicant. Broke up because doing long distance for that long just isn't practical.

You're still young. Enjoy your bachelorhood. Go meet some more girls and get it out of your system, else you'd regret it when you're 40.

 

[Abilene85]

I just broke things off with my SO of almost 3 years. We are a 9hr drive apart - me in med school and him in a PhD program. I had to admit that long distance was not working. I didn't know if it was going to divide our relationship in another month or in another year, but since I love him and didn't think it was fair to keep living in a fantasy and stringing him along, I let him go. It was a tough decision, but I believe the right one. Just not the right time for us.

If you two are really in love, you can try to work something out. She seems very willing to compromise to make things work. I know you wouldn't want to limit her choice of medical school, but she seems to love you more than the chance to go to a top school. Just talk to her about your options.

 

[magwi11]

Some thoughts:
1.) Long distance relationships work for some people, but not for others. My boyfriend and I have made it through insane distances (China to Boston, DC to Iraq) but I recognize that we're a special case. If you feel strongly that your summers apart didn't work for you, than that's not a good indicator, but not really proof either, since a lot can change in a year. If you love this girl it's worth a shot, the worse case is that you end up broken up anyway, so why not take the chance.

2.) Take a moment to get yourself out of the rankings obsession perspective. While there are some opportunities that a top five school might provide that a mid-tier school would not, you still get to be a doctor after you graduate from Harvard or UVA. So she wouldn't be "giving up her dreams" if she chose a lower ranked school to be with you. People in relationships compromise, that's the only way that it works. If you two are still together in four years, you may have to compromise and think about her when ranking residency programs (i.e. pick only big cities where she would have plenty of options) Would you be willing to do that?

3.) Quality of life has to be a factor in the decisions that you make, so if she knows herself well enough to know that she will be happier with you than without you, choosing to be with you over going to Duke is a rational choice. If she's as bright as you say she'll be successful in her career either way, but maybe she considers you that "I'll never find another one..." as well.

As someone that has been in a similar situation (I graduated a year after my boyfriend, although we are not both medical school bound) the preemptive breakup when you clearly don't want to is putting the cart before the horse. If this girl has already expressed a willingness to comprimise, that means that she wants to be with you, and she DOES NOT want to hear all this "Don't give up your dreams" crap, I promise. To the girl in this situation that sounds like, "this is a nice time for me to end this without having to feel guilty, because I am doing it for YOU!" I'm not saying that everything will work out sunshine and happiness, but it could work out, and if you think that this is the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with, it's worth the shot.

 

[armybound]

It's hard to give advice on someone else's relationship, but I can share my own experience.

My wife and I went to the same undergrad and got together as freshmen. Our first summer apart was very rocky, but they got better in time. We learned to communicate really well and looked forward to the next time we'd get to see each other without having major issues in between. Staying busy, as you'll both be in med school, was a big part of that. You don't have time to sit around and be bummed about how much you miss your SO.

After undergrad, she went off to a very good school for a PhD and I stuck around at our undergrad to do a masters. She was obviously a far better candidate than I was. We stayed together for the 1.5 years it took me to finish my MS. I'd fly to see her typically every 4-6 weeks and stay 3-5 days each time, which was the saving grace for our relationship. We also decided that we'd get through it no matter what, and there was little pressure to constantly fix the relationship, since we accepted the distance and knew it's just something we had to get through.

We ended up getting married as soon as I finished my MS and we're living together now while I wait to hear back from med schools. As I mentioned, she goes to a top school and I'm not the strongest applicant, so more than likely we'll end up apart again once I get in to a medical school. We both agreed a long time ago that education is extremely important to us, as is our relationship, and we'd take 4 years apart for the benefit of our education. After all, we'll have 50+ years together once it's over, and the education is worth it.

It's not easy, and I'm sure being separated and married will be harder than what we've been through, but I think if you make a commitment to each other and make yourself see the light at the end of the tunnel, you should have enough motivation to take the difficulty in stride and push forward with the relationship.

