Drunk, once suicidal, and currently in med school

[GoToCalifornia]

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ok, i'm not sure what to write, but here it goes, what i expect to be a long and rambling post about all my problems and such in hopes of getting something useful back.......

SO....
I just started med school a few months ago, the second major exam week is next week (the week of Nov1 - MWF) and I'm freaking out. This is not ordinary pre-exam jitters, tho.
I suspect that I may have any or all of the following:
- a drinking problem (I've never drank so much and so often by myself before)
- a learning disability (I can't ****ing get myself to study!)
- some sort of mental illness (depression-related or, more likely, anxiety-related)

Um, let's see...
I was really suicidal in high school - I tried to kill myself several times (ineffectively, of course - trying to fall asleep behind the tailpipe of my my parents' running luxury cars; swallowing a matter of batteries; any non-pain-ivolving method i could think of - and i couldn't get my hands on a gun as a minor).
One day i locked myself in my room after i couldn't take it any more and wrote a huge letter to my parents spilling my guts out much like i'm doing now and, eventually i saw a Psychologist for a few weeks to "help" me with my "problems"
Long story short - He was incompetant and my parents are idiotic dinguses. Niether I nor my parents - who i eventually told about my suicide attempts - ever, at any point, informed the Psychologist about my suicide attempts. Officially, I was there under my personal suspicion of "having Social Anxiety Disorder." Sessions consisted mostly of him staring at me for 20 minutes at a time for forty minutes while i stared back at his "haunted house" screen saver, while intermittently muttering something about either politics or some other extraneous topic - such a socially confrontational style is certianly NOT how I would deal with someone coming in claiming to be socially phobic. ****ing dingus. oy. anyway, the sessions eventually stopped WITHOUT my notice of the final session OR that I would no longer be seeing him. When i later mustered up the courage to ask about this, my mom said that he said that "I'm just shy," which makes me want to cry just writing this.
One of the few VIVID memories of our bull**** sessions was me thinking about, and then thinking about how to say, then mustering up the courage, and getting my voacal chords ready, and then breathing in to finally s a y . . . that I fear that, because of my social anxiety, that i fear i will become dependent on alcohol in the future, when i enter college - when, just before i could let this out, he said, "well, it looks like time's up." god, that has burned into my memory like nothing else.
and, so, here i am, several years later, bottles of beer around me, typing this, and i'm sure he had n o t h i n g to worry about, nor should i, godforbid.


since then, my life has been quite good - i've got great friends and - shock of shocks to me - a girlfriend ! Although she's been my girlfriend for, oh, 3 and a half years now, i never really felt comfortable/courageous enough to ever tell her about all these deep-seated feelings i have.
i tell her all the time about how much i hate my parents, always pointing at the milions of little things they do that i hate them for (threatening to cut off tuition, being general all-around dinguses, etc etc), but never stating that the main, underlying reason i hate them so much is for the whole psychologist debacle - that they never bothered telling him that i was so suicidal, that they stopped my sessions with him w/o telling me, that they never once discussed my problems with me, and that i feel like they'd rather have a dead "good boy who goes to med school" than a living son that has FRIENDS (evil, in their book) and intersests and loves LIFE (god forbid).

ugh.

i dunno.
i don't know if i've gotten past these issues or not, though the very fact that that comprises most of what i've typed so far indicates that they probably are the underlying reason for all my bull**** problems so far.

i was gonna oriiginally post some short **** concerning a possible Learning Disability (tho i just think that i'm lazy/hate studying given that i find simple joy in merely living as a result of the suicide attmepts, which i often think about) and that i might have a drinking problem and how maybe i could give this as a reason for my awful performance...

i failed EVERY SINGLE ONE of my first exam week - 5 in all (Gross, gross lab, Micro, micro lab, neuro) and i dont' feel i'm gonna do that much better next week....
througout ever single semester in college, i was on acadmeic probation and under review of the program's directors - I was in a special program that let me into med school out of high school, without requiring me to take the MCAT, and so long as i maintain a minimum GPA in college and a min. B in science classes, which i regularly did poorly in. luckily, after the 3 years were up, i graduated with a degree in Psych (ironically), and a free ticket to med school, despite my constant begging of the dean to grant me a 4th year of college...argh.

on a different note, my brother (1, older) never made it into an american med shcool; ended up at Ross U in the carribean - Dominca - FLUNKEd out of that one, went on to the next Carribean med school - St. Matthew's and is hanging by a thread at it's campus in Maine, even tho, grade-wise he SHOULD have been kicked out of that one, too last semester, and only remains after an appeal to a dean who is willing to let my parents pay another XX,000/semester....
whereas he's always been 4 years older than me and 4 years ahead of me academically, he's now just finishing his 2nd year of med school... *******.
argh.

