Drop or push through? (burnout)

[LetterB]

I know many here will have dealt with worse and have loftier goals, but I feel completely burned out. I'm wondering whether I should try to push through, or drop one or more classes and make other changes.

I've been doing an informal post-baccalaureate / grade repair for two full years, in preparation for an application to an allied health program. I am finding myself completely unmotivated for even ordinary life activities.

Factors have included extremely long commutes, care-giving responsibilities for an ailing senior parent, and social isolation (due to the commute and responsibilities). When I returned to study, I relocated to an affordable (but depressing) location to reduce costs, but it's just drained the life out of me and is taking time away from, well, everything.

For two years, my life has been commuting, studying, and supporting intermittent care to my parent, in addition to periodic work. Recently, I've had to increase that commitment to a daily schedule. (There are no other resources, fwiw.) This past year, I've gone a few stretches of 2-3 months of not going out socially at all, because of obligations (also, falling out of the loop). I did go out at first, but as exams built up and my responsibilities increased, it’s all slowed down. It’s just been really hard and lonely, and I’m fed up.

I think I’m digging my heels in, is what it comes down to. I just don’t want to do this anymore. Or, I don’t want to live this lifestyle anymore – I’m still connected to my goals, but they seem very far away and I am out of energy to chase them.

I was doing well for a long time using goal incentives alone, but I can’t make myself do it any more. I can barely do anything, that’s not an overstatement– I feel like it’s a huge win if I make it to class. Even cooking and self-care is at a minimum.

I’m not sad, I’m not even numb, I just can’t get going. I’m tired all the time. Can’t even make myself watch a movie, which makes me feel guilty, instead of cable news, which can just be in the background. I haven't been sleeping well, I stopped working out, and I've gained 8 pounds.

The worst is paralyzing writer’s block. A few months ago, I was using over-research to procrastinate. I’m not even focused enough to do that anymore. Have just been staring blankly at the screen.

I have a bunch of papers over the next month and I have absolutely no idea how I’m going to write them. I'm terrified. I’ve got one that’s two weeks late. Was going to write it now, and as happens all the time lately, I've got a blank mind and panic. It’s not even that it’s a hard paper. I just can’t make myself focus. Pretty sure I've screwed up a reference.

I’m thinking maybe I should drop things for a while. Take a break from the commuting and study. Get a real job. Move somewhere that’s not a dead zone. See some people sometimes, strike a balance.

But it would only prolong the whole thing, and I’ll have wasted the year. In order to make the next application cycle (which I want to do, I'm 38), I need at least some of these credits done, now. I might be able to pick something up over the summer and fall, but would probably have to make compromises around course choices. And it'd be more of the same again -- this semester's nearly over.. I'd only have a short break before starting up again. I was going to do a few in the fall anyway. I really do NOT want to be in school over the summer. It's been a long, dark winter.

Should I give myself a break, or try to make it through? I really, really want a break. I also want to keep pushing through, but I’m running on fumes.

I would be grateful for any thoughts. (Also, grateful if no one quoted me in any reply.)

Thank you.

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[Eccesignum]

Would waiting a year be that bad for you? Is being 38 when you apply more important than 39?

I'm not asking to be rhetorical, they're honest questions. As it sounds like you're at a point where you need to recoup some mental strength, but I wanted to understand if something about next cycle is drastically important for you to apply NOW.

 

[MS Advisors]

You've come this far! Could it be the fear of those incomplete papers that's causing the uncertainty. Sometimes our uncertainty makes us forget why we started something in the first place. This would be a good time to re-evaluate and clarify why-am-I-doing-this.

The journey towards realising our vision can sometimes get bumpy. Having a clear vision to refer to all the time, helps when the road gets bumpy. When I get stuck in projects, it's the vision that pulls me through. I always have it written down or drawn somewhere where I can easily find it. Vision tells me what it is I'm trying to achieve. I usually have a purpose statement which tells me how I'm going to achieve it.

Vision and purpose statements can be applied to just about anything we undertake in life.

As far as writers block goes, a change of scenery helps me big time. I don't have to go far, only slow down and look at things from a different angle. Sometimes I get so deep into work that I become disconnected from the world around me! So I get up and go for a long long relaxing run and it ALWAYS makes me feel better.