Hope this helps.

 

[Geekchick921]

You seem to really love this girl. I love to see that.

Thing is, you can't force her to go to Hopkins or Yale if she gets accepted there and wants to be closer to you. I'm willing to bet, if she feels as strongly for you as you do for her, she'll be "happier" if she's at a mid-tier school with you, than if she was at a top-10 school a thousand miles away. It'll ultimately be her decision.

That said, if she does wind up at another medical school than you, and you stay together, there is such a thing as the Couples Match, which does its damndest to place serious/engaged/married couples, siblings, best friends, etc. (whoever enters into it really) into residency programs in the same city, if not the same hospital. I'm not sure if you can do it with different years, but she could rank residency programs in the city where you are on the top of her list. But I'm sure you don't like the idea of spending 5 years away from her first.

My suggestion, based on your poll responses, is to wait a year and see how things go. I hate to say this, but there's a chance you might not even be together by that time, so the situation will answer itself. But you can see how you handle the next year apart, first. I wish you both the best of luck.

 

[zuzu714]

I'm going to echo some of the previous points but I like throwing my 2 cents in, and I know from experience the more you hear something, the more reassured you can feel.

So my situation: I am actually two years older than my SO, so we've been doing the long distance thing for a while now (RI to DC, I try to go visit him once every 4-5 weeks, though its been harder lately with apps and interviews) and I have to say open and blunt conversations are key from the start. We're similar in that neither of us is extremely talkative and phone conversations just dont substitute for quality time, making the distance a big issue. BUT by talking about future goals early and often, the relatively short term separation (in the grand scheme of hopefully 50+ more years to go in life) is just another pesky little challenge like your pre-med courses or time spent prepping for the MCAT that will payoff big by helping you to reach your ultimate goals.

The twist in my situation, I did not apply to med school right away and instead did a 2-year master's program (for my own personal reasons). While it was not a main reason, I have to say it is helpful that we are now on the same timeline, both applying to medical schools this application cycle. If you two make it through the first year, and are really gunning for a couples match later on, you could always contribute to the compromise pool and do a year of research or something between years 2 and 3 (totally doable, and could help boost your resume for matching), so you'll both be applying for residencies together, and can really make the final decisions as a team. Yay teamwork!

That being said, if you have talked the issue to death and she still REALLY wants to be with you at your med school instead of a "higher ranked" one, then that is awesome and you should be happy together! Having gone through this process with my bf (who I will straight up admit is smarter than me) and looking at name brand med schools for him, not so name brand schools for me, etc we've found that really there isn't a huge difference and he prefers a "lower ranked" school better anyway. It's all about being a good fit, not just a good name.

Anywho good luck and have faith everything will work out for the best whatever that best might be.

 

[VoiceofReason]

should probably get married. or at least have some kids

 

[Maxprime]

There's no reason to sit on the phone for hours & talk about nothing. Good for you for not letting her decide based on you.

Give it a shot - worst case scenario is you break up when you're a few hours away from each other compared to breaking up when you're in the same room.

Your schedules will both suck and you'll rarely get to see each other, but if the feelings are there then it works for some people.

 

[FinchHead]

Make her drop out and come with you. If the relationship doesn't work out, no skin off your back.

 

[VoiceofReason]

Make her drop out and come with you. If the relationship doesn't work out, no skin off your back.

lol

 

[RPedigo]

I was in a similar situation, dating a girl who graduated a year ahead of me in undergrad, went on to a PhD program on the other side of the country. We decided it would be best to preemptively break up because there's a chance we wouldn't be near each other for the next four or so years (longer, given possibility of not being near each other during my residency, or her postdoctoral position). We're great friends now, and was a really good decision in hindsight since I don't think long distance for that duration ever really works out. It's a crappy situation to be in, good luck.