plus, my REAL passion is Psychology. i found the thought of doing psych reasearch exciting and the thought of teaching a psych class exhiliarating - so i should apply to grad school in psych right? but i spent so little time focusing on my studies in college, that i didn't bother busting my butt so much since i knew i was on track for med school!
so i'm between a rock and a hard place.
in reality, what's it's become is that i no longer see myself as having much desire "to be a doctor" so much as I want to get an MD degree, as a credential that will allow me to pursue a good Psych PhD program after i'm done with med school since my undergrad grades in general, and in psych as well, weren't spectacular, nor did i see a single one of my proffessors in their office hours and have NO potential prof recommendations and thus very little chance of getting into any decent psych program....!

i feel like i've been double screwed and i'm between a rock and a hard place.

and, if in the event i do get kicked out of med school, i think my main perogative would be to join the Marines and hope to make it as an officer and become a Marine Aviator, which would at least fulfill one of my dreams in life, and would likely instill some discipline in me that i'm so severly lacking. of course, this will be met with much resistance by my girlfriend (this i know for a fact, since i've brought up the prospect in the past) and, of course, my parents, who would disapprove and would want me to pursue med school, with tuition payment as their primary bargaining chip. The Marines would help pay for any med/psych school that I would pursue after my enlistment and I feel i'm the only one who would see this as a good thing.
and, of course, there's now the prospect of actual deployment into war since 2003, which is just another thing to personally worry about (well, my girlfriend moreso than I).
PLUS, upon receiving a stack of papers involving potential enlistment after seeing a recruiter on several different ocassions, it asks whether i've ever had suicidal thoughts/tendencies or not and i've been asked whether i've had psychiatric treamtent or not - which makes me almost more hesitant to seek help if this means doing so would jeopoardize my chance of pursuing that possible future...
god, i feel like if everyone knew what was going on, somehow there would be some goddamn understanding and i'd be able to do what's best for everyone involved...
and, in the meantime, no matter what i do or where i go, everyone's on my ass and it somehow ends up being worse than any other conceivable worst-possible-scenario. jesus.

god i've written a lot; but to summarize what is on my mind right NOW... here's the following whether i've acutally mentioned it or not

- suicidal tendencies in high school never resolved
- possible drinking problem at the presenet time
- possible learning disability? (minor)
- what am i gonna do with my life???
- if i get kicked out, what then?
- Psych grad school - but how???
- The marines?
- how do i get help if i need it - PRACTICAL, relevant advice is what i need
- i'm just so ANGRY and afraid all the time...
- what's wrong with me??!
- why can't i just do what i want and what i'm best at?
- i could very well be dead right now, yet i still procrastinate, take things for granted, am lazy, don't pursue what I really want, etc etc...
- how am i gonna go about/pay for all these things that i want to pursue? (psych, etc.)


WHAT SHOULD I DO?
wtf?

ANY Repsonse would be appreciated, except for any that say, "Derrr...you should get some help and stuff."

Thank you!

 

[firebody]

no one here knows exactly what you're going through. but there was a friend of my who i know can maybe relate. she got through it when she realized her failures were in the past and that there are other lives out there worst off than hers.

no one is going to get anything out of an image, but maybe what you need is a break from everything to think things through.

 

[gatsbyjo]

Well, I guess that I don't have any really practical advice, although I would say that I can relate to being in an MD program only as a means to an end. In other words, I wonder that I lack the "passion" that I might need to get through this.

I wouldn't be afraid to seek help for your problems. Certain problems, such as addiction and types of depression are chemical and can be treated, and I think it would be really sad if you didn't use the resources available to you.

You obviously are a bright, driven person. Don't use your lack of motivation to memorize minutae as a measure of drive of discipline. I am very driven, yet I still can't make myself study either!

I think that it would be a real waste for you to write yourself off as a "problem" student at this point. Do whatever you need to do to survive this semester, and try and take steps to resolve the underlying issues.

 

[Ypo.]

If I were you, I would probably stop wasting my time in medical school. Its doesn't seem to be your passion. (Unless you decide you want to be a psychiatrist instead of a pyschologist). The very fact that you are drinking and writing long posts on SDN and dreaming about other paths you could have/should have taken in life when you should be studying for your exams (especially after failing all of them to date) suggests to me that you are not happy with your situation in life and that you should pursue something else.

If I were you, I would either

1. Commit to medical school, get my act together (ie-go to AA, seek therapy, and start studying my ass off-or else seek some time off from medical school to straighten myself out-(talk to the school about this-I think they would be flexible)).

OR if you know you don't want to be a doctor and would rather pursue psychology

2. Drop out of med school before wasting any more money, and get on the path towards whatever you want to do in psychology, and quit worrying about things.

Either way you need to tak some positive actions towards treating your problems-both in life choices, psychological and drug dependance.


