Does it really get better?

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HLxDrummer

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I'm an intern and I'm wondering if life really is better after residency. I love watching resuscitations and doing procedures but now that I'm the one responsible I feel like a complete idiot and have anxiety all the time. Obviously the attendings are there but we have a pretty big ED and they aren't always easy to find and I can't be running every single little thing by them. Next year for a few hours in the early morning it's just one resident running 30 beds and I'm terrified of that.

On top of it I feel like I'm literally at the hospital 24/7 and I haven't even done ICU or trauma yet. I have a 8 month old boy and wife at home that I miss every day.

Part of me thinks I'll be working a little less when I graduate and making more money and I'll be more confident but damn I feel pretty ****ty right now...
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It does get better. And though you might feel like an idiot now, better to be aware of your limitations than to be an overconfident assassin. Believe it or not expectations are pretty low of you right now so better to get all the questions/uncertainty out now rather than later, thats a big part of what intern year is for.
 
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shookwell said:
Yes. I work 2 weekday days a week. Set schedule.
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how? you do a few weekend overnights a month or something, or is this a privilege of an admin job?


also to OP - i'm right there with ya, buddy. i feel like the M4s are giving better plans than me. i had a shift the other day where literally everyone i wanted to send home, the attending was like nah that's an admit. and everyone i thought should come in was a d/c home. sucks, man. watching the second years run **** like pros is so intimidating. hard to believe i'll ever get there.
 
It gets better. Trust in the experience of tens of thousands of people who did this long before you.
 
It gets awesome if you keep a good attitude. If you have a bad attitude about work nothing will save you. Except maybe a lot of money. Like a lot a lot.
 
HLxDrummer said:
I'm an intern and I'm wondering if life really is better after residency. I love watching resuscitations and doing procedures but now that I'm the one responsible I feel like a complete idiot and have anxiety all the time. Obviously the attendings are there but we have a pretty big ED and they aren't always easy to find and I can't be running every single little thing by them. Next year for a few hours in the early morning it's just one resident running 30 beds and I'm terrified of that.

On top of it I feel like I'm literally at the hospital 24/7 and I haven't even done ICU or trauma yet. I have a 8 month old boy and wife at home that I miss every day.

Part of me thinks I'll be working a little less when I graduate and making more money and I'll be more confident but damn I feel pretty ****ty right now...
Click to expand...

For the first few months of intern year I was afraid of everything, including ordering tylenol. I was terrified I'd give someone too much without realizing they had cirrhosis or something and they would die. I got over it and ended up mostly loving residency in a "it was the best of times, it was the worst of times" kind of way.

Honestly, if you have the right attitude and some sort of support network, it gets better pretty quick. You won't realize how much you are learning until next July when you see the brand new interns. Then you will feel like a veteran overnight.
 
Yes, it will get better.

Just remember how you feel now when you're setting up your life after residency and plan accordingly.
 
shookwell said:
No, I just take 50% of the pay that the full time attendings get (they work 4 shifts a week). Then I work locums whenever I feel like it, which pays way more.
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How did you set that up? Is that common? Why would they let you do that when they can busy hire a full time?
 
HLxDrummer said:
I'm an intern and I'm wondering if life really is better after residency. I love watching resuscitations and doing procedures but now that I'm the one responsible I feel like a complete idiot and have anxiety all the time. Obviously the attendings are there but we have a pretty big ED and they aren't always easy to find and I can't be running every single little thing by them. Next year for a few hours in the early morning it's just one resident running 30 beds and I'm terrified of that.

On top of it I feel like I'm literally at the hospital 24/7 and I haven't even done ICU or trauma yet. I have a 8 month old boy and wife at home that I miss every day.

Part of me thinks I'll be working a little less when I graduate and making more money and I'll be more confident but damn I feel pretty ****ty right now...
Click to expand...
In a word, “Yes.”

It gets better. You’re at the absolute hardest point. It gets better. Much better. Hang in there. It will get better.
 