 

[Corker]

I've been dating this girl for 2.5 years in college...I'm about to head to med school and she's one year behind me at the same school. we really LOVE the time we spend with each other and everything feels perfect when we're together. We are very much in love and marriage is definitely a possibility.

Frankly, our time apart during summers has never been very pleasant and we're not terribly good at long-distance. After we've been apart a while we can't seem to find anything to talk about on the phone. But then we see each other again and everything's great...

The ISSUE!
I'm going to head off to med school...a mid-level med school...and she's extremely smart and will easily get into a top 5 program next year when she's applying. Trust me, I know this. We are both from a top 3 undergrad and she will have her pick of med schools. She says that where I go to med school will definitely be a consideration when she decides where to go...but I don't want her to sacrifice her options to go to school near me. Similarly, you have to think about the future...I will be going to residency too in a different place...I don't expect her to just blindly follow me wherever I go! This is not fair to her...and what if it all falls apart? I would never want her to say, look I sacrificed so much to be w/ this guy and it didn't work out. I would not let her pick UVA over Hopkins/Duke/Harvard...

I know the pre-emptive breakup is not ideal in anyway, but neither is suffering through 4+ years of being apart with poor communication and infrequent visits since we'll both be very busy and in school. The other option is to stay together for this next year, see how her applications go...and then decide. (But I'm certain that they'll end up the way I've described them). She and I have discussed this issue and her reaction was that she's pretty sure that she will come to med school where I am...I don't want her to sacrifice her dreams! That's how much I care about this girl...that I'm willing to let her go so she can reach the highest stars...she deserves it and what she doesn't deserve is someone who may limit her possibilities! She's a gem, and I'll never find a girl like her again but I know that she'll have her pick of guys if I'm gone...higher achievers and people more talented than me with whom she'll be just as happy, too. Sorry to be so pessimistic but this is 100% true. Just writing this post has brought tears to my eyes...

I'm most interested in the responses from people who've dated people younger than them who are also going to med school...but feel free to chip in with some comments. I feel silly asking relationship advice on SDN...but I'm sure that some of you in similar situations can understand and not make fun of me for this.

Oh my gosh...you're a doll. I can see why she wants to be with you.

BTW, your "lesser" success in school may not matter to her at all. She probably loves you for a million other reasons that are even more important to her than a perfect intellectual match....sweetness, loyalty, etc. Don't sell yourself short. If she wants to be with you, let her. If she's as great as you say and you're thinking of marrying her, I doubt she will ever regret her choices. Success in life can measured in many different ways OTHER than attending a top 5 medical school. Being with the man she loves may be just as important to her.

 

[DulyNoted]

I was in a similar situation, dating a girl who graduated a year ahead of me in undergrad, went on to a PhD program on the other side of the country. We decided it would be best to preemptively break up because there's a chance we wouldn't be near each other for the next four or so years (longer, given possibility of not being near each other during my residency, or her postdoctoral position). We're great friends now, and was a really good decision in hindsight since I don't think long distance for that duration ever really works out. It's a crappy situation to be in, good luck.

Best response you're going to get. You are both relatively inexperienced (based on the amount of time you've been together) and have little idea what (or where) your lives will be in 5 or 10 years. Let go, but know that it's going to be painful. Remain friends, talk semi-often, see other people, and use breaks from school for clandestine trysts in exotic locations if you are both single. If you're meant to be, you can always make the same sacrifice in the future which will be based on more experience/information. And what will you have missed out on? 1000 hours of phone conversations? From this male's perspective, that might even be a benefit.

To answer the title question, I would say no. In my limited experience, most people "doing" long distance for significant periods of time in their 20s are maladjusted, severely introverted, or otherwise "special." It almost always never works out, and the amount of frustration, loneliness, heartache, etc. hardly seems worth it.

Most importantly, don't "let" her make this sacrifice for you. That can only lead to problems in the future.