Its easy to blame your problems on everyone else, but the one thing you need to remember is that you are the one who needs to make your life what you want it to be. Blaming your life on others is just an excuse to avoid taking any real action. Sorry if I sound harsh, but the sooner you come to this conlusion, the better off you will be

 

[care bear]

gotocalifornia, hang in there. i am praying for you.

and i do think you should 'get help & stuff', but i also know that 'help' won't necessarily help everything, or anything for that matter. but, i think you should pursue it.

here a few practical suggestions to help with the immediate future (your upcoming tests, etc.)
-think of yourself as an adult-you are one whether you realize it or not. you are an adult who holds his own future in his hands, and it's on the line right about now.
-put your college failures behind you. do not think of yourself as a person who just 'can't focus' or just 'always does badly'. you don't have to.
- stop drinking. just STOP drinking. don't drink tommorrow, or the next day , or the next. why? because you are a responsible adult who has to pass his exams. chances are, your drinking 'problem' can go away just like it came if you aren't truly psychologically dependent yet.
-go somewhere public to study. don't bring a computer, a friend, or anything else that could possibly distract you. when you get there, don't leave for several hours. repeat the next day. your learning 'problem' may go away too! 🙂 (yes, i'm being tongue-in-cheek but i'm also very serious. i feel that sometimes labeling ourselves as having 'problems' does little more than to justify our behavior.)
-if you are not actively suicidal, your depression issues can be dealt with AFTER you pass your exams this coming week. (ditto for your career chage plans, etc.)this may sound harsh, but i bet if you study hard this week, put everything else out of your mind, and pass them all, you might just feel so darn good that it gives you a little boost & energy, and a better mindset from which to really work on your deeper issues.

i really wish you all the best. i know you can do it 🙂 when you wake up tomorrow, it is going to be a new day. .. a day filled with possibility. you have a girlfriend who loves you, i'm sure you have friends, you have living parents, you are intelligent, and i believe that God loves you and has a purpose for you. hang in there!!!

and one more time. . .put down the alcohol.
-

 

[gioia]

1. Most medical schools provide a support service: USE IT!! They are there for you.

2. If what you are saying is true, you made it this far. Consider the trigger that set your mood out of whack: was it the poor grades first go around? THAT you can change. Is it the workload and/or the career choice? THAT you can change too.

 

[erin682]

I'm in my first year of med school at it can be quite depressing. People I know who have no previous problems with depression and mental illness can be driven to them in med school. I have chronic depression myself and I have frequently found it harder and harder to motivate myself to spend my entire life studying and still not doing well. With out going into all the gory details lets just say I understand where you are coming from. I also know what its like to have therapists and psychiatrists that are complete jokes. I had one that fell asleep in sessions and another who stared at my like yours did. I had a phsrink that left me on a medication for 7th months even though it made me crazy and sick.
That being said my advice is still to find help. There are good therapists out there it just might take some time find them. If you got yourself into med school you obvious have enough will power to spend some time trying to find the right therapist. Once you do that talk to them about your feeling about med school. Try to get you head clear before you decide you want to call it quits or make any other big decisions. If you need to talk anymore I'm available (I could always use a study break 🙂 ) anytime. Feel free to PM me.

 

[beanbean]

suicidal tendencies in high school never resolved
- possible drinking problem at the presenet time
- possible learning disability? (minor)
- what am i gonna do with my life???
- if i get kicked out, what then?
- Psych grad school - but how???
- The marines?
- how do i get help if i need it - PRACTICAL, relevant advice is what i need
- i'm just so ANGRY and afraid all the time...
- what's wrong with me??!
- why can't i just do what i want and what i'm best at?
- i could very well be dead right now, yet i still procrastinate, take things for granted, am lazy, don't pursue what I really want, etc etc...
- how am i gonna go about/pay for all these things that i want to pursue? (psych, etc.)


WHAT SHOULD I DO?
wtf?

If you are having thoughts of harming yourself or anyone else and have made a plan - get to an Emergency Room.

If you think you have a drinking problem; you very well may. If you are drinking everyday and wake up feeling the need for an eye-opener or get shaky after not drinking all day - you may be physically addicted. If you choose to stop on your own, be aware that you may go into withdrawal (DTs). If you stop drinking and notice that you have the shakes - get to an emergency room. We don't need you have seizures! If your drinking has not progressed to this point and you are worried you are drinking too much - stop. There are many resources for help with addiction including AA (awesome program) and many med schools, hospitals or state med boards offer a CHIPs program for medical professionals with substance abuse problems. AA and CHIPs are confidential.

What you describe as a learning disability - not being able to focus and study - may be that or may very likely be a symptom of depression. Feelings of anxiety, being overwelmed and a loss of focus are common with depression. Depression is treatable!! Your past experience in 'counseling' sounded horrible. There are many great psychiatrists and psychologists out there. Go find one and start getting better. If you do have a substance abuse issue as well, there are many treatment centers that offer dual-diagnosis treatment.

Before making any major life decisions, you need to get yourself straightened out. The Marines is no place for a depressed, confused, person who may have a drinking problem to go to straighten stuff out. Get yourself together first and then decide what will make you happy - grad school, marines, med school, etc.

You need to talk to the Dean at your school now. If things are really this bad and you are looking at failing, it may be best to ask for a medical leavae of absence. This will give you some time to get your life back on track and decide if medicine is really for you.

