doubts anyone? a.k.a bone crushing blows

[majikbob]

So have you ever had an incident in your life that in one fell swoop both knocks you on your ass, and makes you realize just how much of a mess you are?

this is a little off topic. and i see now it rambles alot, but bare with me, it might end up relevant. if nothing else i can get it off my chest.

So I think I'm an ok guy. Smart, hard working, creative. I've been with a great women for 3 years now. You think your in a great relationship on the way to medical school, getting ready to settle down and maybe even start a family; in short its coming together, and the future looks bright. Then one day you wake up and she is moving out, sighting a long long long list of the wrongs you committed, your deficiencies as a partner, and deep character faults as a human being.

And the really scary thing is everything she says is so right, so on target, you can't believe you never noticed these things till now, as she is driving away. And if you had, you would of course tried to do something about them, but you didn't and now like some form of silent cancer they have grown and spread. Even worse as you play back the tape of the relationship you realise she had been trying to tell you these things for years, but your ego is too big to have let them register, and you have been too focused of yourself and your selfish needs to have ever truly considered hers.

Then as you sit in the ruin of your life and ponder your next move, your only real buttress against the growing clouds of depression is the fact your are going to medical school next year with or without her, the real kicker hits you: what the F. kind of doctor are you going to make if you cant even care for and listen to the one person in your life that you proclaim to mean more then anything to you? That you have been so focused on getting yourself there, through a B.S., a Ph.D., mcat reviews, the applications...oh the endless applications, interviews, and finally into school, that you have horribly neglected aspects of your personality, and while you are in the top 6% based on mcat scroes, you in all likelihood have the emotional development of a infant and no easily discernible morals or ethics.

Something like that ever happen to you? 'Cause it just has to me and I am seriously doubting what kind of man I've become, and what kind of doctor I will be. If it wasn't so bone crushing true, it could almost be funny, or at least tragic. It is so sad I'm almost afraid to sign my name to.

majikbob (with alot less majik now)

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[jbone]

So have you ever had an incident in your life that in one fell swoop both knocks you on your ass, and makes you realize just how much of a mess you are?

this is a little off topic. and i see now it rambles alot, but bare with me, it might end up relevant. if nothing else i can get it off my chest.

So I think I'm an ok guy. Smart, hard working, creative. I've been with a great women for 3 years now. You think your in a great relationship on the way to medical school, getting ready to settle down and maybe even start a family; in short its coming together, and the future looks bright. Then one day you wake up and she is moving out, sighting a long long long list of the wrongs you committed, your deficiencies as a partner, and deep character faults as a human being.

And the really scary thing is everything she says is so right, so on target, you can't believe you never noticed these things till now, as she is driving away. And if you had, you would of course tried to do something about them, but you didn't and now like some form of silent cancer they have grown and spread. Even worse as you play back the tape of the relationship you realise she had been trying to tell you these things for years, but your ego is too big to have let them register, and you have been too focused of yourself and your selfish needs to have ever truly considered hers.

Then as you sit in the ruin of your life and ponder your next move, your only real buttress against the growing clouds of depression is the fact your are going to medical school next year with or without her, the real kicker hits you: what the F. kind of doctor are you going to make if you cant even care for and listen to the one person in your life that you proclaim to mean more then anything to you? That you have been so focused on getting yourself there, through a B.S., a Ph.D., mcat reviews, the applications...oh the endless applications, interviews, and finally into school, that you have horribly neglected aspects of your personality, and while you are in the top 6% based on mcat scroes, you in all likelihood have the emotional development of a infant and no easily discernible morals or ethics.

Something like that ever happen to you? 'Cause it just has to me and I am seriously doubting what kind of man I've become, and what kind of doctor I will be. If it wasn't so bone crushing true, it could almost be funny, or at least tragic. It is so sad I'm almost afraid to sign my name to.

majikbob (with alot less majik now)

Keep your head up. Tomorrow will be a brighter day. You're going to be just fine. Focus on the important things in your life and you'll survive. You aren't alone. Good luck.