 

[dazlindz]

DulyNoted, your analysis of long distance couples is a little harsh and not at all true. I've done long distance for almost four years now, and it's worked (and i'm neither introverted, maladjusted, or "special"). I'd recommend just leaving things open ended and seeing how you feel next year about your relationship - I never planned to be in a long distance relationship, but we both wanted to stay together, so why fight that?

Also - let her make her own decisions. If she wants to be near you, then you're a really lucky guy. And then there's always the possibility of transferring to her institution. And if things don't work out, then they don't.

 

[DescentFan]

You, sir, are quite the charmer! I can learn a lot from you! Although I must say, however unpleasantly, the decision to let her go is probably best. And the least selfish. I always believed that one shouldn't worry whether this person will be the right one or not, b/c if he/she isn't, then someone else is.

So my two cents are to let her go laissez faire when it comes to her choice of medical schools. Give her guidance. Offer her your assistance. And who knows? Maybe one day you two will be back together again! But in the meantime, enjoy being single!

 

[oneandonlylo]

Success in life can measured in many different ways OTHER than attending a top 5 medical school. Being with the man she loves may be just as important to her.

It seems to me that the wide variety of opinions expressed here probably echo the varying extent to which people have seen/felt love succeed. I know I certainly do but here's why, quick story... I met a guy through my sister and we became really close friends instantly. We eventually developed feelings for each other but felt as though things could never be as we lived on opposite sides of the country. We eventually decided to try nonetheless and spent all of college flying back and forth across the country every few months. I'm not going to lie, it was awful to be so far from the person I loved. I got very lucky though... he was a year ahead of me in school and he moved out to NY to be with me when he graduated from college. We're getting married this May. Story doesn't end here though. I'm about to enter into my application year and he is just about to finish law school and take the bar... This is where I want to point out what Corker said. Cross my fingers I think so far I have good enough grades to go wherever I want to in the country. That said my decision as to where to go will definitely be strongly influenced by where he needs to be. I've learned through the long-distance experience that being together is incredibly important for me and I feel that its my choice as to whether or not to attend a "lesser" school if I want. As someone pointed out earlier, we'll all still be doctors in the end.

Here's my point: I want to be the best doctor I can be. In order to do that I need to be the best person I can be, which includes being the happiest I can be. I know that in the end I will benefit most from maintaining my relationship, which makes me happy and keeps me sane when things get tough. So to mrbean here's my advice... If you're both really in it, commit to making it work and I'm sure it will in the end. It will be tough, but you'll know its worth it. If not, and you don't feel as though the pain will be worth it for the reward (although I don't get that sense from your post) then I suppose you could cut your losses. As I see it though, the need to be apart in your case mostly stems from you not wanting her to go to a lesser school. If you can come to understand that this is her choice, and that if she chooses such it is a sign of her committment to you, then I see no reason for the two of you to have to be apart.

 

[pandulce321]

The bottom line is that if you love someone... you make it work. I dated my boyfriend for 3 years in college. For the last 1.5 years he has been in medical school 1200 miles away. I am currently applying to school, but I won't be able to get in where he is. We are making plans for him to take time off so we can coordinate our residency together. I am young... and the distance is very hard. However, there is no better feeling than getting off the plane after a month away from each other and seeing that person again. It makes the distance worth it. You have to decide how important this relationship is to you. I think that distance will strengthen a relationship that is meant to last, and ruin relationships that were never meant to be. You shouldn't have to see someone every waking moment to remain in love with them. You have to decide if its worth it to you.

 

[aaj117]

If i were you i'd be too afraid that she would resent me later for letting you affect her choice of where to go to school.

 

[DulyNoted]

DulyNoted, your analysis of long distance couples is a little harsh and not at all true. I've done long distance for almost four years now, and it's worked (and i'm neither introverted, maladjusted, or "special"). I'd recommend just leaving things open ended and seeing how you feel next year about your relationship - I never planned to be in a long distance relationship, but we both wanted to stay together, so why fight that?