Deirdre

 

[wiboy]

WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY?


That's all that matters, man.


Think about it.

Figure it out.

Do it.

It sounds like medical school is not what makes you happy (ha, ha, who the hell does it do that to?).

More importantly, it sounds like you don't think that being a doctor in the end will do it for you. For me, if I end up hating the job, at least I'll be able to travel, which I love. I'll be one travellin' foo -- tho I think I'll like my job.

Practically, you may be going down the path of having to retake your courses next year. Don't worry about it. This is done in order to benefit the student. Not to say you should give up on this semester, give it a shot. Give it the best you can.

Don't worry about your parents, your girlfriend, no one else. Get centered on what you need to do for yourself -- be selfish. As a medium range goal, you need to autonomize. You sound young so talk to the financial aid people about taking out loans for school (if you want to be there) in the case that the folks pull the funds. If you go down this path and really decide you can't do med school but have (X) x ($1000) in loans, declare bancruptcy, default and start your life over and do what makes you happy. Be aware of the 6-7 years of financial ramifications of this path, tho.

 

[MeowMix]

You can't make any good decisions or deal with psych issues while you are drinking. Please get yourself to an AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) meeting TODAY. Look in the phone book, call up, find out when and where is the nearest meeting. Don't delay.

I can guarantee that there will be people there who know about everything you're going through, except the med school part. AA is free, and the community you will find there will help break your cycle of isolation and substance abuse. Although people will talk about their spiritual practice there, there are lots of AA members who are atheistic or agnostic, so don't make that a reason not to go.

Sharing your feelings is a great first step, and it's good that you posted.

 

[jennie 21]

If you are drinking alone with any kind of regularity, you have a drinking problem. I'm not saying that in order to judge you, and you don't need to be ashamed of it, but you do need to face up to the facts and do whatever you have to do to stop drinking. You sound like you're aware that you may have a problem, which is the first step to fixing it. The second step, IMO, would be to get all of the alcohol out of the house and make a decision not to buy any more. Get rid of temptation. If you find yourself relapsing and drinking again, or if you don't feel you can stop in the first place, then get yourself to an AA meeting. That might be a good idea even if you are successful at cutting out drinking on your own, because there's a lot of underlying issues that go along with having a drinking problem and if you don't address those you're setting yourself up for going back to it later. If you don't feel you can face the "stigma" of going to AA, at least go to student health and arrange to see a psychiatrist privately. Not all of them are as bad as the one you met in high school. In fact, some of them are very helpful. I've sought therapy before and I know that a good therapist can be very helpful in helping you fix whatever's going on in your life. If you don't like the first person you see, try someone else. Keep going until you find someone you like and feel you can trust. Then tell them everything you told us.

As far as med school goes, if you're interested in psychology, how about psychiatry? I'm not saying you can't drop out of med school and go to psych grad school if that's really what you want, but it's not a decision to be made impulsively or lightly. Many of the things you find appealing about psychology are also things you can probably do in psychiatry--research, psychotherapy, or whatever else it is that interests you, there's a way. And the advantage of pursuing that route to psychiatry, through med school, is you're already there. You're already in. If you want a psych PhD. you have a lot of hurdles to pass getting into a good program. You can do it if you really want to, but why not try to take advantage of where you are first? The first two years of med school are a lot of bullsh** and many people hate them. After that, if you can slog through, it gets better. I guess I just don't really see the advantages for you of dropping out of med school to try to pursue a psych PhD when you could get to the same place with an M.D. and a psychiatry residency. These are issues to talk about with whoever gives career advice at your school. You may find you can do what you want to do by following the path you're on now.

I'm sure that failing your first round of exams must have been enormously frustrating and depressing. I can identify with that sense of panic, that fear that you're going to fail again. I've been there, as have many other people. That panic and fear then get in your way of studying and doing what you need to do to pass your next exams. I don't know what to suggest, other than to buckle down and do it. I know that's much much easier said than done.

I guess my best advice would be to go talk to the administration at your med school. They want to help you. They don't want to see you fail. And they probably have lots of resources to help you. They've dealt with similar things many times before, because many many students run into problems like this somewhere along the line. Go to them and tell them you're having problems, tell them you're afraid you're about to fail another round of exams. And ask for their help. Also tell them you have some personal issues you'd like to talk about with a psychiatrist. I'm sure they can help you arrange that. They can help you figure out a plan to get you the help you need and to stay in med school at least until you're sure of what you want to do. They may arrange for tutoring, or offer you a leave of absence, or allow you to repeat your courses over the summer or next year. But please, seek out help as soon as possible before you dig yourself into a hole you can't climb out of. Right now, this situation and your med school career are still salvageable. People have come back from a lot worse. You've got a lot of tough stuff to deal with, and it's going to take time. Try to be patient and gentle with yourself in the meantime, and just do what you need to do. Good luck.

