Editor made my PS sound really sappy

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Benighted

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I recently had a current med student edit my personal statement and they made some suggestions which probably made the essay flow a bit more smoothly, but somewhat changed the meaning. It feels like the changes made the essay sound extremely sappy. I'll post some examples below:

1) "Observing X's healing touch inspired me to pursue a path that enables me to provide support in a time of need."

2) "I yearned to empower and support in a more transformative way"

3) "X is highly gratifying and allows me to impact other lives; however, I want to make a deeper impact....."

Yeah, now that I'm re-reading these sentences I'm starting to cringe a little bit. The ideas in the sentences aren't too far off what I wrote originally, but I don't know how I feel about this phrasing. Still, this person got into a good med school and I want to trust this person's opinion.

What do you think of these suggestions?
 
Deeper impact...? A follow up to one of my all time favorites...


p20987_p_v7_aa.jpg
 
You wanna know why med student opinions on personal statements are fail? They got in and they happened to write a personal statement, but they don't realize that those two may be true, true, and completely unrelated. An absolutely non-causal relationship. Additionally, you'd think that students are good sources of help, but honestly, they've never sat on the other side of things. They also know jack-diddly squat about the "impact" a physician can make...mostly because they aren't physicians. Going to pretend rounds and sitting in lecture is not the real world of medicine... it's real funny when that healing touch really just gave the patient a raging c-diff or dropped a lung after putting in a subclavian line. Truly, inspiring.
 
I agree that these sentences just sound like fluff. Just be forthright with what motivates you. Really your personal statement is supposed to be a testament of what your path towards wanting to be a physician was. What experiences did you have, what tested your passion to be a physician, how did you overcome it, are you humble and teachable. Don't feel like you need to fill voids with fluffy words to try and sell yourself.
 
I had a bunch of med students edit my PS and when I realized all their remaining complaints were about style I figured that it was time to submit my app. No point in arguing about style, unless it really is confusing.
 
if your PS contains ANY of those 3 statements, it is by default TERRIBLE. Don't trust a med student for advice on any writing - noone gets in because of the personal statement.

and please please try not to write too much about "why I want to be a doctor." otherwise the PS will be rife with cliches (and of course your misconceptions about the actual practice of medicine).
 
The Cheat said:
I had a bunch of med students edit my PS and when I realized all their remaining complaints were about style I figured that it was time to submit my app. No point in arguing about style, unless it really is confusing.
Click to expand...

Really good advice. At some point, your essay will be done, and the only remaining edits will be just people's personal style preferences. At that point, it's not really helpful to have people read it.
 
Hmm, this is making me uncomfortable because it is similar to a few sentences in my PS.
Example: "It was the dexterity and precision of their hands that initially impressed me, but the genuine manner in which they treated their patients that remained brightest in my memory."
 
CaliforniaDreamer said:
Hmm, this is making me uncomfortable because it is similar to a few sentences in my PS.
Example: "It was the dexterity and precision of their hands that initially impressed me, but the genuine manner in which they treated their patients that remained brightest in my memory."
Click to expand...
😆
 
If you wanted solid input on how not to write an essay for med school admission you got the best example you'll find anywhere
 
efle said:
😆
Click to expand...
Lol great, it was actually in my work and activities most meaningful section, changed it...

"It was the dexterity and precision of their hands that initially impressed me, but the genuine manner in which they treated their patients that left a lasting impression.
 
CaliforniaDreamer said:
Lol great, it was actually in my work and activities most meaningful section, changed it...

"It was the dexterity and precision of their hands that initially impressed me, but the genuine manner in which they treated their patients that left a lasting impression.
Click to expand...
I mean that's still something a middle schooler would write but better than before. Can you not just speak plainly and say you were impressed by their genuine rapport with their patients or something
 
Benighted said:
I recently had a current med student edit my personal statement and they made some suggestions which probably made the essay flow a bit more smoothly, but somewhat changed the meaning. It feels like the changes made the essay sound extremely sappy. I'll post some examples below:

1) "Observing X's healing touch inspired me to pursue a path that enables me to provide support in a time of need."

2) "I yearned to empower and support in a more transformative way"

3) "X is highly gratifying and allows me to impact other lives; however, I want to make a deeper impact....."