We disagree then. And not to be an ass or anything, but there are questions that I always want to ask LDR people: How many hours a day do you spend on the phone? How many meals per week do you eat while on the phone? How much time do you spend socializing with others face to face in a given week? How many post-adolescent relationships have you had? Have you ever broken up with anyone?

My opinion is definitely harsh. But having seen lots of acquaintances become wrapped up in LDRs, you see the same recurring beliefs: Everyone thinks their person at the other end of the phone is worth the sacrifice, their relationship is somehow different or better, and that their sacrifices will have the rare 1 in 10, 1/100, or 1/1000 happy ending. They usually maintain their relationship by having only very limited social lives otherwise, all in the name of "making time" for their LDR SO. I've no real problem with it, honestly, but understand that everyone around you is going to think you're naive and expects it to blow up one day and for both parties to call the entire thing a mistake and waste of time.

If you're the exception to the rule, then congratulations. But most of these things (multi-year commitments apart with no certainty of being reunited in the immediate future) do not often seem to work out.

 

[seraph524]

We disagree then. And not to be an ass or anything, but there are questions that I always want to ask LDR people: How many hours a day do you spend on the phone? How many meals per week do you eat while on the phone? How much time do you spend socializing with others face to face in a given week? How many post-adolescent relationships have you had? Have you ever broken up with anyone?

My opinion is definitely harsh. But having seen lots of acquaintances become wrapped up in LDRs, you see the same recurring beliefs: Everyone thinks their person at the other end of the phone is worth the sacrifice, their relationship is somehow different or better, and that their sacrifices will have the rare 1 in 10, 1/100, or 1/1000 happy ending. They usually maintain their relationship by having only very limited social lives otherwise, all in the name of "making time" for their LDR SO. I've no real problem with it, honestly, but understand that everyone around you is going to think you're naive and expects it to blow up one day and for both parties to call the entire thing a mistake and waste of time.

If you're the exception to the rule, then congratulations. But most of these things (multi-year commitments apart with no certainty of being reunited in the immediate future) do not often seem to work out.

harsh, but blunt and realistic

 

[okgo2503]

Best response you're going to get. You are both relatively inexperienced (based on the amount of time you've been together) and have little idea what (or where) your lives will be in 5 or 10 years. Let go, but know that it's going to be painful. Remain friends, talk semi-often, see other people, and use breaks from school for clandestine trysts in exotic locations if you are both single. If you're meant to be, you can always make the same sacrifice in the future which will be based on more experience/information. And what will you have missed out on? 1000 hours of phone conversations? From this male's perspective, that might even be a benefit.

To answer the title question, I would say no. In my limited experience, most people "doing" long distance for significant periods of time in their 20s are maladjusted, severely introverted, or otherwise "special." It almost always never works out, and the amount of frustration, loneliness, heartache, etc. hardly seems worth it.

Most importantly, don't "let" her make this sacrifice for you. That can only lead to problems in the future.

Do not do this part. Every time you think you are getting over the pain of having to let go because of distance, this just renews the hurt all over again

 

[HBKDinobot]

Long distance never works... believe me I know.

 

[seraph524]

After reading all these threads in allo and now pre-allo...anybody ever wonder what their future will be like? It seems like college-->medical school kills relationships, and from allo threads, M1/M2--> clinical years kills relationships as well. Not to mention clinical years-->residency is even harder. Are the majority of us doomed to just wait until after residency?

 

[adam5aby]

don't do it

you better use this time to explore...HUMANITY.
people need to venture out from their relationships because after med school YOU'RE REALLY NOT GOING TO HAVE THE CHANCE to play the field.