 

[GoToCalifornia]

I plan on calling the University's Counseling center tomorrow to schedule an appointment for next Monday, the first weekday after exams are over (next week). Should I try and see someone during next week (during exams) or just stick it out and take the exams (which i know i will do very poorly on) and see someone after - my current plan of action?
well, at least I'm finally on the path to getting the help i need, i guess.
thanks for the responses.

 

[Nflow]

Good Luck. 👍

I plan on calling the University's Counseling center tomorrow to schedule an appointment for next Monday, the first weekday after exams are over (next week). Should I try and see someone during next week (during exams) or just stick it out and take the exams (which i know i will do very poorly on) and see someone after - my current plan of action?
well, at least I'm finally on the path to getting the help i need, i guess.
thanks for the responses.

 

[wiboy]

I say take the exams. 50% is better than 0% and, if you deem it appropriate, you could still finish the semester with passes. There are also magic little things that some faculty/administration may be able to work out for folks in rough situations sometimes so the semester may not be lost.

A sincere best of luck to you.

 

[jennie 21]

I'd suggest going to the deans' office (or equivalent at your school) and telling them you're in trouble academically and afraid you're going to fail your exams, and see what they say. They may be able to arrange something to help you--tutoring or let you take the exams late or something. The sooner you go to them, the better, because the fewer exams you've failed the easier it will be to fix the whole thing.

 

[GoToCalifornia]

I've already seen a dean in order to arrange for tutoring, although when she asked me if "anything else was going on," what immediately flashed in my mind was my drinking/anxiety, but i just said "no, nothing i can think of..." 🙁
I have since seen a tutor to discuss studying strategy and was supposed to meet him last night but cancelled since i was, well, drinking. and if passing were that easy, i wouldn't be complaining - a 70 would be an incredible grade for me - my scores on the first exam week ranged from 26 to 54...
I'm suddenly starting to wonder if i should even show up for the exams - i mean, i've barely studied, haven't done a lick of reading as of late, and no matter how much i push myself and go to the library, i can't seem to just concentrate on the task at hand, especially now, with all this stuff on my mind... i don't know.
chances are good that if i take the exams next week i'll be lucky to break a 50 on any one of em... i just feel so helpless at this point. it seems like not taking them would be such a stand or something, and it wouldn't go down on my record as just a set of awful grades but instead a W/no-show or something... i don't know.
i'll T R Y to study til then but who knows...

 

[psychedoc2b]

whether i've had psychiatric treamtent or not - which makes me almost more hesitant to seek help if this means doing so would jeopoardize my chance of pursuing that possible future...
god, i feel like if everyone knew what was going on, somehow there would be some goddamn understanding and i'd be able to do what's best for everyone involved...
and, in the meantime, no matter what i do or where i go, everyone's on my ass and it somehow ends up being worse than any other conceivable worst-possible-scenario. jesus.

god i've written a lot; but to summarize what is on my mind right NOW... here's the following whether i've acutally mentioned it or not

- suicidal tendencies in high school never resolved
- possible drinking problem at the presenet time
- possible learning disability? (minor)
- what am i gonna do with my life???
- if i get kicked out, what then?
- Psych grad school - but how???
- The marines?
- how do i get help if i need it - PRACTICAL, relevant advice is what i need
- i'm just so ANGRY and afraid all the time...
- what's wrong with me??!
- why can't i just do what i want and what i'm best at?
- i could very well be dead right now, yet i still procrastinate, take things for granted, am lazy, don't pursue what I really want, etc etc...
- how am i gonna go about/pay for all these things that i want to pursue? (psych, etc.)


WHAT SHOULD I DO?
wtf?

ANY Repsonse would be appreciated, except for any that say, "Derrr...you should get some help and stuff."

Thank you![/QUOTE]


Ok,

Since I believe now you are actually having these problems, here is what I would do.

1. First seek counseling about quitting the alcohol. If I did not believe you, I would think you are confabulating. You need to get help ASAP because the worse your addiction becomes, the worse you will be. I think you should go to a physician you trust i.e. family practice physician or internist and tell him your story about your drinking. He/she then can set you up with the appropriate resources.

2. I think your failing your exams is stemming from your so-called learning disability. That is, you could use extra time on exams if you do have a bona fide learning disability. The way you can approach this is to go to your American Disability Act (ADA) office [Each medical school has one, just ask your Student Affairs Office] and ask how you should be tested to see if you do have a bonafide disability. And if you do, you can request for extra time on your tests. Yes, there are probably other people in your class who are receiving extra time on their exams due to ADHD, dyslexia, etc.

3. If you do have suicidal thoughts, you should see a psychiatrist ASAP. I would not recommend going to a ER unless you do truly want it on your record. I would go to a psychiatrist who is a trusted family friend or someone you know who is highly recommended. You can pay out of pocket to make sure your record is not tarnished. I have stayed out of the hospital because I see my psychiatrist on a weekly basis.

4. If you think you can't overcome your initial problems and have tests coming up, do take a leave of absence and say you are considering whether you would really like to do medical school or not, meaning it is due to personal reasons. It's better than having to say you're taking a leave of absence due to medical issues i.e. alcoholism and suicidal ideations.