 

[Zoom-Zoom]

Hey man, first off I'm sorry for your loss. Break-ups always suck, but my one consolidation is that pain does decrease over time.

I am not a religious or highly spiritual person, but I have had some very bone-crushing events, not to mention anxiety-provoking every-day events, that would have driven me mad long ago if I had not decided that there was some reason why **** happens the way it does. Regardless of your "faith" though, you can't change the past, so harping on the negative sides of life tend to be more destructive than constructive, although this is certainly easier to say from my perspective and I am in no way trying to rush or downplay your bereivement.

I don't think this type of thig will have anything to do with your practice as a doctor, or even your future relationships, for that matter. A break up is never 100% one-persons fault, and while your ability not to see her queues was certainly partly your fault, she needs to be held accountable for the lack of communication here. You're not a mindreader and someone should know when they are not communicating effectively, to change the ways they do it and to look for a conscious acknowledgement of the communication in the other party.

Furthermore, this might serve as a lesson that will make you a better doctor than you ever would have been, just as it might make you a better partner in future relationships. I garuntee that now you will be particularly aware of your interactions with others and of the faults that were recently pointed out to you. You can change! You can always see a counselor if you want to, that's what they are there for and beleive it or not, they work too. You can also read books about "men" and how insensitive we are, etc. My point is, your faults can certainly be corrected so you should be, in a sense, happy that at least now you are aware of them.

One more thing, you really seem to be beating yourself up over this. This is another reason why you might want to talk to a neutral counselor about this. My relationship with my father was one that consistently resulted in intereactions when I left feeling like the jerk, and when analyzed later, I was not entirely at fault at all.

You have lots of good stuff going on in your life. Even if this isn't how you would have preferred, this is how it ended up. The future might seem bleak now, but I garuntee that over time you will see all the new possibilities this change will allow you. Just don't beat yourself up too much in the process


EDIT: sorry for the typos and stuff, im tired

 

[Em1]

Majikbob, I am so terribly sorry for what happened to you. I went through something similar two weeks ago, and I know too well how awful you're feeling right now.

You might not believe me right now (I wouldn't have belived this two weeks ago), but you're not as much of a mess as you think you are. YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS and someday look back on it as a learning experience. Your "character flaws" don't make you an awful person, they just don't make you the right person for her, and that's FINE because there is someone else out there who IS the right person for you.

This sucks big time, I know, and the next couple of days may be the hardest ones of your life so far. But get through them the best you can- keep going to work and/or school (I know it's hard) and take care of yourself. It only gets better from here. Best of luck, and feel free to pm me. Again, I'm sorry.

 

[linuxgrl]

Majikbob, I read your post this morning and I just wanted to extend my sympathy. Getting into med school is a tough, nasty, dehumanizing process and it has left me with a lot of the same feelings you're having. I am truly sorry for what happened to you and I just want you to know you're not alone.

*hug*

 

[novawildcat]

the real kicker hits you: what the F. kind of doctor are you going to make if you cant even care for and listen to the one person in your life that you proclaim to mean more then anything to you?

Doctors and lawyers have some of the highest divorce rates out of any profession.

 

[ShyRem]

majik, I sympathize. I've been married now for 13 years, and the easiest person to forget, to take advantage of, to lash out at, and the last one to apologize to is your spouse/partner. The work of the relationship is the work of not taking advantage of it - not to assume it'll always be there - the work is to make it a priority in your life and to celebrate the specialness of the relationship. Certain times in your life this is more difficult than other times: having children, being in school (again), and applying to medical school. Also when you have a particularly bad patient you don't want to talk about (ever).

Majik, things will work out. Really. Look at yourself in a pretty harsh light right now and decide if she's worth going after. If she is, then put some effort into it. If you just can't do it right now, then let her go. But the first thing you need to do is forgive yourself for your behavior and figure out where things went wrong. It takes two people to make a relationship, and it takes two people to break it up, even if one of those people is just picking up the pieces and moving on.

Good luck, majik... wish there was a :hugs: icon.