 

[dazlindz]

We disagree then. And not to be an ass or anything, but there are questions that I always want to ask LDR people: How many hours a day do you spend on the phone? How many meals per week do you eat while on the phone? How much time do you spend socializing with others face to face in a given week? How many post-adolescent relationships have you had? Have you ever broken up with anyone?

hours on phone: about an hour a day, give or take
meals on phone: none. we have different phone plans, which means we call after 9pm
socializing with others face to face: a lot. i have a ton of activities and i'm in a sorority. i've always felt that my work ethic cut into my socializing more than my relationship did.
post-adolescent relationships: define post-adolescent? but i guess the answer would be very few
broken up with anyone: yes

hopefully that answers your questions =)

i'm not really bothered by the negativity - nobody i know has stayed past a year in a long distance relationship, and i wasn't really expecting to. but i think it's at least worth trying out and not dooming yourself from the start. and the great thing about dating a non-premed (sorry, OP) is that he's a lot more flexible about where he'll be working. and since we both like big cities, i guess we've got the certainty now of being reunited in the near future.

and you know what? if it ends up blowing up and not working, then at least i've had happy times and learned a bunch. you can't go about calling every relationship a waste of time just because it didn't last.

 

[mrbeanmd]

thanks to everyone who replied to this thread.
i won't let some experiences dictate what i should do but it is very nice to hear you experiences and how things have panned out...this does give me (us) a lot to consider and think about.

to those of you who think it should be reconsidered after a year...what do you think about the statement that the relationship should be ended preemptively on happy terms, while we have good memories, instead of a year of fighting or lackluster communication and ending it on a less happy note...this is HIGHLY circumstantial...I have faith in the relationship but it would be really unfortunate if it were to end that way.

certainly, some of your stories have given me great hope...and as my medical school decisions are coming in, i'll be giving them much thought.

regards

 

[RPedigo]

to those of you who think it should be reconsidered after a year...what do you think about the statement that the relationship should be ended preemptively on happy terms, while we have good memories, instead of a year of fighting or lackluster communication and ending it on a less happy note...

This was my exact reasoning for not staying together.

 

[J1515]

honestly, but understand that everyone around you is going to think you're naive and expects it to blow up one day and for both parties to call the entire thing a mistake and waste of time.

Ah, so they should break up because of what other people around them will think I love it. Keep the advice coming guys.

Who cares if the statistics show only 1 in 1039288563 LD relationships work. What if you're that 1? It's up to every individual to decide if it's for them. Taking the relationship advice of pre-meds who won't lift a finger for someone unless it betters their chances at a med school acceptance probably isn't the best idea.

 

[Phramgirl12]

I've been dating this girl for 2.5 years in college...I'm about to head to med school and she's one year behind me at the same school. we really LOVE the time we spend with each other and everything feels perfect when we're together. We are very much in love and marriage is definitely a possibility.

Frankly, our time apart during summers has never been very pleasant and we're not terribly good at long-distance. After we've been apart a while we can't seem to find anything to talk about on the phone. But then we see each other again and everything's great...

The ISSUE!
I'm going to head off to med school...a mid-level med school...and she's extremely smart and will easily get into a top 5 program next year when she's applying. Trust me, I know this. We are both from a top 3 undergrad and she will have her pick of med schools. She says that where I go to med school will definitely be a consideration when she decides where to go...but I don't want her to sacrifice her options to go to school near me. Similarly, you have to think about the future...I will be going to residency too in a different place...I don't expect her to just blindly follow me wherever I go! This is not fair to her...and what if it all falls apart? I would never want her to say, look I sacrificed so much to be w/ this guy and it didn't work out. I would not let her pick UVA over Hopkins/Duke/Harvard...

I know the pre-emptive breakup is not ideal in anyway, but neither is suffering through 4+ years of being apart with poor communication and infrequent visits since we'll both be very busy and in school. The other option is to stay together for this next year, see how her applications go...and then decide. (But I'm certain that they'll end up the way I've described them). She and I have discussed this issue and her reaction was that she's pretty sure that she will come to med school where I am...I don't want her to sacrifice her dreams! That's how much I care about this girl...that I'm willing to let her go so she can reach the highest stars...she deserves it and what she doesn't deserve is someone who may limit her possibilities! She's a gem, and I'll never find a girl like her again but I know that she'll have her pick of guys if I'm gone...higher achievers and people more talented than me with whom she'll be just as happy, too. Sorry to be so pessimistic but this is 100% true. Just writing this post has brought tears to my eyes...