5.I would in the meantime during your leave of absence, straighten yourself out.
A. Quit the alcohol
B. Seek support from a psychiatrist or psychologist who can give you insight into your problems.
C. See if you can qualify for ADA accomodations.
D. Try to enter a five-year program if it is an option at your school and spread the first two years of medical school into three years.
E.Start studying on your own by brushing up on test-taking skills and reading the material before you start school again.
F.Never give up, if you think you really want to become a physician then never give up. I can say this is because I went through many problems myself and still made it. I believe you can do it. May be you should also stay away from going to class, and just study, study on your own until you feel confident about yourself.
G. Good luck and best wishes.

psychedoc2b

 

[Paws]

Only you can decide what you need to do, BUT - since you are asking for help and ideas:

go and see a therapist at your school pronto, Pete!

Sit your butt down in her/his chair every week, or twice a week, and try and work your way out of your mess by talking to a neutral person. Yup, rat about your parents, if they were really stinky (and some parents really are awful), then you need to talk it out with a trained someone. One thing quote that comes to mind is, "talk it out or act it out." You will start to feel alot better. 😉

Hey, what about an AA meeting? or an Al-Anon meeting? brother, it sure couldn't hurt and could probably help alot. Go on line and find the national website, or search for one in you area. Instant, and free help from cheerful people who will give you a cup of strong coffee, maybe an oreo cookie or two, and then plenty of soulful support.

Listen to their stories and see if you can relate or 'get' what they're all talking about. AA is awesome !! Some places, you can even go to a meeting in the middle of the night, like midnight, or really early in the morning like, 6:00 am. Some people feel relief they moment they first walk in the door. Not bad, for a free voluntary program.

You can do it - just start making some serious decisions and take some good actions. 👍

 

[LTbulldogs]

Resist the urge to ask why. Find your footing and persevere with the clear notion that your goals have been substantiated soundly. Confide in the concept of what you?re doing is for the best?.Find Foot?Confide?Resist.


(Sidenote)
Be yourself. Don?t allow others to dictate your behavior. I know that seems clich?? but one can only experience true happiness when he is truly free. Free from outside expectations, free from outside consideration?Find Foot?Confide?resist.

 

[GoToCalifornia]

hello

yeah, so i've scheduled an appointment with counselor for tuesday and i plan on talking to my girlfriend tonight about everything; in the meantime, i'm trying to study (with scant success) and hope that something good comes out of tuesday's meeting.
in response to what's been posted,
i realize that i'm just sort of pre-emptively trying to ensure that i don't develop a drinking problem since what immediately popped in my head was knowing that once drinking interferes with one's funcitoning in life - including missing appointments, which is what happened with the tutor - that that was a huge Red Flag that just sort of stopped me in my tracks and made me just sit down and think about everything (and post here).
i feel pretty (realistically) hopeless about next weeks exams - i have zero knowledge of anything, and i figure that i'll at least wait until i speak with a counselor before i meet with any dean to figure out just what, exaxtly, i should do.
earlier today i went through this old backpack full of personal stuff i've kept from my high school days and it's weird - all this stuff i had written, with so much pain and frustration - intense depression, fear, anger for feeling so afraid and depressed all the time, and just an overall longing for help...; lot's of self-advice like "just muster up the courage, ignore what others think and be yourself... / ...stop procrastinating from this day forward... / hang in there and speak up and get help and be positive" sort of stuff abound in all the stuff i found; it's like it's been years since then and i still have the same feelings and problems (tho not nearly at the same intensity of depression or with the same sense of desperation which i experienced in high school).
well, at least now i'm finally putting my foot down (again) and finally finally speaking up about all my issues...

and it just pisses me off when i do get in a funk and i think back to how much fear i had to face and all the courage i had mustered up to suck it up and ask for help - only to see a quack who did nothing to help me, while my parents stood idly by knowing what they knew and doing nothing to ensure my safety. i know i have an active part in informing the idiot psychologist of what troubled me, but jesus christ - i was there for being afraid to speak up and then he expects me to just effortlessly do just that in front of him.
i know i sound like some immature teenager or something, but it pisses me off that my parents still yell and criticize me for keeping up with my schoolwork and stuff when they should just be glad that i have an interest in living! they yell at me for spending time with my friends when they're exactly what keeps me alive! man, i hate those bastards.

argh, but whatever.

Thanks for all the advice and concern. tho i still can't help but feel embarassed and judged. (but then again, the one constant feeling throughout my adult life has been anxiety 😛 )
again, thanks.

 

[cooldreams]

if you think you are going to kill yourself, go get professional help and admit that to them.

wow you are so worried about what might happen / blah blah, and especially with drinking. dood this world is too small, and our lives too short to worry about small things. i worry A LOT about stuff, but basically what gets me through is finding some base comfort zone. you have to learn to see the world through the eyes of someone that is looking through your eyes. take a step back, but leave your physical body there. look at the situation. maybe you had a messed up childhood - lots of ppl have and they got through it. dont ruin the rest of your life with your past over shadowing you.

try to find some sort of comfort zone - im talking a state of mind, where you are safe/protected and you can think to yourself. could be in your room alone, could be in the middle of a world series baseball game. you likely wont find comfort in knowing other ppl have troubles too, you have rationalize your own problems and anxiety and learn to contain it and control it or else it will control you.