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HLxDrummer said:
I'm an intern and I'm wondering if life really is better after residency. I love watching resuscitations and doing procedures but now that I'm the one responsible I feel like a complete idiot and have anxiety all the time. Obviously the attendings are there but we have a pretty big ED and they aren't always easy to find and I can't be running every single little thing by them. Next year for a few hours in the early morning it's just one resident running 30 beds and I'm terrified of that.

On top of it I feel like I'm literally at the hospital 24/7 and I haven't even done ICU or trauma yet. I have a 8 month old boy and wife at home that I miss every day.

Part of me thinks I'll be working a little less when I graduate and making more money and I'll be more confident but damn I feel pretty ****ty right now...
Click to expand...

The feelings of not being able to do stuff gets better.

The feelings of missing your family and “living in the hospital” do not get better. You just have to be at peace with it. The ICU will be the worst for this feeling.

Residency is all about shared misery between you and your co-residents with the terrible setting of academic medicine.
 
I think that the confidence will come in waves, it's likely a good sign that you are a bit caution and overwhelmed at the start of residency. 2-5 years after residency is when I think it really becomes a lot easier, plus a little adjustment period into the "local culture" any time you switch practice locations.
 
A few more thoughts, @HLxDrummer

Aside from the fact that residency & medical practice by their nature get easier with experience, what will get you through this, is that you will call upon reserve power within yourself, that you may not even be aware you have, to get through it and make it easier and better.

Also, you can call upon a Higher power external to yourself, if you choose to and need to.

Right now you’re also probably focusing 90% on your job and 10% on your family at home. Try to shift that balance in the other direction even if slowly, over time. Realize that much like a golfer or baseball player that swings to hard and is flailing, you’re performance may actually improve if you allow yourself to dial back the intensity a little bit. Forget about home runs and huge drives right now. Just hit fairways, make singles, and consider checking a day off the calendar while still standing, the major victory that it is.

Remember, 99.9% of the population doesn’t have what it takes to do what you do to compete your day. Gives yourself tremendous credit for simply having the courage and skill to lace it up each day.
 
At the same time, I love that this community immediately supported (what seemed to be) an intern in distress. Residency is hard, and it's nice to know that there's a built in, albeit somewhat sarcastic, support group here.
 
The White Coat Investor said:
This is a Zombie thread. Where is @HLxDrummer with the rest of the story? He/she should now be a PGY3.
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You know, I saw a bunch of notifications and was surprised to see this resurrected. Nonetheless, it is interesting looking back on this. It really is better.

I'm a new PGY3 working with the new interns. Seeing an average of 2PPH. Notes done and walking out the door within 60 mins of my shift ending usually. During the last few shifts I stabilized a bad asthmatic before presenting to the attending (busy with interns and other sick patients), sedated a patient myself for CT scan, took care of patient with seizure-like episodes, managed an unstable third degree heart block, reduced an ankle dislocation with skin tenting, etc.

I feel much more confident, prepared, and less scared. I have more free time with my family. I signed a contract for my attending job. I only have one off-service rotation left. Got the top score in my residency program on the ITE (still pretty sure that was a fluke - I was worried I wouldn't even match EM when I was in med school). Obviously residency still isn't a cake walk, but I've worked hard and it is paying off. I still get nervous sometimes walking into a shift or get overwhelmed when there are a million patients to be seen but overall the stress and anxiety are much lower!

Thank you all for your encouragement and support!
 
HLxDrummer said:
Thank you all for your encouragement and support!
Click to expand...
And thank you for coming back and sharing your experience. If for no other reason than to confirm what the old folks (none of whom I suspect are even close to 50) here were saying.
 
Apollyon said:
**** you! I can join AARP in 2 years and 2 weeks!
Click to expand...

Ahh.. the Academic Association of Resident Pimpers. Acceptance requires 10 years as an academic attending, 50 articles as first author, 2 medical devices or procedures named after you, and being able to name the 7 indications for a serum porcelain level. Respect!
 
I already have an AARP card. Not that it was my idea, but husband turned 50...
 
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