Yeah, now that I'm re-reading these sentences I'm starting to cringe a little bit. The ideas in the sentences aren't too far off what I wrote originally, but I don't know how I feel about this phrasing. Still, this person got into a good med school and I want to trust this person's opinion.

What do you think of these suggestions?
Click to expand...

I spent soooooo much time writing for my primary app. I worked with a few professional editors as well. Everyone has a different style and perspective on things. I dislike with passion creative writing. So these parts of the app were very challenging it to me. IMO I little bit of sugar coating is ok, but if you are granted an interview and for some reason your "vibe" and personality does not match what've you wrote, is going to hurt you more than help you. When I was writing my app, I tended to over describe/convolute my essays. I had several drafts for everything, even for my non-meaningful activities/ experiences. I was lucky enough to find a editor that understood how I wanted to portray myself, meaning that she was able to make my overly described -jumbled wording to a simple and effective form that reflects myself of how I would like to be perceived. I notice that most of the editors tend to "over-fluff" more than not. Even though, I had several people telling me that I was trying to "split hairs" I did not settle until I was 100% comfortable with my writing. Literally, I "terrorized" my roommates, friends and professors (the ones that are my friends) for their opinions. In the end everyone had a different perspective of what it was good and not, consequently making me more confused and uneasy. In the end I stopped asking for other people feedback, and when I used an editor I explained to them in detail what I wanted to portray, or at least I what I was trying. I believe the writing part is very important, because when they read your stuff they are getting a "mental" picture of you in a way, so I would not submit something that you are not comfortable with it. By your "vibe" I suspect that those sentences do not represent you in a way that you want, so I would try to word them differently and keeping the same message. You should be "stoked" when you read your essay not doubtful ..... and I wrote more than I needed ...........
 
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efle said:
their genuine rapport with their patients
Click to expand...
I'm stealing that for a different line. I think the quote in question doesn't sound great out of context, but it comes at the end of the entire paragraph that is much more concrete. I like ending with a bit of a flourish.
 
Dude, be yourself. If you are a flourishing type, then flourish. If you are a direct and dry type, then moisturize. Also, I like how he insulted you by calling you a middle schooler. Honestly, most people wouldn't even bat an eye reading your sentence. How much of the same stuff do you think a reviewer sees day after day after day in a season of med school apps?
 
CaliforniaDreamer said:
Lol great, it was actually in my work and activities most meaningful section, changed it...

"It was the dexterity and precision of their hands that initially impressed me, but the genuine manner in which they treated their patients that left a lasting impression.
Click to expand...

The immature 9 year old in me can't stop laughing at this. :naughty:
 
At this point, many of you have had me look at your statements, and have heard some variation of "don't write words for the sake of words." Just say what you mean. Still, I occasionally let the sappy, flowery sentence go by without comment. After all, you guys are supposed to be all wide-eyed enthusiasm at this point. It makes me roll my eyes a bit, but not as much as when applicants go in the opposite direction and try to prove they know allll about medicine and are already cynical.
 
22031 Alum said:
At this point, many of you have had me look at your statements, and have heard some variation of "don't write words for the sake of words." Just say what you mean. Still, I occasionally let the sappy, flowery sentence go by without comment. After all, you guys are supposed to be all wide-eyed enthusiasm at this point. It makes me roll my eyes a bit, but not as much as when applicants go in the opposite direction and try to prove they know allll about medicine and are already cynical.
Click to expand...

I actually haven't had anyone read mine except for my parents and a coworker. Would you mind looking at mine? I have been trying to cut out as many "zingers" (as my dad names them) from my PS as I could.
 
CaliforniaDreamer said:
I actually haven't had anyone read mine except for my parents and a coworker. Would you mind looking at mine? I have been trying to cut out as many "zingers" (as my dad names them) from my PS as I could.
Click to expand...

Copy/paste it into a PM. I'm chained to a desk tomorrow (zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz) so I'll be able to look it over.
 
22031 Alum said:
At this point, many of you have had me look at your statements, and have heard some variation of "don't write words for the sake of words." Just say what you mean. Still, I occasionally let the sappy, flowery sentence go by without comment. After all, you guys are supposed to be all wide-eyed enthusiasm at this point. It makes me roll my eyes a bit, but not as much as when applicants go in the opposite direction and try to prove they know allll about medicine and are already cynical.
Click to expand...