🙁 hope this helps some. if you would like to talk 1 on 1 id be happy to help.

 

[psychedoc2b]

hello

and it just pisses me off when i do get in a funk and i think back to how much fear i had to face and all the courage i had mustered up to suck it up and ask for help - only to see a quack who did nothing to help me, while my parents stood idly by knowing what they knew and doing nothing to ensure my safety. i know i have an active part in informing the idiot psychologist of what troubled me, but jesus christ - i was there for being afraid to speak up and then he expects me to just effortlessly do just that in front of him.
i know i sound like some immature teenager or something, but it pisses me off that my parents still yell and criticize me for keeping up with my schoolwork and stuff when they should just be glad that i have an interest in living! they yell at me for spending time with my friends when they're exactly what keeps me alive! man, i hate those bastards.

argh, but whatever.

Thanks for all the advice and concern. tho i still can't help but feel embarassed and judged. (but then again, the one constant feeling throughout my adult life has been anxiety 😛 )
again, thanks.

Hi,
If you have problems talking to a mental health professional, then I suggest writing down your problems before you see one. I understand the fact your parents are making your life even more miserable. You may want to live on your own if you think you cannot live with them. My parents are the same and just don't understand me. I live on my own far, far away from them. It is good that you are taking responsibility to help yourself. I think talking it over with your counselor is a good place to start. Again, I suggest you write things down before you see your counselor and go over what you have posted here and see how he/ she responds. Also, I am sure your girlfriend will understand where you are coming from.

The first year of medical school is the hardest for some. Afterwards, medical school seems to be more doable. I wish you the very best and hang in there.

Take care, 🙂
psychedoc2b

 

[GoToCalifornia]

btw, for anyone concerned that I may be currently suicidal, don't worry - I am by no means suicidal right now, nor have I been since high school. i just have WAY too much to lose/squander and WAY too many people I care about (finally) whom I would not want to selfishly hurt. Quite the opposite scenario from my suicidal high school days when there wasn't really anyone in my life i particular cared about or vice-versa, to the point where anyone that would have been hurt by me committing suicide deserved any and all sufferring incurred since they (family, others) helped only to contribute to my miserable state.

but, for now, despite the off-and-on depressive episodes and all-pervasive anxiety that never seems to fade away, I am not, nor do i ever see myself as ever being, suicidal. I just have too much to lose. And, at this point, my life could never conceivably become so bad as to become not worth living. This, I am sure of.

Thanks for the concern. 🙂

 

[TexasRose]

GTC, this might not be the advice you are looking for (I haven't read all the responses), but I believe that you can and should get some help from a professional. My med school offers counseling and psychiatric services to students at no cost and with complete confidentiality. (of course) Hopefully your school provides similar services. One bad therapist does not represent the whole field. You should be able to find someone who takes your problems seriously.

Anxiety, depression, the inability to focus long enough to study, the drinking, and other problems you are concerned about can all be treated. You can have your life, whether as a doctor or a Marine or a psychologist. First, treat the problems, then solve the career issues.

Best of luck.

 

[azzarah]

I'd suggest going to the deans' office (or equivalent at your school) and telling them you're in trouble academically and afraid you're going to fail your exams, and see what they say. They may be able to arrange something to help you--tutoring or let you take the exams late or something. The sooner you go to them, the better, because the fewer exams you've failed the easier it will be to fix the whole thing.

I second this post. I would go to the dean and tell her the truth if I were you. Good luck.

 

[missing]

GTC, these are my thoughts-

It sounds like you do not want to be in medical school, right now. It sounds like maybe you would have decided to become a doctor one day, but that the decision was made before you could make it for yourself.

Because becoming a physician wasn't what you wanted you are finding yourself disinterested with the subjects and failing. Part of the reason you are failing is the alcohol. Is it possible that drinking gives you the excuse to do poorly? Is it easier then just saying, #U@> it, this is never what I really wanted to do? I think that in your situation, AA is not the answer. You are drinking to forget about something. Work on the something.

Checklist all the things that you are not happy with. Imagine in your mind what your ideal situation would look like. Is it being a psychiatrist? A psychologist? A camp counselor?

You've asked several times what are you going to do if you get kicked out. If you continue, you will fail. If I were you, I would work with administration and take a leave of absence. Keep that door open.

Also, thousands of people are in med school without help from their parents. If you continue to let yourself be frightened by independence, mentally you will always be your parents son.