 

[ObLaDi]

What about finishing up this term and then taking the next one off? What you are describing happened to me a few years back. I reached the middle of the term and had absolutely no motivation. If you can, try not to worry so much about your grades and just bang out that paper and turn something in (yes, easier said than done, I know.) It really sounds like you are totally burned out and you need a break from school, but if I were you I would just turn something in, anything you can pull together paper wise, and finish the term.

 

[AlbinoHawk DO]

Do you think medical school is for you? I ask because things only get worse and worse.

 

[CW 2010]

The OP didn't mention medical school in particular, only allied health program.

Not to give you medical advice, but what you are describing sounds more like depression than just a burnout. Maybe, think about seeking professional help. Taking a medication (temporarily) + behavioral therapy could help you get back on track.

 

[LetterB]

Thank you all for taking the time to read my stupidly long and jumbled post.. I appreciate all your thoughts and suggestions.

Eccesignum: I guess there's the sense of time pressing, for sure. The practical reason I don't want to delay taking these particular courses is they're only offered during the day. Of the ones I am thinking of dropping, one is a repeated course, the other is required. If I postponed them until next year, it would mean another year of second / third shift and occasional work, more isolation, the same stress again and maybe worse.. I was hoping to spend the application cycle working at a 9-5 job for higher pay, which would make changing the other aspects of my situation much more possible. (The fall courses I had in mind, which are optional, are evening and independent study.) If it weren't for scheduling, it would be so much better to take the time I would like, you're right 🙂

MSAdvisors: Thank you for your encouragement 🙂 I think you're right, the papers are messing with my head, and obscuring the long-term goal. I like your exercise, thank you -- I will give it a try 🙂 I agree that a change of scene would help tons, and I'm going to look for a place to work that doesn't feel so aversive. I did see your and others' responses earlier, but was unable to give a decent reply until now. What I did after class, after seeing yours, was reup my gym membership and get an hour on the mill 🙂 I feel better than I did yesterday, that's for sure. Thank you 🙂

ObLaDi: It's reassuring to hear other people have experienced this kind of thing, thank you. It's a strange feeling, just completely losing the will to push forward... maybe making some small lifestyle changes for the time being, like working out, will help a bit. I think you might be right that just getting it done might be the goal to have for now. There are a lot of supports at my university that I haven't been together enough to tap into. I'll see what I can do there, and how far I can get. Thank you 🙂

AlbinoHawkDO: There is nothing on earth that would compel me to even think about attempting med school. It's an amazing thing to do though, and anyone who does it's a hero in my book 🙂

CW 2010: Depression is a possibility, I would agree. Although I can't say it's sadness or hopelessness I feel, so much as overwhelm and fatigue. But I'm no expert. If it's not here already, and it easily might be, it's breathing down my neck. Thank you for the good advice. I will talk to my doc and see about a referral.

Everyone has been so helpful, it's really appreciated.

 

[katiemaude]

You've already gotten some great advice and encouragement but I wanted to add mine as well. I felt the deep, dark pre-med post-bacc blues once or twice during this journey. Coming here and posting in the non-trad forum or reading a few posts often helped to remind me of my ultimate goal.

I also liked rewarding myself with inexpensive "treats" ... an hour once a month of reading the magazine that costs $10/yr to subscribe, two hours on the weekend after a big test to rent a $1 DVD and watch a movie and call a friend over to join me, half hour a couple nights a week to Skype with a friend, etc. I also gave myself an hour every other night to go to the gym and blow off steam, and a couple hours every weekend to cook big batches of inexpensive and healthy meals because I like cooking and it saved me time during the week. When I felt like I was going to lose it, I'd give myself permission to have coffee with a friend and "waste" that hour of valuable study time - hey, I was usually more productive immediately afterward!

It was difficult making it through two years of full-time studying in post-bacc, studying for the MCAT, volunteering and working part-time on top of my usual adult responsibilities. I had a parent who was struggling with health issues and was a source of emotional strain. I felt isolated and alone while my other 30-something friends were getting married, having kids, working full-time, getting raises, getting better jobs, etc. I didn't have the money or time resources to do anything fun. But I knew that if I couldn't find ways of coping with that part of the journey that there was no way I was going to survive med school and residency. It was a relief to get back to full-time work (albeit half of what I used to make) two years ago. Having an 8-hr a day job was good for getting a break from school and helped me fund my existence and pay for applications. Now I am ready to go back to school! I am looking forward to "just" having to be a student in med school.

If you really want this, you can definitely do it. Just remember that all of it is temporary, and make the small changes where you can to help you cope.