I'm most interested in the responses from people who've dated people younger than them who are also going to med school...but feel free to chip in with some comments. I feel silly asking relationship advice on SDN...but I'm sure that some of you in similar situations can understand and not make fun of me for this.

In a similar situation with my bf who is about ready to apply to med-schools. Curious to know what happened?

 

[SisterDisco08]

I know this is an old thread, but just to add:

I know a couple who got married and lived apart for 2 or 3 years while she did her residency in Detroit and he finished his PhD in Indianapolis. After residency she moved back to Indiana for a Fellowship--and now the kicker is he got a job at a Detroit university and will be moving back here, so they're going to be apart for at least another year before she can move BACK here!

It gets complicated, but if it's meant to be, it's meant to be!

 

[SeminoleVesicle]

This is a ridiculous thread. There are much more important things than dreams, career, money, etc. If they really loved each other that much, they should have gone to the same medical school and stayed together. IMHO, the greatest possible achievement in our lives is to be respected and loved by our family members/significant other/kids.

 

[LRAccord624]

Every couple and every situation is different. My boyfriend and I have dated since high school- 7.5 years now. He is a year older than me so our relationship has looked like:

1.5 years together in hs
1 year apart while I was in hs and he was in college (3 hr drive)
3 years together in college
2.5 going on 3 years apart while I finished college, he got an MBA, and I started med school (2 years w/10 hour drive, this year is 4 hrs).

It's been a long road, but neither of us regrets our choices whatsoever. He plans to move in with me as soon as he can transfer within his company. Can't wait!

 

[dbeast]

I'd just like to know if OP's girlfriend actually got into a top 5 school. When you say you'd consider UVA a disappointment, that's a pretty bold statement.

 

[startswithb]

I know this is an old thread, but just to add:

I know a couple who got married and lived apart for 2 or 3 years while she did her residency in Detroit and he finished his PhD in Indianapolis. After residency she moved back to Indiana for a Fellowship--and now the kicker is he got a job at a Detroit university and will be moving back here, so they're going to be apart for at least another year before she can move BACK here!

It gets complicated, but if it's meant to be, it's meant to be!

This is true. Very common in double professional relationships. Honestly, it's to be expected. Even my parents had to do a 4 year distance/see each other on weekends relationship, 20 years into the marriage!

 

[Whiskeypunch]

.

 

[alpinebrook]

A long distance relationship is a silly thing to get involved in during your education. There are a couple billion women out there, trust me you'll find another one out there you enjoy spending time with and having sex with. She's not unique.

With that said, your relationship isn't necessarily doomed if you really want to keep at it. Mid-tier medical schools make you just as good of a physician as harvard, despite what the academic wankers like to believe. She might even get a scholarship there if her stats are as good as you think they are.

A realist if I ever saw one!

 

[alpinebrook]

IMHO, the greatest possible achievement in our lives is to be respected and loved by our family members/significant other/kids.

so true...

 

[Rachey]

Listen, you might as well give it a shot. My bf and I have been doing this for all of first and second year and we're making it so far. It's a lot of work, but if you have a pretty laptop and don't mind wasting lots of time on Facebook Video Chat Rounds, you'll be fine. Welcome to the club. :/

 

[isoquin]

The most important person to weigh in on this issue is going to be.... HER. Not random people on the internet you've never met and don't full appreciate your situation. Talk to her. See what she thinks. Stop worrying about what she'll think if things do happen to fall apart down the road since you can just ASK her what she thinks about that possibility. Open communication is going to be key here, as will frequent Skype sessions if you do plan on making it work. Besides, you could always transfer into her top med school if things do work out.