My eyes opened in wide terror as the olympic triathlete/surgical patient's muscular jaw clenched down on the ET tube, attempting to draw against the closed circuit and flood his lungs in a deluge of negative pressure pulmonary edema. At that moment, I knew that my destiny as the best anesthesiologist's shadow ever was to stick my finger between that patient's incisors and sacrifice myself as a her bite block. I know I will never recover these two lost fingers and become the world's most dextrous plastic surgeon, but I know that only by becoming a most impactful anesthesiologist will I become a human human being again -- well, at least on the spiritual level.
 
gyngyn said:
After the first few thousand (a year), you'd be surprised what it takes to entertain!
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What % of statements would you say do absolutely nothing to push you towards or away from interviewing the applicant? I think Mimelim said it was 10% towards, 10% away, 80% no difference made
 
efle said:
What % of statements would you say do absolutely nothing to push you towards or away from interviewing the applicant? I think Mimelim said it was 10% towards, 10% away, 80% no difference made
Click to expand...
That's pretty close.
 
Your personal statement is a fraction of your packet. It will be skimmed, at best, and 98% of the time will make no difference. Don't stress it so much.
 
Mad Jack said:
Your personal statement is a fraction of your packet. It will be skimmed, at best, and 98% of the time will make no difference. Don't stress it so much.
Click to expand...
Oh no worries, I don't stress much on that. I just find it funny how much other people do stress on it (writing it over months, editing it 500 times). Seems like they feel enough effort into flawless style will somehow enhance the quality of their life experiences.
 
CaliforniaDreamer said:
I actually am somewhat guilty of the "Since the beginning" cliche.
Click to expand...

I think some schools like that stuff. UCSD's secondary asks for an autobiography. I imagine showing interest in medicine from an early age would be looked at favorably there.
 
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gyngyn said:
I draw the line at essay reading, though!
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I'm surprised people ask. I would never want any adcomm here to be able to identify in person. I ask the most *****ic questions sometimes so I just don't want any one to hold that against me when reviewing my application.

On a slightly different note, were you ever able to identify any applicants from SDN?
 
northernlights15 said:
I'm surprised people ask. I would never want any adcomm here to be able to identify in person. I ask the most *****ic questions sometimes so I just don't want any one to hold that against me when reviewing my application.
Click to expand...
This is but one of the reasons I decline to read SDN PS's.
 
CaliforniaDreamer said:
Lol great, it was actually in my work and activities most meaningful section, changed it...

"It was the dexterity and precision of their hands that initially impressed me, but the genuine manner in which they treated their patients that left a lasting impression.
Click to expand...

@CaliforniaDreamer I'd look over your sentence structure here. The second portion does not flow with the first. Maybe "but [it was the/their?] genuine manner in which they treated their patients that left a lasting impression" or "but the genuine manner in which they treated their patients left a lasting impression" ?? :thinking:
 
charlie517 said:
@CaliforniaDreamer I'd look over your sentence structure here. The second portion does not flow with the first. Maybe "but [it was the/their?] genuine manner in which they treated their patients that left a lasting impression" or "but the genuine manner in which they treated their patients left a lasting impression" ?? :thinking:
Click to expand...
I think the parallelism is okay. It reads like this "It was the blank that impressed me, but the blank that left a lasting impression." I noticed that the word impress is repeated though so I'll change that haha.
 
CaliforniaDreamer said:
I think the parallelism is okay. It reads like this "It was the blank that impressed me, but the blank that left a lasting impression." I noticed that the word impress is repeated though so I'll change that haha.
Click to expand...
Depends what you want to emphasize by putting it last. Do you want to emphasize what made a lasting impression (put their genuine whatever at the end) or do you just want to emphasize that you had a lasting impression?

I'd imagine you're going for the former, so it makes more stylistic sense to break the parallelism and do "Initially I was impressed by X, but what left a lasting impression was the their genuine manner with their patients."
 
CaliforniaDreamer said:
I think the parallelism is okay. It reads like this "It was the blank that impressed me, but the blank that left a lasting impression." I noticed that the word impress is repeated though so I'll change that haha.
Click to expand...


Ahhh...I see the voice of the sentence now. Sounded a bit weird though when reading it without actually having that flow pointed out (probably because of all the verbiage). Hopefully the pervious lines help nudge in that direction! not bad though!
 
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