 

[KarateGirl]

GTC, it looks like you've gotten some good advice so far. Here's mine: Take things one step at a time. When you're anxious and depressed you carry the weight of the world on your shoulders, and you're always worrying about every past, present and future event your mind can conceive of. All that ever matters is what is happening right now. And to me, the immediate concern is your mental health. Your inability to study, and your belief that it is laziness, sounds a hell of a lot like me when I was actively depressed, so that's my first thought. You need to get some of the pressure off of yourself so you can do what you need to do to be able to handle the other problems. Making big decisions when you're not mentally ok can be dangerous, and honestly there is no reason to be worrying about what you're going to do with the rest of your life when there are more urgent issues at hand. Right now all you need to do is talk to someone who can help. I think you posted that you have an appointment with someone tomorrow, so let them guide you and help you work things out with the school. I would be completely honest with the administration about what's going on. It's hard to do, but I guarantee you aren't be the first or last person to approach them, and once they know what the problem is they'll help you. That's what they're there for.

Best of luck to you.

KG

 

[hondo55]

California-

I think that the above messages give a lot of good advice especially the one immediately above mine.

I want to emphasize a couple things that come to my mind when I hear your situation. Just remember that you are not the only one struggling with this.

1.) If you are drinking, please get rid of the alcohol and avoid it. Get it out of your site. Having it in your refrig waiting makes it tough to not get into. Get rid of it and don't buy any more. I think this drinking only makes things more difficult for you and I think you realize this.

2.) Talk to your academic dean. Your grades ARE being affected by all this. They really CAN help you with this, and there are there for that reason. Just be open with them and let them know what is really bothering you. It may be tough, but really it can help in the long run. It is highly possible you could take a LEAVE OF ABSENCE to figure things out. It might help you to straighten things out and get to the root of the problem that is making it tough for you. You can then start afresh next year, or maybe you might even decide to pursue your psychology direction! If you feel rushed into medicine as your are a direct entry and are probably young, maybe it would be a good thing to take some time away to clear your mind and straighten things out.

3.) Try to start letting go of your past and forgive things that happened. I think sometimes by forgiving people that hurt us in the past we can move ahead without the bitterness that upsets us most.

4.) Your experience with working with psychologists in the past has shown you how important it is to listen to patients and how physicians shouldn't act. You understand this, and this understanding will help you a lot if you decide to continue your studies.

5.) REMEMBER YOU ARE INTELLIGENT AND CAPABLE! YOU HAVE THE ABILITY TO DO ANYTHING YOU WANT NO MATTER HOW LONG IT TAKES OR DETOURS YOU DECIDE TO TAKE. YOU CAN DO IT!!!

I hope this helps. Please talk to your dean about the real reasons for your struggles and don't delay in doing this. I think you will feel a big weight lifted if you do this. They deal with this all the time and you are not alone!!

 

[v4md]

I am speaking from personal experience. There is only 1 thing you have to do, and that is to take time off and get help. Med sch is not worth your life, and neither are your parents. You are still at a stage where you can turn most things around, the longer you drag on the harder this will be.

 

[Amit1]

🙁 I can definately relate to what you are going though. I had a breakdown during my testblock week and asked to speak to the dean (as he has an MD and has presumably seen many other students go through this) and the dean's office straight up told me he doesn't talk to med students. I told them I was an emotional wreck and they then referred me to the jackass assistant dean who has a PhD, and is an MD-wannabe, and cannot relate to what I am going though. I walked by the bridge on the way to the library and for the first time thought about how it would be to jump off it.

I have talked to several counselors who don't really know whats going on. The one person who might relate or have meaningful advice is not availible and its very frustrating. The important thing is finding USEFUL help which is lacking at so many medical schools.

Many of us (I suspect the majority) go thorugh major breakdowns at some point in medical school. However this is underreported as many med students are afraid of being perceived as weak, so we construct our solid facade that others cannot see through. Those dingus gunners who go through without any self doubt, believing they are the best, who cast aside self doubts like so many used latex gloves are likely to develop an arrogant attitude and a difficulty connecting with patients.

 

[Al-Qahhar]

running luxury cars

😀

What was the need to include that part?

 

[HiddenTruth]

Many of us (I suspect the majority) go thorugh major breakdowns at some point in medical school. However this is underreported as many med students are afraid of being perceived as weak, so we construct our solid facade that others cannot see through. Those dingus gunners who go through without any self doubt, believing they are the best, who cast aside self doubts like so many used latex gloves are likely to develop an arrogant attitude and a difficulty connecting with patients.

wow, well said--i totally agree with everything you said. I definately have some friends, and at one point myself, who could relate to what you just said--and it's ALL such a FRONT--- everyone puts up this huge front that everything is all good and healthy, which is just lying to themselves--i also go to a 6 year program, and i don't think it was everyone's choice to come here from hs, therefore many people are so unhappy--it's almost sad, cuz it just gets worse (steps, residency, etc.)and at the end, there are many unhappy, jaded docs out there

 

[globalism]

Hey OP, your parents Asian? Sure sounds like it, its not uncommon for Asian parents pressure the hell out of their kids and not care about what psychological, mental consequences it might have on them. Sad but very true.